jaimie

Marlene, I know that you do not know me yet, i so hope that we will get 'to know eachother' through this amazing website. I have not been on for about a year...struggling, like you are, like we all are. I see that Derek has replied to you...you could not ask for a better human being to 'speak to' and Deborah too. You see we all lost our true loves very close in time to each other and those two wonderful people i have always held close in my heart...as i do each and every one of you all, including you Marlene. I have been away, searching myself to see who i really am without my Herman, whom i lost 2 years and 3 months ago tomorrow at 8:20 p.m. and yes i still so count and i now understand that it it okay to do that. "my extended family" has long ago left me and i have now come to terms with that too, although i will never lie to you or anyone on this site, it hurts very much, but they do not understand the journey that i am on and i used to be angry at them for that, but now, i pray for them, that they will never have to travel this journey that we all must go through. Although my brother has always in 'his' way been there for me, unfotunately he lost his wife 3 months ago yesterday (she was ALWAYS there for me and loosing her has affected me so much), and now he has told me that he finally understands what pain i am in. Please do not get me wrong, the pain he is going through, I know, you all do, but this is not the way I wanted him to understand, he lost his love of his life too and he is going through many stages right now (he is living with me right now), right now it is the anger stage that i know you and all of us on this site understand....and i have told him that is okay, be angry, be mad, question why, and that is just simply okay, that is what grief is when you loose 'your everything'. I still go through that,the many different stages of grief and i am no longer ashamed to admit that i do, but as much as I did not want to believe anyone and I mean anyone, I have been slowly realizing that Herman would be so very upset with me if I was not who I am, like we were when we were together...what I mean is that we made each other a promise, that no matter what we would always be who we really are, even if other people do not like it and Marlene that has taken me a very long time to accept (i still do and will always struggle with that), please, oh please do not think for even a second that i am preaching at or to you, i really am not...i just want you to know that 'strangers' like me are there for you no matter what, with no judgement or expectations from you, that's all i really have been trying to say. I hope sometime that you will look at the post i sent to Walt, who by the way is a wonderful, strong and loving person (hope you see this Walt). Much Love, Lori

thank you deborah. i have missed you all so very much...i think of you all, especially you deborah and derek, we share such a close time line, one that i know, none of us wants. life for me has been so hard without my herman, i take 5 steps forward and 6 steps back, like we all do. i am a grandma now as you can see, a wonderful granddaughter who will be 19 months on the 27th of this month. yes, it is very bitersweet for me, herm would never, ever let anyone, and i mean anyone hold her and play with her and just be a big goof with her, if only he was here to know her. but i do know in my heart and soul that he talks to her and plays with her all of the time, i can see that in the way she kisses his pictures and knows exactly who he is, yes, that is my doing and my boys as well. craige got married on july 14th of this year in my back yard and gave his dad a wonderful speach and he and ange will be giving me and herman a grandson sometime in early may, that right now is what i hold on to, 'cause if any of you had had the chance to know my herman, and i have thought about this more times than i can count, he would kick my a*@...can't say that word here, if i did not hold his grandchildren close for me, for them and especially for him. Yes, i still stuggle, all of the time, just like we all do and will always do...how could we not, we lost the love of our lives, our very best friends, our everything.....and yes, there are times when i am ready to pack it in and honestly i don't know why i have not and yet i do, it is because of how hard herman fought to stay with me and our children, to the very second that i saw him take his last breath on earth, wow, i have never shared that with anyone. i also know, that he tried so very, very hard to stay with us for as long as he could and he did...for 17 years of fighting, through all of his surgeries and treatments and pain, and i know in my heart and soul...only because of god, that he was so very tired, so tired and lately i have been thinking that yes, i did tell him (as our boys did) that if he could not do it anymore that it was okay to go, that we would be "ok" and yes often i question myself why i said that when all i wanted was for him to get better and to stay with us, but i know finally that he was listening to me, even though he barely could, and what right do i actually have to go against my word to herman when he did everything he could to stay with us....that is the exact question that i am struggling with now. tomorrow will be 2 years and 3 months since i lost the love of my life, i am now 40 and we were together since i was 14...way more than half of my life, i have never been able to dream since the day herman died and that night i had a nightmare and that was it....but he sends me songs...country songs...and i so do know that they are from herman....that i do know in my heart and soul. looks like i have been rambling again and most likely made a lot of spelling mistakes because of the tears that are flowing, but oh well, some how i think that you will all accept that from me.... i miss you all and i love you all....lori

Walt...i don't know if you will remember me....i have not been on in over a year...it's jaimie...i just want to share something with you....it has now been 2 years and almost 3 months on the 13th of this month since i lost my one and only, herman....i put a memoriam in the paper each year...and this is what i wrote this year.... HERMAN JAMES KEHLER November 15, 1964 - November 13, 2005 In Loving Memory of My Eight Million Dollar Man, My Very Best Friend, My Husband AFTERGLOW I'd like the memory of me To be a happy one I'd like to leave an afterglow of smiles When life is done I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly Down the ways Of happy times and laughing times And bright and sunny days I'd like the tears of those who grieve To dry before too long And cherish those very special memories To which I so belong Herm, I saw this and knew that this is your wish for all of us. I know that we are trying to fulfill your wish, but the tears still come and missing you here with us is always. You have a beautiful granddaughter... little "Peanut"; whom I know you would have nicknamed exactly that... and now our son Craige and our daugher-in-law Ange...will be giving us another little "grand person" for you to watch over as you watch over Paige Jaimie (Peanut). Our son Justin; as our son Craige, are the men you always said you knew they would become; loving, respectful, caring "individuals"...whom i know love and miss you you so very much; as I so. Craige is a wonderful father and son; Justin is a wondersul son and a terrific uncle to Peanut; Ange is an amazing daughter-in law; and i know how very proud and at peace you are with who they have all become. Herm, you left us with your "Afterglow" and so much more and I thank you for loving me and our children so very much and for giving us the strength to carry on, until we meet again. "I Love You and That's Forever, This I Promise From The Heart" All My Love, Now, Forever and Always, Your Wife, Lori Walt...I just wanted to share this with you...life for me without Herman has never been the same and i know that it will never be and honestly there are so many times that i just want to give up....and then i think of Paige, Hermans' grandaughter,and mine...the difference is...Herm never had the chance to know, hold or spoil her and if you knew my Herm....that is all he would want to do. Now we will be having a grandson soon (they already know it's a boy)...and again, it tears me apart to know that Herm will not be able to hold Hunter Kenneth in his arms....but in my soul i know that he is holding Paige and Hunter both and watching over them, even more now since we almost lost Hunter and Ange...that's a very long story....but little Peanut (Paige) knows exactly who grandpa Herman is...not only have i showed her pictures, but our kids too...and she hold Hermans pictures and kisses him and calls him "gampa erman" and if you ask her where he is, at 18 months old...she tells us that "gampa is in mine heart and dreams"....and Walt that is what has kept me going so far....even though i have honestly wanted to give up so many times.... ...i am so VERY sorry for going on about myself...when honestly all i truly wanted to say to you is that you are such an amazing human being with a beautiful soul.........