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Tammyk

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Everything posted by Tammyk

  1. I'm sorry you are experiencing the greed aspect too. Grieving is hard enough without that added to it. My brother and I have been dealing with that from our Mother since before Dad passed. They were divorced 7 years ago and she got a healthy settlement which is gone now. She has been making nonstop maipulative, guilt filled comments to us about the money, even saying the night I had to call and tell her he passed that the "right thing to do" would be give her at least 1/3. I threw up after talking to her that night. The whole thing makes me sick and very sad to see us torn apart by this. She says she is saddened by what she sees in us bc of the money and throws scripture around with it to back up her views on it all. There is plenty more to the story but I'm not sure I want to start my day continuing to go into it, I'll save it all for another post. just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Try to let it go as I'm trying to do. (trying being the key word) Hugs. Tammy
  2. Thanks guys. AnnieO: Yeah, it helps knowing he'll never have to find out he has another tumor or another surgery or another CAT scan, which he hated with a passion. It felt good at the end telling him no more of that-no more IVs, only comfort. You mentioned a lot of good memories, which I actually don't have. That will be the topic of my next post. We weren't close until the end so it makes it even harder to let go of the painful memories of him dying bc those are the one in which we shared a lot of love openly. I'm thankful I got that time. Dana: Yep, I got some hard core soul searching going on now-much needed too as my life fell apart around me just before Dad died and I hit rock bottom. It is also a release and realization of how I lived so much of my life either trying to get his approval/attention or rebelling instead of being true to myself. I feel like I'm a blank book and I'm only beginning to write it. Makes for an exciting yet very uncomfortable time laced through with sadness.
  3. That was a nice story. I say believe it. What we believe is really what are realities are anyhow so who cares real or no, if you believe it? That's sweet. I like to think my Dad's looking out for me. We haven't taken his ashes yet so they are here with me and I talk to him sometimes or say 'hi' when I walk by them. It comforts me.
  4. Hugs. I just lost my Dad 2 months ago. I almost lost it today when I briefly couldn't find his watch that I wear everyday now. Are you doing better or worse now at 5 months than you were at 2? I wish grief at least had a nice, neat little timeline we could follow like finishing a degree or something. Sigh. Hugs again.
  5. Hi all. I just joined and here is a blog I wrote last month for my Dad, thought that would be a good place to start: In loving memory of my Dad 11/17/38-11/24/007 So my Dad passed away a little over a month ago. You wonder your whole life what it will be like to loose a parent and then it happens. He fought Melanoma for 15 years-neverending tumors. He just had one removed earlier in the year. Thought he had an ear infection until he fell down. I had to trick him to get him to go to the hospital. Cat scan and MRI later, he had a brain tumor on the stem. Inoperable and chemo doen't work on Melanoma. He went through 30 radiation treatments having his head strapped down in a mask. We helped him eat, read to him, changed the tv channels and yelled at the mean nurses. I had medical power of attorney. That meant a lot of very hard decisions at the end and shaky signatures on the authorization forms. He was doing so well and had another stroke. The Cat scan showed bleeding in the brain and that the tumor was larger than when he began his radiation. He kept trying to talk until the end but could not. I spent hours and hours trying to understand what he was trying to say. When he still had some control of an arm, I held a marker in his hand to write. He drew a heart. It's in a frame next to his picture. He was in a coma for 2 days and the doctors didn't think he'd come out of it. We walked in and he woke up, the day after his Birthday. He smiled at me so big and his eyes lit up, telling me everything I ever needed to know from him in that instant. I will never forget it. We moved him to hospice care and spent the week camped out there as I tried to finish my final school project to graduate. It was harder than anything I knew, being there, seeing him decline, watching, counting the seconds between his breaths, painting between tears. I put on the games for Thanksgiving and kept him updated on the score-he would give a small smile each time. I got so tired of saying goodbye. He waited until we left for a night to go. The social worker and my Mom and Brother forced me to leave bc I'd not left for 3 days and it was too much to take. I wrote and read his eulogy. I played "Hey Jude" at the beginning of the service. He and I used to sing to it at the top of our lungs in his car over and over. We weren't close several years of my life. I began to get closer to him over a year ago, and am thankful for every second. You look back and realize through tears how much time was wasted with foolish pride. This has changed me. The growth that comes from a loss like this is staggering. I look forward to when I can enjoy it more. You find yourself forgetting they're gone and thinking something about them, then you remember. Thud. I miss him like hell but glad his suffering is over. I love you Dad.
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