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mike dorsey

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Everything posted by mike dorsey

  1. Dear Wendy, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your grandmother. Steve's anniversary is close to my mom's one year anniversary on March 4th. I lost my dad when I was 4 years old in 1974. Both of my grandmothers died in 2001 and 2003. My aunt, mom's twin and only sibling, died in 2004 of lung cancer. Honestly, I was close with all of them and I am not sure if any of this had settled in my heart. I now am also dreading the one year anniversary as well as it is a hard phase to go through. Mike
  2. Hello Deb, I am also glad to have been guided here to this website. My wife is awesome. Because she has not yet experience death of a close one, I feel more comfortable expressing myself here about missing my mom. I think it is so great how you have a wonderful experience of your mom greeting you with a big smile saying to you, "I love you". A week before my mom died, she gave me a big smile but she could not say anything as she was pretty weak. I think that was a wonderful suggestion that was enclosed from Marty T.'s response that we should pray to our Higher Power, God as we understand Him/Her, and ask for guidance to have our mothers visit us in our dreams. Perhaps our moms will visit us when we least expected it just like how if we were longing for the love of our lives but they show up by surprise. As I was writing this, I thought that perhaps just like your mom said to you before she left, "I love you and I am so glad you are here", well, God said to your mom at her arrival in Heaven,"Hello my dear. I love you. Welcome home! You must be hungry. Let's go in the kitchen and have a sandwich, just like the one your daughter made you!" More later, Mike
  3. Hello, I am sorry about your mom. I lost my mom almost a year ago on March 4th. I also was there with my three siblings when mom gave away her last breath. It was very painful to see her go but it was also a relief since she was suffering from lung cancer. My mom was 64 and knowing that your mom was 91, I must say at least you had more time with your mom. I know your mom is with you now everywhere you go. She is now visiting you in the mornings to make sure you had a good night sleep More later, Mike
  4. Thank you Karen for your encouragement. I appreciate it tremendously.
  5. Hello Shell, Thank you for your wonderful support. I will be glad to talk with you and I look forward to doing my best to be of service here. More later! Mike
  6. Hi, I am sorry for losing your son, Anthony. I want to let you know that my dad died when I was four years old. He was only 32. I wish he would still be alive now that it has been over 34 years ago since he passed. I do want you to know that your son was very fortunate to have you for 16 years on earth!! Mike
  7. Hello Karen, I was reading other posts and I read about what you said to Elizabeth about you having children with mental problems. I already sense you are a special person but now I sense you are even more special. My mom had four children. My brother who is the oldest has mild mental retardation and I am hard of hearing with mild cerebral palsy. My two sisters in between do not have any disabilities. I should have been a girl...hee hee. No just kidding. I am glad to be a man. I felt that mom had difficulty at times accepting our disabilities because she was an identical twin. Her twin sister, my aunt, also died about 3 years ago from lung cancer as well. My aunt had three children who all do not have any disabilities. My mom said to me at one time that she wished her boys were like her sister's boys. I find her words still hurtful even now she is in heaven. I know I said I can imagine her as a sunset but I also said it is easier said than done. I know there are a lot of emotions that come up while grieving. I have issues with anger and self-esteem. I understand I need to pray and forgive my mom. I need to pray to accept my hand of cards without throwing them down saying, "I fold". My dad also died when I was four years old so my mom had it rough but she never said, "I folded". Although, she did smoke and she refused to stop even when she was told that she had emphysema. I just want to succeed as a stand-up comic and make the world lighter as I feel great when I am able to bring the audience to a good laughter. My mom would light up when she retold her memory of me being four years old on stage during a magic show. She said that because of my cerebral palsy, my head was tilted back a bit but I had a great smile and that I had my fly down. She said the entire audience laughed with me. I sensed it was my mom's mother, Nana, was a bit discouraging to mom as she would be not so nice to her at times. I would love to be clear from these pains and just be free from this bag of self-pity I am holding. More later, Mike Hello Shell, Yes I agree! I need to shed a few more tears as I feel currently numb as if I have a wall up in my heart. I am glad you are able to cry.
  8. As my dad was dying of Hodgkin's disease, he managed to take me to the hospital when I was also dying from RH incompatibility a few days after I was born. He died when I was four years old. Before he died, he also did his best to love his wife and four of his children. He also did his best to love himself by taking flying lessons to fly small non-commercial planes. Once in awhile, when I see such planes in the sky today, I think about my dad flying over to say hello to me in spirit. Before my mom died last March of 2007, she healed me after I returned home from the hospital when I had to have blood transfusion for survival because of the RH as an infant. Mom made sure I was to laugh and enjoy life. In spite of her own sufferings from depression, she gave me the ability to enjoy the non-materialistic side of life; God, the moon, stars, sun, beaches, sunsets, and her tremendous never ending presence.
  9. Hello Marty, Thank you your helpful guide. I noticed a lot of great films on your list. My mom and I loved "Terms of Endearment" and "Good Will Hunting". She was the one who suggested I watch "Good Will Hunting". She watched the movie at the theater alone. I wished she did not. I wished I was there with her. I wished she did not have to spend many days and nights alone. She was sad. My therapist asked me if I was loyaled to her as I expressed my own patterns of self-sabotaging acts to put me situations where I would be sad and alone. I have given it a lot of thought. Because I am hard of hearing, I find this forum to be very helpful where I can be able to understand what is being said on print than from mouth. I just do not want to express too much online as I do not want to be so self-centered and wallowing in self-pity. I want to be helpful here. But I do have a lot to talk about. A lot has been swimming in my heart and mind since my mom died. I am a movie lover and I am glad there are movies to help me with my process of grieving, acceptance, letting go, and moving on. My dad died when I was four and I still haven't really let go of that too. More later, Mike Hello Wendy, Thank you for sharing. Animals have a way with helping us humans heal. I do not have an animal to own but I walk my friend's dog from time to time and when I do, I find him very comforting. I even stopped by on my way home to just see him because I knew in my heart he would make my heart warm. Have you started a topic in this forum about pets being good penniless therapists?
  10. Hello Karen, I am sorry for the loss of your husband. He must be proud of you for you are doing great wonders in helping others like me here on this forum. My mom was a widow since my dad died in 1974. He was 32. Mom was also 32 with four children including me being the last of the bunch. Mom and I were very close. Mom would tell us stories of dad. I am so grateful for my deep friendship with mom. I just feel guilty for getting upset with her especially in her dying days. I feel like I have a large load of venting to do. I do not want to say too much here. Smile. Thank you for sharing with me. More later, Mike
  11. I lost mom last March of 2007 and lately, as I love movies, I have been watching movies that come on cable about death, grieving, and letting go. I said to my wife, "What's up with this streak of movies about grief, death, and letting go?" My wife and I agreed that it was probably my mom letting me know that I need to face the grieving process and it is important to heal. The most recent movie I saw the other day was, "In America" about a family from Ireland moved to NYC to start a new life and grieving the loss of one child, "Frankie". At the end, I cried as the two young girls were waving at the sky with a pretty panaromic view of NYC saying goodbye to their brother, "Frankie" and they encouraged their dad to finally let go of his son, "Frankie" by joining them saying bye bye. When dad wept as he did not shed a tear for a long time, I wept. I joined to say, "bye mom, bye dad." I thought it was also beautiful when the young girl said, "I do not wish to view Frankie this way again (an image of him being sick with no hair) but to now view Frankie of the pretty panaromic view of NYC at night with bright city lights. My mom loved sunsets so instead of viewing her as this woman who was suffering from lung cancer, I can practice viewing her as a beautiful sunset. Easier said than done. Smile. At least we have a choice, eh?
  12. Hello Shell, Thank you for your words of encouragement. I appreciate it. I also am sorry about your mom. I believe your mom is smiling with you as she is proud of you for helping others like me here on this forum. More later, Mike
  13. Hello Cindi, Thank you for your response. I truly appreciate it. I am sorry about your mom. I think losing your mom in a such short time and unexpectedly must be hard to cope and accept. Your mom must be proud of you though for you are doing a good job in helping people here on this hovforum site. I will go to the condo and just take it one minute at a time. Thank you for your encouragment. Have a good night and more later, Mike
  14. "Are you my muvva?" was one of my mom's favorite memories and she would laugh each time she shared it outloud with me or my siblings. Because I have mild cerebral palsy, I have a speech impediment as well as being hard of hearing. One time when I was four or five, I was playing with the esclator buttons that has, "Stop" and "Go". When I pushed the red button, an older woman had flown off the esclator, I had no clue that she had fallen and I walked up to mom with my head kinda bouncy from the cerebral palsy. I said to her, "Are you my muvva?" My mom said, "Yes dear, I am your ever luvin muvva". (I believed the older woman was okay because mom did not say anything that she was hurt. If you are the older woman reading this, please forgive me.) My mom died on March 4, 2007 and I truly miss her terribly. She and I were very close. I was the youngest of four children and she took great care of me as I had been stricken with RH and almost died after birth. My dad was the one who took me to the hospital after a few days at home as I had just been born. The RH was a blood incompatibility which caused me to have the high fever and then almost took my life. Because my dad took me to the hospital just in time in spite of his own struggle with Hodgkin's Disease, I had to have blood transfusion which saved my life. My dad also saved me. My dad died when I just turned four years old. Mom raised all four of us, my brother, two sisters, and me on her own. She did the best she knew how to take care of us. She encouraged us to believe in God, appreciate the little things in life, and be happy. Honestly, I already had difficulty accepting my own struggles of having cerebral palsy and having to wear hearing aids. I had difficulty dealing with the fact my dad was not around. Now, I have difficulty accepting the fact my mom had died. I have a hard time accepting that she had died because of lung cancer from smoking. I feel so bad about one of my last words to her were of anger instead of comfort. I yelled at her saying that dad had died of a natural death while she had taken her own life. I had thought I was being a good son to her at her last days though. Because I quit my job shortly after I learned my mom had cancer, I was available for her. I stayed with her much as I could. I drove frequently three hours both ways from my home to mom's. I am married and my wife graciously allowed me to take as much time to visit her. One night, I tried to cheer her up by renting a comedy movie. Instead, she looked at me and cried. She asked me what was I doing here with her. She said that I should be with my wife instead. I felt horrible. I stopped the movie and turned off the television. I did not utter a word. I had sank. I tried to tell myself that maybe it was the cancer doing the talking. But I then believed she had truth in what she said. I believed I had worried her tremendously. I had no job. I was not at home with my wife. I lost it. I had done this before when I was living with mom. I did not move out of the house until I was 35 even when I had gotten my masters degree. I would quit jobs and still ended up being at home. Mom would not utter a word. She still took me in. But because I am married and my patterns for quitting had been abrupted with a rude awakening. What I was doing had broke my mom's heart. My heart sank because that was the last thing I wanted to do was to break my dying mother's heart. My mom's twin sister died about three years ago. Nana, mom's mom, died about six years ago. I considered myself close with all of them and my mom because we all experienced a death of a father when we were all four years old. My dad's mom, my grandma, died in 2001. I was also close with her as we were both sober from alcohol and always had a good time during my visits with her. One morning I went to visit her at hospice hoping to see her again. Her body had already been taken away as my uncle, my dad's brother, was there doing the paperwork. Honestly, I am having a hard time grieving. Because I am sober from drugs and alcohol for over 11 years, I almost relasped in December 2007 when I found a bag of pot on my way home from work. Fortunately, I flushed it down the toilet. I am experiencing a lot of anger. I am angry at home with my wife. I am angry at my job. I am angry in public places. I am seeing a counselor but I am having difficulty talking about what is truly bothering me. My brother, two sisters, and I are going to be together at mom's condo for mom's one year anniversary of her death on March 1st of this year. I am not comfortable with this upcoming event as we will sort out mom's things. It was on March 4th of last year when all four of us were together weeping as mom took her last breath. Her birthday is March 16th so she would be 66 this year. I will always love you muvva.
  15. Thank you for sharing Drew. I am glad I signed up to join the grief support group online for I am hard of hearing and writing online is easier for me to communicate with people who are hearing. My sister said she joined a grief support group recently as we both lost our mother last year on March 4, 2007. I thought it was a good idea for me to join one as well to know that we do not have to go through our emotions alone and to express ourselves with others who understand. I am sorry about your mom and I sense you are very close with her. I think about what you said when you had planned to go on a cruise with your mom. Well, I suggest you bring your new woman on a cruise and honor the trip for your mom. You can then know that you are on the cruise with your mom in spirit. I am very close with my mom too. She died of lung cancer. My mom's twin sister and only sibling died two years ago of lung cancer. Their mom, my grandmother, died about four years ago. My dad died when I was four years old but I do not remember him as much as my mom. It is so hard to go on without mom as I too find myself wanting to call mom for little things like small chats, recipes of her dishes. My two sisters, brother, and I will get together on March 1st at mom's condo to go through her things which will be very hard. I do not like the idea of going there when mom will not be there to greet us in person. I sense she will be with us in spirit but still, it would be nice if we can see the spirit in human form. I am very relieved that mom is not suffering horribly as she did when she died but now I suffer from grief. Like mom being free and happy from cancer, I wish to be free from grief. I guess the only way I know what to do with my grief is to keep moving forward as I know mom would want me to. Once a mother, always a mother, eh? I think we are doing a good thing, to share our emotions with others and to help others too. More later, Mike D.
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