JCL

Hi Maylissa, I looked up the name of the show-Ghost Whisperer- Yes , with Jennifer Love Hewitt. I saw the credits roll and James Van Prague's name is listed as a producer of the show. Which is interesting because her character tells people that she is not a psychic, as in future or fortune telling, she just has this ability to talk to the souls of people who have passed on who want to tell things to their loved ones. What little I know of James Van Prague- I think he describes himself that way also. At first I did not want to get sucked into watching it, I thought they might be a little goofy in the character and storylines, but then some interesting ideas came up in stories about why certain souls try to remain and make contact etc. I think I was getting some comfort out of watching it. I know what you mean about the whole overthinking and questioning thing.

Maylissa, I agree with you about the part regarding whether you have imagined the contact or not. I do not agree with that section. Our souls are immortal and the energy of our souls does not dissapear after we die, it just leaves this physical body. I believe you go on more journeys and learning experiences after you pass from this life. Otherwise, what would be the point of the learning and growth you did in this life? I also believe that family members who have passed on look in on us at times and some are more successful than others in making actual contact. There are two shows on T.V. right now "Medium" and another show on Friday nights that I think show some truth about how some people have the ability to make this contact with those who have passed over. What is interesting is that there are others whose loved ones are depicted as trying constantly to make contact with them, but the living relative has no idea that that the soul of the departed person is around. Even if you are not someone who wants to be seen as believing in Psychics, there is some truth to be found in these shows, they are both based on real living people. James Van Prague, who started having these experiences when he was a small boy is associated with the show that airs on Friday nights. If I did not know that I would see my mother on the other side when I pass, then my grief would be a hundred times worse than it is now. Her energy and soul remain and are real and not imagined.

Starkiss, I am so sorry you have lost both of your parents so close together. How difficult to bear all this. I said a prayer for you that the supreme being (God) whatever name you put to it, would help you with your grief. I do believe in prayer, although sometimes, I get answered in ways I did not expect. Life does not seem fair! After losing my mother, I realize now a year later, that I did progress through this even though now I still have days when I fall apart. The only way that I got through it was to allow myself to fall apart over and over again and let the sorrow keep coming out. That does not mean it goes away completely, but over time I was able to put more and more days together where I did not fall apart and feel so empty. I will say more prayers for you. Julie

I have said before on this site that it is too bad that some of us do not live closer to each other, so that we can support each other when needed. Southern California is a long way from Canada though. I understand how easy it is to get swept down that rabbit hole of depression and not see any way out. I said a prayer for you Maylissa, I also asked God to send you some kind of sign from your mother if it would help. I am not sure how much the supreme being listens to me, but it can't hurt. If you lived near me I would also invite you and your husband to Thanksgiving. Take Care Julie

Hi Dester, I talk to my mother sometimes since she passed away. It will be a year for me this October 17th. I was angry and upset one night because my mom had not even been gone 9 months when my middle, older brother (who moved in with my father after my mom died) wanted his fiance to move into the house with him and my Dad. I was so upset because I felt like another woman would be living in my mother's house. I did not care if it sounded selfish. I really feel that it is my mother's house. I talked to my mom out loud one night asking her what she thought about this. The next night, the neighbors down the block were keeping me up because they were having a loud party. I gave up and at 2 A.M. was downstairs watching T.V. when all of a sudden all the firealarms in my house starting going off simultaneously. This went on for 5-10 seconds. Then they all stopped just as suddenly. I checked the entire house and there was no smoke to be found. The firealarms were built into the house's electrical system and go onto battery back-up only if the power to the house is cut. Nothing else in the house even flickered. I have a feeling that my mom gathered her energy and gave me an answer. Only the first time around because it was alarms that went off, I thought she was displaying displeasure with the idea of Jani moving into her house. A few weeks later, my father became very ill with a kidney stone that would not pass, which caused an infection and a week long hospital stay. Then another week after that my father misheard one of the doctor's instructions causing him to discontinue the wrong medication which caused him a blood sugar crash in the middle of the night. My brother had to call the paramedics because he was already going into a diabetic coma. The end of the story is that if my brother had not been living in the house during both these incidents we probably would have already lost my father. My father has always been the type of guy to tough things out and did not ask for help when he should have. I think the reason my mother was setting off alarms in my house was to warn me that my brother needed to be in that house to help save my father and that she knew this was coming. ...so now I have no objections to Jani joining them in the house.

I have elements of those situations in my family also. Certain siblings who are not really that close. Then there are the family members and family friends for which my mother was the light or glue that brought everyone around. I was always one of the more introspective kids in my family. Being the youngest, I had more freedom and did not choose to settle down and marry young, but I traveled and did other things. Unfortunately, I now feel like some of my choices in life have come back to haunt me. That I should have spent more time settling down and building more support around me. I never dreamed that I would reach this age (48) and already have gone through my best friend dying of MS a year before my mom and I did not expect to lose my mom until she was in her eighties. I can't even talk about my best friend with anyone her knew her, because her husband took off for Florida less than a year after she died. Most of my real support network went away with those two women. Going into my 2nd year year now without both of them, I feel like I have lost a lot of my history, with people who knew everything about me. I feel like I banked on time that I did not really have. The fact that they are both irreplaceable people has made it hard to go on and rebuild a new life, because my former life is definitely over.

Hi Starkiss, I understand how hard this is. I had a special bond with my mother too and felt like she was the one person who really understood me. It is very hard to live in the world now knowing that I cannot experience her love "in person" any more. Sometimes I feel like people do not really understand how hard my mother's death hit me. Some people seem to think that if it was not a spouse of many years you are mourning that it is not as profound a loss. Maybe they did not have the relationship that others of us have had with our mothers. I went through some of the same feelings of why do I need to be here anymore? I am still not totally sure of the answer to that question, but I keep trying to get through every day. Somedays I feel like she is getting farther away from me. Surviving the one person you felt really loved you is a difficult thing to do.

HI Maylissa, I related to what you wrote. I have a cousin who was in touch with my mom, that has pretty much blown the rest of us off after my Mom's death. I e-mailed her a few times, without getting any response back from her. I told my aunt that I was confused by her lack of response and the next thing I knew I got a phone call from her claiming that she had lost my e-mail address-She had the two e-mails in her in box ! I gave her the benefit of the doubt though. I then said that we were all coming up to Northern Calif. to my mom's grave to see the new headstone and would she and my uncle like to get together with us for dinner while we were there. Oh no problem! A few days before we left I called her and left a message saying to call me back and confirm that we would meet. Absolutely no answer came to my phone call - not even a call after we left saying - I am sorry I missed you guys. Then her father's sister, my aunt had a tragedy in her family, so soon after my mom died. Her Son-in-Law died of an aneurism,. He was only 38. This same cousin told my aunt that she would be there for the funeral. She never showed and she was only less than a two hour drive away. I managed to take off of work and fly there. Really, I think I can take a hint by now! How insensitive!

Hi Tim, I lost my wonderful mother at 76 last October. I feel the same way about my mom. I miss her so much. There are so many times I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to her. I spent the longest time feeling like she was just on vacation somewhere and that I was waiting for her to come back, even though that was completely irrational . Noone can fill our mother's place in our hearts. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you lost the person who loved you and knew you the best. I am the youngest of three, but it sounds like you might be the youngest also. Every child has their own bond, but I feel like I had a special bond with my mother as I was also the last child at home for a while and she had more time for me alone. I am sorry for your loss. Julie

Hi Maylissa, Today I was thinking about a lot of the very same things you said here, while I was at my parents house. I was there today because my father had been ill and while I waited for him to sleep and feel better, I was sorting out more of my mother's things. I lost her last October 17th. My mother was also the glue in my family. I was looking at pictures of our lives growing up and I thought the exact same thing today - that it looks like my former life. The one before I knew the grief of losing my mother and also my best friend Tish within a year of each other. Losing both of them cut my ties with the people who loved me unconditionally and knew me the best. The only person left grounding me in this life right now is my father. As I sorted through more of my mother's things, I also was looking at things thinking what is the point of all this? Some part of me that used to always pull me through and think that the future could always improve seems to be gone since their deaths. How do you generate that optimism again? The only way that I can think of is to lose yourself in helping other people less fortunate. It's like I need to be pulled out of myself and my misery from losing them both. I feel so isolated.

Starkiss, I am so sorry about you losing your father. I understand how heartbreaking these passages are that we all seem to have to go through. Keep writing on the website when you can. The act of writing seems to help.

I have had that same weird feeling about death being around me this year. IN the last few years I have lost my best friend to Multiple Sclerosis, then a year and half later my mother, then a few months after that my cousin's husband died of an aneurism and he was only in his late thirties. It feels surreal and it keeps bringing my attention back to my own mortality and how I am spending my life.

Hi Kayc, Please keep writing your posts. I read your posts all the time and I relate to every single word you say, even though my loss is my mother, not a spouse. In many ways though my mother was a kind of life partner. We traveled to Russia, New Zealand and Austrailia together. I have been to years of Broadway musicals and museums and concerts with her. Unfortunately, I made it to my forties without ever finding the right guy, who I could see living with the rest of my life. It just has not happened for me, but I relate to you regardless. There are times that I have written things on these pages and thought "Oh my God, I am ranting!" Noone is going to want to read this angry, hopeless post. In the end though, putting things in writing is somehow cleansing. It may not always bring relief in that exact moment, but sometimes when I write down what I am sad or outraged about, even a few days later, it is like there is a processing going on in my soul and I feel a tiny bit better. Maybe some of that frozen, stuck energy in my heart actually moved a tiny bit. I understand everything about wanting to keep the house the same, the whole thing. If you are ever willing and ready to make any changes in your house, you will know inside you that it is time. There is no reason why you need to do anything if you do not want to though. Too bad we all don't live near each other. There are people who write on this website that noone wants to talk to them about their loss anymore and the phone has stopped ringing. I have been through similar experiences. I wish I could invite everyone over to my house and I would feed you and listen to all of you until you had said everything thing you wanted to say about the person you lost.

Hello, I was there also when my mom passed nine months ago. It too was horrible, the machine was still breathing for her even though the heart monitor had gone flat. The strange thing is that I was the last to get to trhe hospital that morning, but the monitor did not go flat until I got there as if her spirit was awaiting my arrival before she could go. I could not get the pictures of that scene out of my mind for the longest time. I had to take Ambien the first few weeks, just so I could drift off because everytime I would close my eyes those last scenes would come back. I felt like I was frozen too. I wish I had some great words that would make things better and take away some of the awful pain that comes with losing one of the people you loved most in the world, but I can tell you that those images do fade. Myself, the first month all I could do was help plan my mother's two memorials, garden and not much more. For some reason, gardening, planting and watering things helped give me moments of peace. Then I just kept getting out of bed everyday to go to work even though I would fall to pieces on the way home everynight. I would go to my father's house on the weekends like you and I would make a family dinner every Sunday to keep people from being alone with their grief too much. My mother's birthday was July 27th and I left work early to go make dinner for my brother and father on that day. Just doing those things I have gradually put together more bearable days, but it has been a struggle. Losing my mother has been incredible heartbreak for me. I understand.

My mother who I loved so much passed away about 9 months ago. I miss her so much. At the time of her death, I called my brother's old high school girlfriend, who had been with us for about 6 years into the 1970's to come to the funeral. My brother glared at her when he saw her at the funeral. Then, when she came to my house after the funeral, at first he would not even talk to her. Then, by the end of the afternoon he wanted to start dating her again. Then 3 months later, after all these years apart he wanted us to throw an engagement party for him! I was honest and said to both of them that I was reeling from my mother's death and could barely get through the day let alone feel up to throwing a celebration! They decided to postpone. Now we are only 9 months away from my mother's death and my brother (who is 53) announced to my father that he wants to move her in with him and my father next month while they save for a house. I am sorry, I know this must sound selfish and petty, but emotionally it just ties me up inside that my mother has not even been gone a year and there will be another woman living in her house. Especially when my mother had issues with this person. It is not that I am not happy that they may find happiness together after all these years. It is not that I do not believe in moving on at some point, but my God, can't people even let a year go by? I will feel strange going over to my parents house and seeing her living in MY MOTHER's HOUSE, after she has only been gone 9 months!!

Dear Trying to go on, I too helped to take care of my mother who passed away at 76. I also feel very alone. I have never married or had children. I never suspected that I would end up feeling so alone at 48. I have my father and two older brothers, but it just is not the same as having my mother here. It also makes it worse that my best friend died 2 1/2 years ago of MS, a year before my mother. I have been through the months of going to work everyday, just to come home and fall apart, knowing that she is gone. Sometimes I think I am doing better and then it all comes back again. I understand how hard it is.

I know exactly what you mean Pam. For me now, it is exactly seven months. The last five months I have been able to get through work everyday, but when I hit Friday night all I want to do is lock myself in the house for the weekend and not come out till Monday morning. If it was not for the fact that I have made a commitment to certain family members to meet at my mom's house and cook dinner every Sunday, I would be a weekend hermit. I still miss my mom so much. There are so many things I keep wanting to tell her. Now my cousin's husband also died two weeks ago at age 43. So young, such a waste. Now I found myself in the role of flying up to Sacramento to be there for someone else. If my mom had been alive, she would have been there for her sister, my aunt, but because she is not here, I took that role. I never had a major loss before in my life. Now after my mother dying, I feel like I understand everyone's loss.

Hello, I lost my Mom this last October. She was 76 years old. I cannot imagine how I would have felt if I had lost my mother at the age that you were and are now. Believe me, you are brave just to get out of bed everyday after a loss like that so young. WE all grieve differently and for different lengths of time. Yes-right now Mother's Day really sucks!!!!! Last year at this time was the last time my mother was at my house for mother's day. I miss her so much. I wish you had been able to have more time with your mother. It is so unfair.

I can relate. I am 48 and not married and have never had children and I lost my mother to complications from the Dialysis Catheter they put in her chest after they did progressive amputations over a three month period. Even at 48 I feel that I am too young to be without a mother. It all seems completely unreal. If it were not for the fact that I have an older brother and my father to be there for, after my mother's death, I bet I would have done something rash, like sell the house and pack up and leave and create some completely new life in a totally new setting. New England sounds great. The most crazy things I have done since my Mom died, is to eat many things that have not been healthy for me and to let the house get really messy, but I hope to start getting a handle on that now.

When my mom died four months ago, the best thing that anybody said to me came from one of my mom's long time friends. When she was younger and had to deal with some painful losses in her family, someone in her family told her that she did not have to get over anything. She did not ever have to "get over" losing the people who had died. When she said this to me, it took some of the pressure off from feeling like I needed to pick myself off of the floor so quickly and get on with things.

Hi Pam, My mother died four months ago and I also have gone through weeks of feeling that my mother was just away for a vacation and would be home sometime soon and the awful dream of never seeing or ever talking to her again would then be over. Strange.. the things our minds do to cope, but the long term reality is so hard to fathom. I miss her so much. I have had brief seconds here and there where I have forgotten she is gone and wanted to pick up the phone or go see her.

Yes, I can relate. I lost my 76 year old mother on Oct. 17, 2004. I was at the hospital everyday for three and a half months. They gave her Demerol at one point which made her hallucinate and relive everything in her life she had ever worried about. I had to hand feed her for those three days until they got the Dialysis machine and washed the drug out of her system by cleaning her bood. My mother went through a bypass on her leg and two subsequent amputations on the same leg all of which weakened her. The doctor's should have been honest with us in the beginning about her circulation in that leg. If they had been honest and had done an above the knee amputation the first time around, my mother would still be here. The progressive operations and a temporary dialysis catheter in her chest, that started an infection in her lungs, was what took her from us. I went to that hospital everyday to help her excercise, blow dry her hair and put lotion on her. We started giving her a high protein shake with frozen blueberries and omega 3 oil and some black figs to get her off of the awful stuff they give you in the hospital for constipation. I constantly warmed up the hospital food and got her ice and watched Ellen with her in the afternoon. I saw her weaken and become more childlike as she got less and less sleep or any real rest in those hospital rooms where they seem to wake you up constantly. She wanted to go home to her own bed so badly and just get some uninterrupted rest. I was there at the end when the infection in her lungs caused respiratory failure. I saw the blood pressure monitor go down. It was surreal because she was really gone but they were still breathing for her with the respirator. The picture of her face after she was gone has haunted me and I had to take sleeping pills the first few weeks just to get to sleep. Everytime I closed my eyes to go to sleep all these images would be there. I cry and cry because I feel so alone without her. I would have given anything to have a few more years with her. My mother was an angel too and I know she is watching me. I will never get over this. I have already thought things like- it will be another thirty years before I really get to see her again. Such a long time to be without her. .....

Hello, I know exactly what you mean. I lost my mother on 10/17/04. I had been at the hospital everyday for three and a half months. We were going to take her home in a couple weeks. My mother had Diabetes and circulation problems and the circulation to her foot closed down. They tried three operations-a bypass on her leg, a partial amputation below the knee and then that did not work and they did another amputation above the knee. My mother survived all of that and then died from an infection from the dialysis catheter that they had inserted into her chest. I went to that hospital and fought and fought and fought for her to live. I am devasted. I adored my mother. I was just numb getting through Thanksgiving., but Xmas will be worse. I have feelings just like many people who write on this site, of just wanting to join her. I feel so alone since she died. It still seems surreal and like she is just on some long vacation somewhere. I went back to work this week to a new job. I make it through the day and then everynight when I go home, I just fall apart. If it were not for some of the posts I have read on this site I might be in even worse shape. Reading these posts makes me aware that there are other people going through these feelings also. I just wanted a couple more years with my mother. I was going to sell my house and go home to live with her and my father, so that I could take care of her. I feel that I got robbed of that time. I wasn't ready for this. I can't believe she is gone. Every night when I get home I feel like I face the realization all over again that I cannot pick up the phone and call her.