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Rosemary T

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Everything posted by Rosemary T

  1. Hi Walt and everyone, I am only at 410 days today (not near 47 months) but it was about a year ago that I came here and met many of you. You seemed so far advanced and further along. I kept hoping that I could get to where you were. Well, now I am there and you are that much further. What has changed is I now know that the "progress" is really not what I would have hoped for. Maybe it is like having a baby.....you forget. The pain I felt those first few months were horrible and I know I am doing better because I am eating, sleeping, and going about my daily routine without falling apart. But I don't know if I am feeling any better. I just exist. Now I read Walt's post and realize that he is feeling lost and without that much more purpose even 4 years later!!! Sometimes I wonder if we all lived close by one another if it would make it any easier? I feel like I have so much in common with the people here but I had stopped posting because it did not seem to be making enough of a difference. So.....who is further than 4 years along? Are those folks just not here anymore? Have they gotten so far beyond their grief that they don't need this forum so that is why they aren't here? How did they do that? Or.......are they like me and just drifted off because they were feeling hopeless again? I want to hear from people like me (and Walt) because it makes me feel less alone but I also want to hear from people who have "moved on". How did they do it? When did they know it was time? What did they do to "get there"? Best to all of you. Rosemary
  2. Thanks for posting this Marsha. I also am hitting another wall but am right at the 1 year mark. I just can't seem to muster and feeling for anything either. I just do "stuff" because...... just because...... I am so apathetic. If I do have something to do, great...I do it. If I don't..fine; I can sit and do nothing. It is no way to live but maybe it is what I need right now. I also don't open up much. I mean really...why? People are well meaning and say they care and that they understand but really....they have their own lives and no, they don't understand. What I try to make sure of right now is not to think about the future. Living like this for another 10, 20, 30, or 40 years?????????????????? As the kids say...OMG.
  3. Ok, I hate to be a "party pooper" here but at first I thought how great it would be to have that hour and Mike's idea of an hour of just being together would be great. Now,.........I would turn down the hour. Why? Because to lose Lou all over again would just be too much to bear. I would only want the hour if it could have been added to the time before he ever had that heart attack. My year anniversary is coming up on Wednesday. Maybe that is why I just can't seem to think of anything positive to say! Sorry everyone! Rosemary
  4. Hi leda, I cannot go by the place that my husband worked for 50 years because it is the place that I believe caused his death. Even though he loved that place and that is where we met and even where we got married, I do my best to try and not even drive by it. So I know how you feel. My home that I had with Lou is different. I like to be there with the memories of him. His colonge and bathrobe are still in the bathroom and my bedroom is a shrine to his memory. I have his urn and all of his pictures there as well. It will be one year for me on January 28th. I am reading what others have to say about never having any real happiness or joy anymore but at least some peace. I guess we have to be grateful for anything we can get! I hope this site will help you make some progress on your grief journey. This is the only place (and a few PM from people I met here) that I get any real sense of peace from.
  5. Hi Leda, I found this site a few weeks after my Lou died in January of 2008. I am close to the 1 year mark and it does not surprise me that you are not "back the way you used to be". I don't expect to EVER be the way I used to be before Lou's death. What I am hoping for is that eventually I will feel as though I have a new purpose in life and am able to accept my husbands untimely death in a more positive light. Right now this is not where I am at! I am glad you found us. I hope this site will be of some comfort to you. I can tell you now that you (without even knowing it at first) will contribute to our healing. We all get strength from each other. Sometimes it is from encouraging words but often it is simply getting affirmation of our own feelings and knowing that we are not crazy or alone in the way we grieve and/or choose to cope.
  6. Teny, Thank you so much for sharing the customs and traditions of your country with us. I love the idea of the good luck coin even though it is not special to you now. Did you ever think that maybe something really bad might have happened to your loved one and that God might have spared him this hardship by taking him home to heaven early? I hope I don't upset you by saying that. I am just wondering. I found out the other day that all the people in my husband's family got Altzheimers between the ages of 65 and 70 and it was a very long, painful, slow death for them and their families. Now I am wondering if maybe God was doing my husband a favor by taking him home with him early (he was almost 67 when he died of a massive heart attack). I know that my husband was so full of life and independent. The worst thing that could happen to him would be for him to not be able to take care of himself or be productive. I, of course, would have loved to have him with me even if he were sick and suffering. But that would be very selfish of me and he used to tell me that this was the worst thing he could imagine. So maybe this terrible thing that happened to me is actually something "good" for my dear departed Lou. I hope you find peace in the new year and can forgive God for taking your Yanni away from you. I am trying to do the same!
  7. I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year. Kay and George Erica and Walter Scott and Kate Tom and Mary Linda Janet and Mike Corinne and Jimmy Jeanne and Alex Derek and Karen Rosemary and Lou
  8. Hi Melanie, This will be my first New Year's Eve without my Lou as well. In the beginning Lou and I would do the whole "big party" thing on New Year's Eve but later we found much more enjoyment having a nice dinner out (an early one) and then playing some cards with friends. We always made sure we were home before midnight, in fact, I was yawning and trying hard to keep my eyes open long enough to watch the "ball drop" on TV. Spooning with Lou and falling into a wonderful, restful sleep, knowing we had spent another year together was all the excitement I needed. It will be very strange to start the new year without him. The "firsts" of everything are so hard. I already did the first Valentines, the first birthdays, the first anniversary's, etc. All that is left now is the first New Year's Eve and the first anniversary of my dear Lou's death. Come here often and continue to rely on this forum and your "cyber friends" when needed. I am told that "in person support groups" are also helpful but have not found it to be so in my case. Believe me when I say I know where you are coming from. I never knew that this pain would come so soon, be so horrific, and last so long. I'll be thinking of you! Take care!
  9. Hi Vickie, I want to echo both Fred and Mike. I talk about Lou all the time. I don't care who likes it or who doesn't. I will remember him and will tell anyone who is listening (and even those who don't) as much about him as possible. I have one dear friend who talks about Lou every time we are together. She loved him so much and thought he was so special and is not afraid to tell me over and over again. I just love her for it. You know, my family members rarely bring up Lou's name either. They try so hard to include me in things and to be kind but I really think they are afraid of brining up his name. You know which family member is the least shy about it? My 6 year old grandson! (Well, he is really not blood related but as far and he and I are concerned I am his Mee Maw). He mentions his Paa Paw all the time and I am amazed at some of the things he says. Children have a special way of thinking about death even though it seems as though they can't really comprehend it. He is never afraid to say, "Mee Maw, I sure do miss Paa Paw!". He told me once, "Its ok to be sad that Paa Paw is gone Mee Maw! You can talk to him; he will hear you but you won't be able to hear what he says back; he is too far away. But he sees you and he knows you love him and miss him." Out of the mouth of babes! Fred, I am not Catholic but a co-worker who is a very devout Catholic and one of the kindest souls I know did something very special for me. On the Sunday after what would have been my husband's 67th birthday, he arranged for a special Mass offered for the repose of my dear Lou's soul. To hear his name spoken by the Father and to have him honored in such a special way meant so much to me. Speak as often as you wish of your loved one. Keep their memory alive! God Bless!
  10. And Happy Birthday to everyone who is having one! Wendy, although I have not posted to you specifically in awhile, I have been keeping up with some of your postings in other forums and think you are a wonderful person the way you find the time and energy to lift up others during your own hurting. Take care!
  11. Well, I guess I will join the "abnormal" crowd then. I hate being away from home any longer than I have to. When I go to work it is different because I am a middle school assistant principal. Believe me, I don't have time to think about anything but what I am doing during the time I am there. But I cannot stay away from home at night. I have had some family and friends invite me out of town but if it is not close enough to get back into the bed I shared with Lou I am just not interested. And if I am just "visiting" with friends or family (I don't have many) after a few hours I get a bit restless and want to head home. I feel most comfortable in the room where Lou and I spend each night together. I have his urn and his pictures there. I also love our family room where I can sit on the couch, pet the cats and watch TV. I will look over at Lou's chair and imagine him there with his leg thrown over one side. Each afternoon I feed the birds and raccoons out back. Sometimes I'll sit on the screened in patio and listen to my water fountain and watch the "critters" eat the treats I have left them or smell the Gardinias blooming on the bush. Some of the best years of my life with Lou were spent in this house, each room and each spot around this house holds wonderful memories. I have nothing but those memories to live off of so I can't imagine being anywhere else. I keep an open mind though. God will let me know when it is time for me to do something. He always has in the past. In the meantime I will "wait" and find comfort in what I can. Marsha, you are not abnormal! And it is ok to be a little selfish right now. Take care of your self!
  12. Wow! What a great idea Mike had about providing the links to the photos! It makes me feel as though I know him and his family that much better! I have also seen people put out place settings for their departed ones on special occasions and never thought it was weird or strange. I had a great dinner last night and ate way too much but after hearing (and seeing) what Mike prepared I think I could have eaten again! Glad we all made it through!
  13. Hi Mike, Thanks for noticing! Lou loved bowling and that is a picture of him at one of the national tournaments. We were even married on a pair of bowling lanes! Marsha, What a joy that must have been. Even though I live here in Florida and even lived on the ocean for awhile, I never saw a dolphin here except at Sea World. I did see a whole bunch of them next to a boat I was in while on the water off the coast of Spain one year! They are remarkable! Thanks for sharing. It was a decent day. I photoshoped a picture of Lou into a photograph of the lady I went to see today. She loved Lou very much and carries a picture of his newspaper obit in her wallet. She takes it out to look at every once in a while. So I gave her a wallet size one and a 4 by 6 in a frame. It took me awhile to get the picture right so that it really looked like it had been taken of the two of them together. I think she really appreciated it! Hope everyone has a great night tonight. I am sad without my Lou but will go to sleep remembering some of the good times.
  14. Fred, Thanks so much for posting. It is good to hear from others who are in the same boat and you expressed what all of us feel so well! I am one of those who chose to be by myself for most of the Holiday and don't regret it at all! I am also amused at the number of people that seem concerned by this "aloneness". I have been alone for 331 days now; today is no different to me. I thought it would be but it is not. I realize this is not the case for others in our group whose grief is newer and "fresher". We are all different yet so much alike! I wish the best to everyone on this site and appreciate all the sharing that brings us closer.
  15. Well everyone, we have made it through another mile stone of sorts! Christmas Eve is over. I thought about going to some kind of Christmas service (like Mary Linda) but when a lady that I met a few months ago called and invited me to go the the Morse Museum in the afternoon, I decided to do that instead. Mr. Morse was a Winter Park resident who loved artwork and opened his museum in honor of Mr. Tiffany. He has the chapel that Mr. Tiffany designed for his own home along with much of the artwork and glass pieces that were salvaged when Mr. Tiffany's house burned in the Chicago fires. It was all very beautiful and a nice diversion for a few hours. I had soup and sandwich at Panera and then went home to make a cheesecake. I promised the couple I will go see today that I would bring it. They were such good friends to Lou and I and now really make a point to check on me and include me in things. I will have an early dinner with them today and spend some time just sitting around and talking. I hope all of you had a very restful Christmas Eve and are now going to enjoy some festivities on Christmas Day (if that is what you are looking forward to). I just want another peaceful day without too much despair and sadness and I will be content with that. Take care!
  16. Hi Marsha and Mel, Hope you all are resting easy and remembering good times. It is hard, but tell God over and over how thankful you are for the time he gave you together with your lost love one. I was so blessed to have Lou for 19 years! Just for today I will try and honor his memory by thanking God for giving him to me. I will try and concentrate on that instead of my loss. Be Blessed!
  17. Thanks for the topic. All of my Christmases with Lou were great ones but if I had to pick a "best" it would be the first one. 6th months earlier I had moved into his apartment with him and was doing my best to make the place festive. We had just found two kittens that had been dumped and since I already had brought my dog into the picture (I told Lou she was part of the deal!) I just knew I had to find a home for those kittens. One day when I was calling the local humane society Lou began questioning me. It was a few days before Christmas and he wanted to know....what would happen to these kittens (who had now been in the house for only 24 hours)? I told him I hoped someone would adopt them but there really was no telling. "You mean they will be separated? Brothers and sisters belong together! We better keep them!" Now mind you, this was a man not used to having any animals in the house and he now had a new "girl", a small dog, and two new kittens, all in this one 2 bedroom apartment. So, together we went and bought all the things kittens need and had the vet check them out as well. The dog (who was quite used to cats) took this all in stride. Then Lou helped me get a beautiful blue spruce to decorate. While I baked and cooked he tried in vain to keep the kittens out of the tree. They climbed it several times a day, knocking ornaments to the carpet! Christmas Eve night, Lou told me why he had not really made any plans for Christmas and was just going along with whatever I wanted. When he was 4 years old, his mother died of breast cancer on Christmas day. He remembered them bringing a wagon and taking her body up the hill. He sat in the back with the body. He and his brother were split up and sent to live with different family members. It was the saddest day for that little 4 year old boy. How I looked up to that man. Now I understood his reluctance to separate the kittens. I marveled at his willingness to decorate the tree and help me wrap gifts for the cats and dog! We snuggled on the couch, watched those old corny movies (Charlie Brown and Its a Wonderful Life) and ate some of the baked goods I had worked on. We fell asleep holding hands. Not the most exciting Christmas we had together but the BEST since I was betting there would be many more and I felt blessed with the greatest gift I could ever get for Christmas.......My Lou!
  18. Kim, Your strength and courage are obviously amazing to us all and yet I know you don't want to feel strong or brave, you want the pain and suffering to stop. What an inspiration you are to the people around you and what a role model you are to your children. When they are grown up, have children of their own, and lives to lead, they are going to be awesome members of society due to watching you handle such adversity. Thank you for always being so honest in your postings. You help us all so much. Peace to you!
  19. Hi Teny, Yes, I am feeling the same things you are right now. I also see very little purpose in life but I keep going because it is the "right thing to do". I am working on trying to surround myself with positive (as Pat mentioned) and try to replace each negative thought I have with a positive one even if it does not really seem "true" or "real" to me. I also try to excercise and get enough sleep. I work many hours to keep busy. Serenity means "accepting the things we cannot change". The prayer that someone else spoke about says we need this serenity and also "courage" to change what we can and "wisdom" to know the difference between what we can change and what we cannot. It is a very difficult lesson that most of us will struggle with our entire lives (if we are even lucky to understand the concept!). You are definately a good "far away friend" and I will keep you lifted up in prayer!
  20. Yes, that is me through and through. I am sitting here now with tears running down my face. I just got off the phone with my mother who is several states away and I told her I am fine. I spoke about trivial things like the weather and what I have been doing around this empty house. I did not talk about how much I miss Lou and how I go from anger to overwhelming saddness and despair. I did not mention how difficult it is for me to try and remember to give thanks to God for all the blessings in my life and the fact that I was even allowed to have Lou for 19 years. In fact, no one except people on this site know how I really feel. This is the only place that I will "vent". Like Mike I feel quite selfish at times because so many of you are suffering more than I am but I still feel it is ok for me to post my feelings here. I would never do that to a person looking in my face (at least not anyone except my Lou) because in real life people cannot just "skip over" what I say or turn me "off" or "change the channel". Besides I don't really know anyone "in my physical life" that could even begin to understand if they wanted to. I don't want to burden them with this. They have their own lives and issues. They don't need to be bothered with mine. I sleep alot right now and read and clean and find things to do.....but sharing with others is not one of them. I thank God for this site that allows me to express myself freely! Rosemary
  21. Hi, Glad you are feeling better. Just want you to know that I remember feeling EXACTLY the same thing when I first started posting. I hate to tell you but I am at 325 days and I still have those feelings on a number of occasions. The feeling of loss and anger and despair are so heavy that the feeling is actually physical. There are times when I feel as though I am going to literally break from the weight of it. It is during those times that I actually ask God, "what are you keeping me here for? This has no purpose; what in the heck are you doing?" Isn't that something; me questioning the almighty, omnipotent God? But I do and I am betting you do too! Thank goodness he has infinite patience! Keep praying, and taking care of yourself. Come here and talk to us and read our posts. Whether you like it or not, time keeps going by. Everyone else goes on and we just seem to stay in one spot (the really bad spot) but every once in awhile we look around, realize that time has gone by for us too, and that we are healing. Sometimes it makes us feel even sadder but it also gives us a tiny smidgen of hope. We understand. Take care! Rosemary
  22. Just in case any of you would like to read about what Teny is talking about.....the Tribune had an article today. What a mess! We will pray for you Teny! http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationw...story?track=rss Rosemary
  23. For all of you who are "not celebrating" anything Christmas, you might want to think about coming here (Orlando, Florida). It is going to be around 80 degrees every day this week so I can't think of a place that will feel "less" like Christmas. Especially at my house; No lights, no tree, no wreath and if any parades or Christmas music is on the TV or radio, it gets shut off. That is one nice thing about being alone, you can do what you want and not worry about offending anyone (at least no one that matters). I actually had someone at work who was questioning me extensively about my plans, tell me that it was not the right thing for me to do (be by myself and not celebrate). Well, since I had not been the one to offer this information until she had gone on and on about it and questioned me I just finally had to tell her to "mind your own business; I am not interested in what you or anyone else thinks is right. I'm going to do whatever I feel like doing". She left in a "huff" and probably won't speak to me for quite some time. Wonder if I'll lose any sleep? NOT! Rosemary
  24. Melanie, I do not have any decorations up nor do I intend to put any up. I will be alone here over the holidays. In fact I have so much time saved up at work that if I don't take it I will lose it so I will not even have work to keep me busy. I will find things around the house and yard to do but I will not do anything that is "Christmasy". I can count on one hand the number of people that knew Lou and I that will even give me a second thought. But really, Melanie, that is ok. They weren't around all that much before Lou died and often then only because they needed something and Lou was very giving. I don't need that kind of "caring" right now anyway. I'm sure I will be checking in here on Christmas Day and Christmas Eve. Maybe I'll catch you here! Take care of yourself, Rosemary
  25. Do you ever wonder how God could make people on such opposite ends of the spectrum? I mean from what I can tell by reading the posts in this forum, there are (were) some remarkable people in the world. We have all given accounts of our spouses that show the most wonderful aspects of the human condition. What boggles my mind is how the exact opposite is also true. I am of course very depressed right now (it could be the holiday season coming up, it could be the fact that the one year anniversary of my Lou’s death is almost here, it could even be that “time of the month” that always seems to make me so cheery) but I am so sickened at the depravity of the human species right now. It seems like I am constantly hearing news programs about animals being abused, elderly being neglected, and terrorists who really think they are making a statement by killing innocent people. I live very close to the Anthony’s (the grandparents of missing Caylee Anthony) and have even seen Cindy and George at the grocery store several times. I knew in my gut that Casey had killed her little girl but when a very young child’s body was found not far from my home with duck-tape wrapped around the head, I just got so overwhelmed again. Of course until the tests come back we won’t be 100% for sure that it is Caylee but the hair, clothes, size of the body, and other things at the scene make it pretty obvious that it is her. How can such evil and such goodness exist together? It makes no sense to me. When Caylee first went missing and everyone thought she was probably dead (killed by her mother) and that the body would never be found, I just said to myself, if there is an after-life and if the spirits can be together, I just know that Lou has Caylee by the hand and is comforting her. Animals and babies just loved my Lou. They took to him immediately. They might be stand-offish with everyone else for awhile, but for some reason, they just sensed that Lou was the most gentle, loving person and they went to him without any hesitation. The more I hear about the depravity of mankind the more I just cannot find any purpose in life at all. I know that is terrible to say, because there is so much joy out there and so much to be grateful for. Why does it seem like this evil is so much more powerful? Will I ever find any of that joy and peace again? For now I want to be the Ostrich who can stick his head in the sand and simply pretend it is not there. I need to keep turning the TV off or changing the channel and forcing my mind off of all of these horrible images of abuse, neglect, and killing. Even people who are already suffering so much (like our dear friend Kim) get more trouble heaped on them in the midst of their grief. I have stopped asking “why” and simply shake my head in bewilderment and disbelief. Perhaps one of you will find a way to respond to my negativity with something that will be positive and uplifting. I hope so because I for one am “tapped”!
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