DebFromLodi

I wish i could remember my dreams. i never can. i never get the joy of seeing my mom in a dream or talking to her. Hearing her speak to me. It will be four years on Feb. 2 since i lost my mom. My world is still upside down and i miss her more than i can say. I pray to God that i can talk to her in a dream and actually remember it, but it never happens. my daughter dreams of my mom all the time. in her dreams she even knows that her grandmother is really dead and has conversations with her about it. some days i don't even want to go on, but i do. i just miss her more than i can say. Good luck to you on your journey. you will have good days and bad days. i have been crying almost every morning, guess it is due to the anniversary of her death coming up. I am lost without you, Mom.

You will get passed those last images. I promise. Give yourself time. I watched my mom die on Feb 2, 2008 and it was hard to let go of the image but now when i think of her, i remember the good times. Don't get me wrong, it can still haunt me if i let it but i choose to remember when she was alive and well. I am so happy for you that she was able to go home to die. My mom was in a rest home. We got the call first thing in the morning and all rushed to her side. She was not responsive at all. Just laying there and we sat with her for about 5 hours. Then she left us. I said to her: "mom you were with each one of us kids when we came into the world. Now we were all with you when you left this world." To let someone go has got to be the greatest gift we can give. I am so grateful that we could be there with her so she did not have to go alone. And i choose to believe that at the moment of her death, her mom and dad came down and took her hand and walked her through to the other side. she did not feel any pain because she was already out of her body. That gives me comfort. Good luck to you in your journey.

I meant to say "your mom" sorry

My mom died 6 minutes before you mom. Wow.

My mom died Feb 2, 2008. 11:34 a.m. I think back to that morning and i can't believe i actually watched her die. It breaks my heart. I think of her constantly and miss her like crazy. She was 91. I wish you luck on your journey. It does get easier with time. But some days i hear a song and i just totally break down. I will never ever be the same without her. It seems so unfair that my life is going on, but it has.

I lost my mom 2/2/08 at 11:34 am. I talk to her every day and night. It does get a little easier with time, but I never stop missing her. I would give anything to have one more day with her. Good luck on your journey.

Susan...thanks for writing back. This truly is a lonely journey we are on, but it helps to have friends like you. Thanks. The one thing my mom always asked of us was to never put her in a "home." We had no choice. my brother was taking care of her after surgery, at his house for a few months. She just was not getting any better and needed more care than he could give. I am sure he feels guilty about this too, but he should not. He stepped up and tried the best he could. He took her to his house after her first knee replacement surgery and within two weeks, she was back at home perfectly fine. This time, she was just too old and frail but she was in so much pain. I remmeber the morning we took her for surgery. She was so happy and looking forward to being pain free. Little did any of us know how it would end. I miss her with every thing in me. She was my life and my first love and she taught me so much. I wish....i wish so many things. Just one more day with her and I could tell her everything I wanted to tell her. She knew, but I would love to hear her beautiful voice again. If we could only have one "do over" in life I would never have let her have that surgery. I would have moved her in with me and tried everything possible to get rid of the pain for her, but too late now and my heart is breaking with missing her. Sorry I wrote so much. I pray you find your peace and heal with time. Thanks for listening and sharing.

So sorry you are going through this. My mom has been gone for almost 4 years. After she died I was so happy that I had NO regrets. Then slowly I started wondering about different things. About a year before she died, the hospital called and said she was non responsive. We insisted they try to bring her back to us and they did with a blood transfusion. This time when they called and said she took a turn for the worse, we did not ask them to try to save her again. She was living in a convalescent hospital and not happy there. We all visited her daily, but it was not the same. They had her so drugged up and in a wheelchair, she was unable to walk. So I questioned myself about if we could have saved her if we had insisted. The first time around, it was a miracle for sure. The second time I don't think she would have come through. And if she had, she would still have to be in the convalescent hospital, cold all the time. Not able to walk or feed herself. But she was alive and now she is not. So many questions and so many regrets. Many doubts about our choices. I just wanted you to know that what you are going through is quite normal. Sadly, I think we all wonder if we could have or should have done more. Our way of punishing ourselves I guess. Guilt's way of showing its ugly head. Good luck to you in your healing journey. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are lucky in one way that I am not: i have never dreamed about my mom, that I can remember. My daughter dreams of her and holds conversations with her. My daughter realized, in her dreams, that my mom is dead and tells her how much she loves her. My mom tells her she loves her back. What a joy that would be. I cannot dream about her and I miss her so much.

I used to be so afraid of death and since my mom has died, I am better with it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't want to die and I still fear the "letting go" part but I am not afraid to be dead anymore because I have faith that I will be with my mom again. I miss her so much and what you wrote truly hit home for me, Matt. It does not seem fair that life is going on without her, almost like she never really mattered in this lifetime. It is almost not fair. She was my life for so long and now she is just gone...poof. No signs from her or anything. Just a void in my heart and my life.

Please hang in there. It is early in your journey. God will help you through it. It has only been 3 1/2 years since my mom died and I still miss her and love her with all my heart. I would give anything for another day with her, but no one can take my memories or my love away. I will pray for you to get through this. The emptiness is so loud isn't it? We are all here for you.

I would choose to believe the smile was caused by seeing someone she loved who has died. I think at the moment we leave our bodies, our lost loved ones come to us and walk us through to the light. I am not what you would call "religious" but I truly believe in God. Having lost my mother 3 1/2 years ago made my belief in God even stronger because I pray to be with her again one day. More than likely your mom was met by her mother or father and she was happy to see them. Or perhaps it was the first time she actually "saw" God. I pray you find your answer.

Susan, don't feel bad about anything you are feeling. Expect ups and downs for a long time. I get to feeling like that sometimes too and it is ok. It is a part of the healing process. You are actually facing her death when you are going through these different emotions. Anger, rage, jealousy, sorrow, and tons more i am sure. Just go with it as best you can and don't be too hard on yourself. Prayers help too. I talk to my mom every single day and night.

It has been three and a half years since i lost my mom and there are days, still, when i just break down and cry. But i do have good days, normal days i guess where i just go about my business living life without her. then i go to bed and my heart aches with missing her. It seems like it has been so long since she has been with me, that now i am used to not having her here, and i hate that feeling. Feels almost normal and i don't like it. I love her so very much, she was my life, my reason for being. But two days ago, i could not stop crying. I keep praying for a sign from her, but have not gotten any. My daughter dreams of her all the time. In the dreams, she knows her grandmother is dead and they talk about important things. I never, ever have those dreams and I wish i could. I feel robbed. Sometimes i think I will go crazy and other times things are ok. What you are feeling is normal and I do think the time will come for all of us to remember them with a smile, though I think there will always be a tear behind the smile. I don't know if this has helped you any, I hope so. We are all going through it together, just in different stages.

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband lost his dad in Nov. of 2000 then his mom in Feb of 2001, only 3 months apart. I just said a prayer for your healing.

I read what you wrote: "my mother taught me everything, except how to live without her" and I can't believe how true that is. I miss my Mom more and more with each passing day. It has been since Feb. 2, 2008 and I can't stop this pain. Reminds me of the song "How can i help you to say Goodbye?" My heart is breaking from missing her so much

Perhaps you should start going to Church? I don't go to Church and know I should but that is where you may find your answers. I love God and believe my mom and I will be together again someday. The only thing I am not sure of is I wonder if you go to Heaven the moment you die or do you sleep and wait for the second coming of Christ to be risen from the dead. It is ok to have questions and if you have doubts, talk to someone at a Church. They will take all the time you need. If I did not believe my mom is with God, then my life would not be worth living. Now, since she is passed, I have a reason to live my life the best I can...so I can be with her again. I have to make sure I get to Heaven becasue I know that is where she is. I could not bear not being with her in the afterlife. I have not received any "signs" from her and I have not had any dreams of her giving me messages but that is where, I believe, faith comes in to play. One thing for sure, I would much rather believe in God in this life then die and find out there is no God then to live this life not believing in Him and dying to find out I was wrong. Does that make sense? That is not my reason for believing of course, but it could be a starting point for you. I also believe that when people die, God is there to help them cross over. They do not feel any pain in the end but instead are watching their bodies and their loved ones. If people do go to Heaven immediately, I doubt they would be able to see us or communicate with us becasue seeing us in pain would hurt them and Heaven is a place without pain. These are only my beliefs and I do have questions. I just have no doubts. I will pray for you to find your answers.

thank you Marty, i am crying too. Happy Mother's Day Mom. I will always love you.

I am not sure if this will help you, but i hope so. I am 59 years old now. When i was in my 20's I started doing speed. It was my life. i loved it. When i was introduced to "crank", I was in Heaven. It is such a powerful addiction. I only snorted, thank God. It controlled my life until 3 days after my 40th birthday when I was arrested and have been clean ever since. I was a terrible mother but thank God we lived with MY mom, who helped to raise my daughter. When I met my curent husband, I moved in with him and left my daughter to live with my mom. I loved my daughter so much, as your mom loved you. I just couldn't be the mother she needed. I never considered suicide, thank God. Since i am clean, my daughter and I have a very close relationship. In fact she and her husband live across the street from me. The point I am trying to make is that your mother did love you. The drugs took over here life and she probably felt there was no way out for her. I can understand what she probably felt but I also know what i put my daughter through. I am so sorry for your loss but please try to not take it personally. By that I mean that it was your mom's problem she was unable to break away from. Unless you have ever been adicted, it is hard to understand but even harder to explain to someone who has not been there. Talk to her often and ask God for a sign. You need peace. If you could talk to someone professionally and let them help you sort it out. I can only speak for myself, but I know how much i loved my daughter and how hard it was to leave her with my mom. But i could not be a mother to her and probably would have ended up losing custody to the State. Your mom was trying to protect you by letting your dad have you. She knew you would be raised in a good, loving home. The kind of home she was not able to give you. First you have to find a way to forgive her for taking her life. I wish i could help you by what i went through. I will pray for you to deal with this.

It is so sad. Every year on my birthday I wait for "the call" from my mom. she always would sing to me. But no more...

My mom died after having knee replacement surgery also. She died 2-2-08 at 11:34 am. She just never recovered from it. She was 89 when she had the surgery, way too old at the time. I am so sorry for what you are going through. My dad has been gone since 1979. Please come to this site when you need to talk. We are all here for you. Things do get easier, but there is not a day that goes by that i don't speak to my mom and ask God for a sign. I don't think it will ever get better, just a little easier. I guess i am use to her not being here now, and i hate that feeling. She was and still is, the most important person in my life (besides my daughter of course). You only have one mom. It hurts so much. I will pray for you to find the comfort that you need.

Oh Shelley, Seven years OMG. My mom has been gone for only 3 years and it seems like forever since i saw her beautiful face. I feel your emptiness and pain, my friend.

3 years for me and i still have that empty feeling. Today is my 4th birthday without my mom. She died on 2/2/2008. I am going to take her flowers for my birthday. i know she would have wanted to sing Happy Birthday to me today.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I went and saw my mom 2 days before she died. That was Thursday Jan 31, 2008. I took advantage of my sister and brother going to see her the next day, Friday. I just wanted a break. Well, Saturday Feb 2,2008 we got a call that she had taken a turn for the worse. That was around 6 a.m. We all gathered at her side and at 11:34 a.m. she passed away. Why did i not go to see her on that Friday? When i visited her on the 31st, she was up and talking and i went in. She said "i love you, i love you, i love you. I am hungry" thank God i had brought a meatloaf sandwich which she ate completely. Why did i not stay longer that day? You see, we all have regrets and questions, but we must move forward. Had we known, we would have been there 24/7. But we did not know and we cannot kick ourselves constantly. We must forgive ourselves as our moms have forgiven us already. Be kind to yourself during your journey and please know that you are not alone

Remember that your dad is not a mind reader. Talk to him and tell him what you need from him. Be totally honest with him. Talk to him face to face though. Just my advise of course.

It has been 3 years for me and it is not any better. it does get a little easier though. i will never stop missing her and talking to her daily. she was my mom and i love her so very much.