babysister left behind

For the past week and a half I have been in a good mood! I think about Sam all the time, but it hasnt made me sad! And I thank God for that cause my eyes needed a break! Today is starting out like it has been in the past, I come to work and every little thing irritates me! And I find myself maybe being short with people (which if you knew me that isnt me) but no matter how hard I try not to be, I am! People are telling me their problems and just the little things that are bothering them and I have no sympathy for them! I wish I had those little problems! Losing Sam has taken all of my time, physically and mentally! All the small problems I have just seem to pile on top of losing my brother! I cant even get past losing him to deal with the rest of my life! I feel so numb to life and just so in denial! It will be 8 months on March 21st! My life has just flipped around! Since Sam has passed away I have lost 21 lbs and I cant even eat evryday! I feel like I am melting away! I can sit in my room and not talk to anyone and I would be fine with that! When I first lost Sam I couldnt even go to work without stopping by his work everyday where him and my boyfriend worked together and seeing Taylor and just having him tell me that I would be ok, and that I can call him when I get to work and talk to him some more! I would have to stop by there on my way home and if I was home alone I would get panic attacks! I would wake up in the middle of the night with night sweats and I would panic that something was wrong with me! And that I might die too! I am still that way but I have the panic attacks under control now! Im just so scared of everything! I just want this all to pass...I want Sammy back but I know that he isnt comming back! I just dont understand why, why all this is happening! Im so lost!

Today seems a little numb, my boss's husband passed away 10 years ago and she showed me a picture frame that had a beautiful saying on it and I thought I would of cried but I didnt! Not one tear came to my eye! And that scares me! I am so confused! Am I doing something wrong? I miss Sam my brother so much, but I havent cried in a couple of days! I havent thought about it in a couple of days either! Does that make me careless? What is going on with me!?!?! I hope that how I am acting is normal! But I have never had to deal with anything like this, so I dont know what is happening anymore!

Sam is my best friend! He told me how it was no matter what! He was always straight forward with me! To me the sun rose and sat on him! Even though he was doing wrong, in my eyes he was perfect! We are only a year apart in age and we were so close like Bonnie and Clyde! We were partners in crime! I am having a lot of mixed feelings! When I have a good day I feel guilty, for even smiling knowing what happened just 7 months ago! In the beginning I had more bad days than good and I couldnt even get what had happened out of my head! And this may sound weird but I was greatful for the times that I didnt think of my brother or what had happened to him! Just the whole accident crowded my head 24/7! I was totally numb to what was going on and I just couldnt process what had happened! 7 months later and here I am still numb and still confused and sometimes I even think that he is gonna call me! I listen for his ringer that I have on my phone! And sometimes when I see a blue pickup truck like his on the road I think just for a second, I gotta catch up to him! Then I snap back to this thing called reality and I almost get mad at myself for thinking those things! My world has turned upside down since he left us! I am definetly not my old self, and I am trying so hard to find that person I used to be! And the problem with that is, is he helped me be that person! He brought out the carefree, fun-loving person in me! I have an older sister but she lives in Colorado and we aren't very close! We maybe talk once every couple of months if that! She is 7 years older than me and it just kills me to think that the only person that got who I was is gone! The one person that protected his babysister so much! More than my dad did! I just thought that this would of brought my sister and I closer together. My brother and her didnt get a long at all! They butted heads ALL the time, he was upfront with her about his feelings and she didnt like that! So there was always this wall between them! I would always beg my brother to make amends just incase something ever happened to our fmaily! But he was stubborn and so was everyone else! I am just so alone without him! Him and I were really close and now I am here alone in Az, and I feel nobody gets me! Nobody gets my cooky, silly personality, or throws me around the dance floor like he did, or sticks up for me like he did, or says my name like he did! He would leave voice messages on my phone and say "Jessie Lou (but like it was one word) you are supposed to answer your phone for your brother, when I call,(and he would chuckle) call me back, love you bye!" A part of me just died that day! And now I dont know which way to turn, I am so lost and so numb! I am so in denial that he isnt comming back! Staring at pictures of him just seems so fake to me! I know that in my heart that he loves me and misses me like i miss and love him! But I know that we will be in heaven together one day and I am gonna jump and tackle him and just tell him how much Ive missed him! I cant wait to see his beautiful smile and I cant wait to hear him say my name the way that he does! One day over the rainbow!!!

Hi Chris, I am new to this site and I read what you had wrote and something about your story just spoke to me! I can relate to your story in some ways! Or atleast to me I can! I am 24 years old and I just lost my brother 7 months ago yesterday! It has been a roller coaster of emotions, mainly numb ones and denial! But I am sorry for your loss and if you ever need to talk I am here! Please dont hesitate! Jessie

Hi am Jessie, I am new to this site, so please bare with me! This is a long story! I first want to tell you a little about Sam. Sam was just so carefree, and fun loving and just so open hearted. He was just so upbeat and always had a great time and just always so happy! He stood up for what he believed in no matter what poeple thought and he was a strong person! He was goofy, and smart, fun, crazy, just loved and lived life to the fullest!!! On July 20th, 2007 I had asked my brother if he wanted to meet Taylor (my boyfriend) and I up at The Roadrunner, a bar/restaurant to listen to kareoke and play some horseshoes and just shoot the s***! And of course he did! He rarely ever passed up a time to get together with friends or me! Taylor and I had gotten there before Sam and his friend Brian and we dicided to get something eat! So we are sitting there and we see them walk in but they totally dont see us and we are just laughing and then we finally waved our arms and they came and sat with us! I remember Sam had eaten part of Taylor's chilicheese burger, and he told me that he kept burping up the chili taste! We finally moved over to the outside bar area and sat at a table and poked some fun at some of the people that were singing and just laughing and being goofballs! i remember showing him my very first credit card cause I was so excited! And what he thought of me meant so much to me!!! I looked up to him! Well I am in love with George Strait and my brother would poke fun at Taylor saying that I love George more than him....it was really funny! The song "The Chair" was playing and I danced with my brother to that song! Never knowing that would be the last song I ever danced to with him! Taylor and I left shortly after that, and I gave Sam a hug bye and that hug just really felt different, its like he gave me that little extra squeeze and held on for one second longer, and it made all the difference in the world! We asked when he was leaving and I remember him holding up his beer bottle and his words were "I'll be right behind ya!" Taylor and I drove seperate that night and as I was driving I remember thinking "anyhting could happen in just a minute!" Next I remember getting a phone call from Sam's wife Danielle who was 4 months pregnant with their first child! They were both so excited to be parents! She was asking me if Sam was with me and I told her no Taylor and I left the bar about 11pm! I believe it was around 2 am when she had called me! And I didnt think much of it casue Sam was one who "shut the bar down!" And his friend Brian drove that night so I wasn't worried! Well she had call me back about 30-45 minutes later and was out looking for Sam, she was frantic and crying saying that she sees a blue pickup truck in the desert and was wondering if she should get out and see if it was Sam, casue he drove a blue pickup truck, she got out and was yelling "HELLO, SAM" no answer and she couldnt remember if she saw his truck at home or not, so she was going back to check! Again, I was a little worried but I didnt worry becasue Brian had drove that night, I figured they were at Brian's or still out somewhere! She called me back and said that his truck wasn't at home, she had returned to where she saw the truck. She was looking in the truck and couldnt find him and then all of a sudden i hear her yell "SAM"..and she said Jess hurry up and get here! My world stopped that day! From that moment on my life was changed! I got out of bed and got dressed and Taylor drove to the accident! they lived out in the desert, where neighbors were far apart! I really didnt know what had happened yet, I just knew something was wrong! I swear I looked at the spedometer and it said we were only going 45 mph but i knew we werent! It was silent in the car and everything was going in slow motion! When we got there the police and ambulence were already there! I got out of the car and I rememebr I couldnt breathe and I ran to Danielle! She was crying and just histerical, No one was telling me what was wrong! Or maybe they were and I just want comprehending it! I was completely numb to what was going on! My mind didnt seem to work, I couldnt process what was happening! I didnt understand, this couldnt be right! My brother was 25 years old in a single person car accident and he hit a telephone pole and was ejected from the vehicle! My world sliiped away that day! He is my best friend, my brother, my confidant, my hero, my soulmate! I will write more later!!! I need to take a break! Thakn you Jessie