SusanK

Rhonda, you did something wonderful for him. You always taught your daughter to love and respect her father. So often in the acrimony of divorce patents use offspring as weapons. You gave him a beautiful gift. You were more of a wife to him than many women ever are. I am sorry for you loss and your daughter's loss. s.

Kathy, I am so sorry that friends and family did not offer support on the trip to the family gathering. I often encounter people who act a if my husband never lived. I will never understand that. Don't want to. I know four people I can speak reflectively about my husband.. I have a special place in my heart for them. It's Ok to move beyond the people who behave this way. My address book is being rewritten in the months since my husband's death. So many disppointments from people I expected to act differently. And refreshingly some stepped up who I did not expect. Hoping you find some peace. s.

Kathy, teh better place emark and others are just more hurtful. People just don't get it. We are in pain because we no longer enjoy the physical presence of our loved one. The grief is about us> They just don't get it and say insensitive and hurtful things. At times I isolated just to avoid such comments. Wishing you some peace. s.

Deborah, Please don't apologize for posting. You are feeling the raw emotions that we all know too well. Investigating his death? Hmmmm . . maybe you psyche is protecting you from that. The medical establishment is first and foremost a business. They close ranks and manufacture a reason/excuse for any bad outcome. It should NOT be this way, but it is what it is. I wish you the best in whatever you decide. s.

SingleDad, so sorry for your loss. I don't know if it would help you but I just gave into the pain and stopped resisting. Sometimes I am able to string 2 or 3 decent days together. Other times it does not go that well. I hope that your grief gives you a little respite. take care s.

I was enjoying an after dinner coffee at a restauant today. I glanced at my hand and saw my rings. My rings made me feel so sad. I was fighting back the tears and finally went to the ladies room to cry. I always wear my rings and his around my neck when I leave home. My rings have been a comfort, his still is. Wonder why all the sadness today? s.

Yes, I isolate more and more all the time. I am treated differently as a widow--as if it is catching. SOme women "hide" their husbands from me.No danger! Some phone briefly to tell me what I should be doing. Some walk up to me and aske for one or two of his possesions. These are not close friends but people who want an item to they do not have to pay for it. It sucks. No I have not been to an individual couselo. the hospice here hard sells individual counselling. I have little confidence in the organization and would not consider one on one with the. This is ot a good life. s.

KathyG, not silly at all. I turn the channel when the sport news comes on. He was watching the Indians/Yankees playoffs in the hospital before surgery. The Cleveland Indians win seemed like a good sign. Post of Cleveland was losing to Boston and his course had changed. Bt the time the World Series was on he was no longer watching. Sports news here is all about the Cleveland Indians. I have to turn it off as the memories are too strong and I was not a fan. s.

Shhh65, I am so sorry. I wanted to go back and get a do over too but it does not wor that way. I have no advice to give but I wanted to tell you that I am genuinely sorry for your loss. Please keep posting. s

Jackie, I am sorry. For now grief will own you. Try to eat, sleep, breathe. Rest frequently. You will fatigue easily. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Take care s.

Understandable Shelly, maybe finding a supportive ear is a good way to go. I am also of the persuasion that once they boot you from one of the groups at the same organiation it may be uncomfortable to attend another. ALso bouncing from group to group makes finding good support difficult. Good luck with finding support. please post back on pregress. s.

I have had about six dreams of my husband since his death five months ago. I remember each one vividly. Some dreams woke me. All were good dreams and I felt better after. Maybe the psyche just will not let him go. s.

STARKISS, are there other grief support meetings in your area? A different hospice, perhaps? Maybe you can find another group to attend. ope you can find support. s.

leeann, thank you for the reply. As for our question as to why I was asked to leave the ongoing group, there is no valid reason that I can think of. s.

STARKISS, you are kind and loved or will be loved. If you have specific wishes for final arrangements perhaps pre need planning my be a source of comfort for you. Survivors will not have to deal with deatils and your wishes should be respected. Just a little food for thought. s

leeann, I just got off the phone. The other wiudow who attends the group was calling to see how I am doing. We talked for over an hour. This is the sad part. I only attended 3 meetings and now I am mot permitted to return even though the relationships are positive and supportive. If you have the opportunity to attend a group by all means give it a try. Who knows. I am registered for a closed six week support group begining Monday, April 7 at the same hospice. The registration request and phone confirmation from the facilitator were done prior to my the team leader booting me from the open and ongoing gruop via VM. Both of the other two widows have completed this six week group and highly recommend the group and the facilitator. Now my question. Is there an expectation of a cancellation call from me to the facilitator of the six week group? This is customary to free up space for another. Have I been booted from this group as well as the one specified? Is that understood or is ther something else expected from me? Thanks for any input s

Yesterday I was in a restaurant and one of the widows from the group I was kicked out of came in and to my table to say hello. It was so good to see her! She was with a woman she met in that group who no longer attends. They were both so nice. The lady I had never met coincidently remembered my husband and me from the restaurant a few years ago. It helped so much to talk with the two women who were friendly and understood. We only visited for a few. I had just joined another couple who realized I was bummed sitting alone and were kind enough to include me. Too bad that relationships like this are aborted by self serving grief support outfits. Just not wanting to give this another go as it was a crushing blow at a time that i did not need more hurt or aloneness. The most amazing ting about the hospice operators is that they re in the business of death and are frivilous about running a support group. In some cases, I think it is just a paper compliance. s.

Shelley, that's the kicker for me. The support comes from relationships formed with other group members, not the paid emplayees of hospice. Unfortunately they have the power fo the bereaved and so I am hesitant to chance it again. One of the other widows in the group got a call about me from a hospice employee. Makes it difficult when the put pressure on other group members. We got along well and had several phone calls. As it is now the gent who lost his brother stopped attending, I was kicked out, the two widows one year out are still there and a new male member came to the meeting I was not permitted to attend. s.

I am gun shy at this point. Emotions are too fragile to take a chance on this. I was actually hoping for help from this group of crackpots! Still not understanding why I was expelled. The gentleman at the December 2007 meeting needed AA. He was permitted to stay and take over the meeting. I guess they are infallible at the Hospice of the Western Reserve in Ohio and plan to stay that way. I am not up for the risk of another such experience. Thanks for the support everyone. s.

(((((Suzanne))))) I does hurt to dispose of things. I have not doen it yet. He kept pennies in a jar and it was difficult to use them. I knew when I got to the oldest jar because I found a key in it from a Mercedes he bought in "73. I kept some of them as well as the collar stays, cuff links and buttons in that jar.Golf tees, too. take care s.

Lori, I was asked to leave as I contacted the hospice to learn of other meeting they hold after attending a very disappointing meeting in December. It was my first meeting. There were two other widows, a man who lost his brother, a man w/o a loss who needed a meeting but not a grief support meeting and me. My husband died the previous month. IU was hanging on by a thread for support. The guy w/o a loss interrupted others and took over the meeting. He was sitting under the wall clock so he had the facilitators attention. I did not have an opportunity to speak. The two other widows followed me out of the meeting and exchnged phone numbers with me. I called the next day for other meetings. They said they would send me a flyer. It arrived with a meting schedule. They have 8 offices in 4 different counties. No street addresses were given,just the city name. I called for that info and they were on VM for 12 days for holidays. Called back Jan 2 and got more VM. FInally got a person and asked about the street addresses of meetings. She said "I would have to find the paper where they wrote them down" and asked me to call back as she had other calls. I gave her my fax number and she agreed to fax the info at her convenience. Still waiting for that fax! Called again to follow up on the fax or any info about meeting locations. They were not happy about that. I attended a meeting in January with a substitute facilitator. Good meeting. Everyone was given a chance to participate. February the regular facilitator (clock watcher) was there with a team leader. I mentioned that it was the anniversary of my mother's death. Facilitator cut in and talked of the events surronding and follwing her mothers death!!! Two weeks later I got the VM not to return. If you can find a reason that makes sense here, please advise. s.

Shelly, I thought I was the only one in the world to get "the boot" from a support group. My offense was having the silly idea that one person who had NOT experienced a loss should not be permitted to monopolize the entire time the group met. The hospice all the way up to the Director was unhappy with my foolish notion. A team leader left me a voice message not to return to the group. I was depending on that particular meeting as it fell on our 29th wedding anniversary and the first such occasion since my husband's death. That voice message was just too cold for me. I decided not to let such people play with my emotions and have been doing better for it. I am sorry you lost your support. It is unfortunate when a "leader" pulls the rug out from under a bereaved person. Don't we have enought to deal with already?? I get support from this board and Widwonet.org. Hope you find what you need. I an relieved to be free of the place that treated me badly as it was easier than doing their job. best to you. take care s.

Thank you Marty. s.

PattyAnn, so sorry you were alone today. Holidays are like that for many of us now. Life without our husbands is a huge adjustment. Sometimes we just end up alone on special days. Yes, I agree that widows are often treated differently. I hope you have some peace and comfort today. s.

Lily, I am sorry you are hurting so today. This is a very hard life. Sad, lonely, empty. I hope you have a moment of peace from time to time. The song is "Sunday Morning Comming Down" by J. Cash. I think it is from the late 60's. take care s