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C-C

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Everything posted by C-C

  1. Kim, I just finished thanking you for your post to me (C C) and now I come and read this post from you and I can see your heart is breaking!!!! I also see your wedding anniversary of April 2nd would be 21 years. Mine and Cal's is April 1st and it WILL be 50 years. I said I am still going to (I don't want to say celebrate because that seems to mean party) BUT as far as I am concerned I am still married to him so I am going to honour it. Your WHOLE post seems exactly the way I feel too so I DO know what you are going through. Now in my answer to your post to me I was saying how some of the others have said to me that I should remember that Cal wouldn't be the kind of guy that would want me to be sad and crying ALL of the time as I am sure your Dan wouldn't want either. I did a lot of thinking about this after I read it and I did remember the times that he would come into the room as I was humming or singing to the radio and it made him sooo happy to hear that I was happy. He told me this so often!!! All he wanted out of life was to make me happy. I never think of taking pills to make it all go away BUT I just don't worry about things that could happen to me... like before I was nervous to ride with someone that I knew wasn't a good driver BUT now I think well if anything happens it dosen't really matter anymore I would sooner be gone than here alone. I have read many other posts that sound the same so we are all in the same boat BUT we have to think of our family that WE would leave behind to go through this kind of suffering with neither one of their parents to lean on. I know how hard this is on me and I wouldn't want anyone else to go through it soon so I will hang in there even though I know it is going to be hard. I loved that man with all my heart and I hope to be with him again some day but for now I will just have to take one day at a time and keep remembering the smile that came to his face when I was happy. PLEASE PLEASE come back and talk things out with us so we can try to help you through this bad time you are having. I will be thinking of you. Carolyn
  2. Hi Kim, First of all I see I MADE A MISTAKE in the post to Jenew ... I thought her husband was Dan but I see it is your husband. Sooo sorry to the BOTH of you for this mistake. I also find that I come and read the postings of the other people that have lost their loved ones and yes I cry as I am reading them because it seems just like what I am going through BUT yes it helps to know that I am not the only one going through this. I just CAN'T imagine how you would have felt when she said she was glad her brother was dead!!!! What kind of sister was she to her brother to even whisper or think a think like that. Your husband and you must have had a very hard time even while he was alive dealing with a person that mean minded. Thank you for the hug and here is one back for you as I feel you must really need it with terrible people in your life at a time like this. It is hard for me to comprehend how you could handle this during your marraige of 42 years. It must have been sooo hard for you. My sister in law (I am hoping even thought it did really hurt) made this flipent statement without thinking before she spoke. She tends to be a very cold person at the best of times. BUT now I feel guilty for even posting what she said because I found out that her husband (who is my Cal's brother) now has skin cancer. I did call to let her know that I was thinking of them and ask when they will be returning home from Florida but now I feel so guilty about posting what she had said to me. I hope with all my heart that everything goes well for them. Seven moths alone seems like an eternity to me so I hope that you are doing the best that you can. Come back when you can and let us know how you are doing. Carolyn
  3. Hi Jenew, You mentioned going to a support group..... I also thought about this but am timid about showing my feelings in public. I am just trying to reorganize all the drawers, rooms, garage anything that keeps mre busy. Last night I woke at 3 am and started in again. I worked for about 1 and 1/2 hours before I could go back to bed again. I still cry but now I am NOT turning on the radio because it seems that every song is too sad for me right now. I was married to Cal for 50 years and he had just turned 70 when he passed. I know the number sounds old but we were a very young couple in mind and body. He was NEVER sick and he could work harder than a 35 year old man ... our son in laws can attest to that! In fact when he had his first symptom of the cancer he was building a shed for a younger neighbour of ours in Florida. It is very good that you have the support of your family and friends. I don't know what I would do without my girls. I didn't want to leave the house at all but they are slowly getting me out there now. I still have this twinge of guilt ... that I am here and enjoying myself while Cal is gone. Try to keep up your friendship with your friends as I am sure they will help to keep your days filled to a certain extent. I only have a few friends that have kept in contact with us as we were gone all winter for so many years that we had lost that close friendship with the others. Hope this week gets a little better for you ... we have to just keep on going. Others have answered me and said that they are sure that Cal would not want me to be sad and cry all the time and it would like make him feel better to see me smile a little more. Well I thought about that and you know ... I remembered he said what he always LOVED was when I was happy and he often told me he loved it when I was humming or signing. It made him feel good to hear it. I am sure your Dan felt the same way so try to keep that in the back of your mind. Please come back and post to let me know how you are doing.
  4. Hi Angie, I am sorry for your loss. I was married to my husband for 50 years when I lost him on Feb 10 this year. Yes I also held my husbands hand as he left us so I know what you mean. He slipped into unconciuosness the day before he passed BUT at 3 in the morning he awoke and smiled and recognized all of his daughters and their husbands. He said hi and smiled and puckered his lips for me to kiss him and he wispered he loved me then after just a couple of minutes he became unconcious again. Cal didn't make any differnt facial expressions at all but yes we watched his colour change slowly. I am just so glad that he was home and we were all around him telling him how much we loved him and my heart tells me that he knew what we were telling him. Carolyn
  5. Welcome Jenew, I see that you lost your husband just about 2 weeks before my dear Cal passed from Cancer also, so I can REALLY relate to what you are going through. My CAl also fought with all his might until the Tuesday before he died. I know that was the day he gave up because when he asked me to take him outside and I told him there was too much snow for the wheelchair he said "put me in a wheelbarrow and take me out". I then told him I wouldn't be able to get him in it because he couldn't walk and he hung his head and said "I know " ....he kept his his head hung for a little bit and then muttered "what the hell kind of life is this". I could just see the difference in him every day after that as he was leaving us. He died that following Sunday afternoon here at home with our girls and their husbands around us. I am just so thankful that I managed to keep him here at home til the end, as he wanted. I also have a wonderful family that is trying to help me through this BUT like you said ... it is ok when people are around but it is this big empty house at night that gets to me and I cry a lot then. The first thing that came out of most friends mouths is "Well I guess you will be selling that big house now" .... I don't want to leave here because every place I look there are things that Cal has done inside and outside, like the arbour that he built in the backyard for our daughter to get married in and all the huge boulders he found and moved into my gardens for me ... I could go on and on but the point is that I feel SAFE and close to him within these four walls right now and I don't want to go anywhere. I know it will be hard to keep this size of a house and property going BUT I SURE AM GOING TO TRY! In the 24 years that we lived in this house our side door was NEVER locked because it was so far to go to when the door bell rang, but my daughters have insisted its not the same when you are by yourself..... so I gave in and it is now locked. We were very fortunate that the company Cal worked for folded so he retired at a young age and he had 14 wonderful years of retirement. We were here in the summer and then spent the winters in Florida in what he lovingly called "our little house". I couldn't face going down there this year by myself and I don't know if I will be able to face it next year ... only time will give me the answer I guess. As others have said on this site ... this is a good place to come to get moral support from others that have traveled the same hard road as we are travelling now. Most days I just sit and read what others are going through and I cry along with them because it seems just like me but once in awhile I can sit and send a post. Either way it is a place where you can vent your frustration and hurt and know they will understand. Carolyn
  6. Thank you all for your posts. I am sorry but I just couldn't answer any sooner. I did come and read BUT then the crying would start again and I couldn't see the keyboard to type. This has been the worst weekend yet and I am wondering if it will ever get any better. I keep telling myself that I am just feeling sorry for myself and I need to get on. Today it is 1 month since Cal passed and it seems like he has been gone an eternity!!! I miss him sooo much. Sorry I have to go as the tears have taken over again.
  7. Bad morning ... Yesterday my daughter brought her daughter up to spend the night with me and she said she purchased a bunch of scrapbooking supplies for her and they were here to get me to help her start her first album. Well my granddaughter got everything out and we started putting things together and worked right until late that night. It was a good night and I know what my daughter was doing ....just trying to keep my mind from dwelling on Cal. Everything was ok until I went to bed that night and then I was wondering HOW I could have had fun with him being gone such a short time????? Now I feel sooo guilty and I can't even get the energy or will to do anything now. What a horrible feeling. I looked at his photo this morning and just cried and cried while I hugged him.
  8. Hi Gail, I see what you are going through and I feel for you!!! I don't know if I am making it worse for myself because I sleep with a large picture of Cal on his pillow and I kiss him goodnight and good morning every day. Yes it makes me cry each time but at the same time I feel closer to him. I sure hope you are having a better day today. There is not much eles that I can say to you yet as I am sooo new to this. I am just reading what everyone is saying and I can see that I am not the only one out there that is hurting like I never would have believed I could and this does help somewhat. Sometimes you just feel like you are all alone and no one seems to care. That is why I keep coming back here because there is such good support. I hope that one day I can help someone out there. Today we are supposed to be getting more snow so there is no way that we can even go out for a walk or even go for a drive to take our minds off things. I don't know about you BUT we are socked in here. Sometimes I wish I had gone down to Florida like my daughters wanted me to. Oh well hang in there ... spring will be here soon. Carolyn
  9. Hi Lily; It was my sister in law that said that and today Cal's other brother and his wife came for a visit along with 2 of Ca's sisters and I broke down crying and ran out of the room. When I composed myself I went back and apoligized for breaking down and told them that every time I cry I think of what Cal's other sister in law had said. WELL they all said she has always been cold and I just had to forget it. It turned out that we all ended up crying for a few minutes because I know these ones really loved and missed their brother too. I am just afraid if I keep breaking down that people will give up on me and not visit because they think it is them that is making me cry. When they ask me how it is going I say "well at this moment I'm ok but any little thing can set me off and it's nobodys fault. I just think of some little thing and there I go again". How do they expect a person that has been married for 50 years to stop crying when really he has been my WHOLE LIFE and now I am all alone. I am crying because it just hurts soooo much that I think life will NEVER be the same without him and I really could care less what happens to me now. You are doing exactly what I do ... I cry when I am alone and the tears and sobs just keep coming. I remember near the end when Cal could hardly stand and I was dressing him I would tell him to hang on to the towel bar and then while I was tucking his shirt into his pants and when he would try to do it but couldn't I would tell him "this is how I get my hug .. put your arm around me and hang on" I can still feel his feeble arm around me and I cry and cry and cry wishing I could still have those hugs again. This is one of the things I think of every morning as I am washing and then reach for the towel on that bar. It is any little thing like this that sets me off. I can HONESTLY say I know exactly what you are going through. I never want to forget him BUT I hope this constant hurt will subside a little so I can look at our older photos and smile while I think of the good times. Right now when I walk by the memory boards we made for the funeral I just cry and cry. My eyes are burning all the time now. Carolyn
  10. Yes Marlene that is what she said to me when they came for a visit before he passed. It is funny how some things bother you and make you wonder if that is what others are thinking. Well I guess I have to concider where it came from as they left for Florida while he was near the end and then didn't even come home for the funeral! This was his own brother and sister in law!!! My sister and her husband stayed home and moved in to help me with Cal and my other brother had just left for Hong Kong for the winter 10 days before Cal passed and he was on the first fight home to be at his funeral. The rest of Cal's family were great ..... they came to visit him and did things that he asked as he was trying to have everything ready for the winter for me his sister didn't go to Florida until after he passed. His younger brother came to clear the snow for us and brought fuel for the big tractor and brought wood in for the winter. He did what ever Cal asked of him. His sisters baked something for him every time they came (we were all trying to put a little more weight on him). Even his brother in law came and fixed some of his equipement (a backhoe) and then sold it for him so I wouldn't have to deal with it later. Cal was sooo worried about what was going to happen to me after he was gone .... not thinking about himself at all. Oh here I go again ... I could go on for hours ..... got to stop. Carolyn
  11. Hi Gail, I don't know how you do it. That was really fast ... no time for goodbye or anything. At least I had the time that Cal was sick to continually show him how much I loved him. We didn't talk that often about him passing BUT it was a known fact it was coming. As I said before, I never left his side for the 11 months other than 5 or 6 times that I had to. When he would fall asleep in his chair and I would go to the bedroom for a quick nap because I had been up with him all night, I would get about 10 minutes and then my daughter would come in and tell me he would just be able to sence when I had left the room and wake up and look around for me. I devoted myself to his every whim those months and I often told him that I would be able to live out the rest of my life confined to this house if I could just keep him with me .... I didn't need anything or anyone else. I guess that time helps me a little .... I think I would have gone off the deep end if he had gone as quickley as your Bruce did. I cannot even imagine what it would have been like for you!!!! My heart goes out to you!!!! Carolyn
  12. Thankyou Teny & Marlene for taking the time to answer me. I am finding (as you said) it does help being here on this board of others that have lost their life partner. I just can't help thinking that I really need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I had one sister in law tell me that when people cried in front of other people they are looking for sympathy!!! This has really stuck in my mind and I try my hardest not to cry in front of anyone BUT it just happens. I wonder what she thinks I am looking for when I spend the WHOLE DAY crying at home by myself!!!! Enough about me and my problems as you too have lost your mates!!!! So sorry to hear this and Teny you lost yours soooo quickley!!!! I had Cal here at home for 11 months before he passed. Marlene you lost your husband at SUCH a young age ... so sorry to hear. I hope that you both have lots of good memories to fall back on. I have the 6 memory boards that we made for Cal's funeral standing all around the house and I look and I cry BUT I see what a good, kind and caring man he was and that helps me somewhat. Hold on to the good times girls. Carolyn
  13. Gail, you sound very fortunate to have all the help you have. I know in my heart that Cal's family would help with anything I would ask them to do BUT they live about an hour away so I am going to have to do most of everything around here. His sister called me this morning and told me she would come down with his other sister for a visit tomorrow if the weather was good. We are not on a farm but have a 10 acre parcel with a pond on it and Cal kept about 4 acres of it as manicured lawns so I can see me out there on the tractor cutting grass all summer long. He tried to show my how to "summer fall" (I think that is what he called it) when you cut in a figure 8. He was a farmer that left the farm for a better paying job. What I am going to have to do is see if I can get his brother (who is a farmer still) to KEEP the grass tractors in working order. I don't have any of our 3 daughters living at home as they are all married and have families so this house is very quiet and lonley. They do come and visit on the weekends though. My granddaughter rents an apartment from us BUT she works shift work and is either gone or sleeping most of the time. She picks up things for me so I don't have to go out. Have you been to Orangeville? I don't know how far apart we are in miles or time travel. So far today it has been not too bad .... I have only cried a few times ... my eyes were still burning when I got up this morning from a whole day of crying yesterday. I think it really does help to read the postings of others that are in the same position... the only thing is it does become scarey to think that it is going to be like this for years, I don't know if I could handle that. I don't EVER want to forget him but going through life like this is just another kind of HELL! Like you say ... one day at a time. Carolyn
  14. Gail, I know what you mean about keeping busy. The first week was busy then after the funeral it stopped all of a sudden and you are all alone in a big empty house. My girls call once a day and chat for a min. or so BUT they all live a good distance from me and have jobs and families of their own so they are busy. So I sit there and try to think of ways to keep busy but I can't clear any of Cal's things yet because it seems like I am going to wipe him off the face of the earth. I had to take his name off our bank accounts and just doing that really hurt. We live in the country and we have had bad weather so going out has not been on my mind. My girls were up on the weekend and insisted that we go to town to do some grocery shopping BUT I cried as soon as we got about 1/2 of the way there. There is NO rhyme or reason to my out breaks. They wanted to get me out of the house because during Cal's 11 month battle I only left the house 5 or 6 times. Our girls came up with grocries and anything eles we needed so I was able to stay with him. Do you have a job (at least this would keep your mind occupied) or do you depend on keeping busy just at home? My girls think I should head down to Florida (were most of our friends are) in hopes that this would keep me better occupied BUT I am scared to be that far away and ALL ALONE!!! I have NEVER been on my own at all other than when Cal's job took him away for a week BUT I knew he was coming back.. I hope things are better for both of us today!!!! Hang in there. Carolyn
  15. Here it is 2AM and I am up again ... just can't sleep so thought I would see if anyone else was awake here. Thanks Rosemary & Regina for you encouragement. Regina you must still be wondering how this could have happened at such a young age...at least Cal and I had many happy years together for me to look back on. It is hard to imagine your loss at such a time. Rosemary- I'm so sorry to hear of your recent loss too. As your Lou was like my Cal you must have lots of friends there. Please tell me ...has it helped by being with them or is it harder??? I live in Ontario, Canada but we always went to Florida for the winters. Most of our friends are down there and my daughters have told me that I should go down for the rest of the winter BUT I am scared to be there all by myself. At least here at home at one of my 3 daughters will be here on the weekend and I can cry with them without feeling embarressed or feel like I'm going to turn them away because it makes them feel uneasy. It would also bring memories of such good times that we enjoyed down there together and now I would have to do alone (IF I even ventured out to do them). My girls tell me that I would be able to keep busy better down there because I might get back into my scrapbooking and card making crafts with the group I enjoyed it with. Here I just seem to sit and think and cry. Sometimes I think I am just feeling sorry for myself and I should buckel down and get my life together and STOP feeling pity for myself because others have gone through it and seem fine. I sat here tonight reading other posts and yes it does help to know that others are hurting just as much as I am. I guess I never thought of my posting as helping someone eles out there ... but more like it was me reaching out for someone out there to make it a little better for me. I just feel so lost and alone!!!!
  16. Thank you for answering Larry'sgirl & Kayc. Well I am missing him something terrible today. We both knew it was coming because they told us 11 months ago that he was not cureable ... so it was just a matter of time. He had kidney cancer that went to his lungs,brain,2 ribs, backbone and hip. I am glad to say that I was able to keep him at home the entire time and he was the best patient that anyone could have. He NEVER complained once!!! He seemed to accept the outcome very calmly. I was the one that cried but found that I had to do it alone because that really bothered him to see me cry.He died at home with me holding his hand and our daughters and their husbands surrounding him. Like you Deborah, I had a man that put me above anything else. I remember I saw a window valance box in a magazine one day and said boy that is nice and without me knowing it he went out to his shop and made one that afternoon for me. He wanted to give me the world. He never wanted anything for himself. During his battle with cancer even when he was not feeling well if I rubbed my arm he would ask if I had hurt myself or if I was OK. Oh I could go on about him for hours and hours BUT thanks for listening anyways.I am crying so Hard now that I can't see the keyboard any more so I will sign off for now. Thanks again Carolyn
  17. Thank you Lyn & Gail for your support. It helps to know I am not alone in this new type of life of living alone, even if it feels like it. Carolyn
  18. It has only been 15 days since I lost my soul mate to an 11 month battle of cancer and it hurts like nothing I have EVER experiancied before. I am scared, hurting and so not knowing what to do with myself. I know that everyones husband is special BUT I feel like I got the gem. He was the kindest most giving person to anyone wheather it was a friend or a compleate stranger. We were renting a place in Florida and one day I saw him run down the street to help another man push a lawn mower up onto his trailer, then just turn and leave giving him a wave of his hand. He never wanted anything from anyone as he was the giver.Another time he was helping a neighbour that was holding a yard sale by being a sales man for him and selling the tools he had. One elderly man bought some tools he needed for building a shed and Cal got talking with him and noticed he had a bad leg. Cal asked where he lived and found he was just a couple of blocks away so the next day he was gone on his bike to spend the next few days helping this man get his shed up. This is just the kind of person he was! He was the one who made everything just right for me and now I am soooo lost and lonely that I don't know what to do. People call and I'm ok for the first few minutes then all I do is cry. I sleep with his photo on his pillow and kiss him goodnight then cry myself to sleep and then kiss him good morning and start crying all over again.
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