fred

You know my prayers are always with you. Special thoughts are needed for these special days. Take care, my friend. Love, Fred

Happiness? Good question. Perhaps it is too soon, perhaps you are too busy with day to day tasks and responsibilities. I am just past three years and have only myself to look after, but even so glimpses of happiness are spaced too far apart. You are busy and have the joy of being able to see your grandchildren daily, could it be that your son`s situation is the source of much of your unhappiness? The situation sounds like it may be too much for him to deal with constantly. Is it possible for him to change his residence for a period of time? Maybe a trip or vacation away? Good luck with everything. Sorry for your loss.

For those of you that know of our dear friend WendyJ, I am asking for prayers on her behalf as her Grandmother´s condition changes. Wendy just received a call from her family, that her Grandmother´s kidneys are shutting down. I believe Joan is ninety-four or ninety-five and it was in her household that Wendy was raised. Thank you. Fred

Thank you for replying Maryo. The more support we get, the more lives that are shared, the more we realize how common our situations are. While I would love to be able to retire, it is my work that often structures my life now. A day off can get easily wasted sleeping late and feeling sorry for myself. It seems I now have to push myself to do those things I used to look forward to. Good luck with your journey, I realize that fifteen months was still early in my grief.

Thank you friends, it´s always comforting to know we aren´t having these feelings alone. And, I´m not sure it´s just the time of the year; the anniversaries of our respective losses are spread throughout the year. For me, I think it´s just the continuing realization that things aren´t progressing as well, or as quickly as I expect. That may be a personal issue, I have always felt shear effort can make things happen. But the part that disturbs me is the difficulty I have accepting life alone. Kay and I were talking last night about how we have both lived alone for large parts of our lives and have been; at least content, if not comfortable with the situation. Maybe it´s the knowledge of how close to perfect life was with our spouse, or the suddenness of the change; the shock to our systems. I don´t know, I´m just getting tired of the way things are.

Hello friends, For those of you who do not know me, I am a widower. My life ended almost three years ago, and though I have tried, it seems impossible to restart. My existence today is just that, nothing more. Each day begins and ends much like the one before and though I have hope that everything will improve eventually, no one can tell me when ¨eventually¨ begins. I´m not perpetually down, I do function reasonably well; but there is no ambition, no drive, no focus, just...existence. There are several anniversaries I will be facing in the next few months, and then, perhaps, I will try to move on again. I realized a while ago that starting a new relationship provided a spark that gave some light to this endlessly dreary world. But things didn´t work out and the resulting crash far back into my grief was worse than I would have suspected. A few more tentative forays into the dating world and I discovered that I really wasn´t ready to try again. Maybe next spring. We´ll see. I have made many new friends. Some here, some on one of the online dating sites, many in the real world, but they don´t take the place of all that has been lost. And so, life goes on. Not well, but continuing. I can remember being told that the first year of grief is the hardest; baloney. Some said things get easier after the second anniversary; perhaps, but not what I would call appreciably. Now I hear that this next year is usually better, okay; well, maybe every year will be a little better, but will things ever be good again? Is there anyone still checking in that feels they have made it through the forest, or climbed the mountain or any of the other analogies we use to describe our journey? Is there any one turning point where you can say ¨yes, I survived my loss¨, or do we just slowly evolve into our new selves?

Hi Teny, It is good to see you are still posting. It has been several months since I have been able to log in here. Every time I try, I feel all of the pain of those that have found themselves needing the comfort and companionship found here. KayC, WendyJ and I talk regularly, Wendy also keeps in touch with Stallyn (William); we are all still struggling. I have returned in the hopes that those of us that have already been on this journey for several years can write to each other on the ¨New Beginnings¨ section to see if we can find our way forward. I hope you will join me there; along with those that are reading this hear and feel that they may be ready to consider trying to move ahead. Please continue to take care of yourself, my friend. (((HUGS))) Fred

Derek, My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family also. You know by now that there aren´t any answers, or at least not any good ones. All we can do is to support one another and to take the time we need too to get through each day. Don´t rush through any step and just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other when you can. Take care of yourself and be especially mindful of those without our experience. Fred

Hello Urchin, I am so sorry for your loss, so sorry you had to join us here. But you have found a safe place, We understand what it is like, what you are feeling and what you will go through. Please write freely here, it is best to face this all head on, just as it comes and as you can. I have ¨survived¨ over two years now and was in very bad shape when I first found these wonderful folks. Just try to take care of yourself as best you can for right now. Your grief is still new, still raw; you will get better but it will take time. Don´t fret over the house much now, you will deal with that when you are able. The major concern is your well being for the moment. Please rest and return here whenever you need or wish to. Someone will be here whenever you need a friendly ear.

Kathy, Glad to hear you are progressing and making the effort to keep up your health and spirits. I think you have found some of the keys to healing and, as you mentioned in your latest thread, you can now see some of the triggers to the difficult times. My only concern is your work as a hospice volunteer. I hope that it is not too soon for this type of effort; knowing ahead of time the final outcome and that you most likely will spiral well back into your own personal grief. I do hope that this will not be the case. Maybe Marty or one of the other much more experienced members here can address that. Love, (((Hugs))) and prayers

Hi Kathy, Sorry to hear you are going through another particularly bad patch now. I don´t recall a difficult span at that point, but after that first year, the ups and downs didn´t have as much of a pattern as I see in everyone´s early grief. The roller coaster seems to be affected more by individual circumstances at your stage than the more general guidelines. Being well beyond the second anniversary, I am now able to look back on each down cycle and discern the causes for each, but not at the time they occur. In fact, right now there is a light depression causing me restless nights again and while I think I can see an instigating event, it really isn´t important. I know that these will come and go (probably for the rest of my life) and am no longer afraid of them. They are part of the grieving and healing process. Just continue to care for yourself, get your rest when you can, etc. and you will get through. (((Hugs)))

Thank you, all. Sharing is why we are here.

Some of you are new here, many have been here a while and a few for years. We all have experienced, or you may yet share, in the same feelings and trials common to all of us that have lost our spouses. The journeys are often so similar we realize instantly when others know exactly what we are talking about, and we draw comfort in knowing we are not alone; in knowing that someone has walked this path before and is still here to tell about it. We have, or you will, hear the common myths the outsiders think will comfort us: time heals all wounds, the first year is the hardest, I know just how you feel (when obviously they don´t), you´ll get over it, it´s a good thing you´re young, and on and on. But what is it that gets us through? When does it get better? How long does it take? There are no set answers. Just as you, your loved one, your relationship, your situation are all uniquely different from everyone elses; so your journey will be just a little different than someone else´s. There are many things we will have in common; but the place in our grief, the time that these milestones occur may be different for all. And then there are those things you should try to do to keep this from being any harder than it has to be. Don´t fight against your grief, don´t try to force your way ahead, to pretend that there is some way of avoiding any of what you will have to go through. Take care of yourself; try to eat when you should, not just when you feel like it, try to rest as much as possible, accept as much help as is offered and be open about your feelings, do what you can when you can and don´t beat up on yourself if you don´t measure up to anyone´s standards (including your own). Your loss is not something most people can relate to. If you find someone that can and is willing to help you through, great, if not we are all here and we do know what it is like. I started this thread because I realized today that there is so much that we need to work through in our grief, that we will not begin to heal until our bodies, and minds, have recovered from the side effects of our loss. For me, that means trying to make up for almost eighteen months with very little sleep. I lost twenty-five pounds and struggled with a mind that couldn´t work through a relatively simple task or remember what it was I wanted to do three minutes ago. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks and God knows what else aren´t things we bounce back from like a bad cold. There are reminders and pitfalls we will endure as we try to begin to assemble a new life. What I realized is that there are so many things in grief that we have never experienced before, that it is not until we have been able to deal with all of them that we even start to heal. Even the beginning of the healing stages are a roller coaster ride that tosses you back into the midst of your grief. You will need to climb out of the pit, or find your way through the forest over and over again until you know how to do it without being overwhelmed by the pain and shock of finding yourself set way back, or even sent back to the very beginning, before your grief begins to subside. But there is hope. There is strength in knowing that others have done it. Take comfort in one another and in the love you can draw from knowing that you know love, and what it means to love and to be loved; and that someone cares for you as much as that very special person you hold in your heart. You can do this. And you will. Love, (((Hugs))) and Prayers for all that walk this road

Hi Teny, While it is always good to know you are still posting despite your grief, I do wish there were some advice I could offer you. Sometimes it is too painful for me to read the postings of the new members every day, you know how easy it is to open those wounds. I still check in every couple of days and was thinking today of posting something I just figured out about our journey and its duration.. My life is not too bad now. I am beginning to accept the solitude, though of course I don´t like it. All of my families; birth, in-laws, church and online are great comfort and keep me occupied to help make life bearable. I have tried a couple of times to begin dating, but have been fairly quickly remined that, perhaps, it is still too soon. The exercise of trying does seem to help though. My prayers are always with you, Teny, and with all of those that have found their way here. Especially with you though as you are beginning the journey all over again. At least you are familiar with some of the things you will have to endure again. Please continue to spend as much time as you can with your children and grandchildren. The joys of new and vibrant life remind us of our purpose here, and please take care my friend. Love and (((Hugs))) always, Fred