Pam7477

It was good to read this post. I hadn't seen it before. I am forgetful now. Usually hyperorganized, I lose EVERYTHING and have forgotten several important appointments. (Mom died 5 months ago). I also find it very difficult to schedule anything in advance unless I have to, because I have an aversion to being forced to leave the house if I don't want to. My grief is like a load of cement which I'm carrying around in my stomach nonstop. I have my 30 year high school reunion in July (in the town where I grew up and where my mom died) and I'm forcing myself to go. I don't want to be afraid of going "home", even when my mom isn't there. But even thinking about this huge task ahead is making me nervous. I didn't realize missing someone so much would be so physical.

Mother's Day was terrible, as I expected. It hurt deeply to see all the multi-generational family groups all enjoying wonderful family time together. My mom died on December 10 and I feel like Hallmark was making it their personal mission to make me feel miserable. It's been 5 months today and the hurt is still overwhelming. I miss my mom so much. I decided to just allow myself to be sad for the day and not try to pretend. Luckily, Mother's Day only comes once a year.

I'm having a very bad week. My mom's memorial service is Saturday. Need I say more? I can't eat or sleep and I cry all the time. I wish I knew whether she'd approve of the service or the dinner or the reception. I just wish she were here to tell me she loves me! Pam

Tomorrow is three months now that my mom has been gone. The night times are really really hard. I always used to call her around 7 o'clock. Today I went into a shopping mall and bought a few things for spring. I haven't been able to shop since she died. It feels so superficial to want things, when all I really want is my mom back. I so wanted to call my mom and tell her what I bought. She used to love hearing about those little "snippets" of life. On one of the last days my mom was able to speak, she said to me, "I'm not afraid. I'm ready to go." That comment is haunting to me. How could someone know they're so close to dying? How could they not be afraid? I didn't know what to say. She gave my sister directions to the crematorium and told me specifically how she didn't want a coffin. We honored all her wishes, and are having a memorial service on April 2 in her home town.

Kelly - You are right. Saying I am no one's child is like saying my mom didn't exist. I guess I just loved being a daughter.....I had looked forward to seeing my mom grow old, and helping her as she aged. I live about 400 miles away from where she lived, and I'll never get over the guilt of not being there full time. Never never never.....

JCL - Isn't it awful? I keep waiting (hoping) for the phone to ring. I feel like my mom was the only one who ever loved me unconditionally. She was so nonjudgemental. Now I'm nobody's daughter....

I know exactly how you all feel. Even though I said "I love you" and "what a great mom you are" to my dying mom dozens of times, I kick myself for not saying it more when she was alive. I did tell her I loved her a lot, but is it ever enough? It was horrible watching mom die. Afterwards, someone gave me the book "Final Gifts." It helped explain a lot about what was happening. I couldn't understand why my mom seemed content to die and seemed to be distancing herself from me. She never called me during the last months of her life and seemed disinterested. Now I know she was getting herself ready to die. I had no idea losing a parent would be this tough, even under natural circumstances. She was 76 and died of breast cancer, but I still feel cheated. Now I'm no one's daughter!!!

I came back to check on this site because I'm having a very bad day today. I guess I'm getting ready for mom's memorial service, which is April 2. She died on Dec 10. I just miss her so much and I want her back! I feel like she's gone on a long trip, but now I'm ready to have her back. I just feel so sad and empty and on the verge of tears all the time. My husband is supportive, but he's ready to move beyond it and I don't feel like I can be open about my sadness anymore. It's also hard dealing with all the physical "stuff.' All her mail is forwarded to me and it hurts to see her name on magazines etc...with my address. I regret not living in the same place she did all of those years. We wanted to, but my husband's work prevented it. I miss her. My daughter misses her. I just am so very sad. I don't know how people get through this!!! I feel like I should be able to handle this better, because my mom was 76 and died on her own terms. She was ready to go. But I wasn't ready to have her go!!

Thanks for the reply Marty. I do take it one day at a time. Tomorrow will be one month since my mom died. It was a "good" death - she was in no pain, we didn't force extraordinary measures, we had her moved to hospice when the time was right, she got to say goodbye to family members. And yet. I can't believe how a person you love so much can suddenly just disappear from the face of the earth. It just seems so cruel. My mom was the one person who loved me undconditionally - it's the kind of love you receive from no one else, not a spouse, a child or a sibling. In spite of having a wonderful family, I suddenly feel so all alone. My world has shifted on its axis.

Lost my mom December 10, and my sister-in-law December 23. My pain is too painful to bear. How do I get through this? Pam