terlinda

Dear Lilly, I too have not written in quite sometime. Actually I only wrote once and thought to myself, why would these people really want to hear how I feel. Well, I decided to come back and read the post because I have been feeling so lost, so alone and depressed, here I find you have written EXACTLY how I am feeling. Thank you so much for writing what I couldn't bring myself to write.I'm sure you were crying when you wrote it as I am. I too have no friends. I assume now that all the friends we had were really my husbands friends. My husband was truly my only friend. Like you, I am so alone. I even sometimes think, like you, the world wouldn't miss me. If they did, they would call or come over or something. My kids call but not as much as I would like them too. When I call them I feel as though I am interrupting their lives. I don't cry around them but I think they fear I might. I always tell them, call me anytime, you know I am always either at work or home. They know I don't go anywhere. I really can't believe my husband is gone. Married 32 years. This wasn't supposed to happen to us. I lost him Dec. 19. We were supposed to grow old together. Like you, I have the face but inside I am torn apart. I can't even talk about my husband for fear of crying in front of someone so I just keep quite. I constantly cry at home. I, like you, wonder around with this blank, deep empty feeling wondering why I am still here. What is my purpose. The only thing keeping me sane right now are my pets. They are very understanding.I know they know how I am feeling. At least they are here. Well, just wanted to write and thank you so much for writing. It does help knowing we are not alone in our feelings.

\Dear EJN, I have never written to anyone that I do not know. Mt daughter sent me here to check out this forum. Your story was the first one I read. Let me tell you. I know exactly how you are feeling. I lost my husband just before Christmas, Dec. 19th. We were married for 32 years. April would have been 33. We married when I was 21, he was 23. Like you, I have never been alone. I go to work and I'm fine. Coming home is the worst. I keep thinking this isn't real. We were supposed to grow old together. I feel so alone and really don't want to be here anymore. I'm trying to train my "outdoor" dogs to be indoor dogs because I'm am so scared and can't sleep.I constantly wake up all hours of the night. I have two wonderful daughters but they have their own life and I don't want call them and cry on their shoulders because I'm sure they feel just as much sadness as I do. No sense in making them feel worse. I am scared more than anything about where my life is headed. All the little things he used to do such as turn the tv or stereo on, I took for granted.He would always say "you need to learn how to operate the remotes". If I shrugged my shoulders he would then say... "Your going to miss me when I'm gone". There are 5 or 6 remotes!I simply turn the sound down and punch the off button on the tv. I don't even know what days the trash is supposed to go out, how to take care of the pool or his fish aquarium. I can't even reset the stupid thermostat or irrigation timer. I love to cook. My husband loved my cooking. Now, its a can of soup. We had our routines. Now I just wander empty room to room. We had no insurance. His policy was for accidental death (written in the fine print). I don't make enough money to pay for everything myself, so I am cutting off a lot of things I think can live without. I am in the process of attempting to start my own home business on the side to make ends meet but then again, what if I can't make it work. My husband's brother called me three days after my husbands death and said I should think about selling my house and moving to an apartment. Sell both vehicles and get an economical used car. Get rid of my pets. He must be thinking my life is over too. Another thing that really makes me sad is we both really wanted grandchildren. My husband would always say "I'd make a great grandpa". But we never said anything to our girls. Having children is a personal thing so they have to decide for themselves.Neither one of them wants children. I have a feeling now that their dad is gone they won't have a reason to have children anyway. Their dad was very important to them. I'm the mom but that's it. Their dad was everything to them.I wish it were me instead of him dying.Life sucks without him. While he had his little things that irritated me. I would give anything in the world for those little irritation now. I know many people have been through the same thing but I simply don't know how they survive.