Susala

Shell, I sincerely appreciate your kind words. I can't help feeling like maybe my mom did want me there or at least someone, because both my sisters were there and 1 of my brothers. I've had several people tell me the same thing you did, but I can't help feeling like I failed her. I guess my head understands, but my heart says I wasn't there when she needed me most and my sisters were. It could be that she thought maybe I couldn't handle it and maybe they could. I don't know. Susala

I'm having so many different emotions.........mostly heartache. My mother was sick for over 2 years and the doctors said there was no hope. I feel like I've been grieving all along just knowing she would be going soon. I tried to spend as much time as I could with her. I lived almost 100 miles away, had 2 little ones at home, and also took care of my handicapped "significant other", so it wasn't as often as I would have liked. I am feeling guilty for not finding babysitters, caregivers, and taking more time off of work. I loved my mom, but all my siblings were there with her so much more than I, and I feel like they somehow loved her more. I can't stand that thought........it hurts so bad. Luckily I was able to go last weekend and be with her as her time was close. She told me she waited for me and for me not to go. I told her that I wasn't leaving and was spending the night. During the night she seemed worse. My sister asked me if I thought she should call Hospice and of course I said Yes. The nurse came at 5:00 AM and listened to mom's heart and said it was still really strong and that mom would probably linger on a few more days. I had to get back to my kids, so I said my goodbyes, I love you, and told her it was okay to for her to go be with her Momma in heaven. She had been calling her all night. I felt at peace on the way home, asking God to take her and not let her "suffer" anymore. I didn't dream it would happen in just a few hours after what the nurse said. My sister called and said she was gone. I was so mad at myself for leaving when I could have spent those last moments with her. I just didn't know.............I just didn't know............I'm so sorry Mom. I can't help wondering why it happened this way. Susala

Hello, Your story is so sad........I'm so sorry for your Losses. Please do not blame yourself for your mother's death. She does NOT blame you, nor does God. It is not your fault. You were an innocent little baby, an angel in God's eyes. Your mother gave you precious life, and unfortunately, childbirth has complications sometimes. It was her time to go to heaven and had NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! Just one week ago I lost my mother who I was lucky enough to have during my childhood and even my adulthood and am very grateful for that. Reading your story actually helped me. My heart is so broken for losing her, because I wanted to have her longer, but I should be thankful that I was able to have her as long as I did. So you actually inspired me and I know God works in mysterious ways. So thank you for your story and I wish you well. When we lean on God in our lives, things do get better. Don't know what I'd do without Him in my life. Thanks again, Susala