Midnight

Its coming to one year that dad died and I can finally say this without crying. But people just dont understand what I am going through. Because my dad was 96 and he lived a good life I am expected to not talk about him or to forget about him. I have talked to people and they just slug it off and say well did you want him to live forever or what do you expect at that age. It just angers me to hear things like that. It seems the only place that I can talk about dad is at my therapists office and he totally understands. When I talk about dad I just beam with pride because he was such a great man. I was his little princess as he liked to call me. I miss him so much but he is apart of me and he will always be in my heart

Hi Dawn I feel your pain. I am going through these same issues since my dads death Feb.08 but its with my own mother and brother. See since I killed dad they are not allowing me anything of his. My dad suffered a massive heart attack and was put on life support until all of us kids came to see him and say goodbye. But no one would sign the papers for him to be taken off life support. The doctor said if we as a family are going to be selfish then he will do it but he wanted us to do it as a family. My mother and brother wanted to keep him like this as a trophy because they could not let him go. My brother asked if they bought a life support machine could they take him home. At this time I grabbed him by the shirt collar and said take a good look at dad, he would not want to live like this. So I went and signed the papers, hence I killed dad. They have made every effort to tell me that I killed him but I was the only sane person to let him have his dignity and go to his final resting place. I know dad would have wanted this. But now they will not let me have any ashes. They are keeping dad in his urn in the kitchen cupboards with all the dinner dishes. Last time I went home my brother gave me the urn and said say hi to dad. I was just sick. They would not give me anything of dads. I had to go into the closet and steal one of his shirts. This angers me so much how some people can just be downright cruel. My god let me have some of dads things. I cant even have any pictures. Or I had given dad this bottle of whiskey it was in the container of a grain elevator he was a farmer and I cant even have that and there are two of them. Like give the youngest daughter a keepsake that I will treasure. But no....I am denied this. And it just angers me to the point where I am not even going to go and visit my mom and brother. I did not even go home for christmas this year because it was not home anymore without dad and the thought of spending the holidays with them just sickened me so I spent it with my husband and dog. Even my therapist said they are sick people and he does not even personally know them. They wont even let me have any ashes to put in a grave at the local cemetary where dad lived for all of his 96 years. So now no one will know that dad even existed because there is no grave no marker no nothing. My demented mother and brother said that dad did not like the cold so they dont want him in a grave. Give me a break. So Dawn you are in my thoughts. I know how painful it is not to have any mementos or rememberances of your loved ones. If I knew that my mother and brother would not be home for a hour or two I would drive there and break into the house. I want to do this so bad just to have more of dads things. I told my mother when she dies I am going to take what I want and my brother said he wont allow it. I said after I have him committed to a mental institution then I will take what I want. So try and keep your chin up. I know its hard. First you have to deal with the death and grieving process. But then you have to deal with people who are mental. I am not going to ever stop at trying to get dads things. Take care

Patti I know my family is stupid have known this for years. They wanted to keep dad alive for their own benefit. Before I signed the papers, my demented mother and dad wanted to know if they could buy a life support system and take him home. And the doctor was just baffled. He told my them that he would not be getting fed and they asked if they could feed him by a feeding tube. It was then that I grabbed my brother by the collar and said take a good look at dad, he would not want this, please let him go. They still fought me, but I signed the papers. Dad is in heaven with a smile on his face because his "little princess" cared enough about him to let him rest in eternal peace. I take great comfort in knowing that.

I want to get another dog but hubby says no. He does not want to break Samantha's little heard by getting another dog. She is now 8 and has gotten so used to getting all our love.

Great idea about taking the day off. I am going to plan a me day. Get a massage get my hair cut and hilites (just made the appts now) and then take hubby out for supper (so I dont have to cook). I will feel better if I can get over the panic attacks and the hellish nightmares I am having. I have whats called night tremors where I wake up in a burning house (this really happened my ex set the house on fire and left me to die) but I survived. Without my understanding doc and my therapist and hubby and dog I would be in more of a emotional mess than I am. take care and thanks for the reply and this is my dog when she was a puppy - hubby got her for me on our first christmas. We had been going out for about 8 months and he said we needed a puppy to make us a family. What a sweetheart!

It's coming to the one year anniversary of my dad's death. He was 96 and yes he did live a good life but the hurt does not lessen. People think just because of his age I should not be grieving. Even my husband does not understand because his mom had a massage heart attack at the age of 52 and died. People at work have not been so cordial, they say oh well he was old enough or well at that age it was bound to happen. Comments like that just make me ill. And my family members are being jerks. See my dad was put on life support until the family arrived. Then no one wanted to sign for the life support to be taken off. The doctor said if we as a family are selfish and can't make the decision then he will. So I took the initiaive and signed the papers. Dad was gone - his eyes and everything were opened but they were all glossy. The doctor said he was gone and his eyes were moving because of a reflex. So now my family is saying that I killed dad, which hurts me so much. I dont have any contact with the family that is saying this. I know in my heart that I did the right thing and dad would have been proud of me for the only family member to allow him not to be in pain anymore. For the last 7 years, dad was practically bed ridden, had to be helped to the bathroom, had to be helped to eat. He would ask me all the time why am I still living - I dont want to live like this. My family wanted to keep him on life support because they could not deal with his death, they wanted him around like a trophy on a mantle. They did not think that dad would not want to live like this. So how do you deal with the anniversay. I know this past Christmas I could not even bring myself to go home to moms for christmas. It was not home withouth dad. I did try to get there but had a major panic attack so hubby said we are not going. So we turned around and spent christmas together. I have a shirt of dads that I keep and whenever I am really missing him, I take the shirt and hug it like I would hug my dad. I am thinking of getting his shirt made into a memory bear. So that I can hug it and make me feel better. Every now and then I will get flooded with his death and will cry instantly. Its hard if it happens at work then I have to go into the bathroom and have a good cry. Then when people ask whats wrong I say I am just missing my dad. And they look at me like I am crazy. My boss said but why that happened so long ago. Some people just dont understand. I am seeing my doc and he has put me on some meds to help me sleep and cope with his death. I am not the angry out of control person that I was one year ago. And I am seeing a therapist. When my dad died, his death brought back so many traumas that I had experienced. Like being molested by my brother at the age of 12, and I was in several abusive relationships, one where I was raped and had a abortion because of the rapes. And then I have to deal with dads death on top of these issues. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD - Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My therapist wants me to take time off - go on a stress leave, but my boss and co-workers would just not understand. And besides, I am not wanting to tell them what I am going through. My husband does understand so why would they. I have not told my husband about being molested, or the rapes or the abortion. I just cant bring myself to do that. I feel it would change the way that he loves me and he would not look at me like the strong person that I put up in my facade. Its like I am living a double life. For my co-workers and hubby I have to put on the facade that nothing is wrong, that everything is ok and I am a happy go lucky person. Whereas the real truth is that I feel so dead inside and that something is missing in my life. I cant even have a decent sleep because I am having nightmares of the brutal relationships that I have been in. During the day I am having flashbacks and seeing people who had been part of the rapes. And what makes me ill is the one man, sees me in a coffee shop that my husband and I go to, and he say heys hows it going how are you. Like he is my friend. I want to rip out his f***** heart for being part of the brutalness that he inflicted on me. At least my ex died of a drug overdose, so now I dont have to be beaten up or dont have to look over my shoulder anymore. Thanks for letting me vent, today is a bad day. I am feeling like I want to let my guard down and let everyone know that I am not this professional person in my office who has it all together. I am getting tired of feeling like I am two people. One for the world and my true self.

I know what you are going through and my thoughts and prayers are with you. When my dad died - its coming to the one year anniversary and I was not functioning at all. Could not remember anything, would drive to work and pass right by the place - did this alot - hubby did not want me driving. My doc put me on some meds that helped so much. And I am now talking to a therapist which really helps. If you can talk to someone I would do so. And dont rush the healing or the grieving. Give yourself time and take care of yourself. Get a massage or get your hair done. Make sure you eat and get fresh air. I went to the gym a couple times and took out my frustrations. Take care

I too have hateful siblings and I am not sure what I did if anything for them to treat me so bad. My sister has everything her heart desires rich husband who gives her anything and everything she wants, you think she would be happy. But he has to work 6 days a week and is never home to give her all she wants. Whereas my husband gives me love, support, and we do everything together and she told me once that she would like to have my life. I know that I am blessed with a caring and compassionate man. Yet sometimes she says oh but he is just a truck driver. Her husband is a executive in some big company. We don't get along. Can only be in a room together for about 30 minutes and then we are arguing. My one brother who took sides with my ex boyfriend who used to beat the crap out of me for years. One day I just up and left and found me a apartment. I left with the clothes on my back. And my brother would always tell my ex where I lived. So he would find me and physically assault me when I had left him. And my brother wonders why we dont talk or see each other. And when my dad died Feb. 08 he was on life support after he suffered a massive heart attack. They put him on life support until all the family was able to come see him and say goodbye. But yet my two brothers and mother would not sign the papers to take him off life support. The doctor said if we as a family are too selfish to let him go then he will make the decision for us. I knew in my heart that dad would not want to go on like this, so I signed the papers to let dad go. To this day my brothers and mother say that I killed dad. I tell them I am the only one that had compassion enough to let him go. So needless to say I dont have too much to do with them. They were being really mean to me so I did not attend the family viewing for dad or the memorial supper that we had for him after the service. And to this day, I am hurt that they were being so mean to me but more so that I did not attend the services. So on Feb.21 2009 my husband and I are going to do something special to honor my dad.

Dealing with the death of a loved on is not easy. I have just been through it and no one seems to understand. Not your own family or friends, my co workers were the worst. See my dad was 96 and to then they all said well his time was up or he lived a good life, and yes that is true he did live a good life but it does not make things any easier. I took one week off when dad died and even coming back to work I was not functioning. No one understood. They expected me to be over it in a week. Same thing with my husband he did not understand either. Its like the funeral is over and so is the mourning now get on with your life. But its not so easy. I had to take two more weeks off for stress leave and I asked my doctor for some medications to help my brain get back on track, and I was not a functioning person. And he put me in touch with a therapist who I have been seeing since June. Without my doctor and my therapist I would be in a big mess. My advice is take some time for you, Dont worry about your coworkers who dont understand. Get a doctors note and take some time off. They cant reprimand you for being ill with a doctors note. You have to take care of youreself before you can take care of anyone else. Good luck and take care

Laurenp I am so sorry for your loss and I feel your pain. I lost my dad in 2008 and even though he was 96 and sick we anticipated his death for months but it was not easy when he died. I was daddy's little girl too and I miss him so much. I am going to see a therapist to help me deal with the pain. My therapist told me to keep a journal of all the good times with Dad, and this has helped me greatly. He also told me to take a shirt of him, and when I am hurting to hold it and cuddle it, again this has helped me. And he told me to talk to my dad everyday and I do this. I say hey there Dad how are you I am thinking of you today, and talk to him like he was there with you. I do this all the time, and even though dad is gone, rememer you are a part of him. You will always have your dad in your heart. You are who you are because of your dad, and cherish those memories. For my dad's memorial coming up Feb. 21/09 he loved grain elevators. So I found this bottle of whisky in the shape of a grain elevator so I put some of dad's ashes in it, and I am going to put it in my backyard so that dad will always be with me. Think of something that means something to you and your dad and cherish these times together. You had to go through a healing grieving process. You will always miss your dad, but some days will be better than others. Now its almost been one year since dad has passed away I still cry when I think of it, but I turn these tears into happiness because I know he is not suffering anymore. And I think of all the good times that we had together and I play these memories over in my head as much as I need to in order to get better. You are in my thoughts and prayers. There are better days ahead for you Take care

Feb. 21 will be one year since I lost my dad. He was 96 and yes he had a great life and I got to spend much time with him.But when he died my whole world came crashing down. I was not functioning, not going to work. I started taking alcohol and any pills I could find to make the pain go away. This never helped. I went to my doctor one day and asked for help. I could not think, I could not remember things I was in pretty bad shape emotionally. He took the time to help me understand the grief process and he prescribed me some medications because I was so angry and I was not sleeping. My nerves were also shot. And he put me in touch with a counsellor who I have been seeing since June. This therapist has helped me so much to understand what I was going through. I really thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Yes it was so bad. Now I am feeling so much better. If you have problems functioning or sleeping or just gettting out of bed sometimes, go to your doctor. And if you need to speak to a therapist who will help you. My doctor and my therapist honestly saved my life. Good luck to you in your healing

I feel your pain I have been wondering why there is so much death and heartache and people losing their lives at such a young age. I believe in God but I wonder why he takes so many people. My co-worker just lost his wife in a car accident she was 23 her mother was driving and someone drove right into their car, on the wrong side of the highway. So tragic. It's fortunate that her mom and son aged 5 survived the crash. Another co-worker just had a tumor removed from his brain, and its cancer and its fast growing. The doctors gave him six months to live. He just had a grand daughter born the same time he was diagnosed. This is really hard to take he is only 52.

I miss my dad so much that I started talking to him everyday. I always asked him for advice on everyting. Even when he was into his 90's I would still ask him. He did give me one very good piece of advice and that was to keep the man that I am with happy and make a good life together. The first time he met my now hubby he said he is a loving and loyal man, and dad was so right. And he barely knew him, but dad said he speaks from his heart. I can still hear dad saying those words to me. Each day I take time to talk to dad and tell him about my life. I will never stop talking to dad.

I understand what you are going through. I want my dad back, this is going to be my first christmas without him and I am dreading the holidays. He loved everything about christmas. I can't even bring myself to even think about it. My advice is to remember the good times with your mom, and remember that she is part of you, and she is in your heart. My therapist gave me that advice and its great. He also told me to get a article of his clothing and keep it. I have done that, I have my dad's shirt and it has his scent on the shirt and I never want to forget that. Just looking at dads shirt sends me into tears. You are in my thoughts and prayers, stay strong. I know its easier said than done.

My dad passed away Feb. 21 after living a great long life. My mom and brother have decided to keep dad's ashes in their kitchen with all the dishes. They will not allow me to have them to give dad a decent burial. I am struggling with this. Dad was a member of his community and I believe he should have a burial plot in the cemetary so that people know that he lived that he existed. Or even take the ashes and spread them somewhere. It angers me and it hurts me over what they are doing. The last time I was home my brother put the ashes in my hand and said here do you want to hold dad. I started crying and I left. I don't understand how some people can be so cruel. My therapist said to get a marker with his name on it and put it in the cemetary but still his ashes won't be there. I am going to find someone who does the stepping stones - and put his name and date on it - and put it in my garden. Am I being unreasonable in wanting a proper burial for my dad. People have told me not to let it bother me, but it does.