kayatas

Thank you tattoodlb, I am sorry to hear of your pain as well. I do always think and hope knowing that my Dad is now in a better place and not in the pain he had to endure on this earth.... He was a very sick man having paranoid schizophrenia. Whom he witnessed his father kill his mother as a child again to do with alcohol and then his dad went to jail for 2 years or so as it was in self defense from her and then when he got out of jail my Dad was living with his dad again and then his dad had asked him to go to the store the one day and then when my dad returned with the bread and milk he found his father hung in the garage he killed himself and my dads brother he also commited suicide because his wife left him and would not let him see his boys and he was talking to his wife on the phone and pleaded with her to come back and let him see his sons but she denied and he said he will kill himself if she did not...she declined again....and then he shot himself on the phone with her....so overall my dad had the worst childhood ever...so I know why he was the way he was but, i still have the pain and the anger and resentment that no one can make go away and so many people I still love still do these same things and the drugs...my sister is still recovering from the use of speed meth and others......e and such and she is slowly getting her life together but it breaks my heart to think I might lose her too to the drugs and alcohol.........But days have been getting easier as time goes but the pain is still the same.......and my aunt I dont know if i can ever fogive her for what she done to us.....she has no idea the pain she has caused and the effects of her actions.......... I fiond the more I talk about it the easier the pain seems to be and i dont cry as much as before,. but there is so many days that I wish my fiance would understand what I am going thru but he doesnt and never will till you experience it yourself..... I will just have to grin and bear..... Your sister and you did not get along or no? and the police did they just call it overdose and no questions asked......that is so sad to hear. I am sorry for you........ I try my upmost hardest not to fall in the same pattern but sometimes it is too hard but I dont want this done to my loved ones......much love, kayatas

Well it has now been 2 years since the sudden death of my father my dad. I still have so many feelings of anger and resentment and pain and sorrow and uter confustion. I HATE the way i feel sometimes. Some days ae so good and others I will be having a normal day(however in my life normal is messed up) and out of no where I just shead tears uncontrollably and have memory relapses of that day at the hospital when the priest is reading Jah's prayer.....the memory freeze of him motionless, brain dead instantly and all of the cause ALCOHOL!!!!! how???? too much and can't handle he drank so much that night and on his way to the bar in the parking lot he fell and hit his head on the cement and was pronouced dead almost instantly. And yet he had just told me 2 wks prior he was not drinking as much and we were suppose to meet after not seeing each other for like 5 years.......and this happens....i was crushed. and to top of the crappy feeling cake... I had my dad ashes at the funeral home and I went to pick out urns and have my dads ashes given to me. But, they were gone and I found out my dads sister my aunt had taken them and did not tell anyone of her motives. then I called and called and called her repetatley with no reply and then months later I get an envelope in the mail entailing a funeral burial service sayings typed out and pictures and the pictures was my dads temp urn and a grave stone....she burried him I have so much hate right now....anger beyond she stole my dads remains and then burries them without concent and does not even tell anyone till its been said and done.......I do not know how to react anymore,,,,I miss him terribly and I just want to pick up the phone so often and call him but I cant and never will be able to.........help I am falling deep into despair

Dear Anna, I feel soooo much your pain and sorrow. I think you were very brave to put all the weight on your back. Taking care of someone who is not well is hard but when it's someone you love and care about this is so much harder. No one will understand your pain as this is your pain, your feelings, your sorrow. I know it can hurt so bad when no one understands or feels you should feel a certain way. But the problem is them. I know myself, my Dad I lost in 2003 in Febuary on the 1st of that month. I am feeling it really bad right now especially with the 2 year mark comming up. But I feel the same way. I have so much pain and unsolved issues that I'm going thru. My family doesn't understand either but that is because I had a different experience with my Dad then them. Everyone reacts differently and will express in differnet ways. This is what makes us human but being human our feeling are vunerable expecially when we are going thru something like this. I would like to tell you of something I recently went thru that really really hurt my feelings. I have ben doing a lot of research trying to get information about my Dad as we never really had a close relationship. And I had come across some pictures and some names of relatives and such and I had told my boyfriend and showed him. But he did not want to see and didn't want to hear. This really hurt my feelings as I feel this is important as it is important to me. But he does not I felt if he loves me anything I find important should be just as important to him. But this is not the case. I had my Sister and my Mom come to my place for Christmas dinner and I was starting to show my Sister what I found. My boyfriend was standing there as well. But my sister she looks at my boyfriend and says "I dont know why she does this, she is like obsessed with the ----family." This really beyond hurt me. If anyone was going to understand it would be my sister but no she had to inforce the way he thinks. I never said anything but just put my papers away. I didn't say anything. I learned soemtimes to say nothing is best. Then about a week later I told my sister what she done and how she made me feel. She felt so bad and apoligized repeaditly. It felt good to tell her and it felt good when I knew that she didn't mean to hurt my feelings. So my point is tell him. Maybe he doesn't understand because you have not made him understand how you feel. I mean feel right now not when I happened. But I can say yuor feelings are valid and my mom she helps me get through this with my dad as she lost her mother when she was 9 and that was like over 35 years ago. And she still cries and has outbursts and happy moments too. But she does say it will get easier but it will never go away. "my Mom's most famous line is" "God will never give you more than you can handle, and everything has a lesson to be leaned and a moment to think. Im not saying you should just except it but, love it and learn with it. Maybe, someone close to you will go through what you have and you can help them through it as you will have experienced it. Everything happens for a reason and a cause we might not understand why or when but this is true. Bless you and stay strong as you are a very strong woman and youre mom would be very proud of you. As look you have went through what youre mom went through and now even more and your still here. You have a purpose and a cause. "Yesterday is history; tomorrow a mystery. Today is a gift; that's why we call it 'the present'." Much Love, Kayatas

Thank you sooooo much Marty. Your reply has touched my soul. I just did not know if my feeling would be valid or not. And there is so much more to this mess of a story of my life and everything just keeps adding on. Im always down on one knee and someone always manages to knick the other one out. But I always manage to get back up on that one knee again. Like my mom always said youre never given more than you can handle but why sooo much I dont understand the messages of my life But I want to thank you for your inspiring words Much love Kayatas

Well what to say, Im new to this board as of today. And I am just comming to grips the fact that my dad is really gone. As of the 1st of February, 2005. He will have been decesed for 2 years. I still cannot beleive that it has been 2 years. It was just like yeasterday I got the phone call that changed my life foever. Me and my dad were never really close. My ma and him divorced when I was about 4 years of age. Due to the physical abuse to my ma, she had left him. My dad was a very sick man with schizophrenia. He had a very tramatic childhood which left him in a dream world 24/7 due to his ordeal. I have forgiven him for what he has done to me and my ma in the past as he was sick and could not control his actions or words. Throughout my childhood I meet with my dad maybe 5 times and this alone kills my heart. My dad never excepted me as his child he only excepted my older sister. We have had our good days and bad. And well just before my dad was taken from me. I had not spoken to him for about 5 years. And he had changed his phone number and had it unlisted. I got a hold of his girlfriend at the time and asked if she had it as I was going through some really hard times emotinaly and I wanted to rekindle our relashionship. His girlfriend would not give me the number, she was afraid he would beat her if he found out. So I left well enough alone. Well about mid January in 2002 I got this really stange overwhelming feeling come over me. I knew in my soul, call the phone directory I told myself and request my dad's first and last name. I knew the city he lived in as the police had confirmed that with me but would not tell me where. And when I called the phone directory and gave them the details I had, the lady replied to me. The --------at ---------and she gave an address. I said yes! give me that number please. I got the phone number and I was so nervous but I dialed it. My Dad, he answered the phone and I knew it was him. I said Patrick? he said yes who is this. I said my nickname he says who? I said my nickname again. He says who? I said its your daughter. He than says my full given name. He was soooooo surprized to hear my voice....as well as I. He started to tell me how he was just looking at his Christmas tree and was thinking bout me and my sister. He said he was going to leave his xmas tree up all year long because it made him happy. He told me that he was doing much better, was not drinking as much and did not have to take as much med's(for his mental illness) he was feeling really good. I had told him that I graduated from Collage now, I was driving now, I was living with the man that I want to marry. And I was so happy with my life at that time. That my sister's baby(his grandaughter) was now 4 years old and getting really big( he had never met, held, or even seen a photo of his first and only grandchild) He was so interested in talking with me, when before because of his illness you could not even hold a 10 miniute conversation with him without him just start talking bout something else. My half brother was over there, so my dad asked me if I wanted to talk to him, so I did for a little while. Then my Dad came back on the phone. I told him where I was living and working and he says' becareful driving to work on that road, especially in the winter "that's the dead man's curve" This was the only parental guidence/warning/anything my Dad has ever told me. I will rember that for the rest of my life. I could tell he was starting to get restless on the other end. then says so how did you get my number? I told him the phone directory gave it to me. He says but it is an unlisted number, are you sure? I told him yeah I'm definetly sure. I almost fell off my chair when the gave me the number. Well he says here is my address and buzzer number. He gave it to me. Then he says " I want you to come over some time soon as I really need to talk to you about something." I asked him what "tell me on the phone" as I hate when someone puts me in suspense, I just hate the way it makes me feel. He says "I cant tell you, I have to see you, come by yourself I really need to see you and talk" I said sure Dad I'll come over. Well I called him about 3 times after we spoke and no one ever answered so I never went as I was secured entry and I did not want to drive there and no one be home. Well it's now February, 2002 and its February 1st I felt really strange this day, something was just wrong. I'm one who moves on my vibes and nothing but. That day my vibes were really bad. I remember driving to work that morning and calling my mom, my fiance, my sister just to be sure evryone was alright. Everyone was fine. I even made my fiance call his mom to be sure she was good. Everyone was fine. Had a parcular day at work that day but went home that evening. I had xmas staff party to attend that night. So I go outside to start my car, and I'm in Canada it suppose to be snowing this time of year and well I could not see my hand in front of my face that night I was so foggy. So I come back in my house and told my fiance I'm going to go up the road and see if it gets any better. I will be back in 5 minutes if its really bad or I'll be back later tonight if it good. Well I was back in less than 5 minutes. It was terrible that evening. I get back in my house and sit for about 45 minutes. Then the phone rings. It's my sister. She tells me I have to get to town right away to the hospital. I asked her why? whats wrong? she says its dad and its not good hurry up and get here. So off I went. And the fog was completly gone now (only about an hour after I tried to leave earlier) This was the beginning of the worst day of my life. I got to the hospital and he was already gone. My dad's - ex girlfreind was not even planning on calling us( my dads first 2 kids from my ma and his marriage) then he had two kids with the girlfreid who was his ex gf at about 2 years prior to his death. The only reason they called us was because we were his legal next of Kin and without our consent they could not take him off life support. So they decided they were going to include us on MY DADS DEATH. Cause of death: bad fall ie: was drunk and trying to make it to last call. he fell and that was the end of his pain forever. One thing I can say to anyone and everyone reading this . If you drink or think you might not be able to control yourself if you start. Please, please, please I begg you all Please put down the bottle. Dont cause this pain upon you family dont let alcohol end your valuable life and take you away from the people that love you. Please dont drink Never mind drinking and driving dont even walk and drink. Alcohol has had control over many aspects of my life for a long time and its a chain reation the effects acholisim does to your life and the people around you. it is a viscous circle that has to be stopped. I use to drink because that's all I know. But know I cant even imagine allowing myself to feel the effects of alcohol I hate it I absolutly HATE IT!!!!! My step dad still drinks and heavely and one day Ill probley lose him to it too. PLEASE DONT DRINK IT TOOK MY DAD"S LIFE. ONE BAD FALL THAT HE DID NOT GET UP FROM INSTANT NUEROLOGICAL DEATH. One postive thing that has come from all of this is that me and my sister wanted to donate his organs I can proudly say MY DAD SAVED SOMEONES LIFE WITH THE EXPENSE OF HIS OWN! An Angel received his heart to beat more strong An Angel received his lungs to breath once again An Angel received his liver to have clean blood An Angel received his Corneas to have sight once more I am so proud of him! Four different people's lives changed forever because of our choice. One thing I found out to is that the recipents of organ donation are usually so far on the list that then have been given notice to about 6 months to live. And to receive an organ match by the grace of God to have a strong healthy life once more. I am however so confused ON MY EMOTIONS I probley within the last 6 months jsut come to grips that he is really gone. I wonder so deeply and I search within my soul so deep and nothing, I need to know what he wanted to tell me. I feel so heart broken and lost . I was just about to have a chance to have a normal relashionship for the first time in my life and it is all taken away again. Sometimes I feel so mad and angry at him, other times I feel so sad for his pain, other times I do not know what I feel but pure confusion. Is it normal to feel this way after 3 years? I feel like I am just starting to mourn for his death now and because he passed so long ago I feel as if maybe my feelings are not valid. Sometimes I think of times that we did have together or the shape of his hand and it floods me with tears I feel like I am choking and cannot swallow or breath. And other days I do not even think at all. I feel so left out and hurt. I need some answers I need to rest my heart and the pain seeping out of my soul. The Christmas tree was still up and the angel was a St'Patty Day hat "my dads day". No one uderstands my pain. Anyone that I have personally confided in has told me, "but you did not even really know him". What they do not realize is this hurts even more because I will never know him know and they are just putting salt in my wounds. Please help me. Lost and Alone Kayatas