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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

jeansheridan

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  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Kaiser, CA
  1. Thanks Button! I just found the forums again. I thought they had disappeared (and usually I'm so techie! Weird I couldn't find them). I find I'm getting angrier and angrier. I live with my sister in my mother's house and I get angry every time she makes a change. Like having her ex-boyfriend practically move in. I'm furious with her. And I don't want to be mad because she's my last living relative. She's it. Without her I have no family. And it's scary being mad at her. So I'm moving. And I'm angry that I have to move. I'm just angry period. Crying and angry. Getting over other deaths was a lot easier than this. I almost wish I were in school. Work isn't distracting enough.
  2. It's been 29 days and my damn routines aren't working any more. I've gone through death before, but losing my mother is the worst because that's it. All the old family routines are gone except for feeding and walking the dogs. I'm wearing out my friends too. I can feel their frustration and helplessness. They're going to start avoiding me soon unless I control myself. I mentioned my mother at a group dinner and it was like I ripped a fart or something. Everyone froze. I like what riverbear said. I was one thing before. I was a daughter. A very much loved and spoiled daughter. The family baby. Now I'm nothing. Just a 35 year old woman who suddenly owns a house she didn't earn. I'm suddenly in a financial parternship with a sister whom I love but don't always trust (which is a weird dynamic, but there it is). And yeah, part of me wants to die just so I can see if I will see mom again. Because I don't have much hope right now. I'm a Catholic without much hope. Which sucks. Sorry. It's Tuesday morning and life sucks right now. Sucks, sucks, sucks. Aren't I a mature one, eh? Wow, I actually feel calmer. But will it last?
  3. Button, were you her caregiver? Because it's hard to give up that role.
  4. Anna, my mother died of COPD too. January 3 this year. And she wanted to die at home with her dogs (her favorite was at her feet, although mom probably didn't know it). Letting her die was the hardest thing in the world. I lived with her my entire life, but she was only seriously ill for the last four years. Were you able to say everything you needed to her? That's the only good thing about COPD. You get some time to prepare. Otherwise it is a horrible way to die. I feel lost too, although work is helping. I find that routines help. I don't get why other people try to rush us. I guess they're uncomfortable with death. Well, tough! I'm not letting them rush me. And don't let your husband rush you. If you can't be selfish right now, when can you be? I do try to spread my grief around a bit. I don't call the same friend crying every day. Each of my friends gets hit about once a week. And if people ask me how I'm doing at work, I'm blunt. It sucks, I say. And that makes me feel good. When my older sister died and I called one of my best friends and told her the first thing out of her mouth was, "That sucks!" I still remember it. It wasn't especially "mature" or articulate, but really captured how I felt. Death sucks. Loss sucks. It sucks energy out of us. The good thing, it will get better. Because our moms would want us to be happy, right? And you can have the wonderful satisfaction of knowing you helped her leave this world surrounded by love and attention. So many people die alone or in fear. She died with you by her side. That was a lovely gift you gave to her. You time and attention and love. Be proud of yourself.
  5. Thanks Marty, although I wasn't really all that concerned about it. I've been through this before. I've just never been this alone before. Which is why I am here. Friends are great, but you can't burn them out. To be honest, I don't want advice. I just want to rant a bit in a controlled setting.
  6. Hi chocHollyK. Yeah, this site is pretty good. And easy to use. Don't feel bad about taking a long time to recover. Everyone has a different time-table. My dad died in 1983 and sometimes I still cry over him (for some reason the movie Hope Floats just killed me when I saw it. When she dances with her father). Did you take care of your parents? Because that means you've lost your role as caregiver too. Which initially sucks, but maybe you can start thinking about your options. You have a chance to do something different now. And really, wouldn't our parents want us to thrive? That's why they had us.
  7. Right now, I'm in the angry period. I'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts. I'm rarely angry in "real" life. Frustrated, yes, really angry, no. I almost wish I felt the freedom to do something wild, but I find myself sticking to my routines. I've always done this after a death in the family. My father, older sister, great aunts, and mother (Jan 3) have all died. Fortunately I had a few years between each to cope and absorb. But I have found that routines help. Going through the motions eventually helps. I'm not advising anyone (no way!), but just saying what worked for me. This time though I feel very alone. I only have one sister left. That's it. We've gone from five to two. No children, no spouses. Shrinking. Our branch of the family tree has shriveled up and died. Natural selection is doing its thing.
  8. Well, at my mom's funeral home, they give you a fully cooked turkey when you leave! Heh. I'm a vegetarian, but it was nice gesture. I don't wish for much from other people, actually. I don't expect understanding. People are busy and going on with their lives. But I did get these lovely words of wisdom from a 25ish year old nurse at the hospital. I had been in the hosptial with my dying mother for about 12 hours. I was kind of numb when this girl comes in to take mom's vitals. She looks at me and says, "Are you married?" Nope. "Oh, you should be. It would make this easier." Which is probably true. Being married with kids would probably distract me. And when you have kids you simply must function because that's your role in the universe, to care for them. But I did want to shake her. Or tell her to get a [profanity] clue.
  9. Oh bigone, I know how you feel. My mom just died on January 4th. I spent New Year's in the hospital with her. She fought to get through Christmas and managed it. She was 69 which isn't a short life (my father died at 52), but it feels too short to me. And she had such a young mind. I feel kind of numb still. I work with the public, so I have to be highly functioning. I smile and nod and then go home and do my routine. But I keep thinking, what is the point. I was a daughter and now I'm not. I had someone who loved me unconditionally and now I don't. But I do know that she isn't suffering any more (she had emphysema which is a horrible way to die). And that she chose to die when she did. She insisted on no medical intervention and got to die at home with her dogs at her feet. I take some satisfaction in knowing I helped her die well. And that she was never lonely or trapped in her home. She lived and died with dignity. Not everyone gets that.
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