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dkroeze

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  1. Hi Everyone. I'm new to this board. I've been trying to deal with my grief by myself, but it's obviously not working. I've been constantly nauseous since my Grandmother died November 28th, 2004. I've had blood tests, ultrasounds, etc. and there's nothing "physically" wrong with me... but the nausea persists. I almost feel guilty being so sad. My Grandma was 88 years old, she lived a full life, but I miss her terribly. My Grandmother and I were unbelievably close. She was more like my mother than my Grandma. She actually saved me from a crazy, emotionally abusive mother. I was a terribly difficult teenager and young adult and I know I caused her a lot of heartache. When I ran through the goodwill and patience of my father, she was always there to love me and support me, often financially even though she couldn't really afford it. As I matured and had a family of my own, I obsessed on proving to her how much I love and appreciate her. The only quilt I ever made, I made for her. As she was getting less able to care for herself, I asked her to move in with me and my family. She accepted (much to my surprise) and sold her house of 35 years in Florida and made the long trip NW, all the way to Oregon, to live with me, my husband, and two kids. She arrived in August of 2004. I took the best care of her I could. I made sure she took her pills every morning and night, I made her breakfast, lunch, and dinner, tucked her in at night, helped her get dressed, etc. On November 3rd (my birthday) she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Leukemia. It was a total shock. We had no idea she had cancer, we attributed her sleepiness and aches to age. We were given a ballpark figure of 2 - 4 years for her to live. She thought 2 more years was OK. Then, on November 25th... we were told at a routine Dr. appt. that her Leukemia had morphed into a much more aggressive form of the disease and we were looking at maybe a year. She was obviously shaken. When we got home she said to me "I'm kidding myself, I'm not ready to go yet". We had Thanksgiving together, the next day she was uncharacteristically weak. The paramedics came and took her to the hospital, my father & I spent all day Friday, he spent the night with her. We held her while they cut under her clavicle to install an arterial line for meds. We spent all day Saturday, my aunt flew in and spent the night with her. She died Sunday afternoon. Even though I'm very near 40, I curled up in her hospital bed with her and laid my head on her shoulder and held her while she died. My father was stroking her face and my aunt was holding her hand. We were all telling her how much we love and appreciate her. I miss her so much. She was an incredible woman who's beautiful sculptures grace my home and remind me of her everyday. I have a collection of pictures framed on the wall of her hugging me from babyhood all the way to this year. When will the nausea go away? When will the hole in my heart heal? Thanks for reading and responding. Dustin
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