Sandy

Shelley I'm so sorry, I realy thought you were maybe a teen or in your 20's. That's what I get for butting in without doing my research. That puts a whole different spin on the subject. I'm sure you are feeling as if your whole world has been turned around. Maybe you should think of your situation as a new begining for you. Very scary thought I'm sure. But a little exciting also. Best of luck to you. I believe you will come out on top. Sandy

Shelly I don't visit this sight much any more. Today I was just bored, or avoiding my household chores, or whatever. Anyway I came accross your post and you remind me a little of myself when I was younger. I was the baby and my siblings always treated me like I had the plauge. I was so shy. I used to get so hurt when they did things and didn't include me. Even when I was old enough to do them. My dad would say that it was because I didn't let them know that I was interested. My feeling was, that they should ask me. Now I'm 43 and they still do this to me. I think it is something they get used to as kids. I was the one they had to watch when they went swimming or on other outings. They dreaded taking me with them because it ment to much resposability and to little fun. It just hasn't accured to them that I can take care of myself now. I brought this up a couple of years ago to my brother. He now treats me as an equal. When you saw your sister's family serving her breakfast you should have ducked your head in and wished her a happy birthday. I would be willing to bet that they are feeling just as awkward around you, as you do around them. They don't know you very well and you probably havn't given them much of a chance to get to know you. I would guess that they are just trying to give you some space, especially since you are grieving. When people don't know what to say, they usually say nothing. Get to know your brother inlaw and even your sister a little better. Ask them things about their lives or their work. You may find something you have in common to talk about. Once you've gotten comfortable with your family you will find it easier to talk to other people. I hope you don't think I'm intruding. My daughter says I come off very mean and rude when I write. I'm realy not that way. I wasn't trying to make you feel as if it was all your falt. I just know, that in my case, some of it was my own fear of rejection that kept me from getting what I wanted from people the most. Friendship and understanding. Best of luck Sandy

This is the first time I have replied to a post for quite a while. It isn't the same as it used to be. I hope I don't mess this up. The reason I am writting is to tell you about a young man that I know of. He met the girl of his dreams while in the army. They married, and bought a house in his home town in Indiana. He had not yet been discharged from the service, so she moved into there new home and began setting up house. I don't know all of the details, but she was driving along a country road near their new home and she lost control. She did not die instantly. A stranger who had witnessed the accident called for help. He then held her hand as she died. When I saw your post I remembered that her husband had written something about the stranger in her guest book on Legacy.com. I looked it up and I coppied a small part of it for you. Here it is: JEN, I ALSO TRUELY BELEIVE THAT YOU SENT JACK OVER TO TELL US THAT YOU WERE NOT ALONE ON THAT DAY. IT BROUGHT ME SO MUCH COMFORT KNOWING THAT. HE GAVE ME HIS NAME AND NUMBER AND I WILL BE CONTACTING HIM SO WE CAN TALK AND BECOME FRIENDS. I hope this helps. You truly are an angel. I hope you are doing well. It must have been a nightmare for both of you.

Jenny If I didn't know better I would have thought I was reading my own story. My dad passed away almost 2 years ago. All three of my daughters took it very hard. Their real dad isn't a very loving man. My dad was more of a father to them than he has ever been. I did my best to help my youngest(now 12) and oldest(now 20). The middle daughter(now 17) prefured to talk with her best friend. She was wonderful. She stayed with her durring the showings and funeral. They were more like sisters than friends. Unfortunately 8 months latter, the best friend who was at her side for my dad's funeral, died. She had a severe athsma attack in the middle of the night. She couldn't or didn't get her parents up in time. 8 months latter,a boy my daughter knew, hung himself. One week latter,a good friend of hers phoned. She was hysterical. She walked into her house to find that her younger sister had hung herself. Since then, there has been the drug overdose of a boy she didn't know well,but had seen around. They had some mutual friends. Also, a boy from the same group of kids died, but we never heard what he died of. It is to much for anyone to take, let alone a kid. She should be making lasting, wonderful, high school memories. Instead, she now hates school. She had planned to go to college. She got A's and B's and was in the honors program in middle school. Now, she just wants to get her diploma as soon as posible and get a job. She rarely talks about college. I want my bubbley girl back. It just breaks my heart to see her giving up like this. But I know she can never be the same again. I'll never be the same again. My dad's death changed me. You just don't ever realy think your parents will leave you. The death of my daughters friend killed what ever spirit I had left. If anyone deserved to live a full life, it was her. She was a beautiful girl. Both inside and out. But I would feel better if my daughter didn't have to hurt so much.I just don't know what we can do that we havn't already done. My daughter and I talked about counceling, but she realy has a great suport group. The day of her friends death, our house was packed full of kids. Most of them are still there for her. I've always let her talk any time she needs to, and the school councelor has been wonderful. She can drop in on him any time and he is there for her. We talked about anti-depresants at one point. After thinking it over she decided she didn't want them. A couple of her friends are taking them and she said she didn't think they were actually dealing with there problems. Sorry I can't be of more help. I plan to keep up with this thread though. I'd like to see what others have to say. Lets hope time realy does heal all wounds. Sandy

Katie I'm not a teen, and I don't read the posts from here often. But I check in from time to time. I've been trying to get my daughter and her friends to use this forum. I just check to see if any have tried it yet. Unfortunatly, most of them seem to want to suffer in scilence. Anyway, I read your post and I see you havn't had any response. I doubt that to many people your age, or mine(42)for that matter, are hospice volunteers. I think what your doing is wonderful. I know how hard it must be. You volunteer to get close to someone who you know you will not live... You must be an angel on earth. The hospice women who took care of my dad were wonderful. They were visibly upset when he died. They attended his showing, not only to help my mom and us, but because they truly cared about him. You people are my heros! Sandy

I am not a teen. Infact, I have teenage daughters. So I hope you don't mind me being here. I just thought this story might help you out. When my oldest daughter was born, I still lived at home with my parents. Her dad and I weren't married until she was 2. He was never a very good father to her even after we married. So she was always very close to my dad. She always struggled in school. In high school, she was held back a year. My dad worried so much about her. When he was diagnosed with cancer, she was a senior, and in danger of failling. She decided to buckle down hard and get her diploma before it was to late for him to see her graduate. When he died three months before graduation, I thought she would give up. She didn't. She wanted to make him proud. I know he was there with her at graduation. He wouldn't have missed it. She is starting college next semester. Don't give up. The best tribute you can give your grandpa, is to be your best. He would hate it if he was the reason you gave up. Make him proud! Sandy

Karen My family and I have had a rough couple of years as well. My dad passed away Feb. 2,2004, from colon cancer. A friend from work died a couple of months later, also cancer. 9 months after my father's death, my daughters best friend died from a severe athsma attack. She was only 16. 8 months later, the same daughter, lost another friend (a 19 year old boy she went to school with) to suicide. One week after that, another of her friend's sister killed herself. She was 15. 3 months later, the same girl lost her half brother in an auto accident ( he was 18). It just seems that it won't stop. I didn't morn my dad properly eather. Like you, I was afraid to face it. Then when my daughter's friend died, I lost it. I couldn't look at my daughter without falling apart. I still cry a lot. But then, we are only a few days from the 1'st aniversery of her death. I hope it gets easier as we go. Anyway, I don't know if I can say anything that will help. Just know, that you're not alone. You've actually done something very theraputic for yourself. You came here. It realy does help to talk. Sandy

Hi! I came to this group to find help for my daughter and her friends. My daughter's best friend passed away, sudenly, last November. I had a hard time finding a sight where teens could talk to other teens. Anyway, as it turned out I needed help with this death as well. I didn't think I had the right to grieve her this much. She wasn't my daughter. But I realy loved that little girl. She was so good for my daughter, and my family. She always made us laugh. She and my daughter were inseperable. She was at our house, or our daughter was at theres. When they couldn't be together, they talked on the phone. I guess you get it. She was like a daughter to us for 4 years and I miss her. But there is no group for mothers of best friends. So I come here, and read, and ocasionaly I reply to some one in a similar situation. So you see, you belong more than I do, in a way. Unfortunately we all belong, we are all grieving, and we shouldn't have to do that alone. I would be every bit as grief stricken as you are, if my sister's son was taken from us. My sister and her son lived with us for his first nine months, when I was 16. I know that bond you feel. I'm now taking care of my 20 year old daughter's, daughter. They (our daughter and grand daughter) live with myself, my husband, and our two younger daughters. She has 4 mommy's. We would all be devistated without her. Best wishes in your (grief) journey. It's a long, tough, road, but I hope it will make you stronger. Sandy

I'm more of a reader than a writter. I feel a little strange, and a bit guilty, when I talk about my grief. My dad passed away Feb. 2,2004. On Nov. 15,2004,my daughter's best friend died sudenly from an athsma attack. She had just turned 16, and I considered her part of the family. She and our daughter were allways together.In June of this year, the same daughter, suffered another loss. Another friend, took his own life. I didn't know this boy, but it was very painfull for her and her friends. One week later one of her friend's 15 year old sister, took her life. I did know her, although, only in passing. I know the older sister of course, and was just getting to know her family a bit better. So I am grieving. But not the way my mother is grieving for my dad, or my daughter for her friend, or the families of those kids. So I feel guilty. I mourned my father, until we said goodbye to our 16 year old friend. I felt very guilty about that also. He was 78 and got to live a full life. Now I realize that I was just putting that grief on hold while I came to grips with the other deaths. The brain can't take all of this stress at once. So I think we prioritise. Now, I find myself crying because of a song from my childhood, or at my nephue's wedding. I feel sad every time I see my daughter strugeling to get her life back to normal. I know she will never be the same again. I went through the same emotions you are going through. I wanted to keep my kids close to me and protect them. I knew I couldn't do that, and I forced myself to let them go with there friends. That has passed for the most part. I still have to fight the erge on ocasion, but it's easier now. However, I tell them I love them more than I used to. I wish I had advise for you about sleep. I still have nights when I toss and turn. I do my best thinking, when I should be sleeping. I only do this about twice a month though. It was nightly, after my dad passed and after my daughter's friend's death. The only advise I can offer you is that we do have the right to grieve for these people even if we weren't as close to them as others. My husband actually told me I had no right to cry, because she wasn't our daughter. She was a big part of our lives, and I miss her. I caught him with a tear in his eyes more than once. I'm sure he would deny that. Best of luck to you. Sandy

Missy I realy feel strange responding to a post in this forum. I've never lost a child of my own, so I won't pretend to know what you are going through. I realy don't have a place to post. My daughter's best friend of four years, passed away in November,2004 from an athsma attack. She wasn't my daughter, but her death has been very hard for me to accept. My husband and I loved that girl almost as much as our own girls. Your post here touched me, and I just thought I had to respond. Erica had just turned 16. The night before she died, she and my daughter had gone to the mall to look for the dresses they were going to buy for their semi formal dance. They had both just started working, and they were saving for the dresses. The kids at her school collected money to buy the dress she had picked out. They wanted to give it to her mother, in hopes that she would burry her in it. After discussing it with her mother's friend and sister, they decided to just give her the money. I don't think they even told her about the dress. She used the money (over $500.00) to have her daughters picture put on her stone. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can find some comfort from posting and reading here. I'm certain your family greated Angelica with open arms. I can't imagine any child going to heaven without being greated with loving arms from everyone there. Sandy

Marty T Thanks! I've been to a few of these sights, but you've given me a few that I havn't seen. It's harder for me to see these kids in so much pain, than it was to deal with the death of my own dad. This was a girl so loved by everyone that knew her. There must have been 200 teens at her funeral. Many were boys. Boys fell in love with her the moment they met her. Yet, the girls felt like a sister to her. Any resourse I find to ease their pain, if only a little, is apriciated. Sandy

This is the only sight, I have seen, that caters to the needs of every persons grief. It's the only one I found that has a group for teens. Yet, there arn't many active members. I searched for four months to find a place for my daughter and her friends to talk to others about the loss of their friend. Only one of her friends posted. He hasn't gotten any response. Not enough people know about this sight. I'm not sure what should be done about it. Maybe you could link to some teen sights. I'm not very internet savy. I don't know what can and can't be done. Sandy

I wonder if your friend did griev for her brother, but didn't think you could understand how she felt. She may have kept it from you. Now that you have lost a sibling, she can finally talk to some one who knows her pain. I wonder if she had any support after her brother's death. That's what makes these forums so great. You can talk to people who have been in your shoes and truly understand your grief. I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't be responding on this forum. I havn't lost a sbling. I read your post and it reminded me a little of my husband and myself. He lost his father at 15. I lost my dad last year, at 40. He said I was lucky to have had my dad for 40 years. I felt he was very insensative. He tried to be suportive, but I think he was a little jealous that I had my dad for so long and he didn't realy get to know his. He didn't have anyone to talk to when his dad passed away. His friends had never expieienced a loss like that. There was no internet, or support groups then. I think you should talk to your friend. This might be the first chance she has had to unload. Maybe that is why she didn't give you a chance to talk. Just a thought! I hope I didn't speak out of place. The forums I belong on have been pretty inactive, so I started reading some of the others. Pretty pathetic hu? I guess I should go and do something constructive. Sandy

Sam I know what you are feeling. I was in your shoes about a year ago. Let me explain my story a little. I've been reading the posts hear for a few days now, but I have never posted. Thats not realy true. I posted on the teen sight. I found this web sight while serching for a group that my teen age daughter could join. My dad passed away Feb. 2, 2004. I had joined a grieving group,(not this one) when we found out he was terminally ill. The group has been such a comfort for me. So, when my daughter lost her best friend in November, I decided to seek out a group for her. Let me just tell you a few things I've learned in the past year. You will never be "normal" again. You will be allright, but not your old self. Your life has changed. You will learn how to live without your dad. You will allways miss him, but time does make it better. I think I've lost some of my inosence. I guess alot of that came from losing my daughter's friend though. When you see a 15 year old's funeral, it definately changes your views on life. Another thing I've learned, is that it helps to talk about your feelings. Most people,(especially those who haven't been through a loss) will tire of hearing about your loss. Thats where a group like this comes in handy. The most amazing thing I learned, was that I was normal. Grief can make you confused, grouchy, angry, and have any/every other emotion. Just take your time. You knew this man your whole life. You can't expect to get over him in a hurry. It can take months or more to start feeling like living again. Until then, take extra good care of yourself. Sandy

I've been searching for a forum like this since last November. My daughter lost her best friend, sudenly, from an athsma attack. I had found a great deal of comfort writting to, and reading from, a forum like this, after my father passed away. I wanted her to have a place where she could talk to others who were in the same situation. After reading the posts to her friends guest book on legacy.com, I realized how much pain all of the other kids in her school were in. I had given up hope of finding anything for them. Yestarday, my nephew lost 2 of his friends in an auto accident. Another high school full of kids are in need of a place to talk out their feelings. I had decided to look one more time. I'm so glad I found you! I will pass the address along to my daughter and nephew. Hopefully they will pass it along to there friends. Then I will leave you all alone to talk to each other. Thanks for being here.