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Nikki

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  1. The grief i experienced from my boyfriends death almost killed me. He comitted suicide 5 years ago. I found him and it is a vision i will never fully forget. I was in shock and most people either did not know what to say so they said nothing or people would make really off comments that made me feel worse. I have/had a lot of trouble being so upset(crying, outburst,no energy, feelings of guilt)in front of people so i began to isolate myself. I did find this site and another one that was helpful, I went to the Dr and was put on antideppresants also, I went to a grief counselor, it was not helpful I would end up going, telling them what I thought they wanted to hear-"Im feeling better" "yeah i have a great support system" blah blah blah. I was crying myself to sleep every night, abusing my antianxiety meds and basically waiting, praying and wishing i was dead, not to be with him but I kept thinking i just cant take this pain everyday all day every second. I felt like my arm had been cut off-gushing out blood and no one had any pain meds that could help, just had to deal with it. The pain was crushing, actually felt like i had a whole in my chest. My mom actually found me on the couch- I stayed with her because he shot himself in our apt. I had drugged myself so much i was drooling and could not move. That scared me enough to realize i really didn't want to die, I continued to go to counseling telling them what i thought they wanted to hear. The point of all this blabbering i am doing is, I do think your feeling are "normal" but it was not until i started being honest with myself and others, talking to whoever would listen, even though i was uncomfortable and hate crying in front of others, went to group therapy-which helped a lot -being with others that knew how i felt(thank god for that group) i believe that was the most helpful for me and it saved my life-I did have a hard time finding a counselor i really connected with so you may have to push yourself to try a few. Try not to spend too much time alone. And trust people when they say-The pain never goes completely away but take it from me it does get softer and life is enjoyable again. Peace and love nikki
  2. I am so sorry for your loss. I did not lose a sibling but your subject matter caught my attention. I lost my best friend and love on Jan 13, 2005. Its been 5 years but somedays still stink and i come here and read, listen, and try to help -if thats possible. My love died of a self inflicted gunshot wound to his head, he was an addict/alcoholic and i had terrible guilt-he was a kind sweet sensitive person but the disease had him and wouldnt let go. I had just about given up and told him the day prior to him shooting hemself i could not stand and watch him die-by alcohol and drugs right in front of me and i was going to leave. We were together 9 years-the first 7 were the best years of my life-the last two he had been in rehab twice, lost his job suffered terrible depression -it was the hardest decision i had ever made and I felt awful for that-maybe the way you felt about not spending enough time with your brother, but its ok -its ok that you wanted to remove yourself from him-its natural-no matter how much you love someone, its ok to do something or look out for yourself. I grew up in a very very co-dependent family, and i think that is where i learned to put myself last-as long as i took care of everyone else-everything would be ok, and what ever was left for me would be enough-as far as your mom-that is tough-i am still pretty much my motheres only confidant and i sometime still feel like i am responsible for her happiness, but i also think i do that so i dont have to deal with my own feelings-but that is a whole nother post/subject/therapy session-and probably does not apply to you. Be supportive, but dont let it slow your process or change your day, enjoy life-is there anyone else in your family that can suggest she go out, maybe take her out, and dare i say it-would anyone suggest therapy for her?
  3. Dear Deb, I am so sorry for your loss-I found this site in 2005-my dear sweet funny partner Joe died of a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head, but i feel in my heart it was due to the fact that he was an alcholic-by the time he died it had a hold on him -he tried several times to stop drinking on his own-rehab was so expensive and the waiting list for the ones he could get into were so long -he would convince himself and me he could and would do it on his own-he too was funny, sweet, and very loving to me-there was no one else i loved to be with more than him-he too was not violent-i think we may have maybe 2 fights in our 9 years together-it did get to the point where i just couldnt watch him isolate and self destruct-it wasnt until he tried to stop and could not that i felt like the enemy and needed to remove myself-it broke my heart to leave-but i was vain enough to think if i left he would finally get the help he needed-he ended up moving to AZ to be close to his family-i missed him terribly and moved out there after his family helped to get him into a rehab- After all these years I could finally have this wonderful man all the time without the struggle of his addiction and depression-and he would see the wonderful man he was -4 wks before he was suppose to go - I came home and found him on the floor-at first i thought he was passed out-then i turned him over and realized he was gone. The guilt the shock everything about it was life changing-our happy ending was never going to be-I still miss him everyday-and the saying "oh he is in a better place" just made me think "why wasnt i enough to live for" why wasnt i enough to stop drinking? I noticed in your post you said "Something about not being able to fix this- i think i thought if i loved him enough it would fix things and help him see in him what i saw-but like i said that did not happen-i have learned just recently it is true- the only person you can help is yourself-your loss is still so new-be kind-take advantage of your support system-be kind to yourself and remember you were loved and are loved by many- your love made a diffence is his life and you can do this-i have taken a very slow-sometimes self destructive path of my own but things do get a little softer with time-talk, to anyone you feel comfortable with as often as they will listen-and if you would like-you can always send me message or a post- love and hugs Nikki Joe Hodges 1971-2005
  4. Hello to everyone on the forum. My name is Nikki, I joined the forum last year, I am not sure when exactly-many things are a blur still. I have not posted since August of last year. I lost my fiance and boyfriend of 8 years on Jan. 13 2005, it was a Thursday-I came home for work and found him on our living room floor, I thought he was passed out from drinking-he did a lot of that after he lost his job, but he had shot himself. He was 33. Like I said I have not posted in a long time, but I do get the notifications in my E-mail and I do read them and check the board. Most of the time I do not think I have much to say that would make a difference to anyone. My grammer also has much to be desired,please forgive me. I would also like to Thank everyone on the forum, words, poems, songs, and your devotion to your lost partner is so inspirational and lets me know that it is OK to be grieving, sad, angry, lonely and dissapointed- STILL and in my friends and family for abadoning me and forgeting I still am in pain.(sometimes agony). I have been trying so hard lately to be positive-to make what seems like this living hell tolerable. I think a lot when I am in the car about how to do that. I have no answer, but I did have a thought-these people we have lost, our spouse,our lover, our friend -are one of our greatest teachers. My loss has taught me how strong I can be-I don't mean not crying, geting up and going through the motions of life , but how strong my spirit is, the human spirit and also another lesson is that I have faith-I never knew that but I do! And surprisingly I feel closer to god, he is taking care of my most precious love-I have to believe that or I would lose my own mind, so by his death I am forced to have faith. If I could I would change what happened in a minute, but I cannot-I do need a place to talk about it -my grief and my sadness, my emptiness and my tears-I think I have found the place-everyone here leans on one another and tells it like it is and I feel lucky to have a place to go Thank you again Nikki
  5. kayc Thank you for your thoughts. I am sorry to hear about your loss. George sounds like a wonderful man. I have "met' so many compassionate people here at this forum it is unfortunate that any of us have to be here. But it sounds like all of us have known great love and for that I am happy. Although the pain is unbearalbe some of the time(July 13 was the six month mark) I would not trade my life for anyone elses, even with the outcome as it is(of course I would change the outcome if I could). I know what real love is and for that I am so thankful. I don't know if what Joe did was intentional-there are many things I will never know-I have come to accept that-the only thing that gives me comfort is the fact that I know with 100% certainty that he loved me. My mom however really believes he did not do it on purpose because of the fact that he did it where I would be the one to find him-but like I said I will never know. His drinking and possible drug use was out of control-towards the end I felt like I was with a stranger I had never met?? I understand what you mean about the unresolved issue part-in the beginning between the guilt and regret I had a lot of unresolved issues to deal with, but what do I do with them I "talk to him" or pray and I really feel like he can hear me. Joe and I went through so many things together, now it is almost like we are going through his death together. The strength and love I received from him when he was alive is giving me strength to get through this-(most of the time). His death has given me a strong sense of the meaning of faith-faith believing in something without actual tangible proof-I believe with every bone in my body now and especially deep in my soul that he is doing well and he is at peace. I believe all of our loved ones that have passed on are at peace. We have all been blessed by love and that is a wonderful thing. Thank you again for your kind words. Nikki
  6. Walt Thank you so much for sharing that poem-it is so beautiful as I read it I began to cry, not because I was sad just because that is how I feel, knowing he is still with me and that I must go on without him(physically) is the only real comfort I have right now. Thank you Thank you Thank you! I am going to make a copy and bring it to my group-I am sure they will all relate also. Lossing someone is so hard, but I am amazed at the compassion that two people that would not maybe normally be friends can really help one another. I have some handouts from my group I would like to print on the forum-maybe to help others, but not today-I live in Florida and we are trying to prepare for the storm, if it hits us??? Love and Peace to you Nikki
  7. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost the love of my life on Jan 13th 2005. I came home from work and found him on the floor-he had shot himself. I know the pain and horror of seeing someone you love more than life itself at their worst hour. He too was cold and stiff-I have a horrific picture burned into my mind. I have been able to get some relief though-I am going to share with you a very strange but vivid dream I had three days after this happened-I have not shared it with many people but I hope this may help you, the two of us were in a hotel room I did not recognize-he was sitting on the edge of the bed and he got up and walked across the room, the strange thing is I could still see him sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to me and the vision I saw walking across the room was transparent????? When I woke up after that dream my first thought was: that body I saw on the floor the night he killed himself, was not him(PHYSICALLY IT WAS, I AM NOT CRAZY), but he had died and left his body 3 hours before I found him. Sounds strange I know, but that dream really helped me. Also if you are not already seeing a grief counselor I highly reccomend it, or maybe someone from your church. The couselor that I started seeing was telling me about techniques that help people who have seen traumatic things-seeing the love of your life dead is definately one. My sweetheart and I were together for 6 years, he lost his job and his battle with alcoholism increased, we tried and tried but we could not stay together, he moved out of state to where his parents lived, we stayed in touch and he came back-he wanted to get help and he did-it was unsuccessful, he moved back to his parents. On my birthday in 2004 he called and asked me to fly out and see him, just a visit-two weeks later I moved all my stuff to the state he was in and I was hoping to find our happy ending/our beautiful new beginnig. After about two months I realized he was not going to stop drinking-he was now drinking vodka regularly and he was not at all abusive but very negative about life in general. I tried to make the best of it, thinking things were going to change anyday, he also told me he had done crystal meth a few times since he went back to the state he grew up in-he had a problem with it when he was younger-he said he had just done it a few times here and there recently-I think it was more than he admittied-I think he was on it when he did this-I have not asked his parents for the toxicology report-part of me wants to know-part of me does not. If I don't know for sure I can at least assume - assume he was too messed up to know what he was doing and hope and think it was not intentional. I will never know. The only thing I do know for sure is that he loved me very much and I love him-that is all I know 100%. We were toether a total of 8 years-I am 32 and still cannot believe this has happened. I know how fresh your pain is, sadly I do-please feel free to E-mail me, sometimes just knowing someone understand helps too. ncl_klsy@yahoo.com Peace and hugs to you and his family and yours too! Nikki
  8. The love of my life shot himself on Jan. 13th 2005. I have come to terms with the manner of his death and have been able to work through those issues, but I am having such a hard time now with the reality that I will never, ever have one more moment with him. He was/is my bestfriend, my lover, my comedian, and my biggest fan and cheerleader-I miss him every second of the day. Life seems to be moving forward to everyone else, but there are times I just cannot believe this has happened-I cannot believe at 32 my whole world feels like it just exploded one day and there are days that I just feel paralyzed by the event itself and the fact he will no longer be a part of my life, we shared the best 6 years of my life and the last 2 were hard and rocky but the good times always outwieghed the bad-he suffered from alcoholism and depression-the toll of the two really took alot out of both of us, but I thought love could conquer all. When this first happened I guess it was the shock-I felt like I was in one of those water globes and all this stuff was happening around me but I could not hear or feel anything except intense pain-that has softened and for that I am grateful, but now I feel like there is this constant stinging feeling in my heart that just won't go away-Everyday even if it is just me muttling around the house or doing errands or something else it is just another example of life moving on. I am so confused about the direction of my life, I am trying to be gentle with myself-that is the advise I would give to a friend in my situation, but I am just so confused about the uncertaintly I feel. Before the 13th of Jan. I never really had a death touch my heart in this way. I am a nurse and have been at the bedside of many dying patients, but it is not the same. Somedays I just feel so incomplete-I do feel like he is finally at peace and for that I am grateful-I do realize that it is alright that I could not be everything he needed, but his loss is so heavy on my mind and heart I cannot see how will get through this-I know I will-I know I have to, but it is just so hard.
  9. HI sweetgirl I am very sorry to hear about the loss of you beloved and your friend. I lost the love of my life on Jan. 13, 2005, I came home one night from work and he had shot himself- I was living in AZat the time(where he grew up). My mom and stepdad came the next day, I needed to be with them so they packed up all my stuff(I thought I would be able to help them go through our things but I could not even go inside, most of the time they were packing I was sitting in his truck hysterically crying) We drove all our stuff back to FL where I live now. I have not thrown away anything yet of his-I did give some stuff to his mom, best friend and his 14 year old son-the rest I still have. I was able to seperate some stuff into smaller boxes but all I really keep doing is putting them in one place to another, kind of shuffling them around from one place to another? I am lucky though my mom and dad have enough storage for all our stuff-someday when the time is right I will try again to figure out what to do with our stuff-it is still very painful for me to go through. I joined a support group and one of the ladies said that she rented a storage space to keep her husbands things in-she said she would rather pay the $25 a month until she was able to make up her mind what to do with his stuff. I remember the day my mom and step dad packed up our place-at first I was like I don't want anything it just stuff I want him back not his stuff, I am glad my mom did not listen. I also remember being in the hotel room we stayed in when my parents arrived. I can't quite remember but some how I had his coat and favorite hat in there with me I had both laid on the bed (on his side-I know it sounds crazy I slept with them the first couple of weeks) I remember looking at them thinking-Oh god this is all I have left of him, and then a couple days later I thought "no that is not true I have my memories. Go slow-you don't want to make any quick descisions, to someone who knows, it really has not been that long since your loss-even though people around me make me feel like I should be getting on, I still have days that I cannot believe this has happened. I still talk to him too. I wish you luck and peace. Nikki I don't always have much time to come to the forum as much as I like, I do try to check my E-mail daily so if you would like to E-mail me address is ncl_klsy@yahoo.com.
  10. Hi Nancy My name is Nikki, I am sorry to "meet" you this way. I lost my soulmate on Jan 13th 2005. The most kindest, funniest, sweetest man I have ever met took his life on that date I now HATE. I came home from work to find that he had shot himself, he was in the middle of our living room floor. I know this may sound shocking to some people but my couselor and I (now) believe it is best to talk about his manner without being ashamed or afraid. Joe and I were together 8 years- the last two were rocky he moved out to AZ last year due to his alcholism and what it was doing to us. He moved back -went to treatment but it did not work-he moved back-then I moved out there last Aug. that is where we were living when this happened. I would like to share with you some of the things I have and still go through since this has happened. I remember thinking that I was in a car accident and none of this was real. I remember sitting there talking to people when all of a sudden out of no where I would be thinking oh god this could not of happened. I remember losing whole days to the could haves, the should haves and the what ifs, my parents would leave for work a 9am and it would seem like only a half hour would go by and they were home again and I was in the same exact place outside sitting in the chair where I was 9 hrs ago. I will also tell you something couselors and other survivor told me-although the pain that I will never see him again(not soon anyway) and the longing to touch his soft face(after he just shaved it was the softest) and so wanting to feel his arms around me again-the pain itself does somehow I don't know how does get softer, that is my experience anyway. That is another thing-how you grieve is completely unique to you-your the one that had the closest bond with your husband-you are the one who shared the most intimate times with him so DON'T ever let anyone tell you how to grieve or for how long. Just like your relationship with him was all yours so is your grief. There is a post started by Spela I am not sure of the date it was her last post it is titled ????, I also have a hard time remembering things or should I say anything! Anyway it is under Spela and there is a really good poem titled the Agony of Grief-maybe if you have time you could read it, I printed it. I feel like giving it to everyone how asks the insensitive question of How Are You Doing. Sad to say that is not the only stupid question people have asked me. My grandmother even told me Oh dear you are so young you will meet someone nice again. I couldn't barely speak after she said that. Anyway just wanted you to know this site has given me a lot of comfort. I hope you can pull some out of here too. All I can do now is hold on to the few and far between period of peace and believe it or not the period of peace do get longer. I also think that talking here or with someone you feel comfortable with about your love helps. How did you meet. Do you have children. Was there anything you can remember(I had a hard time at first remembering anything about Joe when this first happened,but it did come back to me) that in an instant he would do that would make your heart smile. I am not trying to nosey and maybe thinking about these things are too painful right now-maybe i am overstepping the boundaries I just want you to know you can talk here about anything-the good the bad and the ugly. Sending you hugs and warm thoughts Nikki
  11. Hi Everyone I will not ask any of you the stupid and insensitive question of how you are doing. Spela as you know I have been dealing with a lot of anger issues myself. Lately I feel the power of my anger boiling up in me I feel like it could send me to the moon. I seem to go from angry to sad to just plain hopeless in 0 to 60 seconds, it a rollercoaster ride I did not stand in line for nor did I have any interest in getting on. I am angry with friends that don't understand, I am angry with people saying to me Oh dear it will be alright, you will find someone nice someday(-that really makes me ANGRY), someday how can I even get through today. I am totally in love with someone I will either never see again or at least not for probably a very long time. I also have feelings of anger towards Joe, and then I am ashamed, but I am only human. I read in one of the handouts I was given by my grief counselor that When You Repress Your Feelings You Give Them Power; When You Embrace them, You Gain Strength- I am trying to get that through to my heart my mind understands that but my heart is a little behind. I also rememeber when this first happened, wondering where all my so called friends where, why were they not checking on me or even concerned and what about his friends don't they even care he is gone, I was reading a book at the time and like the above poem says I had to reread most of the stuff a million times but I remember reading (in of course you guessed it a GRIEF book, the book is called The Lessons of Love it is a mothers story of losing her son I stopped reading it when the mother met a man and so on) but there is a passage from the Ron Kovic movie Born on the Fourth Of July -Your fight is just beginning. Sometimes no one will want to hear what you're going through. You are going to have to learn to carry a great burden and most of your learning will be done alone. Don't feel frightened when they leave you. I'm sure you will come through it all okay. Sometimes just knowing I am not alone in the feeling of loneliness helps( a little). After having a day filled with anger I was trying to find something to ease my anxiety, I was going through this web site I am a member of called Survivors Of Suicide there was a nice poem that reminded me so much of the way I feel about my love- I love you without knowing how, why or from where I love you straight forwardly without the complexities or pride I love you because I know no other way than this So close that my hand on my heart is your hand So close when you close your eyes part of me falls asleep too -unknown Well I am signing off for now-I am starting to get a little teary eyed. Wishing you all, and myself periods of peace today! Nikki
  12. Hello Everyone I was just checking in to see how everyone is doing? April 13th was the three month mark of Joes death, I have been very low on energy and my thought process seems to be slipping back again to the day and the days prior to Jan 13th, if only their was something we could of done for our loved ones survival - we all would of- I am still struggling with the manner of his death and I miss him so much it hurts,physically hurts. I am a member of another forum on the web, I was chatting with a lady whose husband died in a similar way to Joes, her husband died 10 mos ago, she wrote something that really stuck with me-ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU ARE GOING TO WAKE UP WITH IT BEING YOUR LAST DAY AND BE VERY SORRY YOU DID NOT CHOOSE, FOR YOURSELF HAPPINESS. I understand the reasoning and like I said the statement seems to be in my mind sometimes I just don't know how to choose happiness, I don't know what makes me happy anymore, I guess I just have to keep looking and maybe-hopefully when I do find some I will be able to recognize it???? Hugs and peace to all Nikki
  13. FLERIN My name is Nikki, I lost the love of my life on Jan.13-he shot himself-yes I said it-it is still so hard to say/write/type/believe. I just wanted you to know I am very sorry for your loss, everyone is acting like this is something I have to get "over" I don't know how, I don't know if I ever will. My love and I were together for eight years(the last two were rocky) he moved to AZ where his parents lived because I could not live with his drinking anymore he moved back to FL -that is where we lived for 6 years together to get treatment-that did not work then he moved back to AZ, he had been there for about 3 months and asked me to visit him-I missed him so much I flew out there from Fl. things were wonderful again-he asked me to move out there so we could get a fresh start, I did, I was there for about 3 weeks and he started drinking heavy again-he was not abusive just very negative towards the world in general-when we first met he was so kind and loved life he always drank heavily but I figured that since he did not beat me or become mean when he drank like the man my mother was with for ten years. Joe was a happy, funny drunk. I thought I would just accept the fact that he drank and try to make the best of times and hoped he would come around again like he had in the past, that did not happen. He was drunk one day-there were people over our house he had just met that day they said he got up stood in the middle of the room spun his chamber in his pistol and put it to his head and shot himself, they left because they were scared and illegal mexicans, I found him in the middle of our living room floor when I got home from work that night, Ithought he was just passed out. The police said there was only one bullet in the gun and it was only fired once-He may of been playing russian roulette, I will never know. He was the sunshine of my life, dispite his drinking and low self-esteem he loved me and I loved him with all my soul-he was the sunshine of my life and now he is gone forever. I am sorry about your pain I know how you feel, I feel it everyday I wake up and throughout the day. I was going to counseling but the counselor kept pushing me to go to a survivors of suicide group and at that time I was not able to accept that, thats what is was-I kept thinking he was just drunk so drunk he did not know what he was diong-again I will never know, I do know I feel guilty, angry, sad and helpless these are issues that all of us feel but I need to explore other avenues and if going to a SOS meeting will help that is what I am going to do. I wish you luck and hope to talk to you soon. Sorry I don't have any advice, but just talking here helps me. some. PS I live in Central Florida, its starting to get hot. HI SPELA-HOW ARE YOU?
  14. Hi Grace My name is Nikki, I lost the love of my life on Jan 13, 2005. He shot himself ,I am still having a hard time with the manner of his death so I will just tell you what I wanted to say to you, I have read a lot of books and talked to more people about loss than I ever thought I would in my lifetime, one thing that made me feel a little better and makes sense to me right now when nothing seems to is that we will all greive for as long as we have to, no time limits. Don't listen to "them" they do not know how it feels for you to have lost someone(somedays it feels like my heart is broken for real)Just be kind and gentle to yourself. I read a quote the other day that maybe in time I will be able to do Don't cry because it is over, Smile because it happened. I miss my sweetie everyday and will never understand what happened but I am soo thankful I did get to spend many blue sky days with him-he was the sunshine in my life for 8 years. There are a lot of firsts I/we will have to face, I had my first B-day on March 18, 2005 I went out to dinner with my mom, I actually laughed a little. i don't know what it will be like when his first birthday comes-he would of been 34. I do remember lying in bed on my B-day thinking well I got through that and in a strange way I was proud of myself just for getting through my B-day and glad that the day was over with. Well I have to go, I hope you are good to yourself and like I said Don't listen to them.
  15. Hi spela I sent you an E mail with my E-mail address. E-mail me back
  16. Hi again its me Nikki I forgot one of the most liberating things I have encountered on this journey It is that fact that I can allow myself to feel anyway I want, we are grieving. Be patient and gentle with your self.
  17. Hi my name is Nikki I lost the love of my life on Jan 13th. It was a very sudden and violent death. I am now trying to figure out what to do. I've read a lot on the subject of loss in the past few weeks (at first I could not read anything without having to read it 5million times) One of the books When Bad things happen to Good People said something like, Don't let their death be your only memory your long lasting one of them, let the love and their life be what you rely on for strength to get through this, we have the ability to get through this all in our own unique ways we just don't know it until it happens. I never in a million years would of guessed I would be 32 and without the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with- he is gone but the memories and the lessons he taught me will never be forgotten. I miss him in my life every morning I get up and almost evey second of the day I think about him. I am very sorry for your loss I hope you can understand what I mean. My thought process is all screwed up but I hope to have it back soon, minute by minute day by day I hope it will come. Love and peace Nikki
  18. Hello My name is Nikki. On January 13th I lost the love of my life. I am 31 he was 33. Everyday is a constant struggle. I am angry,mad or crying all the time. It does make me feel better to be around people. I keep saying to myself I don't know how to do this it hurts too much. Everyone says it will get better with time, does it?
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