wilma2

Godess i sure appreciate your comments. It is refreshing to know from you and everyone here that it can happen that fast. I am trying but so many times it feels i am going backwards. I feel a state of limbo. So much left unsaid, undone so much to do that i have not been able to. I feel I am not really living today but thinking about what i did not do in the past and thinking about what I have to do in the future...

Elizabeth honey let me begin by saying that I am so very sorry. I have lost pets over the years and it is like losing a peice of you. I understand that hurt so much. After the loss of my beloved dog Fred about a year and a half ago i went looking for something to help. I came across this site http://petloss.com/ the people there have lost cats to the same thing you have at a young age to. The chat area i found very helpful. It may help you in time to check it out, ask questions if you want or just be. The people there were great as they are here. I do suggest you check out the whole site to help you through this very tough time. And also know that we are here for you as well. Sending you hugs....

some days are so much harder then others. The first month anniversary to me was reliving that painful day but it seems to me i notice more mothers day sales and announcements then ever before and i wish this sunday did not exist.

Leeann i can not tell you how big a help you have been if there is one thing I have learned is that unless you have been there you dont know. And so it is good to talk to someone that has. Thank you. I feel right now that the world is going on around me not with me in it. Like everything was organized before and I knew not only how to do things but what had to be done and what came next. Now i feel like my entire sense of balance and sense of equilibrium is off like before i could take a part a car (well not really) with my eyes closed but now i can not add 2=2...how long does this last?

thank you for your kind words everyone. I just feel so lost and so emotional with everything right now it sure helps to hear from others who have been there. Of course i wish it was a club that did not have to form in the first place. I have never been one to take things slow but I am finding out now that taking it slow is the only thing i can do.

is it wrong i am just not ready to write that letter? i thought i was but I just can not do that. Just saying moms name makes me choke back tears. i keep wondering to myself was i good enough to her? A good enough daughter, kind enough, patient enough loving enough did she know all how i felt?

Thanks all. I am surprised that it happend so quick. But it does bring me comfort to know it is possible to happen like that but I guess guilt in all this is kinda automatic? It was two weeks today and that makes it tough. I have considered writing mom a letter getting out all the "i am sorry" that i feel. I keep playing the what ifs over and over in my head.

it seems as though guilt is almost automatic for this kinda thing. Many different reasons but guilt is a constant. Like i said i feel this disconnect between what is logical and what I feel deep down. Logically i know I have nothng to feel guilty about but still I do. She wanted to go home soooooooo badly. What if she was just so mad at me for putting her there she gave up? I feel so out of sorts like my whole equilibrium is off. I dont know what normal is. I am used to being the one to care for everyone including brothers and sisters where before i did not mind now it feels like piling on.

thank you everyone you all know what a trying time this is. I am surprised to learn it can go from the lungs to the brain in a matter of days. My biggest fear is that I caused the aggression and stuff. Logically I know that is not true but logic goes out the window these days. I mean I know that I did what i did out of love but still. She had times of calmness so it scares me to think that i let her down. That she was of her right mind but so hurt and angry at what i did that she stopped eating etc. Logically i tell myself i would not have taken her in if she was of her right mind. But then does it spread that fast? The doctor told me it could have been lack of oxygen to her brain (years of smoking had her on oxygen) or a uniary tract infection but the tests showed negative. I just feel so guilty even though it is illogical to.

Hi my mother passed the 8th of this month. She had lung cancer and her last tests showed the mass had grown a bit but not a lot. she was still getting around and making meals etc. I live with her and my father since they are both elderly. So I am there for the doctors, meals etc anything that needs to be done. But in the days before mom passed she began behaving very different. It began with talking in her sleep that she had never done before but on the Friday night before we took her in she began making no sense. Talking of things in the past and things that did not make sense. So the sat morning i took her to the hospital but by this time the confusion cleared and she did not understand why she was going in. After awhile in the emergency she became very angry and agressive to me out of character for her. I got a call from the hospital hours later (they thought my pressence maybe was making it worse so i went home) saying she was again very aggressive and screaming. I tried to calm her over the phone and an hour later they called me back saying she was ok. She was quite the next few days talking of coming home and the nurses were sure she was coming home until tues when they told me she had taken a turn for the worse could no longer "suction" herself and they were going to move her to the hospice as it was her time. She was only there hours before she passed. But I am having trouble getting over the guilt of putting her in the hospital. Had she given up? IN the hospital she said i was Judas for doing it and I had let her down and things like that. Did she just give up and stop fighting because i put her there? The doctors have suggested (when i asked i was not really in my right mind stresswise so I kinda dont remember) that perhaps the cancer had spread to her brain but I dont understand can it go from the lung to the brain in days? I would have thought we would see things like slurred speech or dropping things if that was the case. I just feel so guilty. A friend has told me not to but she has not been there so I was hoping to ask those who have. Did she give up because i put her there?