Kindred

I know exactly how you are feeling, my mother was in the hospital for the last month before she died. She starved herself to death and I was doing my best to get up there three times a day to try and feed her. She went down hill so drastically once she was admitted - she was fairly lucid the day I took her in, but the home she was living in wouldnt have her any longer. They phoned me and said they thought she had had a stroke. Her doctor met us in ER and suggested we admit her until a more suitable place could be found. They all assured me it would only be for a week or 2 at the most. The hospital couldnt handle her, she was still very mobile, so they tied her into a chair and into her bed. I beged them to let her walk around. They wouldnt listen, and I felt I should be able to make them listen. I felt I had failed her, given her a death sentence. After a week she stopped eating. I was working, had my house, my pool, my pets, and couldnt always find the energy to go see her. When I did go she refused to eat and spit the food out anyhow. Many many times I left there crying, completely exhausted, not knowing what to do. My sister and brother didnt come see her at all. I phoned and told them she was dying and they should come, they still didnt. The day she died I drove past the hospital at noon and thought "I cant do it, I NEED to take one lunch to myself, just to sit and do nothing". I had been running from client appointment to appointment all morning, and decided to go up at dinner, and skip the lunch hour. She died at 1:00 pm. I felt awful, at first, thinking "I could have gone" but then common sense set in and I can now say "I did my best and mom didnt expect more". We, all of us, are only human, and we can only do so much. We are of no use to anyone if we drive ourselves into the ground to the point of where we are sick ourselves. You are doing your best and God doesnt ask for me. Dont feel guilty - your mother doesnt want you to sacrifise your whole life to take care of her. I would never want my children to do that for me. I would rest easier and feel better knowing they were out doing things, and enjoying themselves - I would never want to become a burden, not to that extent. My happiness if I were dying would be knowing they are out in the sunshine, doing things, feeling happy and healthy and not tied to me at the expense of their own lives - My mother knew I was putting off moving to China in order to stay and take care of her and be with her until she died and she urged me many times while she was still lucid to "just go and not put my life on hold for her". I made the choice to do stay and for that I am glad but I am sure your mother feels the same. Its scary when you have lost everyone - being all alone is a very scary thing. Be brave, be strong, and stay well so you do have inner strengths to draw on when you need them the most.

Thank you, the anger just isnt going away. Here in China the western men are jerks - they have a saying "what happens in China stays in China". I know, personally, four of them who are screwing around on their wives - we ran into one today who's wife had enough and left him, he was with his Chinese GF and I just got SO angry! I was mad for the rest of the day again, furious. And everytime I think about my brother and sister I want to hurt them - somehow - I know this is all old news and its becoming boring for everyone who knows me - and they are right, I SHOULD be able to let go of the anger but it's stuck. There are no english speaking counselors here. I have decided to put some of this energy into teaching poor women english - I have also picked up a few writing assignments but I find I am just too tired to put out much energy - I know the anger is whats making me tired - I KNOW all the "right things" to do I just cant get it through my head --- or my heart -- as soon as I sit or have time to think the anger comes boiling up again.

Ooops post went off somewhere, anger isnt pretty, it is one of the natural steps in the grieving process but people dont want to admit that, see that, acknowledge that and yes I am mad as hell - I blame my mothers medication for her starving herself to death, I am angry that the doctors wouldnt listen to me - I am angry at my brother and sister for stealing her money - at my STBX partner for being such a low life slime - I am mad as hell at all of them, at myself for being their victim - and I am angry at losing my uncle and my mother because I wasnt ready and i didnt have time to visit with my uncle because I was too busy trying to feed my mother - and I am angry that people act uncomfortable that I AM angry - talked to an on line counselor and at least she felt I had a right to be angry and shouldnt feel bad that I was - crying might be more "acceptable" but I am through crying, well pretty much, I only cry sometimes now at night - I am angry that my STBX partner feels I have no right to be angry - still - I am angry at people saying "let it go, get over it". Thanks for posting you guys, like you say I figured no one here would respond - and thats NOT a good thing for a Grief Board when it IS one of the steps of grieving

I said the deaths were months ago, but it was June and October of last year - its been four months, but I feel as if I have lived through four years. I should also add I am living overseas and have no access to an english book store. I go days without hearing or speaking english, just stumbling along in Chinese with taxi drivers, clerks, etc. I have no support system here, no one to talk to.

I mis read the other forum and thot it said "Losing a Spouse, PARENT or signifigant other" Duh - typical these days, I seem to have lost my powers of concentration completely I lost my mother and my uncle within 4 months of each other. My uncle was more my father than my real father ever was, and they were the last members of my family. I miss talking to them SO much ... My mother was ill for some time and I had to leave a job I loved and move back home to care for her, I couldnt find work in my field and was unemployed for two years. I went through my savings paying her medical expenses and my own living expenses, and maxed out a line of credit and my credit card. I ran up over $14,000.00 in debts looking after my mother. Her estate was supposed to go to me to settle these debts however after her death I found out my brother and sister had "tricked" her into signing all her accounts over to them and they abscounded with the whole estate. On top of it all I was left to pay for her funeral as they refused to, and the grave stone. I was then forced to sell my house in order to settle these debts, and that didnt cover them completely - I stil owe over $7000.00. I was in shock, still am, that my brother and sister could do this to me. They are both wealthy, I am partially disabled single parent and can only work part time and have a very low income. During this period I also had major emergency surgery, and it took nine weeks for the incision to heal completely - the incision was left open to heal from the bottom up and everyday I had packing removed and pushed back into it again. The pain was terrible, so it was pretty well the WORST time of my life. I went through most of this on my own as my "partner" was working away from home. When I would phone he was never in - I later found out during this awful time, when I NEEDED support the most he was cheating on me. He started this affair the same day my uncle died -- Now he seems to think I should just "forgive and forget" and "can on with it" and pretend nothing happened - and now that he's confessed and the OW wont see him anymore its pretty well "ancient history" and not something he is going to spend anytime dwelling on - the other day he told me he had gotten over it and couldnt see why I hadnt. Its been three weeks since I found out and before that he would start fights everyday, claimed it was "stress" but never was able to say what this "stress" was, now I know - it was the guilt, the lying, the fear of discover -- I am SO angry that there are times, many many times when I would like to see him dismembered and bleeding - I cant seem to get past the anger. I have never had the chance to grieve the loss of my mother and uncle and went straight from the funeral to the lawyers to find out there was no estate even though I was the soul heir, my brother and sister never visited my mother for years - then was immediately caught up in selling my house, financial matters - and the fighting and problems with my partner -- It is all history I guess - the deaths happened months ago, so did the cheating, but I only found out about the cheating 3 weeks ago - HOW does one get past the anger? Its the only feeling I have left for my brother, sister and partner - and I dont like being angry all the time. I am still grieving the loss of my mother and uncle and go back and forth between being So angry and feeling so alone in the world -- there is no one left to talk to, no one to offer a shoulder to cry on - sometimes I feel as if I am broken into pieces and cant go on -- I cant sleep, cant eat, I have lost so much weight that I am down four sizes and thats starting to worry me, but everytime I do eat I become sick - I feel so betrayed and so alone...

I lost my mother and my uncle within 4 months of each other. My uncle was more my father than my real father ever was, and they were the last members of my family. I miss talking to them SO much ... My mother was ill for some time and I had to leave a job I loved and move back home to care for her, I couldnt find work in my field and was unemployed for two years. I went through my savings paying her medical expenses and my own living expenses, and maxed out a line of credit and my credit card. I ran up over $14,000.00 in debts looking after my mother. Her estate was supposed to go to me to settle these debts however after her death I found out my brother and sister had "tricked" her into signing all her accounts over to them and they abscounded with the whole estate. On top of it all I was left to pay for her funeral as they refused to, and the grave stone. I was then forced to sell my house in order to settle these debts, and that didnt cover them completely - I stil owe over $7000.00. I was in shock, still am, that my brother and sister could do this to me. They are both wealthy, I am partially disabled single parent and can only work part time and have a very low income. During this period I also had major emergency surgery, and it took nine weeks for the incision to heal completely - the incision was left open to heal from the bottom up and everyday I had packing removed and pushed back into it again. The pain was terrible, so it was pretty well the WORST time of my life. I went through most of this on my own as my "partner" was working away from home. When I would phone he was never in - I later found out during this awful time, when I NEEDED support the most he was cheating on me. He started this affair the same day my uncle died -- Now he seems to think I should just "forgive and forget" and "can on with it" and pretend nothing happened - and now that he's confessed and the OW wont see him anymore its pretty well "ancient history" and not something he is going to spend anytime dwelling on - the other day he told me he had gotten over it and couldnt see why I hadnt. Its been three weeks since I found out and before that he would start fights everyday, claimed it was "stress" but never was able to say what this "stress" was, now I know - it was the guilt, the lying, the fear of discover -- I am SO angry that there are times, many many times when I would like to see him dismembered and bleeding - I cant seem to get past the anger. I have never had the chance to grieve the loss of my mother and uncle and went straight from the funeral to the lawyers to find out there was no estate even though I was the soul heir, my brother and sister never visited my mother for years - then was immediately caught up in selling my house, financial matters - and the fighting and problems with my partner -- It is all history I guess - the deaths happened months ago, so did the cheating, but I only found out about the cheating 3 weeks ago - HOW does one get past the anger? Its the only feeling I have left for my brother, sister and partner - and I dont like being angry all the time. I am still grieving the loss of my mother and uncle and go back and forth between being So angry and feeling so alone in the world -- there is no one left to talk to, no one to offer a shoulder to cry on - sometimes I feel as if I am broken into pieces and cant go on -- I cant sleep, cant eat, I have lost so much weight that I am down four sizes and thats starting to worry me, but everytime I do eat I become sick - I feel so betrayed and so alone...