shauna marie

I am not sure how much I ever talked about him. When I have more time, I'll tell you the whole nightmarish story. I should also mention that I went home the weekend for one night and only one night (to my godfather's.) I got the bus home. The bus stops at a mini-mart. When the bus was pulling up to the store, I could see that there was someone sitting on the picnic table. I didn't bother taking note of who, was too excited about seeing my godfather. After my godfather arrive, I could see that the person sitting on the picnic table was him. My godfather called me today to tell me that he died in a fire. It turns out it was smoke inhalation that killed him, the fire wasn't severe. It was caused by a cigarette that he had no put out properly. I'm...relieved. I'm not glad he's dead--but I'm glad he can't do anything to me anymore. I sadly feel like the way I did when my father died--relieved. I've had to watch the news just to hear another newsman report that he has died. I've been reading the newspaper, too. It has also confirmed that he died. I will recheck the paper tomorrow to see if there is an obituary, heck, I may even buy one to save it. Like I said, I don't really want to get into it right now. I will say that he bothered me in the summer of 2007. I eventually ended up calling the police and was told that he was sorry and he'd leave me alone. He did, for almost a year. And then he started bothering me again. He also had a mental illness. He had went off his medication and went back to drinking--no-no's. About two weeks before I left, he did find himself in the hospital. He was living in a town that was about 20 mins from me, so I figured he'd never come back to where I lived. He did, but I had left before that. I think if I had found out he moved back and was still living there, I would have left that day. At that point, I was afraid. Even since I've moved here I've seen five guys around town that look like him. Each time, my heart just stops and I almost start to panic. Then I remind myself that he didn't know where I lived, my utilities were not in my name, he would have no way of finding me. This might sound sick, but I almost want to go to the wake to see that he is really dead. No, I have NO plans of doing so. I think (hope) you understand why I want to. My brother made one of the most idiotic statements earlier. He said, "at least he didn't physically hurt you." Well...he may not have physically hurt me, but he sure as heck managed to do a number to me. I trust no one anymore. Almost no one has my phone number, I just refuse to give it out. I think one of the worst parts of it all is that the one person who showed interest in me in the entire town turned out to be a complete mess. It's just really hurt my esteem. And it seemed that he had been more interested in the attention that I gave him rather than in me. And then to hear him using the same lines he used on me just makes me feel even less worthy. And people at the pharmacy, my godfather's pharmacy, thought we had been dating because of the attention he gave me. And no one warned me about him or warned me that he had been stalking me there until it was too late. That was hurtful to me, too. But that was all...ok. I mean, it wasn't, but it was. Went to the police, he understood he was bothering me, he'd leave me alone, that was fine. And then he started bothering me this year and I had no idea where he was going with it. Not sure why I'm bothering posting this. I can't go to sleep. It's all somehow starting to hit, everything that I've went through with him. But yeah...at least he didn't hurt me physically. I know he was trying to be helpful, but just hate when people wrap things up in a neat box like that. Ok, I'd probably have said the same thing, too. lol

(((((Eleanor))))) I know, she want to be with me but didn't she think what this was going to do to me!!! I even wached them wheel her away into the van and it was over..everyone left and I felt so alone. Wow, I so couldn't watch them take my mother out. I had to run upstairs and hide. But that was something that I just couldn't do. I know, she want to be with me but didn't she think what this was going to do to me!!! Oh, I'm sure she knew, hon. I'm sure that your mother wanted to never, ever leave you. And you know what? While she physically isn't with you, she's there. I truly believe that our parents stay with us until we pass on ourselves because they can never, ever stop being mommies and daddies and watching out for us. Her body left you, but she didn't and never will. Wow, your birthday is next week? Then do you have Thanksgiving or are you not from the US? And then, of course, Christmas and New Years. Personally, I think it's just absolutely cruel to a grieving person to have so many holidays so close together. Here in Canada, we don't do Thanksgiving in November; it's in October. The really huge issue with that is that you start seeing it all decorated for the holidays about a week before Halloween. I've always thought about creating an island for grieving people and others who are alone that you're not allowed to celebrate any of the holidays publicly. On this island, you get a free pass and can celebrate/not celebrate as many holidays as you wish. Relatives also cannot send holiday greetings or presents. I know the first year I didn't do Christmas. I figured that since I had no kids, I had nothing to be cheerful enough, and I'd already spent 25 holiday seasons with my parents that it was ok to not celebrate that year. My godfather seen things the other way and sent down a present. (The present actually got thrown out the other day.) I refused to open it on Christmas Day. I know that you have your lovely boys to celebrate the days with, but am sure it's bittersweet, too. Sweet because they're probably really excited about Santa and getting the presents. Bitter because it's probably the last thing you want to do. What I personally have done for my tree is to get ornaments that remind me of my mom and dad. I started doing angel ornaments two years ago and plan to buy a new angel ornament each year. I also have ones that remind me of my dad. I found some Nascar ones. So at least they are still a part of my celebrations. Yeah, I had issues with my brothers after losing our parents. The reality is that they just grieved differently than me. I distanced myself for two years, but now have a great relationship with them. I found that I couldn't be angry with them, I couldn't judge them, that I had to just grieve for my parents and then figure out the brothers thing. Take care of you. Shauna

(((((leeann))))) Well, I was wrong. My brother and I are NOT doing Christmas on the 25th this year. We are going to wait until the 27th because...... Our other brother is getting married on December 20th! I am SOOOOOO excited. They are getting married in her hometown, just by Justice of the Peace. I am so, so, so very glad they are doing it that way. I don't have to be there. (Not too sure how I would have reacted to my brother getting married and my parents not being there.) And none of us thought he'd ever get married, so the fact that he actually is getting married is amazing enough. His plans are to spend a week with her family in Calgary. Then he is going back to where we grew up on the 26th and is staying through until the 30th. So my brother and I will be going there on either the 26th or 27th to spend a few days with them. It will be so nice to spend the days with my brothers and new sister-in-law. And so nice that we don't have to do Christmas Day. I've more or less wanted to take that day off my calendar, and so have a very good reason to this year. The best part of it is that we have some positive things to look forward to after the holidays. Well, finally got the rest of my stuff moved on Friday. I also ended up going to see my godfather and it all just hit what I was going to do. Not then, but later on. I was also eating crap food that I had no business eating in the first place. I also needed sleep in the worst way. So I ended up with some pretty bad bloating and stomach pains on Friday night. They were absolutely horrible. I was quite a female dog to the brother I live with, too. The pains were so bad that I actually almost ended up going to the ER over. I just couldn't sleep in the night. I finally ended up taking the Pooh Bear my godfather gave me two years ago to bed with me. That somehow comforted me enough to get a 'lil sleep. When I woke up I still had pains, but got back to bed and felt better when I woke up. My tummy still hurts, but it isn't as bad as on Friday. I've also been very, very careful as to what I will eat. Not sure my body is thankful that I have stopped taking the other medication. Unfortunately, I do get some withdrawal symptoms. I am starting another that is supposed to help with the symptoms. It doesn't matter, I know I absolutely cannot go back to the other medication. I did call my godfather last night. We talked for a bit, he's coming up in a couple of weeks. I can't wait until he sees the place. I also realized that I have way too many Pooh Bears. Of the nine boxes I packed, I had Poohs or something with Pooh on it in eight of the nine boxes. The only box that didn't was a very, very tiny box. I have also given my brothers suggestions for Christmas pressies. I did make a funny comment to one the other day, that it was the first time I was thankful I had two brothers so I could get twice the Pooh stuff. I actually am not getting a whole lot, don't have the room, for sure. And you deserve the hugs, yer such a sweetie. Thanks for replying and take care. Shauna

(((((leeann))))) Thanks for your reply. Not sure what we're doing for Christmas. Probably just spend the day quietly. I've kind of gotten over the whole godfather thing; at least the only reason I'm not spending it with him is because he's going away and not because he's dead. I am getting off the medications as directed by my doctor. It actually wouldn't have mattered if it was directed or not, I had no choice. There were so many "habits" that I had with the stupid medication. One, I couldn't sleep. Now cold medications would often make me drowsy enough to get a few winks. I also could get them dirt cheap at my godfather's pharmacy. When I didn't have money, I would charge them. I ended up with a balance of like $1,300. I was there every single day charging one and two boxes per day. I did stop charging though, my balance is down to like $256. So when I couldn't charge, I'd still get them. I'd literally, well, steal them if you want honesty. Like up to two boxes a day. I'd always pay for them the next day, but that wasn't the point. But I HAD to have them. And when I didn't have a bus pass, I'd usually walk down and get a cab home, but would "forget" to take the money out. So I was screwing over two companies. Keep in mind that I did pay it all back, but again, not the point. Two, I'd sweat like a pig. I had comlete weather intolerance. Even walking from my bedroom to my living room would cause me to sweat, as I usually had my fan on in my bedroom. If I had to go in a place that was hot, I'd sweat. But if it was cold, I'd get the chills. Three, I couldn't settle down long enough to do something. I'd literally more hop from watching tv for about five minutes, then go on the computer for another five, try to read a book for ten, then try to sleep, then get up to...you get the picture. I'd also literally sit on the bus for hours every single day. Four, I had horrible anxiety. I figure that I had about five different interviews over the last year; two of which were mine, but couldn't bring myself to the interview because I'd panic too much. Five, nightmares. Nothing more fun than dreaming about your family every single night. (Parents.) Also would dream about the animals we had to give up. There was one nightmare that involved my mom dying again. I'd also try to sleep at night and I'd think I was actually back in my old house. Six, I have had several other symptoms, but I can't deny that Effexor may not have been responsible. The ear issues, eye problems (can't focus properly, but it could be my script is due to be changed.) Protein in the urine, involuntary quivering, and nausea. Even cutting down caused issues. When my body got adjusted to them, I'd start to have the symptoms all over again. And with the move last week...wasn't fun. I'd go through a night or two of no sleep, but couldn't do any work because I couldn't concentrate long enough. Then I'd have to spend time playing catch up. I honestly haven't slept much since last weekend. On Wednesday, I woke up at 1:30 am. I *HAD* to force myself to finish packing and stuff. There's actually stuff that I need to go back and do today because I just couldn't finish it on Wednesday. (We were going back to get more stuff anyway.) Now on the day that I woke up at 1:30, I ended up taking enough Gravol to kill a child. Did NOTHING. Even when I got here, I still couldn't sleep. Probably ended up getting about four hours of sleep total. We had to get a maintenance guy as soon as I got here because the tub tap broke and it was a steady stream of water. Then ended up finding out about nine pm that our heat wasn't working. So the guy ended up coming over yesterday. He woke me up. After he left, the cable guy showed up. Then the phone person. Then my brother. Then I left to go to town for a while. Had to do laundry and get a bath. Got about two hours of sleep and have been awake since midnight. I would have been fine, if I hadn't taken that last Effexor (I took it shortly before I went to try to sleep again at 4). Let's say that's the last Effexor I will touch. Thought I would have been fine, nope. Funny you should mention about my mom watching over. You see, the bathroom taps and heat were two issues that we had with the old house. And for BOTH of those to break as soon as we got here? Well, the heat I don't know what was wrong. The tap I know my brother went to test out the water pressure and then it wouldn't turn off. Where we live it's a neighborhood filled with apartment buildings. Each has three floors, has to be close to fifty buildings. The one we got is right across the street from the bus terminal, we have no neighbors on either side, and there's a store literally two doors down from our front one. It's actually in our apartment building. There's also the community room right next door, along with the gym. Oh, and the laundry room is about a five foot walk from our apartment. We seriously have the best apartment in the best building. All of that makes me believe that they are indeed watching over us. Oh, and the day that I officially decided to move was a weird one. I had been napping, woke up at 4 pm and decided that I HAD to go to town NOW. It was raining out, so I really was kind of perplexed as to why I HAD to go. (I don't like the rain.) Now, the bus comes at like five after the hour, so I had to rush to get ready. By the time the bus got to the other end of the street, the sun had come out and it was still raining. Then as we turned onto another street, a rainbow appeared. Had I not went to town right then, I would have missed it. I always associate sunshowers and rainbows to my mom. It was like she was telling me that it was ok to move, I'd be ok. And I haven't freaked out or cried once since I got here. Wow, I've went on way too long. lol I still have one more trip to do, have to go back to get the rest of my stuff. Then next week I get to look for a job. I have an interview at the call center at some point, but I found a job that I would love more. So I will apply for that one. Shauna

(((((leeann))))) No words, just a hug. Glad to hear you both made it through the surgery ok. It sounds scary about what could happen. Keep in mind though that the doctors have to tell you what could happen and it doesn't mean it will. It's great that they are going to keep such a close eye on him. Ok, guess I had a few words. I'm sorry to hear that you are so exhausted, but I think it's totally normal. Even the last time he had his surgeries, it was so soon after you lost your mom and had so many other things going on; that you probably couldn't properly comprehend it all. Take care of you. Shauna

(((((leeann))))) Wow, hon, I'm so sorry to hear that your husband has to have another surgery. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, especially with the type of sugergy he has to have. I'm sure your mom and dad will be with you both tomorrow and helping to make sure that your husband's surgery goes as well as planned. I feel that since my parents aren't with me on earth, they are with me and still take care of me. I know that going to the doctor's a lot can be tiring, but I can't imagine having to go through so many surgeries (or having had to watch a loved one go through so many.) Hope that 2009 will be a healthy year for the two of you. Take care of you and let us know how it goes. Shauna

Funny. I used to think the same thing, liberty. I don't completely understand it though because I was only 27 when I lost my mom. I guess when you're younger, you cry for the years you miss. When you're older, you cry for the person who has been there for you 40-50-60 years. deb Glad to hear that your dinner went well. Perhaps you and your siblings should make it a monthly thing? Maybe one month go to a different house or restaurant or whatever. Maybe even use that time to celebrate special dates, like birthdays or whatever. It's hard work after you lose the bond, but the fact the bond isn't there sometimes makes it stronger. I'm closer to my oldest brother now. But as we have almost nothing in common, it's hard. But knowing that my mom would want it to be that way makes the work worth it.

Wow, haven't been here in so long. Just needed a break from the grief thing. Well, the mystery of my "bladder infections" has finally been answered. It's the medications that I'm on. They aren't causing bladder infections, but rather bladder infection-like symptoms. They are also causing my mania to be much worse, the sleeplessness, the nightmares, and the excessive sweating. I also think they are possibly causing all of my ear problems. My ears keep filling up with wax over a very short period of time. One of the side effects of the medication is ringing in the ears, so am thinking it's possibly the medications. I have started to cut them back and will be off them very shortly. I'm moving on Wednesday to the city, about an hour away. I am pretty excited about it. But it just sucks, I want to pick up the phone to call my mom and tell her all of my new plans. I want to tell her about the great apartment, how I think I have a job, etc. Every time something exciting happens in my life it's the first thing I want to do. I am moving with my brother, but I think it'll be ok. I won't be spending Christmas with my godfather this year. Has nothing to do with my move though. His daughter just got engaged and bought a house, so she wants to spend Christmas at home with her fiancee. You bet I'm not happy about it and am majorly sooking. However, I'm ok with it. I know it's more important for my godfather and his wife to be with their kids on Christmas morning. And the more I go over things in my head, the more ok I am with it. I'd rather be the one who loses out and not them. Their daughter has only spent one out of I think, four (five?), Christmases with her fiancee. So if she is to come here, she wouldn't be spending it with him. If my godfather and his wife weren't to go there, then they would lose out and I know that in the scheme of things I'll get over not seeing them on Christmas morning. I am sure that it would take a lot longer for them. And if something was to happen to one of them...then I'd feel guilty for wishing otherwise. But I can still sook, right? And I know his daughter gave up FL last year so that I could go. So I really, really am ok with it all. I'd also be the first to kidnap my godfather and his wife and put them on the plane, I know it's importance. Learned all about not spending the last Christmas with a loved one. But it's ok that I sook, right? Shauna

(((((urizzle))))) I honestly have tears rolling down my face right now. I do not and won't pretend I know what you are going through, our circumstances were different, yet the same with one big difference--my godfather is still alive. I cannot even begin to comprehend your pain, I just can't even think about it. And my father was sort of the opposite of your dad. He was in my life, but he didn't pay a lot of attention to me and my needs. But for all intents and purposes, he wasn't there. i know it sounds horrible, but it would be nice to at least have one day a year that is just mine Not horrible at all. There are 364 other days of the year, so why not one of those instead of your birthday? Yes, you are right that it wouldn't matter what day he died--you'd be in pain and miss him. But the fact that it's so close to to the holidays is already a stab in the heart. But your birthday, too? i decided to take full advantage of at least having a loving father...ugh that sounds horrible What sounds horrible? Do you feel guilt for loving your stepfather and giving him the rights as your father? I have to ask where on earth did you get the strength to survive all of this??? I can't imagine all of the things you've went through: 1. Your stepfather moving to CA. 2. Your stepfather moving to Taiwan. 3. Your stepfather's death. 4. The date of his death. I have no idea how you can go about being able to celebrate your birthday again. My suggestion would be to pick a different date to celebrate it. Remember, the purpose of a birthday is to get presents and cake; doesn't have to be on your actual day. One final thought--the stupidity of the remarks your friends makes has nothing to do with their age. I've been through both parents deaths and have no idea how you really and truly feel about what has happened to you because it hasn't happened to me. It's why I've hesitated to make a suggestion regarding your birthday. I actually had to do a LOT of thinking before I came up with the above idea. Really dumb thoughts went through my mind like, "Your stepfather would want you to enjoy the day." Take care of you. Shauna

(((((leeann))))) Thanks. I needed that. Well, my grandmother is alright. I also came to some conclusions the weekend. One is--it isn't my mother all over again. If it wasn't for my brother, I wouldn't know what was going on. My grandmother isn't involving everyone. My mother tried to involve everyone. Well, today was the third anniversary of it. My brother was here for the weekend, we had an ok weekend. It POURED about 10 am. Well, it has been raining most of the day, but it poured then. That's about the time she died three years ago and we got caught in it. Then I needed a cab later in the day and ended up getting my conquest. Of all days to get him...right? I've been missing him all summer by about a minute or two. So I finally get it, mother dear. I only get him on my "good days". Never when I might try to want him to fix me. Phew. Need more sleep, couldn't sleep (unrelated to grief) all week, now can't get enough of it.

Well, Sunday will be three years since my mom died. For those who don't know, she had called three ambulances during the summer of 2005. Well, I found out tonight that my grandmother is doing the same thing. I'm not sure how long this has been going on, my brother has been keeping it from me since he didn't want to upset me. Right now, I just honestly don't feel it. (I have another bladder infection so I'm really not feeling much of anything right now. lol) I know why she is doing it. She has two children, my mother and her brother. She also has an adopted daughter. She has lost contact with her adopted child, hasn't heard from her since 2004 and really hasn't heard from her since she left my grandmother's care when she was 18. My mother is gone, of course. That leaves my uncle who has moved to Ottawa, ON (I'm in Nova Scotia) last year. He retired and then moved. My uncle has been down maybe three times since he moved. He was down for a week, but didn't even take her out for supper. Only brought pizza, which bothers her stomach. He came down for like a day at Christmas and was down for a day the other week. Now, when his girlfriend (now wife) was in Ottawa and he lived here, he would make the trip to see her at least once a month, if not more. He has the finances to come down more often and being retired, sure as heck has the time. She relied on him. Not for everyday things or mentally, but just to do stuff like change a lightbulb, do her taxes, go out to dinner with him every once in a while. This behaviour isn't normal for my grandmother. She does have problems with her bowel and that is the reason she has been getting ambulances. She has had problems for years and they never do anything for her. But for her to be doing this...she's doing it for attention because she's sad and lonely. It isn't like going to the hospital is getting her help, apparently she's pretty much just being sent home. I should also add that my uncle left his ex-wife after almost 25 years of marriage. Just walked out on her one day. Their son was only in grade 10 at the time. Then my uncle found a new g/f...who is just a year older than me. They are now married and honestly...the whole situation makes me sick. It's like he wants to erase everything from his life. In my opinion, there are things that they could have done. They could have moved to Halifax, which would have made sense. She has family about three hours from here and his son is in Halifax. (Halifax is our largest city.) At the very least, he could make more of an effort. Instead, he doesn't. At this point, I don't think she'll see Christmas. We're getting into really tough days now--my mom's anniversary, her birthday, my mother's birthday...that's all within three weeks, too. And like I said twice already, this is NOT usual behaviour for my grandmother. I'm not blaming my uncle, per se...I just wish he'd take care of his mother a bit more.

Ok, I'm only going to explain the "home" thing right now. Sorry for any confusion. Home is where I grew up, lived with my family for 28 1/2 years. Until Dec/05, I had only moved once in my life. That was actually from our house that was too small to our grandparents house. My grandparents house had actually been built by my grandmother's parents and my mom always loved that house. I moved in Dec/05 to an apartment with my brother and a roomate. Basically got kicked out a year later, so I moved to a rooming house. My brothers were thrilled that I found a place to live. My godfather, however, was not. He was worried that it wasn't safe. (I'm about six hours away from where I lived.) I was actually going to be near him the following week and he just happened to need to be where I was and we met for lunch and he suggested I move here to get a new start. This was Sept/06. I went up in Oct to get a feel for the area and fell in love. I moved the end of October and never looked back. I'm not sure why I call it "home". I think there's a part of me that denies that my mother is dead and that my house hasn't been sold. Living there again just isn't possible. For one thing, my mother wouldn't let me. I know this sounds strange, but I had a huge plan to move back in November. Told my landlord I was moving, was going to put my furniture in storage. It actually worked out that I realized moving back would be a mistake and it worked out that my apartment was still mine and my furniture never made it to storage. Moving back there would mean some things, it would be eaiser to find a job, I'd have more of a social life. BUT... I'd be stupid again. I don't always know the world as others do, spent a lot of time under my big rock. So therefore, being called stupid, dumb, retard, etc, was a pretty common occurence. I was also nosey, smelly, annoying...you get the picture. The only one who loved me unconditionally was my mother...and she wasn't there for me. I guess I consider back there "home" when I choose to pretend my life there was all glory and fun. I tend to overlook the fact that I'd lose everything I learned here. I also overlook the fact that this is the way my mom would have wanted it. Me being taken care of and she out of pain. I just wanted to explain the home thing. I'll reply to the posts later. Shauna

Yep, pretty much same crap, just a different day. But it's getting closer to the anniversary. Two weeks from tomorrow. I'm still a mess. My ear, which was infected with Swimmer's Ear, HAD gotten better. Now it's back to the way it was before. So now at some point I'm going to have to bother the doctors--again. I'm starting to feel like they should have a special seat for me. My hip also hurts like heck, still. I haven't heard from any of my friends, except for one. I did send him an email asking something, but he didn't reply. I know that he's had a lot going on and stuff...but all the same. I need my friends more than ever right now. Again, haven't gotten my conquest as a driver this week. However, I had two guys freak the heck out of me on Monday night. I was waiting for the bus and one guy started screaming at me from across the street. He was screaming, "Allo, allo!" to me. I didn't know who he was, so I turned back around. Then he got in the car with his friend and they drove past me one way, turned around, and passed me the other way--honking the horn as they did so. Then when the bus went by their house, they waved at the bus. When I came back home later, I seen them get in their car the second I got off the bus. I turned around and got back on the bus and went to town to wait for my godfather to get off work to drive me home. I haven't seen them since, which is good. I also had a stalker issue last year. He got a hold of my phone number...ok, by me. But I thought he was a nice guy and NO ONE told me any differently. He had called me at work that night and boy, did I feel special that he called me at work. Little did I know he had been stalking the place, going in the store, calling there, looking for me for like a week. (I had been in FL.) So, I told him the night I gave him my number that I wouldn't be home until like 9:30. Didn't stop him from calling like three times before I actually was off work. I did talk to him that night for about ten minutes. Decided he was creepy as heck, and vowed not to talk to him again. He had to have called me about 20 times the next day. At least. And though I never answered the phone no matter how many times he called, he kept trying. He'd call from friends, I think trying to trick me. I finally had my cell turned off and lo and behold, he started showing up at my work again. I finally had to call the police to tell him to stop. (He's quite friendly with the police officers in town.) So anyway, I seen him a few times since last year, he's never even talked to me. Until today. I was having a smoke before I got on the bus and he started asking me if I still worked at Shopper's. (Never worked there, but wasn't about to correct him. lol) Someone asked him for a light and that took the attention away from me and I pretty much ran. My apartment is still a mess. I actually have a whole flock of fruit flies, too. I also still can't find a job. And quite honestly, I don't have the energy for anything right now. All I want to do is sleep each day away. If my mom were still here...things would be so different. I'd be home. I'd have a job. I'd even have the occasional date. I've only had one *date* since I've moved here two years ago and I wouldn't call it that. I've never done anything with friends 'cuz I really don't have any. I have friends back home though. And if she were here, I'd still have my animals. And if she were here...then I wouldn't have to think about the fact that it's almost been three years since I last talked to her. If she were here, I could watch CNN and watch all of the updates on Hurricane Fay. I might or might not remember Hurricane Katrina. I wouldn't have to curse Mother Nature for having the hurricane possibly attack LA again. Because try as I might to avoid the danged news, it still comes up. When I turn on my Yahoo, there's a little news thing. And if she were here, she'd understand me and I wouldn't need to find others in the same boat. I hate throwing myself a pity party, but I'm sorry, it effin hurts to see people who are twice my age out shopping with their moms. It isn't fair. Now I can't shop anymore, except at the freaking Disney store. I just hurt, that's all. It just seems like everything is giong against me. I know that it's just how I'm looking at everything today and that everything happens for a reason. I know the job situation will change, the friends thing will change, my apartment will get cleaned, and hopefully love will enter my life. And my illnesses will get better. I know my situation could be worse, much worse. I also know that I don't have a whole lot to offer others right now, so maybe it's good that I don't have a job or anything. Might sound odd, but I have noticed that I never get my cabbie "friend" when I've been having a bad day. So maybe there's a higher force that is keeping me from certain things right now. Maybe I need to fix ME and not rely on others to do so. I guess I will survive. I just hate the thoughts of the memories of Katrina and September 11th. My mom's wake was on that date that year, which was a Sunday. Her anniversary this year will land on a Sunday, too.

You know, speaking of dogs... My dog wouldn't sleep or even go in the room where my dad died for about two months. Funny how these things affect animals, too. (((((jan))))) Great that moving the furniture around worked for you! But don't fret if you still sleep in the recliner, as long as you are getting SOME sleep. Now, both my parents did die at home, in the same room, actually. So my brother and I had a rule that we were NOT allowed to sleep in their bedroom. (I used to sleep with my mom sometimes after my dad died.) There were times I'd wake up and go downstairs and my brother would be on the couch, or in the chair, sleeping sitting up. He refused to sleep laying down anywhere downstairs. Glad we don't live there anymore. lol Didn't get a whole lot of sleep, for sure. Shauna

Ok, before I get into my topic, has anyone from these boards added me to MSN? I've had a couple of people who have added me, but I don't know who they are. Then I remembered that I had my MSN screen name in my profile, so thought I'd ask. Ok, on to the topic. I swear, I've turned into my mother. It started about a month ago. The lower left side of my back started hurting. It kept up for two weeks. That is unusual, as I am not one to get aches and pains. Then it moved into my hip. My left hip. That still does hurt, occasionally. But I never had pain there before. Last Sunday I was at a work party that my godfather was having. I pretty much pigged out on plain potato chips. I'm not even a potato chip person. Then the next day, I got a bag of potato chips. A big bag, plain. Ate the whole bag. That's the first time I recall doing that probably since my mom died. That was her thing. She'd scarf down a bag or two every chance she got. And then of course, the chips bothered my tummy. So I ended up feeling bloated. Now that I do get at times, but I'm sure it was related to all of the junk food I was eating. The anniversary is coming up, but not until early next month. But it's so strange that I've been...acting JUST like her. Has anyone either had this happen or heard of it happening? Or am I just crazy?