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diron

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Everything posted by diron

  1. Erin and Spela, I have been thinking about you two and hope things are going as well as they can be. Be gentle to yourselves.
  2. (((Walt))) I am sorry to read about your losing your wife. This is such a difficult time, I hope you take care of yourself. There is so much to get "used" to while we are grieving. My Ron promised my 80 years of marriage, he lied. I can laugh at that because it brings back good memories of our life together.
  3. Hello Emily I am so sorry you have a reason to be here. I come here too for the comfort that others know/feel what I am feeling and for hope. I lost my husband in February and feel so lost without him. Right now I am coasting, just doing the one hour, one day at a time thing. I hope that with time I will enjoy life again. I have a daughter and grandson that I am very close to and concentrating on them gives me purpose for now. Seems like everything I do makes me tired very easily. Do you feel that too? (((Emily)))
  4. Erin how are you doing? And that's not one of those questions where the expected reply is "fine". We get too many of those every day. Sounds pretty insensitive to me, for someone to ask if you are dating yet. I have a hard time understanding how people can expect us to just pack away all the memories, all the heartache, all the love, like last winters sweaters and start something/someone new while we are still coming to terms with this huge hole in our hearts. "Widows weight loss plan" is good. Can I borrow that?
  5. I think we all got cheated. This not something we wanted. We were supposed to have many more years with our beloveds. I tell people that Ron lied to me. When we married, I was 48 and he was 56, he promised me 80 years of marriage. It was an ongoing joke but we had the best time imaginable. Even dealing with tough stuff we had each other and could reduce the difficulties to manageable small issues. He promised me 80 years and he lied. The only lie he ever told me. Somehow, I sure don't know how, we will make it through this. We might even be stronger for it, but this isn't the way I wanted to get stronger. I hate ladders, never want to be higher than the second rung. Today at the shop, I had to climb the 14 foot ladder and change fluorescent bulbs. I cussed Ron under my breath the entire time - he was always the ladder climber and he wasn't here to do his job. I do not want to overcome my fear of ladders and heights, thank you very much. I was quite happy being afraid and on the floor. I wish there was some magic potion that we each could take and if not given the opportunity to have our sweet guys back at least not feel so berift. I don't think we are going to get that wish either. So we have to figure out how to cope with the grief and get on with finding some small joys in life. I think we just have to keep reminding ourselves to breathe, crying when we have to, screaming when we have to and keep slogging along until we don't have to cry or scream so much. I know I am now going longer periods of time without dissolving, but I have my days that I just want to curl up in a ball. Spela maybe your work and my shop are part of our needed as places to be that gets us outside of our pain for a while. Nancy, Disneyland sounds fun. Ron and I had talked about taking our 9 year old grandson before Ron got sick. I hope you can make the trip and it won't be too difficult. The kids can sometimes help to make find joy again. And you can tell Robert all about it as you are seeing and doing. I talk to Ron all the time. Nancy I know what you mean about the quiet. I live on 16 acres, 2 miles outside of a town with a population of 900. It is a wonderfully quiet place to be. I love the "racket" of the birds. I saw a woodpecker this morning. I used to see him all the time, but this is the first time I remember seeing him since Ron died. He made me smile. I wish us all peace and more peaceful days. Nancy I hope your injuries are healing well. Spela just keep doing what you are doing, the periods that are less stressful will get longer. This is still so raw to us, it will take time for us to heal. And some days we will double back and it will feel like we have gained no ground, but then we will pick up and keep going.
  6. (((Spela))) isn't this the most awful thing in the world to try to wade through?
  7. Archie, one thing I have learned in my many more years is that running away does not solve the problem. We take the problem with us wherever we go, different city, different state. I was blessed not to lose either of my parents until much later in life, but I can somewhat understand how devasting it can be to lose a parent so early. All of us grieve and handle grief differently. Many males do not show their grief easily and are more apt to keep it bundled up inside, this may be the case with your father and brothers. Keep looking for a counselor that works for you. I have been told by others that they went through several before they found one that they connected with. We are all unique in our grieving and the time it takes "to get over it" as if we ever do. I just think that we find new ways of dealing with it. We will always carry the love and the pain of the loss in our heart. Keep looking for ways to help you with this pain. See your doctor or find another counselor. Find someone you can talk to that will listen.
  8. (((Hugs))) to both of you. My Ron died 2/27/05 from cancer. I was in such a fog and some days still am. My brain knows that with time will come healing, but some days my heart rejects that. One thing I already have learned is that there is no set time for grieving and then you stop. That time is unique to each of us and we will carry some bit of it with us the rest of our lives. Later it will just be different and not so raw. When I feel the grief coming in on a new wave I turn and face it and let it roll over me. Then I pick myself up and go on. Feeling guilty for living when our beloved died does not help. Did we choose this life over death, no, so we have nothing to feel guilty about. Would I have traded places with Ron in a heartbeat, I would have said yes before he died. Now I know I would not want him to go through this grief. But we don't get to make those choices anyway. My hope is that we all stumble our way through to a place and time of healing.
  9. msatwood, I felt so for you while reading your post. It is awfully hard on us to lose so many people in such a short time. When my dear husband was battling cancer, I grieved for several months before he died. I was hearing what the drs were telling us and he wasn't. So I would grieve silently when with him and sometimes would go walk or someplace alone so I could cry out loud. There were times when all the care giving and having to do so much did get me down both physically and mentally. I do not feel guilt though, not for not doing enough - I did all I could and not for being the one left behind. I miss him more than I can put into words and carrying on without him is difficult some days. Dying is a part of living, and I felt like I had to accept that. Hospice has some really good booklets that helped me a lot. When we signed up for hospice I thought we would be with them for months, instead it was only a little over 2 weeks. My dear husband was so tired and he had fought so hard, I think once he realised there was no more treatment to be had to get rid of the cancer, he let go. He quit eating the last week, I would offer but did not push. I realised he was dying quickly and tried to keep him comfortable and let him know again how much he was loved and how much he would be missed. But I let him go and I do not feel guilty.
  10. Irm, I really don't have any "good" advice except to say: keep doing what you are doing. I am having all the same issues. Sometimes I function well wading through all the paperwork and condolences and at other times I don't. Today I am off from work and should be cleaning, but I am sitting mindlessly doing nothing. Today is one of those hollow days - feel like such a big part of me is missing. Some days I can get my mind focused on what must be done and not feel the loss quite so much. Other days it seems to overwhelm me. I lost my Ron on 2/27/05. All I can say is just keep trying.
  11. Thank you JellyT. I needed to hear that. I have a friend whose husband died 10 years ago and she told me much the same thing. Part of me "knows" at some point the pain will not be so bad, part of me does not believe that. Part of me wants that point to hurry up and get here and part of me wants to hang on to the flannel shirt of Ron's that I sleep with every night and hang on to the deepest memories and in some ways hang on to the pain. At some point I have to really accept that he is gone and is not coming back and move on with my life. But I am not at that point yet. I move through the days, doing the usual things and dealing with a lot of unusual things I have never had to do before. I do not like dealing with all this strange stuff, trying to untangle the finances, straigthen out the ins., figure out if I can keep the roof of our dream house over my head. Some days when I get one knot untangled I am pleased with myself. Some days I don't seem to care. I have to learn to cook for one, I can't keep eating frozen pizza and fruit turnovers forever. I used to be a good cook and Ron loved to eat, but the idea of cooking for just me does not please me. And I don't like leftovers so have to figure out how to cook smaller, but right now I don't want to because that feels like I am pulling away from the "we" that was. I guess I want things back the way they were before and I miss that man so much. Makes me angry that I can't have what I want. I guess throwing a tantrum like my grandson used to won't work either.
  12. I don't know if we ever "get over" our loss. I have been told that it does get easier to accept with time. And the amount of time differs for each of us. Friends that have lost the love of their life have told me this. I will accept that on faith that someday the pain won't be quite so bad. My beloved Ron (Marine for 11 years) died February 27, 2005 due to cancer. He was in my arms when he died. Knowing what was coming for some months prior, I thought I was better prepared. What a joke, I was not/am not prepared to deal with this loss. On one level I keep functioning. I go to my shop everyday, I help my daughter and grandson and they help me. But there is such a big hole in my heart and such a big vacumm every where I go. I do not go out with friends as much as we used to. On occasion I will go, I make myself go. I miss so much his smile, his touch, his laughter. I talk to him everyday and tell him things that happened during the day, but I miss so much his response. I hope with time I do not cry as easily and as much. I have checked in to grief counceling. So far I have found two groups that meet when I cannot be there. I will find a group because I think time spent with others going through the same thing will help me. I hope that each of us finds our way to live with our losses more comfortably than we are now.
  13. Here it is Easter and exactly 1 month since I lost my beloved Ron. I sent my daughter and grandson, with my blessings, to visit out of town family. I am cleaning out a junk drawer and the pantry. So much stuff, and it is not even personal stuff, and it brings up so much sorrow. I may never clean out "his" closet at this rate. The last year and a half, while Ron was sick, we just stuffed stuff anywhere it would fit and you could get the drawer or door shut. I am trying to clean out and toss the real junk. Loading boxes for the food pantry or sr. center of stuff I will never eat but someone could use. Everything brings up memories and thoughts. I am so glad Ron is no longer suffering and glad the end came as quickly as it did but I miss him so much and I want him so badly. I would not have wanted him to linger the way he was the last two weeks of his life, but .... How can a can of sauerkraut make me cry so many tears?
  14. I have just read all your words and thank you. You are all saying what I am feeling. I know I can't have Ron and life back the way it was but my heart is breaking over and over and over. We only had 11 years of marriage. Both of us had been married before unhappily and so dated for 2 and half years before marrying, we were so gun shy. But we had such happiness and laughed and loved and enjoyed every moment. How are we supposed to go on? I want so badly to feel Ron's arms around me again. He was my strength, my shelter, my friend.
  15. I just found you all by googling. My beloved Ron died 2/27, in my arms. My daughter is close by, friends have been wonderful but .... Some days I function better than others. Today I worked at my shop and was busy but was sad all day. In between customers I got teary. Now I am sitting here with tears streaming. I miss my man so much it hurts so much. He had cancer that had spread but he fought so hard to overcome it until there was no fight left. Hospice was wonderful, they made both of us comfortable at home and made it possible for me to care for Ron at home with their assistance. Dealing with all the stuff that has to be handled is just too much some days, like today. And there is so much stuff, paperwork, phone calls. Everyone I have dealt with have been helpful but it is just so mind boggling. I have always been a strong and independent woman but this so far is just slipping through my fingers. Thank you for reading.
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