Lin_in_Cave Creek

Hi KayC, I cannot begin to tell you how upset this makes me knowing that someone as wonderful as you has had something so deceitful happen in their life. I remember when my first husband cheated on me and I had been grieving the loss of my dad at the time. I don't remember what I wanted to do first, but I do remember getting out of the relationship because I knew that I would never be able to trust him again, and I was right because I recently found out (20+ yrs later) that he is in jail for grand theft. I will never understand why God took Gene from me and continues to let someone like my ex and so many like him continue to live and breath. I know there is nothing I can do for you, but you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know God will give you the strength and courage to do whatever you need to do for YOU. Stay strong. We are here for you...Lin

Dear Kathy, Your experience reminds me of how I felt when I went back to NY this past Christmas to be with friends and family so that my sons and I would not be alone in AZ to deal with our first Christmas without Gene...how totally disappointing. Many of them had not seen us for quite some time and certainly not since Gene's deaath in Aug. 07. I was so hurt by those I looked forward to seeing but didn't make the time to see us. And just like you, those that I did see, kind of half-heartedly asked how we were holding up, and hardly listened as I answered their question. I have found that there are so few people that truly understand what we are feeling, and that's ok because we are survivors who will make it in life as a result of our experiences which have made us more caring and understanding people. Unfortunately for them, their turn will come (though we don't wish this pain on anyone) and it will be then that they will look for us to help them through their pain...and we will! I believe they are not intentionally trying to hurt us or ignore us, but rather just don't know how to deal with our pain, so they choose to ignore it. It doesn't make them a bad person, just a oonfused one. I've been told that our life as we once knew it no longer exists and that this is the "new normal." I, too, just rewrote my telephone book and eliminated many people that I haven't seen or heard from since Gene's passing. I found this website to be the best thing that has happened to me. It has helped me move forward while dealing with the loss of my husband. I recently had dinner with a friend (now 60) who lost her husband when she was 35 with 4 very young children, and she said, "the longer you allow yourself to dwell on the pain that others have inflicted on you, the less time you will have to grieve for your loss, and the longer it will take you to heal." This made sense to me because we all know that the more you allow yourself to grieve, the better you heal, and the sooner you can resume a "normal" life. Lin

Dear KayC, I remember having one of those years, and prayer was all I had. I never will understand why He does what He does, but I beleive in His power and love and know that He will never hurt us, but only help and guide us. God gave us understanding and patience for times like this. We feel your pain and are here with you. Right now your sister needs your strength and love. Things will work out...just keep praying. Lin

Ditto for me. But I can go one step further...it's usually at the end of the day as I'm getting ready to go up to my room for the night. I eventually make it to my room, but usually somewhere around an hour after I've started. Lin

Hi Kathy, It took 5 months for the numbness to wear down...and once it did, I was a basket case. It was just like the first couple of days where you walk around in a fog, in shock, and still don't believe it. Go with your feelings, whatever they are. Crying and saddness are part of the healing. And most importantly, DON'T listen to comments made by those that have no idea what you're going through. I remember everyone saying "at least he's not suffering or in pain any more." I was selfish in the beginning and would have rather had him here with me taking care of him, than gone no matter what. Yes, they were right, but I didn't want to hear it. I wanted him here no matter what the price. Please don't feel like you should be doing or feeling anything in particular...you've just lost your best friend, partner and love of your life, and have every right to feel and act whatever way you want. It's going to hurt for quite some time, but the pain will lessen with time, and eventually you will have some good days too, but for now cry, scream, and do whatever you want, as long as it help you grieve.Also, you may want to look into group counseling. In group, you get to meet and talk with others that are experiencing the same things as you, and it can do wonders for you to talk with them. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. We are here for you...Lin

Dear Derek, I truly understand the "why didn't I do this," and "why didn't I say that," and all of the woulda, coulda, shouldas. For the year before Gene's death, he was not the man I married...he was hurting alot and somehow knew he was going to die within a year. He became a nasty person and kept our sons and I at a distance. He would tell us he was going to die soon and that we should get used to living without him. When repairs needed to be done, he would sit back or give me little assistance so that I would have to do it myself and learn how to do things. This was his way of preparing me for when he was gone...but you are never prepared, no matter how much time you have. We all know that we did our best with what God gave us. I wish things had been different, but they weren't and I'm learning to live with that fact. I believe that your wife's spirit is with you because of your friend, and that's why you're feeling the way you are. Go with it. She loves you and wants you to know she is still with you. God Bless...Lin

You all are exactly who I am looking for in my life...you listen, you're understanding, and I can be myself when I chat with you. Where would I be now had I not found this site. I don't know if I could actually go through with meeting another man, and my son tells me that I would probably compare every man to my husband and that he would most likely be the topic of conversation, and he's probably right, which would be unfair to the other person. Today I'm at that point of confusion and sadness, but fortunately not desperation. We talked about my feelings at group the other night, which really helped. I am looking for a friend, which is what Gene was more than anything else. I think now is not the time for decisions and I think a relationship would confuse me more than I already am, so I will keep posting and continue on with my life and wait to see what God has planned for me next. Thank you for answering my cries for help...Lin

Another BAD day! I can't get past the lonliness. Everything I do, I do alone. Everyone, except me, has moved on with their life. I miss doing the little things with him...talking about the day, working around the house, gardening, getting a bite to eat while shopping, last minute dinner dates. My teenage children are here every night (mostly playing video games), so it's not the same. I'm only 50, and sometimes I think about meeting a widower who is just as lonely as me. Would it be wrong to develop a friendship so that we could do all those things we did with our spouses. Do such relationships exist or does there always have to be intimacy? Is it "too soon?" I feel horrible for thinking about another man, but sometimes the lonliness hurts more than the missing, and when you put those 2 things together, there is such a big void in my life. I live 2500 miles away from my family, and the friends that I've made since moving here 10 years ago, hardly have time for me. I'm not even sure if this is what I want, but I do know I am very lonely and it sucks! Lin

Hi Scotty, You are brave. That was another small step taken that you were able to tell us about it. I still have Gene's ashes (9 months) because he didn't tell me where he wanted them sprinkled. I am not being cremated, so I've asked my children to bury his ashes with me when I die. Bless you...Lin

Dear Singledad2, We all know the journey you are taking, and unfortunately it's a long and painful one, but one that will make you a better person. This is one of "life's lessons." I have found myself to be more understanding and caring toward people, especially those that are having a hard time with illness and death of a loved one. I am the only survivor in my immediate family as I have lost my parents and siblings, but losing my husband has really changed me. I no longer worry about the small things or care about what people are saying. I care about only my children and me, and only the present state and not what tomorrow will bring. It's important to those who love you that you take care of yourself and do whatever is necessary to get through today. Sometimes having a chat with Julie and God will help to understand and see things more clearly. You will find, in time, what works best for you, and when you do just go with it, no matter what anyone thinks. Remember, right now it's all about you and your children and doing what's best to make it through this. We will always be here for you...Lin

Hello Singledad, I am so sorry to have met you, but truly understand your pain. I, too, lost my soulmate of 23 years to cancer just 9 months ago, and my children (16 and 10) lost a super dad. I was somewhat slower than others and thought I had it together, but the truth is that I had been walking around in a fog for 8 months before the fog began to lift and I began to realize that he was really gone, and I was alone and left to manage everything and raise our children. It was at about the 8 month anniversary that I fell apart, so I started group therapy, which I really enjoy and have finally met some very nice people who truly understand what grieving a spouse is all about, and found this site. When they say "how are you?" they really want to know. Posting is great and will help get you through those tough times, especially in the middle of the night when you awake, realize she's not next to you, and everyone you know is comfortably sleeping, and you can't go back to sleep. Please remember, your children need and love you, and are concerned about you. Do whatever you need to do that will help you get through this, and you WILL get through this, as we all are getting through this. I don't want to repeat what many others have already said, but I do want you to know that we totally understand and are here for you...Lin

Hi Shelley, I admire your courage. I remember how I felt when my mom died, 16 years after my dad, I felt so alone. Even though I had my husband (who is now gone) and my children, I still felt like a little kid (I was 42) who had been abandoned. You and I both know that your journey has not been easy, but you seem to be a strong person and I feel in my heart that you will be able to stand alone and stand tall. I always say that you haven't completely experienced life until you experience losing someone you love. It is unfortunate that you have to go full circle to find out where you stand in life, and to gain an understanding of why you are the person you've become. I wish you all the best as you move forward in life. Please keep us posted, and always remember we are here for you...Lin

Hi Jackie, You are definitely doing the right thing by coming here and posting. I can't believe that I'm just 2 1/2 mths shy of 1 year since Gene's passing, and I know I've healed somewhat, not fully, never will, but I am healing. You have a long, painful journey ahead of you, but you'll make it. As time passes, each attack will occur for less time and be less severe. It seems these attacks just happen, but when you get an attack go with it and tell yourself "I'm going to be ok." Only you know what feels right for you, and whatever your remedy is to ease your pain and help you heal is ok. I have different ways of coping, some ways I know would not be accepted by others, but I've lost my husband, soulmate and best friend, and feel very alone at times, so I'll do what is comforting to me to help me get through this nightmare. Remember, we are here for you...Lin

I've often said the difference between acquaintences and friends...acquaintences say "call me if you need anything," and friends call and ask "what do you need?" Lin

Hi Kathy, That is a beautiful letter, one that reminds me of writings I found when Gene died. He had been keeping a journal since 2004. He didn't know for sure that he would be diagnosed with another cancer in 2007, but his writings told of how he felt (physically and mentally) and that he was going to die soon after he turned 60 (he died 1 month after his 60th birthday in 8/07). Somehow he knew, as I'm told most cancer patients do. He wrote about his feelings and relationship with me and our sons. I also found money in an envelope marked "For Funeral." It was amazing how he tried to prepare himself and everything around him for his death, including labeling the cabinets and drawers in his workshop so that I could find tools when needed, and by leaving me a list of tradesmen that he worked with that would be able to help me with home repairs if I couldn't do it myself. In the end, he was concerned about me and our sons, not himself. He was a braver person than me because I still have a hard time accepting he's gone. At times, I also find myself expecting him to walk through the door at the end of the day, even though I know that will never happen again. Lin