flo02

My Mom also died of cancer in the summer of 2002. It is a long process and I really believe I started grieving upon her diagnosis because her cancer had already reached advanced stages when it was found. She lived almost 4 years after finding it however and of those years, only 2 months was she bedridden and weak so for that I am so grateful. There really are no words that someone can say to you that makes you feel better. Things others will say will give you some comfort for awhile but you are mourning probably one of the most important people that will ever be in your life. Please know that I know what you are feeling. I am sorry that your daughter has to suffer this great pain as well. I had no children at the time of my Mom's passing. I have a little girl now though and wish so much she could've known her grandma. If I can help you by just listening or whatever just let me know. The boards aren't very active right now it seems so if you would like to talk to me personally you can send me a personal message and I'll give you my instant messenger name. I have found that grieving is a long road but you will have your good days and bad days. Not getting enough sleep is definitely normal considering all the things running through your mind right now. It will take awhile to let it all sink it. Take care of yourself and your family . May blessings rain on your soul, flo02

I feel your pain. I was in your very same place almost 3 years ago when my Mom died. She was also my best friend and her unconditional love was one that can never be replaced. Your experience is so new though that you will feel like it is a dream for awhile. I would like to say that it gets easier, and in some ways it will. Your life will go on regardless, you will continue to live and have your family to take care of, you'll go to work and come home. All of those things will go on as usual. The times you would love to pick up the phone to call your Mom to tell her about any of those things listed above will never end. I would love so much to be able to pick up the phone and say "hey guess what" but I know it's not going to happen again in this life. Your Mom and my Mom are both at peace now. They know no pain, fear, sadness....it's almost unfair you know. We are left behind to mourn and grieve and they are in peace. But you know, don't they deserve that? For all the times they took care of us and helped us through life's ups and downs. The need to feel my Mom's touch, smell her hair, see her smile, that need will never go away as probably your need won't either. And there is nothing wrong with that I've come to decide. We can't just say "oh ok Mom's gone" pick up and go on like we never knew her. That would be dishonoring the most special person in our lives. We do have to pick up and go on to honor our Moms though because I know my Mom would be extremely disappointed in me if she knew all the tears I still cry for her. She would want me to be strong and go on with a smile as I am sure so does your Mom. With all of that said, take care of yourself, don't be afraid to cry, be angry, scream, write down your feelings in a journal, let it all out. Everything you are feeling is perfectly "normal" if there is such a thing. Also know that you are not alone although you may feel like you are. A lot of other people here know exactly what you are going through and we are hear to listen and help. May God bless and watch over you and your family while you adjust to the life that is now in front of you. And when people tell you to be strong, it IS ok to be weak....she was your Mom after all. Love her and grieve for her and then work on being strong. May blessings rain on your soul, flo02

tootie, Totally understandable....you need to be alone to reflect on what happened in your life 2 years ago. It was something that changed your life and you forever. I remember my experience and I know when the anniversary of my Mom's death comes around yet again this year (this will be year 3) that I will be in my own little world regardless of who is around. And the thing with saying you feel like a bitch, I've felt that way ever since I've lost my Mom. I think the experience hardens your heart somewhat and we try to guard our hearts and emotions with anger and hatefulness. It is so much easier just to be angry. Anyways, don't feel bad for needing your time and I can only send a lot of prayers up on your behalf because they are the only reason I am still here today. Take care of yourself. --flo02

Thank you so much for your replies to this thread. I know it is selfish thinking when I think no one else in the world knows my pain. I feel better to know that I am not alone and in the same thought I am sadden by the fact that there are so many of us out there who experience this pain and guilt on a daily basis. Thank you so much for that article on guilt. It sounds just like me. I go through the if only's so many times and I relive the days I spent with my Mom, the good ones and the bad ones. I would never give a minute up that I spent with her even if I could. And if I hadn't been the one taking care of her I would've never been satisfied with how anyone else would've done it. My Mom is safely resting now in the arms of Jesus and I know that she is at peace and does not hate me for pushing her into the Heaven she lives in now. BUT, there is always a BUT, I just hope that I did not hasten her death and made her lose days of what she could have spent here on earth with us. I am trying to let go and move on but I loved my Mom so much and have had a little girl since she has passed and now realize the unconditional and true love she must have felt for me. I keep telling myself that it's ok for me to feel the way I do but my brother and father and the rest of the family have appeared to moved on in life with ease and here I am 3 years later still obsessing over what I could've done differently and IF Mom were here now.... Anyways, thanks for reaching out and listening to me go on and on.

Thank you for your reply. And I have been angry at God as you said of where to put the blame. However, my mom was so close to God and had such a faith and hope in Him that I could never blame him for taking her. Gosh, I'd want someone who loves me that much to be close to me to just as God knew how much my mom loved and worshipped him. I know that her death would have happened within days of when it actually happened regardless of the medication I was given to use for her. I just run around feeling like I took days from her although she was basically sedated. That last week of her life was the hardest, most tramatic experience I have ever gone through so I tell myself all the time that that is what keeps me up in the air over her death and the loss is b/c I had to be the parent and make all the decisions which is something I'd never done. It is just easier to put the blame somewhere whether I have to carry it myself or not. And the only reason that I began using the medications for her is b/c she had a night that she actually did tell me that she was hurting and needed help and was begging God to help her. At that time, hospice had just starting coming into our home and had not yet left me with medication so I felt helpless that night. I gave her a pain tablet crushed up that she had which she barely choked down b/c she wasn't drinking much water at this time either. Gosh, there is so much to tell and so much to feel and it is with me so much that I could probably write a book and put in detail every hour of that week. All I know for sure is that I miss her so much and feel like I should be moving on by now and letting go of some of this pain/grief but I don't know how. Again, thank you for reading this and your replies.

I am new to the board and this may have already been discussed here but I am having such a hard time dealing with having been my mother's primary caregiver while she died of cancer. We only had hospice in my mother's home with her the last week of her life. My guilt stems from the fact that maybe I used too much of the medications that they gave me to help her. Mom was never one to take pain medication but in the last couple of weeks I couldn't tell if she was in pain and trying to hide it so that we wouldn't worry or if she really didn't have any pain. Well the last week that she was here and I began applying the creams the hospice gave me to use to relieve sick stomach, anxiety, pain, basically an overall relaxation cream. She became more and more sedated through the use of this cream but I applied it just in the case she was in pain b/c I couldn't bare the thought. I always told the hospice nurse what I had done and they said that it sounded like I was doing a good job. However, the Saturday that my Mom passed away, that morning I had put a pain patch on her b/c she seems really squirmy and was moaning some here and there and I just felt like something wasn't right. At this time, she had been so sedated that she wasn't talking anymore in normal conversational ways and seemed to be in that in-between life and death state so I couldn't ask her if she was in any pain and know for certain. So I made the choice to put this patch on her to relieve her of any pain that she might be having. At 5:30 that afternoon my Mom left this world and went home to Jesus. I am glad that she is at rest now, but I can't help but feel like I euthanized my mother now. I have researched the pain patch and have read so many things that say if it is given in too high a capacity it can cause respiratory distress and all kinds of other things that can hasten death. What if I rushed her along? What if my choice was the wrong one? I live with this everyday. And to top it all off, the reason these feelings all resurfaced is b/c of the whole Terri Schaivo thing happening b/c they were afraid the hospice would give her morphine to help speed up the process of death. I don't know what to do or how to feel anymore. No one else thinks that I caused my Mom to die b/c it was her time but I can't help but feel like I hurried it up now. My mother was my best friend and without her my life has been so empty. I think about her all the time and miss her so much is literally makes me sick sometimes. I know that with the type of cancer she had that she would've passed soon anyways but I just wonder if I made the wrong decisions on medication. I am willing to listen to anyone who can help me. Thanks for reading my story.