La Dolce Vita

Derek, I'm sorry about the loss of you wife. Thank you for taking the time to share that with me. I really appreciate it.

Bob, Thanks so much for taking the time to answer. It seems to me that you are spot on in understanding where I am coming from. I hate to be in this position because, as you said, if I say anything then it's like I'm nagging or being insensitive. I am not. I just see my husband and my best friend in a downward spiral - add the 2 other friends to the mix and they all seem to feed off of their negative energy. I don't know what to do. As far as my husband is concerned...thankfully, he has been away on a training exercise for almost 4 weeks now. So, I am hoping that him not being here and also being away from alcohol has given his brain a chance to dry out and maybe give him some clarity. He is a good man. He's just stuck in a bad place right now. Yes, there is someone (military - respected by my husband) that would talk to him. I've been considering that option. It's just scary because it would only work if he did not know I was involved in prompting that conversation. You know, he's a tough guy, who can deal with things on his own. One good thing (I think) is that of the "party people" (a group of 4)- one is leaving for good this Sunday. The widow is planning on leaving sooner rather than later. That just leaves the other instigator in the situation here by herself. She's married to a deployed Soldier. She's just young and naive and I think that when the toxic group dynamic is broken up - she will be left standing alone. So...I guess my main thing is just needing support. I feel like I am all alone because the one person I could usually talk to about anything is not really himself and the one friend I trusted with everything has turned her back on me. Thanks for listening.

Hi! Our friend was killed in Afghanistan this past January. We are stationed overseas with the military. He and my husband were closer than brothers. His death was devastating to a lot of people. He was married and had a 4 year old daughter. Our families were very close. We all got along - they even bought land next to us for when we retire. His widow has decided to remain overseas for a few months to take her time to say goodbye to this military lifestyle. When the notification came, she was at our house. You can imagine - it was devastating. I told her that she was more than welcome to stay at my house. She stayed with us for about 2 weeks until we all went back to the US for the funeral in February. I did everything she asked to relieve her of any stress...helped with the funeral arrangements, opened my home to all of the grieving guests, took care of the kids, etc. I hate to even list things that I did here because I did not do those things for credit. I did them because she's my best friend and they are like family to us. Now we are back and have been trying to get back to normal...although, I know things will never be the same. Since our friend was killed, there has been A LOT of drinking and partying going on. I know that people all deal with grief and death differently and can understand that this might be a phase and it may soon pass. Not a problem. It seems that lately (the past few weeks), my friend (who I've never ever had any issues with in our 7 years of friendship) is pulling away from me and surrounding herself with the "party people" who just want to have fun and drink. However, she is clinging to friendship with my husband - who is following the "party group" as well. I understand her closeness with my husband and that does not bother me. My husband is an extension of her husband and vice versa. I am by no means a prude and am not judging them for their actions - but, it seems like the "party group" is not living in reality. Drinking, missing work, assuming a "What's the point?" attitude. It seems (to me) that they have chosen to make me the "bad guy" in this scenario. I don't know why. I have not changed. I am the same person I have always been. Maybe it's because I am back to work and getting on with my life? Maybe it's because I'm worried about my husband not getting back in the game and thereby possibly jeopardizing his career? I don't know. Add to this the fact that there is also a small child involved (a 4 year old girl who's lost her Dad). Plus, one of the "party people" also has a small child who's sleeping on various couches while the partying is going on. So - with that limited background information, I'd like to ask: Is it a normal part of the grieving process for a widow to turn away from the people they (her and her late husband) have been the closest to in the past? My husband is also dealing with Survivor's Guilt as he is not currently deployed. So, I think that he feels responsible for stepping in to fill the (Daddy) shoes of our friend who was killed. All I want is the best for her and her daughter. I need advice because I'm not sure if she is going down a dangerous path and, if she is, is there anything I can do to help? I feel like I'm all alone in this process. Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!