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singledad2

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Everything posted by singledad2

  1. Kim, You've been dealing with a rather full plate for quite some time. Hopefully the tests will come back negative. You could certainly use a break from the grind of tough news. Hang in there. SD2
  2. Rochel, I'm sorry you had such a rough day. It's been nearly 18 months, and we have yet to scatter Julie's ashes. Though the timing is based on something not emotion-related, I am not looking forward to that task. As for the widow/widower moniker, I think the word sounds absolutely terrible because it matches the feeling of the ones now owning that title. Each time I have to fill out some form or application, I still can't believe I have to check that box. Inside I'm used to brushing right past that, or even not noticing that it's there. For a split second, I think 'no that's not me, that's a title that my grandfather would have.' Then reality slaps me right in the face and I remember that it is indeed my status. I know that it sucks losing your spouse at any age, but being the dreaded 'W' word when you are attending your son's grade school concert is so surreal. I don't know if that churning inside will ever go away when having to claim my marital status. Even if I re-marry some day, seeing that classification available will likely always produce that 'kick in the gut' feeling. It's good you have people close by to help you through rough days like today. You truly learn the commitment of friends who are willing to help hold you together during your most vulnerable times. Just as you offer your assistance to all who enter the sanctum of the HOV forum, please know that we return that offer just as quickly and willingly. SD2
  3. Stuart, So sorry for your loss. It sounds like Heidi was a very special woman, and you were indeed blessed to have her for all the years you were together. Few can comprehend the total devastation that losing a spouse causes. You have come to the right place. The best advice I can give you is to let your grief come out when you feel like it. No one can tell you when you should cry or feel hurt, or feel angry, or all of the above. You've got a rough road ahead of you, but the people on this board are all unfortunate enough to have been where you are. Come here often and read, post, cry, vent, or whatever you feel like doing. Just know that we are here for you when you need us Stuart. SD2
  4. Kat, Many of us are firm believers in signs. From dreams to physical occurrances, I believe our loved ones have a way of letting us know during some of our toughest times that they are still with us--'looking out for us' if you will. These signs can work wonders on our psyche, so just allow them to impact you and enjoy them when they come. Realize that he/she is smiling down upon you and perhaps just tossing a mischevious little grin your way as only he/she and you know the meaning of that sign. : ) SD2
  5. Ted, Though I did not go through counseling, my youngest daughter did and I believe it kept her from spiraling out of control. She was so against it, but she got so much out of it that by the time she stopped, she was very happy that I had basically forced her hand on the deal. As others will tell you though, the impact of counseling is largely dependant on the individual and the counselor. If you and that person can 'gel', I would certainly recommend it. SD2
  6. Rochel, Don't worry about trying to figure out when the tears will stop. The best healing you can do right now is to let them out whenever they start to flow. For me, as more tears fell, it was as if more healing was accomplished. I had four kids at home and I tried my best to hold things in--just to be strong for them. However, when I crashed when I was alone, I crashed very hard. I'm lucky I had a couple of very warm and loving labrador retrievers to console and comfort me. There is just something about the look in the eyes of a pet when you know they know that you are hurting and they want you to know that they are there for you. Everyone is different, but the healing process can vary wildly, depending on the individual. Though I absolutely loved having this site and everyone here to help me through this horrible situation, I found that some of my roughest times were after reading what others had written--even if not to me. I was feeling the same pain as others were--I was angry, hurt, devastated, and alone...all balled up inside of someone who had to hold it all together for others. Those rough times turned out to be healing times. You have come to the right place and the people here are absolutely wonderful. If I were a doctor and I could write you a prescription for your pain, it would be to take at least one dose of HOV daily and call me in 6 months. It may not cure you of your pain, but it certainly helps you make it through the roughest times. Please come here and post as often as you feel the need. SD2
  7. Hang in there Azusaman. There are more of us out here than you realize. I've not posted as much over the past 6 months or so, but the support of the people on this site helped me through that very rough first year. Oftentimes, I just read the posts and replies, and am thankful that the members of our group have such a place in which to turn. We're all here for each other. Drop any one (or all of us) a post any time you feel the need. SD2
  8. These surprises, though sometimes startling, can bring about that inner smile that you can hold onto for days and days. You're still in a very tough spot, so enjoy these little bursts of excitement. I can still vividly recall the night when Julie appeared to me in a dream. It was so real, and gave me a very brief respite from the nightmare that occurred just over 18 months ago. I would encourage you to document in detail (sensory details like sights, sounds, and smells), these signs, dreams, and brief moments so that you can look back on them in a year or two and have excellent recall. SD2
  9. Nebster, I am so sorry to hear of your husband's passing. The questions you ask are very common during these very difficult times. Please don't try to make sense out of Jack's death. Those of us who loved (and still do love) our spouses unconditionally will never understand why sucn incredible happiness had to be cut short by pain and suffereing or sudden death. I won't try to say something magical to help ease your pain. Only time will lighten that very heavy load. I know it seems almost impossible to imagine right now, but the almost unbearable sadness will someday give way to occasional unbearable pain, which will ease even more as time passes. For now, please do as Kathy suggested and take care of yourself. Life after such a terrible tragedy can be overwhelming, and you can simply forget to take care of your most basic needs---which will lead you into a deeper and deeper place of sorrow. You have come to the right place. Please come here often and post as often as you need or want. Each of us has been where you are today, and where you will be tomorrow. We may not have all the answers, but we can provide some wonderful shoulders to cry on. And, you never have to worry about thinking 'he/she has absolutely no idea what I'm going through.' I can't begin to tell you how much the people on this board helped me during my darkest times. We are here for you. Please allow those of us who have been helped the most, to now pay it forward to you. SD2
  10. Kay, When you mentioned visiting Haceta Lighthouse, I had to ask if they got the light working again. I was out on the left coast visiting family in April and that was such a beautiful place. It was sad though that the mechanism was down and the light wasn't functioning at the time. What a wonderful place to relax though. Walking along the Oregon coastline is so peaceful. SD2
  11. Larry'sGirl, I think Jeanne said it very well when she advised you to 'enjoy the time you have here, because it goes so fast.' Compared to the eternity that awaits us in the everafter, life here passes so quickly. I can't tell you where the last 25 years have gone for me! I don't want to give you some Tony Robbins pep talk, but we've each got to search out those things in life that can give us a new sense of belonging, a new sense of worth, and a new sense of happiness. Larry was your life, and he and you had many great years of fond memories. Those cannot be erased, nor can they be replaced by something else. I believe we must search high and low for things that can bring us peace and happiness now. If we fail to do so, the rest of our lives here on Earth will be spent only thinking about what was, or what will be. I'm a firm believer in thinking about 'what is, and what could be.' If we focus on the 'now' and then really work on trying to change those things that make 'now' unpleasant, I believe we can eventually find that new sense of happiness. I apologize if I've oversimplified this process. I know it isn't easy, but please do all you can to lift your chin up, see the world around you not for what it once was, but for what it can be, and begin to make subtle changes in your life that will eventually tip the corners of your mouth in the northbound direction. When you have a good feeling, remember that, and work to try to expand that feeling to a larger timeframe. Take it from an hour to a few hours, then to an entire day. The mind is a very, very powerful tool. Unfortunately, for those of us who have lost the most important person in our lives, that darn mind's power can be used against us to focus more on what we've lost, as opposed to what we still have or what is out there for us. Don't let the bad things that happen to you dominate your mind. Get out and about and discover the wonder that this world has waiting for you..if even on a small scale. Do it while you can, as again, we are here but for a short time. Smile today as often as you can. Get out in your community and smile at everyone. Maybe they'll think your weird, maybe they'll catch it and smile back. Do your part and you will be surprised at how others can help you heal. Now that I've upset everyone who thinks I've 'Tony Robbins'd them, I'll apologize. I've got to go deliver smiles. Make your day a great one. SD2
  12. Karen, Your story is absolutely heartbreaking. It brings back so many memories of the loss of my wife 13 months ago today. She too, died suddenly and without any warning whatsoever. Picturing you watching him as the tear ran from his eye brought tears to my eyes. You sound like you are doing your absolute best to 'keep the machine' rolling. You have come to a great place to vent and to share your thoughts, fears, and other emotions. There are many of us here who prefer this outlet to one of 'face-to-face', though direct grief counseling has certainly helped a good many others I'm sure. You have a long road ahead of you as you attempt to rebuild your life and find a way to discover a new 'normal' that includes everyone you knew before except your husband. Rather than telling you that everything will be alright, I'll be blunt and say that for now, it's going to totally suck! You will think you are being strong and suddenly be reminded of his smile, the mischevious look he sometimes gave you, or the little things he did to show you how much he cared, and you will well up inside and overflow. These are not signs of weakness. They are very real emotions that need to be experienced if the healing process is to begin. Cry as much and as often as you need to. It's okay. If there are times when you feel like smiling or laughing, please do so. You don't have to put on a 'good show' or 'bad show' for anyone. You are someone who has very human emotions and it is completely okay to allow those emotions to come through. Anytime you need to share, please come here to post. There are many caring individuals who have been where you are and have found a way to make it through the darkest hours. Do take care, SD2
  13. Carah, I am so sorry to hear of your husband's passing. You have come to a great place to share, blow off steam, drench your keyboard in tears, and vent anger and hurt. These people are the greatest and each of them has been where you are--just in differing scenarios. You are right that your 10 year-old seems to be taking it better than you. Children have an amazing amount of resiliance. It's why so many of them can go through terrible trauma at a very young age, and act as if they have a fairly normal life. As adults, we all wish we had this resiliance (and their energy)!!!! Don't be afraid to talk to your husband. I talk to my lovely Julie all the time. I lost her 13 months ago and I still hear her voice and long to tell her things that happen to me at the office or in my travels. I find it cathartic to talk to her and to curl up with her pillow at night and imagine me holding her close and sniffing her skin or stroking her hair. To those who have never experienced the loss of a spouse, these may seem strange our counter-productive. For me, they have been like my own little therapy sessions. Crying isn't bad. It isn't an indication of weakness, and it isn't a signal that you are 'losing it.' We've all already lost 'it' with the 'it' being the love of our lives. Now we all must discover and get comfortable with, a new sense of normal in our lives. This can take quite a while, but be sure it is on YOUR time, not someone else's. Take care and do post as often as you feel is needed. SD2
  14. Dear Lost, I'm so sorry for your loss. Fortunately, you have found the right place to come and talk with people who truly know what you are feeling. There are no magic words that can take away your pain. You are right when you say that you will never be the person that you were before Marc. Over time, you will develop a 'new' you that is a sort of hybrid between the very happy, contented person that you were with Marc, and the person that you are now who is a better person for having experienced life with Marc, but who is also emotionally devastated at losing him. If you've read many of the posts on here, you will find that timetables are things set by those who expect everyone to heal at the same rate. Your timetable for healing is truly YOURS. Please come here and post often. There are many wonderful people who will be there for you when you need someone to voice anger, frustration, hurt, pain, and the many other rotten feelings that you will continue to experience for quite some time. As I'm sure you know, you must take care of yourself and your baby. At this point, those are your two most important priorities. If you let your health deteriorate, not only will healing be much more difficult, but your baby will suffer. I lost my wife just over a year ago. I've got four children that I am raising, so I can tell you that things will be tough. Your 'metal' will be tested in the coming year, but you will discover just how strong you can be. Don't doubt your resolve. You will surprise yourself and many others. Hang in there. SD2
  15. Kay and George Erica and Walter Scott and Kate Tom and Mary Linda Janet and Mike Corinne and Jimmy Jeanne and Alex Derek and Karen Rosemary and Lou Bob and Janet Jean and Walter Bob and Mel Teny and Yiany Mark and Julie Betsy and Carl Harry & Sherry Wendy and Steve Jack and John Karen and Jack Jan and Dale Joe and Marsha Larry and Deborah Kathy and Bob Bruce and Gail Pat and Walter (((Jackie ))) and Fred Charlie and Patti Phyllis and David Lawrence and Jackie Paula and Ken Rob and Cindy Alejandra and Ricaard Kim And Dan Kathy and Stephen Betsy and Carl
  16. Kim, I've found that the thing I crave most at this time is some sense of continuity. Change is much more easily accepted when we have someone to share our thoughts and feelings with. A husband and wife or significant other would always be there to put things into proper perspective for us and calm any fears that we might have. With that person being gone, we are left to 'fend for ourselves' in this area. Our built-in support staff is gone and significant change is scary. Things that we thought we'd have plenty of time to prepare for, are suddenly upon us. Kids or grandkids are growing up very quickly in a World, that inside our own minds, seems to have slowed to a snail's pace. We just want the real World around us to slow to that same pace so that we can catch up. I think it's just a matter of letting go of some things that in years past, would have had much less severe impacts on our psyche. Uncomfortable?--yes. The right thing to do for everyone involved?--also yes. As much as we'd like, we can't ask the bus to pull over. We just have to keep rolling and find a way to once again enjoy the ride. I certainly know it's easier said than done. You are a tough lady and you will perservere. SD2
  17. Just hang in there girl. Times will be better at some point, but then again worse at others. We have all become accustomed to riding the emotional roller coaster that life has strapped us into. There are moments when it is so damn scary that we think that it would just be much better to be with our loved ones--and we will be some day. However, the Lord has his plans for us here. I'm still trying to figure out how I fit into the grand master plan, but that is not something that is necessary for me to understand. I just know that there IS a reason why we are still here and we must make the most of our short time here on Earth. I have an eternity to spend with my beautiful wife Julie, and it will indeed be glorious. For now though, I have work left to do here. She would not want me to skirt that responsibility to be with her sooner--of that, I am sure.
  18. One comfort, if you can call it that, is that in Heaven (my belief) there is no selfishness, no hurt, no pain, and no guilt. Those are Earthly feelings that we can sometimes unfairly (to ourselves) associate with our lost loved ones. Unfortunately, these feelings when transferred to others, leave us feeling badly and doubting the sincerity of the promises God has made to each of us. We must trust his word that when we join him, all sadness will be gone. If we do this, we must then assume that the same is true for our loved ones. I believe our lost loved ones would only want happiness and joy for us. They were committed to this when they were here with us--I refuse to believe that they would want any less for us now.
  19. Lisa, We are so, so sorry that you had to join our 'club.' Though we have all found much comfort and love shared through the many posters on this site, I can say with confidence that we all wish we never put in a position to have to look for a forum like this. The pain that you feel is very normal for someone who shared real love. It has been nearly a year since I lost the most wonderful wife and mother ever, and there are days when life is okay for a while, then the reality of never holding her again hits me square between the eyes! If you are wondering if you ever run out of tears, I think I can qualify as an expert on the subject and NO, you never run out. They are always there when you need them!!!! Please post here as often as you like and lean on those of us who are available. We all operate on our own time tables, so there is no 'grief clock' that ticks down until the day you finally begin to feel great. For some, the time will be less. For others--more. You will feel better when you feel better--how's that for a non-commital answer?? Thanks for the photos so that we can put faces to 'Lisa and Sergio.' The photos show much happiness and love between you. It may sound like a corny cliche, but please find joy in the fact that you shared a kind of love (though way too short) that many will never experience in their lifetime. Take care, SD2
  20. Put me squarely in the corner of 'crazy!' I talk to Julie every day and I'm am still 100% crazy in love with that wonderful, beautiful woman who was my best friend, lover, and soulmate. There's lots of pain that sits right next to that love, but I wouldn't trade an ounce of that love for the relief of all the pain. You keep talking to Joe. He only ceases to hear you when you believe that is what happens. Does anyone here believe that we could have made it through all the pain without the love and support of our dearly departed? They were there for us when whenever we needed them when they were here on Earth--how could anyone possibly believe that they would abandon us simply because their Earthly body no longer exists?
  21. What an extremely difficult question. The first 10-15 minutes would be sheer heaven as I would be able to stare into here eyes again and hold her so close and tell here how much I love her and miss her. I would feel her soft skin and take in her sweet smell. Holding her would be euphoric! The next 45-50 minutes would be almost torture as I knew I was moving closer to losing her again forever. Don't get me wrong--I'm not saying I wouldn't want another hour with her. There's just so much I'd like to say and do and that damn clock would be running so fast that I'm afraid our time together would be but a blink of an eye. Now... if I knew that I could have an hour with her every year, that would be like the most heavily concentrated, super-special, out-of-this-world vacation that I could ever imagine. I'd work 90 hour weeks 51 weeks a year in anticipation of having that one hour in that last week to make it all worthwhile!
  22. I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year. Kay and George Erica and Walter Scott and Kate Tom and Mary Linda Janet and Mike Corinne and Jimmy Jeanne and Alex Derek and Karen Rosemary and Lou Bob and Janet Jean and Walter Bob and Mel Teny and Yiany Mark and Julie
  23. If 'strangers' are people that you have never personally met, then I guess we are all 'strangers.' But I wouldn't call people who share and learn about each others life shattering experience, 'strangers.' How many 'family members' have had their spouse/partner torn away from them? How many 'friends' have had to sit alone night after night, hoping that they would wake up from the most terrible nightmare ever? Sharing is when each side has something to give. Our friends and family are lucky that they aren't 'sharing' in this experience. The sharing in this forum is from people who want to talk, share, unload, or find comfort from each other. Unfortunately, everyone here has something in common--the extremely strong wish that we all had NOTHING in common! Kay, you have been through hell and back. No one should go through what you've experienced, but you are making it. It's not easy, and it's not over, but you will emerge from your experiences a much stronger, more resilient woman. I am a firm believer in the saying 'what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.' I just wish that none of us had to be the 'human guinea pigs' for this saying. This Christmas season, let's all try to spend a little time reflecting back on happier times and realize that our special someone is looking down on us from above and providing us with the strength to move forward. If we didn't believe that, who among us believes that we could handle alone, the terrible hand that life has dealt us? Close your eyes and see his/her smile when you walked into the room. See the way that his/her eyes lit up after you returned after being gone for a while. Hear their laughter when you told a corny joke. Breath deeply and take in the smell of their skin as you held each other. The mind is a very powerful and awesome tool that can provide us with very distinct memories. Don't let those fade away--use those memories to help get you through the rough times. Take care all, SD2
  24. Jenn, Your feelings of simply 'existing' are ones that we all go through. It feels like you will never be able to be happy again. It SHOULD feel that way! We've lost the one person in our lives that we planned on spending our forever years with. I am just 9 months into this journey and I can't imagine being with anyone other than my wife. If/when I begin dating again, it will be so unfair to compare her to Julie--it's a game no one could win! I'm sure that no one could ever live up to the magic that Eric created for you and your children. I don't know when the pain stops Jenn. Just when I think I'm doing 'better', something triggers a very detailed vision or memory of something she did or said, and it's like March 31st all over again! I do know that those moments are becoming less frequent--no longer 30-40 times a week. Now they are down to about 10-12. I ran into an acquaintance at the supermarket recently. He lost his wife to breast cancer 4 years ago. I hadn't seen him in probably 7 years. He made it a point to offer his condolences and tell me that it was going to be rough for a while, but that with good friends and family supporting me, the pain would lessen. This was a big, rough, tough ranch hand who had been taken to his knees by the loss of his beloved wife, and had climbed his way back up to find happiness--not without scars, but happiness that worked around those scars. The scars are still there and always will be. However, the Lord provides us with a resilience that allows us to heal emotionally over time. Jenn, I don't know what to expect out of my healing process. Time seems to be flying by so fast right now, so I guess I'm not impatient in that regard. I admire you so much for your strength in handling everything with your children. Though they can provide you with opportunities to spend every waking moment caring for them and avoiding the hurt, I would encourage you to find some time each day to work on healing yourself. I've found that having conversations with Julie about our family and the things she was so good at, is very helpful to me. I feel like she is guiding me and that she is still playing a major roll in the decision making process with our four kids. Again, this doesn't stop the pain that comes flowing through, but it does allow me to maintain some balance in my life and also a feeling that I am not all alone in this effort. Please continue to post and share. We are all here for each other. It's okay to hurt. SD2
  25. I know this is one of those times of year that are the toughest for most of us. I wanted to try to start a thread that would help us to recall happier times. My best holiday moment was our first Christmas together when my wife and her kids joined me and my two kids and we crammed our new family into my home to be one family. Although the kids surely don't look back fondly on having to share a room with their sibling, Julie and I knew that we had each found that special someone that we were meant to enjoy forever. I remember snuggling by the fire at night and looking into her eyes and knowing that it simply couldn't get any better than that! It's like Santa Claus was real and sent me the best gift I could have ever hoped for! In kid terms, Julie was my 'red rider BB gun, rockem' sockem' robots, electric racecar track, my first guitar, and all of my other 'best gifts ever'---all rolled up into the most wonderful person I could have ever have hoped for. Though I still get down and feel sorry for myself way too often, I recognize how truly lucky I am to have spent over 7 years with one of God's most beautiful creations. Merry Christmas to all of you! SD2
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