Hi, I just recently lost the light of my life...04/18/05. This was so sudden and unexpected. I have a 14 yo son. He wasn't sick and went to work on 04/18 as usual like any other day and I had just talked to him that morning. He was only 42 and I am 39. Within a half hour after talking to him, his boss pulled up and she told me that I had to go to the hospital because something happened to my Charlie. He was a plumber, the best in town and everyone knew him well. When I got there, he hadn't even arrived in the ambulance. It was about 15-20 minutes later that the ER clerk told me that he just arrived and they were working on him. All I knew at this point was that he just collapsed and they had to revive him. Five minutes later, the chaplain came out and that's when I knew it was serious. He pulled me and my husband's boss into a private room and revealed my worst fears, my husband hadn't regained consciousness and they were trying to revive him again. When the doctor who was working on him came in, my world came crashing in. I just had his wake on Saturday and scattered his ashes in the sea as he wished. It's been a week and three days now and I am hanging on by a thread. We were together 21 years. High school sweethearts. I want to just lay down and die, but I know I have to go on for our son, but I feel like my heart and soul are missing. I know he is in a better place and pray he didn't suffer. I guess it hurts so much because he was so healthy and noone can tell me why his heart stopped beating and we are still in shock I guess. I can't bring myself to sleep in the room now that family and friends have gone home. My son and I both have been on the couches these past two nights alone and everywhere I turn I am reminded of what I no longer have. We couldn't wait to grow old together. My son asked me the day it happened, who will teach me to drive next month on my birthday now that Daddy can't keep his promise. I don't know how to live my life without him. They say time will heal the pain, but for now when will the fear and the tears slow. I feel bad because the few friends that I still have here, try their best to console me and my family calls me everyday to check on me and though I thank God for the support, how do I keep the tears and thoughts from thinking about my loss because I know my sadness hurts them to see. I want to be strong but at the same time, I feel I am barely holding myself together. For a week I couldn't sleep without the aid of a pill, and I don't want to numb my pain but now that I have tried to sleep without them, I am up until the wee hours of the morning and the only sleep I get is that when I pass out from exhaustion. I don't even think financially, I will be able to stay where I am and will be forced to move back home with family to help support me emotionally. Everyone tells me that it will be harder for me to stay where everywhere I look or go will only bring memories of my life with my husband. And all our friends are here. I don't know what to do now. Any advice on how I can learn how to just breathe and get off the couch in the morning without having to talk myself into it?
