I will apologize up front, this may be a bit long... I am new to the message boards and working to find a support group. I am a 35 year old married female and mother to an 18 month old little girl. I spent my entire pregnancy watching my mother deteriorate and eventually pass away when my daughter was 7.5 months old. I have spent the last several years very angry with my mom. She had breast cancer, a very large mass, for 3 years before she went to the doctor. She felt she could heal herself. She went through chemo, a mastectomy, and radiation. About 18 months later, the cancer reappeared in her lungs, liver, bones and eventual brain. Her death was horrible! I watched someone full of life, more full of life than most of us, deteriorate to nothing. She became horribly nasty and rude, she said a lot of hurtful things to all of us, especially me as she was dying. There are things she said that are still tearing me apart...ie, "your are not a good mother, you expect too much from your daughter, and you are too hard on her". When I was breastfeeding she told me "I just wasn't cut out for it", days before she died, she told the doctor that I wanted her dead and the list goes on and on. My mother was a very manipulative, controling, opinionated woman who expected me to be perfect. Each day I struggle with it and each day I struggle with my emotions, somthing I wasn't really ever to explore growing up. If I cried, I was told to basically turn it off. At this juncture, my mom has been gone just over 10 months. I was angry for the first 2 months and was suffering from post partum depression. I still find little things anger me to the point where I become nasty to my husband. I am not a mean person, I just don't have a means to vent and I don't feel I have anyone that understands how I feel. I am so empty inside. The pain is so unbearable. And to top it off my father is already engaged! My parent were together 39 years! Anyone know or have some suggestions on how to cope, what to read etc? I have no support from family, even my own father is little support, and each day is a bit of a struggle. We are raising our daugther alone. I have no aunts, sisters, grandparent or parents to go to. Most of my friends have built in babysitters or family to help with questions...we are on our own. I am a bit resentful, but moreover ANGRY she left us!
