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sync

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Everything posted by sync

  1. stellar, i am so very sorry for the loss of your father. i too struggle with releasing my emotions. they bubble to the surface and i push them back down, consciously and unconsciously. i was with a grief councillor yesterday, and by talking she discovered through my responses that growing up i was never allowed to "have my feelings" - it was "quit your crying" or quite literally being told that i wasn't feeling a certain way when i knew that i was, of course. unreleased emotions are very disruptive and damaging. there are many techniques you can use to get them out. i like this website: http://www.mkprojects.com/fa_emotions.html sometimes the emotions are buried so deep you have to coax them out by just getting emotional about something. anything. anger is a good one. pound something - often pillows are recommended so you don't hurt yourself. and do not feel silly or guilty about doing this. children experience every emotion a human being can - almost on a daily basis! it's interesting to watch 2 children fight, be angry, then cry - and they are playing together as best friends 15 minutes later! most adults have lost this beautiful part of being human. there is nothing to fear in any emotion. ((((hug))))
  2. unfortunately i did nothing yesterday to remember my father. i thought about doing something, but never did it. i am not too happy with myself.
  3. i try to act like all the ads for father's day don't have any affect on my - but they do - they all remind me that he's not here. but i will try and honor him in some way this sunday.
  4. Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery. -- F. Alexander Magoun
  5. a great idea. i wish i could remember a specific father's day memory, but i can't right now. what my father did enjoy, however, was his dessert. every father's day dinner was ended with a dessert that he would certainly enjoy more than the meal! he did love his sweets! he would eat a large piece of cake and 2 scoops of ice cream with a certain reserved gusto. love you dad.
  6. great post! i love these kinds of recollections. truly death is not the end, it is a transformation!
  7. i did some more stream of consciousness writing last night. i think i have a long road to go yet - whenever i tried to bring up a memory of him, nothing would really come. it's kind of like staring into a pool of murky black goo - you know there are all these memories and feelings just under the surface, but they won't come out. after several tries i did get one memory out. but i was shocked by how little i can recall of him right now, apart from the horrible events surrounding his death. i called my sister and she asked me if i had a picture of him to look at. i do, somewhere. but then it got me thinking about that - i haven't really looked a picture of him in 2 years. not really sat down and looked. glanced, yes, a fleeting, self-protective glance, but not a good, long, hard look at the man who gave me so much.
  8. thanks leeann! i just wish i would have taken these steps earlier instead of waiting so long! i am certainly enjoying this dialogue and i will of course keep posting! ((((((hugs!)))))))
  9. thanks so much MartyT! i have been realising lately that i have not really spoke about my father to anyone at all in the last 2 years. hardly at all. i mean, i've mentioned him, and said things like, "oh, dad used to do that"...but i haven't really sat down and talked about him or my experience. and i wonder why i can't sleep at night?
  10. i have had a few panic attacks in the past. not fun. i too have avoided taking ativan, even though i have been proscribed it several times i think i have really only ever, in about 10 years, taken 3 or 4 pills! it's strange how the attacks can seem to come from nowhere. about a month ago i went for a run, came home, took a shower, and got into bed to read. very normal for me. 20 minutes later i was having a panic attack for apparently no reason. except there was a reason, of course. all the times in my life where i've had panic attacks, the underlying cause was massive change that i was not dealing with consciously. my first panic attack occured when i decided to leave everything and all my family and friends and move to a new city. after a few months there i hated it, and moved again, close to my parents and family, yet still dealt with low level anxiety a lot of the time. in hindsight now i realise that my life was ripped apart, albiet by my own doing, and that part of me had died the day i left my comfortable existance in the city of my birth. part of me had died, and i hadn't taken the time to consciously accept that and mourn it properly. just like a month ago, when i wasn't consciously aware of how painful and horrible it's going to be to plan my upcoming wedding and know that my dad will not be there. just remember, it's not always going to be like this. it's not. peace.
  11. thank you so much for the kind replies! on the advice of my sister, who is very active in her grieving, i took some paper and pen last night and just wrote - stream of consciousness - all my thoughts on the paper. it was strange and frightening and interesting what came out. then i burnt it. i actually fell asleep last night, albeit after a few attempts - no pills - and got a good 5.5 hours in. my sister also told me that she thinks that my recent bouts of insomnia could also be due to that fact that i am now planning my wedding, along with my beautiful future wife, of course, and that whether i realise it consciously or not, my father is not going to be there. such a major event in my life and he is not going to be there. it's a tough pill to swallow. yesterday, i called my local hospital's grief support and made an appointment with them to be placed in a group setting. i am going on monday for a 1 hour meeting. my voice was cracking as i told the person on the phone, "yes, i lost my father...yes, in may of 2006". why is it that i can stifle my emotions around my family and friends, but when a complete stranger offers me their ear i break down? my employer actually put me in touch with his therapist, who he raves about, and said he would cover the cost of 1 session a month for me for a year. he loves her, and told me she can definitely help me. i must admit that i am scared to take these first steps - because i'm like that - i normally run away from things. always have. i think i am also scared because in my family i am usually the happy, joking, energy guy. but right now i don't feel like i can be that. it's funny how someone's death can make you take a long, hard look at yourself as well. i guess i just find it hard to ask for help. and i need it. why is that so hard to admit? even as i type this, i'm thinking, no, don't tell them you need help! but i am feeling the love of all you. it's quite powerful really. i hope this dialogue can continue.
  12. Hi everyone! I need to, finally, tell my story, so please bear with me. My father died on May 28, 2006. I cried for 4 days. After the funeral I stopped crying and really haven't cried about him since. He died suddenly, and even though he had 2 kinds of cancer - he was responding well to treatment, and had gone back to work the month preceding his death. He said he was feeling good. Things were turning around. On Saturday, May 27, he cleaned and organized his garage, a place he loved very much. That evening had a stroke. He went into the hospital that night, and I visited him there. He seemed stable when I saw him, and even though his speech was slightly slurred, I spoke to him about the fortunes of his favourite hockey team that night, and he told me he'd see me tomorrow - so my mother assured us we could see him in the morning. Me and my girlfriend went home to get some sleep. The phone rang Sunday morning. It was my mother. She said, "it's not good." I can't describe to you the vacant, strange feeling I was under as we drove back to Hospital. My family gathered at the hospital. The doctors told us my father suffered massive brain trauma over night and was effectively brain dead. He was being kept alive by a machine. After what seemed like a frighteningly short time, the family decided to "pull the plug". I got to spend a few minutes with him, alone, and I said goodbye, and I crossed his forehead with some holy water from a styrofoam cup that the hospital priest had blessed. After everyone had some alone time with him, we all gathered, and with a nurse, shut down the machine that was keeping him breathing. I will never forget the sound of his death rattle. I can hear it so clearly now even as I type this. And just like that he was gone. He was 65. I went outside. The sky was ragged. The rest of 2006 was a blur. After the funeral, I feel like I never felt anything the entire year. Yes, he was dead. I could say it as matter-of-factly as stating the sky was blue. In 2007 I was engaged in a plethora of social engagments that kept me busy all through May, June, July and beyond. I would say certain things about my Dad, mainly in an effort to deflect any negative emotions that were in me or in any of my family. But while my mother and sister seemed to be going through a hell of a time, it seemed like business as usual for me. Now it's 2008. Since the beginning of May I have been hardly sleeping. I got some pills from my doctor but I hate taking them. It makes me feel like I am weak to need them. Sometimes I can't sleep for 3 days. I'm not sure what's going on. Strangely, I went to Vegas for a week, and slept fine there. Came back home, no dice. I am beginning to feel like I have not properly mourned or grieved my father's death. When I am rested, I don't think about him. I just busy myself with other stuff - but when I get tired and am going on 6 hours sleep over 3 days - I can't keep my emotions in check. Things start to come out. Is this classic delayed grief? How can I start letting my emotions out? It's hard for a male sometimes to be vulnerable, even in front of my now fiance. She likes to tell me I have to move on. But how can I when the process isn't complete yet? I feel like I've built this wall around myself - I feel like I am mostly passive in dealing with this - that somehow it will magically just work itself out if I just sit here and do nothing. There is a folder on my computer right now called "dad". I know what's in it because I scanned all the pictures before his funeral 2 years ago. I have looked at the folder several times since then. I have never opened it - not once. The DVD I made of these pictures - I can honestly tell you I'm not sure where it is right now. I think I am slowly starting to realise that he is gone. He is gone. It has been raining here for nearly a month straight. How can I start this journey?
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