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Jan Thurman

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  1. Thank you all very much for thinking of me. I did not see it until today as I have alot going on with moving and with my mom in a foster home so I haven't been logging on lately. My daughter, me and my grandson did a little memorial. My son-in-law had to work. It was a dreary showery day but we went down to the river where we had put Dale's ashes. We walked out onto the bridge across the Siuslaw. I had written Dale a letter so I tore it up in tiny pieces and threw it in the river. Then I had bought a dozen roses and we pulled all the petals off and threw them in the river. Then I popped the top on a can of Coors Beer which was the only brand my husband drank. Then the sun started shining. I took a couple of swigs of beer (which I hate the taste of) and then poured the rest into the river. At that very moment a bird sang. I said to my daughter is that a bird singing she said yes, and I think it is dad thanking you for the beer. We walked through the campground for a ways and talked and then we went to the Gingerbread House where we always used to stop and eat on the way to the coast and had lunch. I am in my 4th support session and I go out with my new friend that I met in my second support group session who lost her husband just over a year ago. We belong to a knitting group and I am knitting like crazy. I find it so relaxing. I just want to get this moving over and done. Not sure if my mom will ever be able to come home and live with me - but even if she can I am really not ready to look after someone yet I'm still trying to look after myself and until then she will have to stay in the foster home. It is a wonderful place and I have no worries with her being taken care of. Again, thank you for your thoughts and I hope all of you are getting through this terrible journey that we all are on. Jan
  2. I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year. Kay and George Erica and Walter Scott and Kate Tom and Mary Linda Janet and Mike Corinne and Jimmy Jeanne and Alex Derek and Karen Rosemary and Lou Bob and Janet Jean and Walter Bob and Mel Teny and Yiany Mark and Julie Harry & Sherry Wendy and Steve Jack and John Karen and Jack Jan and Dale
  3. Hello, I'm sure glad someone else is feeling the same way I have been feeling. That is why I haven't even wrote anything on here. Alot of people on here have so many other problems besides losing their spouse that mine seem so small, but to me at this time in my life any problem seems big. What with trying to cope with the first holidays without my husband of 40 years it is very hard to cope with everything that is going on in the world. We would always discuss everything and no matter how bad it would get (financially) for us I would always say to him - it might be bad right now but we have each other - and now I can't say that and I just get so sad. Also, my 90 year old mother fell and fractured her arm at the shoulder. I could've handled it so much better if he was here beside me but I just fell apart and my daughter has had to handle most of it. She is doing pretty good now and is in rehab close to where I work so I am able to go and see her every day. Then there has been the weather - snow and ice that I am not used to driving in. When it got that bad my husband would take me to work and pick me up. Now I have to get through it on my own. I feel I can't talk to people about how I feel because they seem to look at me and I see them thinking - it's been 9 months get over it. I haven't done any christmas shopping and didn't even decorate the office like I usually do. I just can't. I told my boss yesterday, if one more person says to me have a wonderful christmas I'm going to kill my self. I wouldn't, but you just want to yell at them and say how can I. I made a friend in my last support group session and she called and left a message and asked if I was okay because of my mom but I haven't even felt like calling her and talking about how I feel as I don't want to upset her as I'm sure she is not feeling in the christmas spirit. So I'm glad to know that it is not just me that feel this way. Thanks for listening. Jan
  4. I was wondering if anyone else is feeling the way I am lately. In the beginning I guess I was numb to everything else that was going on around me other than the death of my husband. But once that numbness wore off and you are back to reality with the economy, financial stresses, working and my mothers alzeihmers I feel that I don't have time to grieve and it is stalling the process and getting me stressed out about it. My daughter who has been my rock through all this had her hours cut in her job and is trying to find work to make up those hours so she has been very stressed lately and every time I have felt that I needed to sit and talk to her about her dad she either has so much to do or I feel that she is too busy to listen to me that I don't even try. She said that she feels so bad that she can't be there for me right now but that she has alot going on in her own life and I definitely understand that. I do have my support group but there is such a large group this time that you don't have very long to pour your heart out. I have made a friend from the group - a lady that lost her husband about the same time I lost mine. We went out to dinner the other nite and talked for a couple of hours. That was nice. A person in my group mentioned that his marriage is falling apart and is causing him so much grief that he can't grieve his son dying properly because of the stress of his marriage and that made me think of how I feel with all the other stresses in my life now. Thanks for listening. Jan
  5. Today is 8 months for me and on Saturday it will be his birthday. I had a really big melt down last nite. But I got my journal and wrote him a letter. Afterwards I felt better. Then today I went on to myfamily where the Thurman family has a web page. His birthday came up so I clicked on it and saw that alot of the family had gone on to wish him a happy birthday. I started crying again but because when he was alive he never got a call to wish him a happy birthday from any of his nieces and nephews who were on the webpage wishing him a happy birthday. On Saturday (his birthday) my daughter said let's go out for the day to the movies and to the mall with my grandson so that will help. Also my husband always cooked for Thanksgiving. He loved to do it. We don't want to cook so my daughter has planned a trip away for us and we will go out for Thanksgiving Dinner. Jan
  6. It was one that my mom bought for him and I never did like it anyway so maybe that was also my reasoning. Our dog sleeps on his side and she is such a creature of habit that I would be in trouble if I changed that part of her routine. ha ha. Her world was turned upside down so much also that she was on tranquilizers for a while also. We are both off of them now so that is something good. I have not been on this site very long but I just wanted to say, Wendy, that I am glad that you have found someone. I think you are much younger than me. I am 61 and was married for 40 years for the second time - so I have literally been married all my adult life so this is very strange. But goodluck to you in your new adventure. Jan
  7. No, this was not my husbands recliner. I had to get rid of that one as everytime I looked at it I saw him sitting there and it upset me too much. Jan
  8. I'm glad to see that someone else has been sleeping in a recliner. It will be 8 months next month and I have finally started sleeping in our bed. Our dog is also glad that I'm back in there. It is still hard but I make myself get up and go in there. I also get a better nites sleep. I have changed my room around once and bought 2 different comforters. I'm still thinking about changing the room again but not sure. But for now I'm glad that I am back in there. Jan
  9. Thank you all for trying to answer my question. I know this is a hard subject to talk about and I hope I didn't upset anyone. I will take all of your views on the subject and have them try to help me through this deep dark hole they call grief. I will continue to read the book I was told to read and see if that sheds any light on the subject. I feel all of your pain as I know you all feel mine. This is a journey I never thought I would be on until (like I said before) in our 80's or 90's but I am and I must get through it somehow. My support group starts again on November 5th right before my husbands birthday on the 8th so I am looking forward to that. This is my 3rd session. Thank you all again for taking the time to answer my post. Jan
  10. I feel for you. My husband died the same way on March 4th. He was retired and I went to work, like I always did, and said goodbye see you later. A few hours later I got a call that he had collapsed at the place he used to work as he used to go by and see them. When I got to the hospital he was in a coma on life support. For a week they did the cooling down and warming up to see if he would come out of it. I truly believed that he would. I was so medicated that I really don't remember much. They said that after the week I said to take him off life support but I could've said cut my arms off and I wouldn't have known the difference. As you said in the weeks following that moment that the person called me on the phone played over like a movie in my mind - over and over and over again. Right now I am going to deal with his birthday coming up on November 8 and then, of course, the holidays. I too feel like it is getting worse but not better but I read alot of the other posts that say it will get better and that is what I have to believe. Like you say, if you have to go on like that until November 17 you will feel insane. My thoughts are with you - you are not crazy - if you are we all are. And, yes, they do say that if the death is unexpected like our husbands were it is alot worse. I was married 40 years - but be it 10, 20, 30 or 40 it all feels the same. Jan
  11. I have never been a religious person. But it seems that when you have such a tradegy in your life like losing a husband of 40 years that you seem to turn that way because you are looking for an answer. In every thing that I seem to read and also in the book that I was told to start reading (You're Late Again Lord) it talks about the plan that God has in store for you. Why I get so upset is that I was completely happy with my old plan - being with the love of my life until we were, say, 90 years old (not just 60). So why take my wonderful plan away and make me so miserable because He has a plan for me and I must not be impatient I have to wait and see what it is. I was completely happy being married, in my cozy little house, with my cozy little life, and my wonderful husband so why make me so miserable and make my cozy little house cold and my cozy little life upside down and take my wonderful husband which leaves a great big hole inside me that I feel will never heal. Does anyone have an answer for me. Thank you. Jan
  12. I have asked the same questions. What did I do, what have I done. They were all going to be there for me when it happened but then poof they all disappear. Even though sometimes I don't know how I have got up to go to work I believe that it was the best thing for me. Do you work. I am 61 and we were married 40 years - like you a long time. Do you have any family in the area. It is weird that the one person that has not left me is my husband's ex-wife. We spoke the other nite for 2 hours. She emails me all the time to see how I'm doing and calls me. We have always been friends. Well not always (ha ha) I was the other woman (ha ha) I have known her since I was 12 and used to babysit for them (ha ha). Hope that gave you a little smile. My husband was 7 years older than me. Have you been to a support group. I will start my 3 session on November 5. They take a month off after every session and I have truly missed it. Jan
  13. No, it is not you. The same thing has happened to me. I am only into 8 months but feel like it is getting much worse and not better. I know I have said this before but my own brother-in-law and his wife (my best bud) have been over once for 10 minutes in 8 months - have never asked me to dinner - have never asked me out to dinner. No one comes and sees me or calls. If it wasn't for my daughter that lives on the next property and for my work I would see no one and talk to no one. My husband's sister lives across the street from me and she never comes over. I went over to her house the other nite just for someone different to talk to. Seemed so glad to see me but then never comes over to me. I can't give you a reason but I can let you know that it is not you - many people on this website have told me the same thing has happened to them. I just hope this get's easier but I don't know. Take Care. Jan
  14. Tears, I am so sorry. That happened to me. It was not my stepson. I don't know what I would do if it did happen to my stepson as we are very close. But my husband died on March 4th. In August we were supposed to be going to his nephew's wedding but I just didn't feel up to it being that my life had been turned upside down. So he got married and they went to Fiji on their honeymoon and a week later he got killed in a car accident. He was a Marine and had done 2 tours in Iraq and not a scratch on him. They were married for 3 weeks. I did go to the funeral as I was sure that my husband wanted me to go but it was close to where I lived. All I would think of is at least I had 40 years with my husband but she only had 3 weeks. Take care. My thoughts are with you. Jan
  15. Hello Barb, so very sorry for your loss. This is a great website to belong to but if there is a grief support group in your area that you can attend I would greatly suggest it. I am starting my 3rd session with my support group on November 5th and it has helped me so much. My husband died on March 4, 2008 I felt that I was doing well but now have felt like I have taken some backward steps and as I have read on this site that is natural especially as I have his birthday on Nov. 8th and then the holidays. We were married 40 years. Keep coming back to this site with any questions that you may have and you will always get kind and sincere answer. Take Care. Jan
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