Just want to say that reading all the posts here has helped me to some degree. My mother passed on 2/28/08. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1994 and it was in remission for 8 years. I really thought she had it beat. In 1992 it recurred. Ever since then it was a nightmare. Even though she was physically doing well for the next 5 years, she was depressed and I never knew what to say or what to do to try to make her feel better. In April 2007 she had trouble breathing and entered the hospital for a month. Was on a respirator, needed a pacemaker, developed a perforated ulcer, etc. Then her kidneys began failing and she started dialysis. She left the hospital in May 2007 and from there on it was dialysis every other day and multiple doctors appts. each week. Because all the cancer treatments had damaged her heart, she was soooo tired you would have to force her up to go to dialysis. I did everything I could to try to keep her safe. I would lay awake at night listening to hear if she got up because I was afraid she would fall. It was a year of worrying constantly. We didn't have the best relationship over the years, but I hope that she realized that my attention to her during the last year showed her how much I cared. After she passed, I seemed to be able to manage for the first few weeks. I think I came to terms that she was at peace now and was no longer suffering. After a few weeks though, I began to realize what her passing meant to me. She would no longer be there for me and I started to feel no longer safe. I think still living in the house is not helping as it is a constant reminder of her. The worst part I still am dealing with is the images of her the last two months of her life. Being bald from the chemotherapy, being so thin, starting to hallucinate, falling down, sitting at dialysis, etc. Whenever I picture those images I begin crying. Being at work during the week is easier to cope than being home on the weekend. I wish I had done things differently during the past 5 years in order to have had a better relationship with her, but I was so frightened of the cancer that I was almost paralyzed. I was afraid to talk to her about it as I thought it would upset her. When I would have to go on a business trip for a few days for work she would say "I'm going to miss you." Now I miss her so much. My brothers didn't offer too much help during the ordeal and now I have to deal with those feelings as well. I am thinking of going to a counselor as it seems to be getting worse instead of better. I think I need some medication. I would like to move on with my life, but it is so difficult. After focusing on someone else for so long, I don't know how to go back to focusing on myself. Sorry for rambling, but I just wonder what my life would have been like if cancer had not invaded my family. I know many other families have dealt with this and I give them all a lot of credit for getting through it.
