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kayc

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About kayc

  • Rank
    KayC
  • Birthday October 7

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    spouse
  • Date of Death
    June 19, 2005
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Eugene OR

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Oakridge Oregon
  • Interests
    I lead a grief support group and I enjoy volunteering in my church (Treasurer & on Praise Team, choir) and the senior site, where I do the bingo prizes. I love stamping, hiking, nature, singing. I am a retired Office Mgr./Bkpr.

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  1. Wade, I have Asthma and you have just given me more information than any doctor has ever given me about it. Perhaps it will save my life someday. I am so sorry for your experience, that you and your son have lost the most important person in your lives, ripped away so young, in just a split second. I wish you well in your fight in court. She deserves her day. How do you go on, that is the question all of us have asked, how do we continue when the biggest piece of our puzzle is missing? I wrote this at about ten years out, the things that I've found helpful, I hope even one thing in it helps you, if not today, someday...the most helpful thing of all I've been told is taking one day at a time...but I want you to know also that finding this forum was a lifesaver to me. It's been so helpful to know there are others that get it and understand. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  2. I was going to tell you the same thing about the posts but I see Gwen already covered it. I suppose. I always thought we had some degree of control by our choices/actions, how we live, how we take care of ourselves, etc., of course there is our genetics thrown into the mix. But in the end it is our time up thing. I look at it like playing a hand of cards that we're dealt, both how we play and what we're dealt that affect the outcome. He did everything he could to stay here for you. April 11 seems to be a day of significance for you...in my family we had a day such as that...Sept. 17. It was the day of my sister's horrible accident, her losing her three year old, her becoming quadriplegic, my other sister's brain damage causing her falls throughout her life. After I married I found out my husband had a motorcycle accident with his brother, same day, same year, they had to piece his face back together, his brother suffered brain damage. They were in the hospital the same day as my family...20 years to the day, my MIL passed away. When I got the call (I'd been taking care of her as she was bedridden with cancer, during the daytime for three years) I realized it was September 17 and I felt a chilled feeling all over, my husband told me it was just a day, not to read anything into it, but it still gave me that feeling all the same. Just a day. I don't imagine it feels like just a day to you either.
  3. That nurse may have taken it out of my hands, but the moment before when I cried out to him to hang in there, I was doing the same thing you were...I wasn't accepting him leaving me! It takes a while for us to process this! And George had time that weekend to process it, I didn't. I had just been shown the test results. And who knows, my crying out may have been what prompted the nurse to throw me out. She had no way of knowing what was deep inside of me. Her action that moment was defining, it was huge, it impacted him and I, it ripped away my choice to be there by his side. They wouldn't have even known he was having a heart attack to call the code and come running, had it not been for me...I was the one who alerted them, they weren't paying any attention, they were chattering idly at the nurse's station. So what right did they have to toss me out in his last moments? To take away the right to see him into his next stage of life...the hereafter. AAlfred Lord Tennyson said "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I agree, but I've heard widows say they wish they'd never met their husband so they wouldn't be in pain now. Not me. I could never wish that. All of the pain is more than worth it for me to have known the most wonderful person in the world, the person that loved me the truest, that brought me the greatest moments of happiness. Oh that I could have that again! But alas I have yet to have glimpsed a moment of it. I have a friend who remarried after her husband's death, they are very happy. One of them is sure to lose the other someday and have to go through this loss again, but for these moments of happiness that they have found, it is worth it. They realize that, but they are living life in the moment. I helped talk her into it. I hope she doesn't hate me for it someday. I just don't see that living in fear of what could be is the way to live...to miss something wonderful just because you're afraid of losing it.
  4. Just remember, people's actions speak louder than their words. It's not so much what he said but what he did that speaks loudly...it tells you everything you need to know. If he ever came back and said yada yada yada, it wouldn't matter...you still have the image of what he did in your brain! Yeah, sometimes we don't FEEL strong, but I look at what I've gone through and survived and can only draw the conclusion that I AM strong. That doesn't equate to always feeling it though. And I did love having a partner (George) that went through thick and thin with me, someone who when he held me, I felt all was right with the world. Someone I could talk things over with. Someone I knew loved me, cared about me, had my back. It meant all the difference in the world. When you have someone like that and lose them to death, you have to learn to be all to yourself, treat yourself with understanding and patience, be kind to yourself, be your own best friend, pamper yourself. In the same way, when you lose someone to breakup, it's important to do this too. What we once got from that other person, we must now give to ourselves. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. You ARE, you know?
  5. This is a process, a life long process, you have all the time in the world, take a day at a time, whatever you can handle right now, try not to worry about everything at once, it all feels a bit much! Every person here has felt that way, still does a lot of the time! The only difference between you and me in our grief is I've had more time under my belt. When my George died, I hadn't a clue where to start with this! I'd lost my dad, niece, nephew, friends, pets, grandparents, but it's not the same as losing your spouse, that person you counted on to go through life with. He was the one who helped me through things, what do you do when that person is gone! You learn to rely on yourself...it doesn't happen overnight, but I look back over the years since he's been gone and I'm amazed at some of the stuff I've made it through...things have a way of working out even when you can't see it. It will be one decision at a time, live in that moment, that day. I know your feelings, I hear you, been there, we all have...are. We want to walk on this journey with you, be here for you. We'll hear your heart's cry, we may not have answers, but we can listen, we can sit with you. Sometimes that's what we need the most. (((hugs)))
  6. Marg, You always have such a way with words, so able to express yourself. I didn't want George to go either, when I cried out while they were working on his heart to "hang on" he shook his head no. Again I cried out, again he shook his head. I have always regretted that the nurse threw me out after that and locked the door behind me on the ward, because at that moment I wanted to put his needs ahead of my own and be there for him, I wanted to stand by him and gently stroke his hair while he made his way into whatever is next for us...but I was deprived of that. We carry that regret forever. It is a hard thing to process, a hard thing to absorb that your husband is leaving you for good...albeit cancer or heart attack, it's a damned cold process, isn't it! My heart goes out to you as I heart your heart's cry. No, they didn't will to leave, it was not on purpose, they had no choice in the matter, any more than we did.
  7. Give yourself positive affirmations. They have them at Barnes & Noble, also here https://www.amazon.com/s?k=positive+affirmations+cd&gclid=CjwKCAjw67XpBRBqEiwA5RCocYqWw2xtQxTuXa_DoDbIp3Fk0RxeOgHIQO3PZ94FW1IaNYyN1i6AchoCExYQAvD_BwE&hvadid=241915761545&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9032139&hvnetw=g&hvpos=1t1&hvqmt=e&hvrand=6446622430055432208&hvtargid=kwd-506655733&hydadcr=24630_10399597&tag=googhydr-20&ref=pd_sl_5pf1ceeubc_e Play it every day and listen, let it go into your subconscious while you're fixing dinner, etc. I was actually surprised when I went back and read some on that thread about my breakup with Jim...I didn't remember some of that, but it doesn't matter that he said he loved me, he was mixed up and didn't know his own mind, he would react this way, that way, it drove me crazy, that's why I had to wall up to protect myself, I knew there'd be no follow through to match it. I love him dearly (as a friend) but am so glad we didn't marry as is. You can bring your own closure even when others don't provide it, it's harder, we like things nice and neat, but you can do it, I have. When they don't offer explanations, when you don't understand what happened, you still have things you can piece together. You can realize they weren't relationship material or they couldn't have done what they did. Keep your heart and eyes open for one that is, when you are sufficiently healed, of course. You are loving, kind, honorable, remember that and remind yourself often! We all have bad days, that's okay! I have GAD and it is it's worst in the middle of the night, I don't know why, that's when everything looks bleak and I can feel like Eeyore. In the middle of the night I quote, "He will keep in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee." I also remind myself that things will look better in the morning, and they do. This is kind of like that, you have to remind yourself of the things that are good about you, what you deserve, and what you don't. You did not earn this break up! You did nothing to cause it! It is him. Lay the responsibility on him. If you'd done something to contribute to it, it'd be different, then you learn from that and move on with your life. But I'm not reading that in your situation. You are going to be okay, it's just a matter of going through this process, and it can be downright painful! But you'll get through it. By the way, Jim's ex wife is living with him, has been a few years now, they aren't a couple, no romance, she would have been homeless and he took pity on her. But it's not healthy for him to have her there, I can hear her interjecting when we talk and I know it grates on him, it does on me! she does little to nothing around the place, he feels he has to take care of her. Interesting, he never felt that way about me, but she is childish and doesn't have a clue how to take care of herself. I, on the other hand am independent, yes, strong, and deal with life on my own...I think that both impressed and intimidated him. He's been someone who has procrastinated horribly but is for the first time in his life trying to deal with some things, he's getting treatment for the first time, and had some medical scares that woke him up and he's dealing with them...again, for the first time in his life. I'm proud of him but wish he could get his ex out of his life for his sake...that probably won't happen though. People allow what they want to allow. If he truly didn't want her there, she wouldn't be. Their daughter tried to get her to move out but they're kind of like codependent. I don't need a partner like that in my life. He's great as a friend, but as a partner, not so much. I feel bad saying that because I do care for him and consider him a close friend, but it's reality. Sometimes I don't feel strong. Sometimes I'd like someone to lean on and they can lean on me, like it was with my George. Someone who is a true partner, equal, a relationship where we both contribute and care. And you're not pushing me away, not in the least! You're honest, which I find refreshing.
  8. Jackie, Welcome here, I am so sorry you, too, have lost your husband. It's weird how in the blink of an eye our life as we know it can change so drastically. I wrote this article of what I'd found helpful, I hope something in it will be of help to you as well. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  9. @Shelbel I am sorry for your loss...Marty stated it well and that is one of my favorite articles! Welcome here, I can relate, George and I only knew each other 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months, our life together was cut way too prematurely. I'm sorry you, too, didn't get longer together.
  10. Sounds good. As I said, we went through much of this with my mom as her mind totally distorted the truth and it could change from one time to the next but she'd be convinced of her rightness. But she had multiple personality disorders as well as dementia in latter years. Her perceptions were always distorted, she had severe paranoia, and hence her responses were a distortion as well. It helped greatly getting a thorough evaluation of her brain, but we were only able to do that after getting a court order for it as she was totally uncooperative about everything. My mom, like your dad, was extremely stubborn. As she began to lose her grip on reality...and she'd never had a firm grip there to start with, she began to protect her "control" by avoiding doctors, etc. and like your dad, wouldn't listen to any of us. Proceeding to take her to court to get the medical evaluation was the best thing we could have done! She needed 24/7 lockdown, so even assisted living would not have helped, they would not take her in assisted living because of the liability. The same reason we could not take her into our homes. She was dangerous. We all thought about it but we knew it wouldn't work, even if we'd had help, which we did not. The dementia care facility was equipped to deal with her, to keep her physically safe, to give her the around the clock care she needed, to have two or more people at all times to move or handle her. I know you think this is not an option, but it is. Yes, in the end, every cent from her place was spent on her care, with very little left over in the end, and that going to my brother alone. But it was worth it, she needed the care. And it was the most humane way to deal with it. Lord only knows what she thought we were doing to her, but she soon forgot even that in her dementia, which seemed to be a blessing in that regard. I feel we did the right thing for her and I know everyone's situation is unique and you will make what you feel is the right decision for your dad. I hope you have power of attorney set up.
  11. Healing is a gradual thing, the worst of it was in the first four months I'd say. Probably if I went back and looked at my posts I'd find it was longer. Here's a good article on the subject: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/5-truths-about-breakups-t_b_953824 and another one that might be of help: https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-tips-to-mend-a-broken-heart/ This is my story:
  12. Different people respond differently as you've noticed with your husband. Don't let that detract from the consolation you received from the cardinal. Belief is for ourselves.
  13. Just remember, the breakup was about HIM, not you, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you...sometimes they don't have the ability to see clearly is all. That's a big enough reminder in and of itself! In one respect it is super hard when you've lost "your person" to death, you know they exist, you had it all, and in one instant, poof, it's gone! Leaves you longing for them forever. But in another way, it is really really hard to have someone be like a crumb bum to you, esp. when you'd thought everything was fine...you aren't left with your memories intact like losing someone to death through no fault of their own. You feel broken. It's hard to compare the two situations because they're just so different, each one hard in their own right. No one can discount how you're feeling, I've been through both...loss to death never seems to end, you just learn to cope with your changed life, whereas there can be healing and moving beyond loss due to breakup, Lord knows I've had my share! With what you've been through in your life, you've learned from a variety of experiences and they can aid you in the future, help you understand a wider array of situations people go through. I truly hope you find your knight and think you will so long as you keep in mind all guys are not this one! There's good and bad out there, it's up to us to find the right one. Wishing you some soothing balm for your heart...
  14. Yeah, anxiety meds don't totally fix my anxiety either but they take the edge off so I can better cope. Still have it in the middle of the night...I recite "He will keep in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee." a lot! I think a service animal would be helpful, good luck in looking into that and a pet grief counselor!
  15. kayc

    Living with Loss

    We did make it to the park yesterday, I didn't take him on the trails, I was afraid that'd be too much for him, but instead we hit the pet section where he got to sniff and pee on everything. He stood up in the truck on the way down and enjoyed looking at everything (it's ten miles away) but on the way home, he laid down, he was tuckered out.
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