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About kayc

  • Rank
  • Birthday October 7

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    June 19, 2005
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Eugene OR

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Oakridge Oregon
  • Interests
    I lead a grief support group and I enjoy volunteering in my church (Treasurer & on Praise Team, choir) and the senior site, where I do the bingo prizes. I love stamping, hiking, nature, singing. I am a retired Office Mgr./Bkpr.

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  1. George, Happy Birthday! I'm glad you spent some time on YOU, you're worth it and need it. Give your dad/sister the time you can afford but no more, you do have to work for a living, it seems she views your work as "flexible", but doesn't think where the hours come from that you miss. I'm sorry about your BIL, I hope he has a speedy recovery. When I was doing Prism (4 1/2 years) my coworker asked when I was "going to eat normal again". That WAS "normal" for me! I looked and felt better, so what did she care? I felt her judgment eking through her words. Some people there's no getting them, just try not to let her get to you. It almost makes you want to ask how long she's going to stay fat?! I know, I wouldn't but geesh!
  2. Anything that can be perceived as relationship talk is considered pressure and will drive them further away, but in the end it doesn't matter because they're already gone and won't be coming back. I have read each and every post in this section (and responded) and I only remember one out of all of these hundreds of couples "making it" through this. There is a certain number of grievers who respond in this way. And I think there's truth in his feeling guilty for spending time with you instead of his brother. Irrrational, I know, but grief can be pretty irrational. The sooner you dispense with that thought, the sooner you can begin your healing. Best to block him on FB, remove his phone number. Keep busy with friends and family. Join a gym, take a class, do not wait at home for him to call, it's not happening! I'm sorry, I'd be the first one to love to give you hope for the relationship, but I can't because that's not the pattern. I do know that most of us came to realize that in the end, things worked out as they should have...I know it's impossible to see now, but you don't deserve to have a partner for life that would dump you the first time something hard came along. We deserve to have partners that would stick through thick and thin with us no matter what was going on. Of course you would have given him space had he asked for it, same as I would have, but that's not what they do, they break up, ghost us. Yep, I went through the same thing only it was his mom not brother that died, he broke up when he was her caregiver, he sent his note by FedEx to my job 9:30 am. That seems a pretty passive/aggressive action, pretty cowardly at that. We were engaged. It's best to have at least a few months w/o any contact to allow yourself time to heal and begin to see clearly.
  3. Hang on to that...I know that too. I wrote once that all that happened was his body gave out...I got hammered for that, but what I was trying to say was misunderstood...what I meant was, he didn't stop loving me, he didn't choose to leave, his body gave out, that's all, yes the ramifications of that one thing were huge for me. It changed everything for the rest of my life.
  4. I'm sorry Gwen, and by now I hope you're home and sleeping it off, sounds like a horrid way to spend the night.
  5. No advice, Robin, but I wish you lots of luck and hope you'll consider giving this guy a chance, you can take it as slow as you're comfortable with.
  6. It hurts for a long time, doesn't it, the triggers are hard. I will be thinking of you this weekend and hope you have some good moments without tears. (((hugs)))
  7. David, When George died, my son came home and then had to get back to the Air Force. One day he called me and was sobbing and said, "Mom, I don't know what's wrong with me! I wake up crying, I start crying in the middle of my work." George became his stepfather when he was a teen, his own dad was Italian and taught him boys don't cry, from the time he was a baby. His father didn't show emotion of any kind except anger. But George was a friend to him and thought the world of my son. I told him, "You're grieving and it's okay. People around you should understand." And they did. We learn things in our grief because it's a new experience for us. It's okay to feel the pain, it's unnatural not to. Yet like Gwen said, we are grieving different relationships than our children are and it can impact us differently. We have lost our lover, partner, the person that did half the chores, the person that contributed half the income, the person we talked over our day with, the person we could count on. For children it is their protector, teacher, their biggest fan. Both very important relationships that are sorely missed, yet different too. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.
  8. Very poignant way of expressing it. I've been on half my anxiety medicine for years, full dose wouldn't change anything, the point is, I feel alone and still miss George each and every day, how can a pill change that? I only take it because living through this makes me feel very alone and troubles can overwhelm. I'm not hit in the daytime as much as at night. If he was snuggled up against me, my nighttimes would be peaceful.
  9. No, my church doesn't bless gravestones, but I'm happy for you although sorry your sister isn't coming for it. I pray for peace and comfort for you as you celebrate this.
  10. All I know is George and I were everything to each other and there is no replacing that. I am very aware each and every day I live that he is missing.
  11. @JulesR I am so sorry. Your grief is still so raw and fresh, it can take quite a while for us to process it, for it to sink in. I hate the getting hit afresh again and again. Sending peace and comfort your way.
  12. My mom told me she so appreciated that I would talk about Daddy with her. She said everyone else seemed to have forgotten him. She liked talking about him. She was widowed 32 years.
  13. I do that too. Good to know I haven't gone over the edge.
  14. Hoping today goes less melancholy for you. George's birthday and death anv. is coming up... Those days are tough, no matter how many years out we are.
  15. That's a very common grief feeling, it can take a long time to fully realize they're gone. It keeps hitting us again and again until it's sunk in, and it feels surreal. It is QUITE exhausting!
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