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Grief Healing Discussion Groups


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About kayc

  • Birthday October 7

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    June 19, 2005
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Eugene OR

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Oakridge Oregon
  • Interests
    I lead a grief support group and I enjoy volunteering in my church (Treasurer & on Praise Team, choir) and the senior site, where I do the bingo prizes. I love stamping, hiking, nature, singing. I am a retired Office Mgr./Bkpr.

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  1. Strength is one thing I feel I'm running out of...discovered all my vents on the house were painted closed so now I need to find the time to take an exacto knife on all of them to open the slits back up. Shaking head. At least discovered it before it became a problem. My back hurts just thinking about it.
  2. I woke up at 11 last night and never got back to sleep, that's with a sleeping pill! Gave up at 3:30 and showered and made coffee... Don't know how I'm going to drive three hours and keep up with the grandkids tonight. They all go to bed later than I do. I hope I survive this weekend. Gwen, I hear you, I wish doctors would see us as real people. I like my new doctor but the challenge is getting through the hurdles to get IN there! Too much red tape...
  3. Wow, I can't believe HR is being like a tick on a hound! Normally that WOULD suffice, I don't know why they want personal information! Might want to check with Boli about the legality of their questioning. I'm glad you have a doctor that hears you at least. It is good that the one friend acknowledged you but we all need someone to talk to, someone that listens and cares.
  4. This is what I was referring to: https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/10/how-we-mourn-understanding-our.html
  5. My sister seems to think she won't need her caregiver once she gets through the doctor's appts. for her eyes. She's in denial. I'm sick of it. Now my neighbor wants me to drive her to Eugene for surgery & chemo. Short days coming up and I can't drive at night. She'd better have a back up. I must have caregiver plastered on my forehead. Her husband just had eye surgery and no license, no idea if/when he'll see again.
  6. My friend (ex-fiance) Jim has that and learning about that helped me greatly in understanding him, how/why he responds like he does, what he can/can't handle, etc. It helped me to ACCEPT him as he is, and I consider him a very valuable being. He broke up with me 11 years ago and after a period of no contact for healing, figuring things out, we have remained friends since. He's got his XW back and they now seem a "couple" yet both accept that I'm a friend and always will be. Unusual perhaps, but it seems to be working for all of us! Good for you! Stick to your guns. Damn with doctors! They need to DO their work and not always just the easy thing for them! We're not machines, we are PEOPLE! How would HE like to be stuck in a facility! Gosh this set me off! I can imagine how YOU feel with it! Enough is enough..
  7. I get it, we want something to help us NOW!!! Like how do we get through TODAY!!! That's the thing, we don't see how we can do this, how can we make it until we begin to adjust, figure it out. I've had to just "do today" one day at a time since this began, it's been over 16 years, still doing it one day at a time, it's enough, all I can handle.
  8. My BIL looked into assisted living places for Peggy, $6000-8000/month! I could have saved him the trouble, they don't usually take someone with dementia as it progresses it's not sufficient for their needs. We'd checked into that with my mom, she needed a dementia care facility, they don't work on them getting "better" as dementia doesn't GET better! Rehab is where they normally go temporarily if they feel they can help a physical infirmity improve. Yes there is always the worry that once they get them they won't let them out of their clutches, I had to have meetings with caseworkers, PTs and OTs, talked to many doctors & nurses also. Each one told me different things that were often conflicting with each other. I wish they'd meet collectively and get their heads together in agreement before presenting to ME! Peggy doesn't have current ID or DL either, I tried to talk her into it but as usual, she wouldn't cooperate. Now she thinks she won't need her caregiver once she gets through the doctor's appts. (Beat head on wall.) I was never told you could stay longer if paying, funny, they tell THEM these things but not us and we're the ones trying to deal with it all! Sometimes I wonder if the professionals understand DEMENTIA! I was only told they'd cover three weeks. Of course if they told her she's not going to relay that because she doesn't want to pay any $ out! My mom had Parkinson's too but didn't stutter, maybe hers hadn't progressed as much? Haven't seen a lot of color here yet, just starting, my little sister is going to Vermont next week, someplace I always wanted to visit in the Fall! I always wanted to with my husband. Sigh...I don't go anywhere. I hope you can bring him home in three weeks, people should be able to go the way they want to. I trust my kids to make right decisions for me. Of course, first you have to REACH them! Hope you enjoyed your dinner, I had a Bratwurst and cauliflower rice, and Keto Chocolate Mug Cake for dessert, as it's filling/healthy. A burger sounds good!
  9. No do not hold it against her, she feels the way she feels and is handling this the best she knows how to just as you are the best you know how. Maybe not your ideal to go through this "alone" but we often feel alone in our grief anyway. Men and women often handle their grief differently, just you two seems to have roles switched from the norm, but what is the norm anyway, I don't think there IS one in grief. I've heard it said, time and again, the only way is YOUR way, that's true for all of us. We aren't handed a manual when we lose someone we love, we're left scrambling to figure out how to do this and it takes much time and is unique for each of us. Maybe try connecting with her in other ways, shared activities, cuddling, etc. Nor would I hide my feelings, you don't need to be apologetic for how you grieve. I would seek couples counseling if this becomes an issue in your relationship. A third party that can get across that it's okay how each of you feel. Someone to help you move forward in your relationship with this, not deny your feelings or change who you fundamentally are, either of you. Marriage is a lot of work and can be challenging at times, for sure! But something to be said for making it through the tough places.
  10. Marg, that's great news about Kelli! I hope she is all done with that! I don't watch commercials, I record things and then watch/fast forward through commercials, so don't know most of them. If I watched the super bowl I'd pay more attention to the commercials though, they are known for good ones! I'm glad you have a dog in there you can see Gwen, I am a huge dog person! If I had no kids I'd probably leave everything to the ASPCA and my church.
  11. I knew someone who had something (he's been gone for about 40 years now), he stayed in, couldn't go to church or store or anywhere, people's voices bothered him, it hurt his ears, not sure if it was misophonia or something else but it was hard. James, I'm glad music is soothing to you and you at least have that to enjoy. Gwen, do they give you any idea how long before you can drive or is recovery too individual to try to predict? Peggy was so lucky she had Bert to take care of her the year following surgery. Today is one year since he's been gone, I'm taking her out, in between her eye treatments so won't get to eat until about 1:30 if I can make it that long. Can you order your food from a store or restaurant?
  12. It can be handled that way, but many do not because people handle grief differently, in their own time and way. Grief Process Child Loss Child loss indefinite Thinking About Continuing Bonds | Psychology Today Continuing bonds with a child may seem more challenging than with an adult, but honoring them in some way can help, it's okay to talk aloud to to the deceased (many of us do), no resounding answers back, but it helps all the same! Your not feeling it's real is normal with grief, we feel shock, unreality, want to wake up from this bad dream, it takes a long time to assimilate this. I'm glad you have a counselor. It can take a long time to connect again. Sometimes commitment has to carry us through the hard places when feelings disconnect. Life can be very hard, I've found it to be so...some seem to have it easier, Lord knows I've asked "why" many times, never got an answer. I just try to deal with it one day at a time, one bit at a time, that's more than enough.
  13. WHAT??!!! When my sister was in the hospital the doctors/nurses told me they usually do BETTER mentally in their own surroundings! Hospitals should be temporary and with the goal of getting them stable so they can be managed at home! This is why I FOUGHT to get my sister at home! But she's quickly approaching where she should have 24/7 care, she falls easily and uses no common sense in decision making or self care. I don't see her lasting on her own much longer and she only has part time care. Learn whatever you can and don't let them bulldoze you! Home Health can help your dad with exercising/strengthening his legs, so long as his breathing is okay, how is he doing with that? My other sister, Donna, used to get pneumonia a lot. She was quadriplegic and they damaged her vocal chords doing the emergency trach when they saved her life, that was even more debilitating than her quadriplegia was, she choked easy, got things in her lungs, she died of pneumonia because they wouldn't treat it, I know they considered her a leech on the system so refused her the care that say the Kennedys would have been afforded. I fought for her too but they wouldn't budge and she died. Unreal! They'd better hope karma doesn't exist... I hope you look into it again and get someone helpful that knows where to send you. I knew someone who took care of his XW when she had cancer the last couple of years of her life, he got paid from the state or somewhere. You should have gotten paid all this time. If he goes into a care center they will take his home if he can't pay and it's expensive. Rehab is usually covered by insurance for three weeks but can be long enough to strengthen his legs, hopefully they'll cover longer if needed. They CAN do it at home, we had it for Donna when she became quad. Not true. Exactly! This is too often the case. Be formidable, I was. Hold your own. Don't pack just yet, nothing is set in stone. Wouldn't he want you to keep his home/bills paid to have a place for him to come back to? I hope you're on his account, I'm not on my sister's and she darn near got her elec. turned off and mastercard canceled for non payment because she didn't attend to it before she went to the hospital. Sigh...we can only do so much, what they let us. I know Kodie isn't out of the woods yet, obstructions can present up to a year afterwards...it terrifies me, I love this little guy so much! I love Fall, not looking forward o winter, never do with all the snow but hopefully it won't be as bad as summer was this year! Try to enjoy the beauty... Praying for your dad...and you too. Today is one year since Bert died, going to take Peggy out to lunch, it'll be hard waiting until 1:30 to eat but she starts her eye treatments today and has one at 12-1.
  14. Oh Gwen, my heart breaks for that poor woman! To feel so helpless! I'm glad they got her back in. Sounds like you know what I'm talking about Yep! At least last night Jack came by and got a 1x6x8' board he's taking home and painting and will use to patch the siding where it's cracked and paint/seal once done also. So thankful to have a handyman in my neighborhood! If I had to hire someone from Eugene I'd hate to see the bill, him, I never have to worry about the cost, he's always fair, good to me. And it helps to know he never wants to retired, has the energy of three workers and in great shape and about 11-12 years younger than me. He also brought a load of firewood and said he'd get about three more for me.
  15. Please don't apologize, it breaks my heart to hear that, you have pain and fear legitimately, and we want to be here for you, I just wish it could be in more tangible ways. If rooting for you could make a difference, it surely would, we love you. I had a scare with Kodie, he ate 1/3 of a small cardboard takeout container (never having those around again!) and was listless, whimpering yesterday, wouldn't eat or play, I was seriously worried about obstruction, decided to give it one day to wait/watch, he pooped it out in pieces, I hope nothing is lodge somewhere, but he's pooping peeing, eating, drinking and finally smiling again, pulling on his walks! I think walking helped, I keep hearing in my mind a vet telling me years ago when Arlie ate a huge container of dog food that walking aids digestion (he couldn't even sit down!) my son and I walked him until midnight! He pulled through. Then a scare on my truck, I'd noticed when I drove it that the washer fluid sprayed on passenger side but not driver's side, so I opened the hood and saw oil everywhere, the cap on the engine missing. I also noticed a couple of tubes hanging open. After freaking out and jumping to worst case scenario (don't you love anxiety!) I took pictures and sent them to my son...he sent one back with the lid circled (I'd left it off when I'd added oil) and he called and told me the two tubes just need put together and a wire put around it to hold it together so will do that today, but I put it together and it works now, filled oil up, tried wiping things down, don't thiink I'll ever get it all off my hands! A day in the life of... Things we'd never go through if they were still here...
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