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kayc

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About kayc

  • Rank
    KayC
  • Birthday October 7

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    spouse
  • Date of Death
    June 19, 2005
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Eugene OR

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Oakridge Oregon
  • Interests
    I lead a grief support group and I enjoy volunteering in my church (Treasurer & on Praise Team, choir) and the senior site, where I do the bingo prizes. I love stamping, hiking, nature, singing. I am a retired Office Mgr./Bkpr.

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  1. I know me too, I'm doing my level best to take care of myself and I hope it doesn't bite me, living into my 90s...with dementia. It's a robber. I'm sorry your dad is going through that, and thus you too, I know the journey well. Poor souls, it's not their fault...neither the mental illness nor the dementia. We just entered Phase 2 yesterday so that means we'll get to have church Sunday, but no sitting together, touching, food, etc. It will not be the same but better than nothing I guess. Groceries have gone up tremendously and stores still aren't carrying some things. Smokies are a treat for me and I haven't been able to buy them since this started except for beef and cheese ones that I don't care for. I like the pork/chicken ones. Raspberries are $12.33/lb, that's shocking to me, it costs as much as steak, which I haven't had in years! Kodie is fine except for his incessant digging, so he's grounded from the yard for now, restricted to his pen, house, and walks. My son said his dogs went through that when they were young, it got better as they aged. He dug up a cable to something yesterday, don't know what it's too as it doesn't look like the internet, t.v., propane, etc. I see going into the house. It was barely under the dirt, I covered it back up, lucky he didn't chew on it...I don't want to find out the hard way what it went to. He is so stinkin' cute, I can't stay mad at him. I try my best to sound stern with him when he digs but he looks unaffected. I think men have a way of sounding gruffer when they want and dogs take them more seriously. It's going to be in the 30s tonight and low 40s tomorrow...that is cold for June! Had to build a fire again. Good luck building your own nature spot, I hope you can! I feel so lucky here with the forest and creek and beautiful nature! Even if the foxes do leave their scat in undesirable places.
  2. I understand. We are starting to open up here a little bit, I haven't been able to go to church, see my friends or family for almost three months, but I did go for my granddaughter's 5th birthday a week ago on the condition my son and his wife not be around anyone for two weeks prior (I'm in that sensitive group). I don't know about animal shelters here yet but doctors, vets, dentists are all taking strict precautions, only one person inside at a time, wear masks, etc. It seems everyone wears one but our president! LOL I know this is a very hard time for you, I can only encourage you to hang in there. I promise you the pain will gradually lessen in intensity. I still love Arlie more than life itself, I had a special bond with him that I've had with no other, and that says a lot, I've loved all my pets. He was my special one. But I don't cry as much now so I know my body is doing it's job and we have inborn resilience we had no idea of. It does take time and the hardest part is toughing it out THROUGH the "time."
  3. Wow, I wish she'd called 911, gotten his license plate, had him arrested. He could get over five years for that! Some people are like a lit fuse and he was one of them.
  4. It is. I spent 3 1/2 hours on the phone with CVS Caremark over some wrong test strips they sent me. So not worth my time. An hour in line trying to return $10.70 in bottles, so not worth my time. I think we need to do what we can to protect our time in this insane time. Next time I'll either donate the bottles to someone or just drop them off and leave (& hope I don't get arrested for it). In the end I gambled and opened the damned test strips and tried one...it worked. All that time and headache for nothing. I hate CVS Caremark, they are too big, uncaring, screwed up and THEY are angry people! They hang up on you after you've held for an hour. Oh well, we all have such people/organizations in our lives and they aren't handling things very well during this time, we're all stressed to the brink. I thank God for my walks with dogs, it gives me a chance to de-stress and revive, but you don't get that, that's why I am so sorry for everything you go through, you aren't even afforded the ability to change your own damned sheets! Normally I don't use such words but there you have it...this pandemic, rioting, lack of socialization, and grief, they're getting to us.
  5. I think it's common for people who are in early deep grief to feel these thoughts, but important to give yourself time to adjust, it can take a long while, so just do one day at a time, don't think about the whole "rest of your life," it's too much to bite off at once. People handle this differently. I walked a neighbor's elderly deaf and going blind dog, gave me some purpose, still walking him nine months later. He's not Arlie, nothing/no one could ever replace Arlie. I look forward to being with him again, meanwhile, doing my best to fill my days. My son brought me a puppy before Christmas, probably saved my life, I have to come through for him, he depends on me. I know this is one of the hardest losses one can have. Only thing similar to me was losing my husband, I've had so many different losses, but those two were the hardest by far as they affected my everyday life very much and loved them both tremendously. I didn't see how I could live a week without my husband, but I'm here 15 years later. I still miss him but have adjusted as much as one can. Would give anything to have both of them back, but barring that, I look forward to heaven/eternity with them! Please hang in there. Have you thought about volunteering at an animal shelter? Can't know how it'd affect you unless you try it, I would have had it not been a two hour drive away.
  6. Perhaps it's that life ISN'T going to be back like it was, not for a LONG time and perhaps never, and it's that altered life I have a hard time with. Had a hard day yesterday, the next two don't look to be much better. Going to town was a day in hell, returning bottles I had to stand in line an hour and they said that was a light day! Not worth it for the $10.70 I got, their carts hold maybe $2 worth, the rest in bags on my arthritic fingers, it was excruciating. Trouble everywhere I went, came home, CVS Caremark sent my Rxs but the wrong test strips, took me 2 hours 45 min. to straighten out. IF it's straightened out. Got disconnected several times after long holds, ugh. The dermatologist changed my appt for the fourth time...that's five different appts they made, I have to go in early tomorrow morning, dreading it, I already don't like their office, I want Peacehealth back. Got someone nasty yesterday, I hope that's not indicative of what's to come. I'm dreading it but will be glad when tomorrow night comes and the day is behind me. Dropped my sewing machine off for repair, said they can't get parts and can't work on it for two weeks, this after telling me the day before they try to turn around same day for people as far away as I am. I hope some adjusting, etc. does the trick. I couldn't get it to sew right with new needles and no matter how I adjusted the tension. They did sell me size 16 needles, cost me $15 at Joann's to get one because I had to buy a variety pack I didn't need to get that size...only $2..99/pk, bought the last two! Now to get my machine working, hopefully! Store still out of many staples but making do. Didn't even look for T-paper this time, my sister and daughter sent me some and I gave some to my other sister, we're taking care of each other, I've sent masks to my family, can't get any more now. One sister sent everyone gloves. Busy day today, still taking stuff to the garage sale, purses with the tags on them I've never used, coats. It's good to get rid of some stuff. My closet is organized and nice now!
  7. Oh Dee, I am just heartsick for you, I know how hard this must be for you as it was the hardest thing I've been through since George's death when I went through it with Arlie. I wish there were a way to bring you comfort, but I know it takes much time to begin healing, we have to walk through the pain and shed many tears along the way. (((hugs))) I am so glad you had your daughter with you...I know I could not have done it without my son with me.
  8. These are good reports...all except for the postponement of the procedure you've been waiting for for so long now. I hope they decide to proceed sooner rather than later! Wishing you nothing but the best!
  9. Hi, I am so sorry for your loss, it's very hard to absorb, let alone process when sudden death touches us. I lost my husband unexpectedly/suddenly 15 years ago and it took me a few years to process his death, years more to find purpose, as he had been that, and years more yet to build a life I could live again. (I might add every friend we had disappeared on me right away.) You say you don't think you can be happy again. Right now it feels that way, but the truth is we are more resilient than we realize and it is possible to be happy again. It will never be the same as before, I won't lie to you, your life as you knew it before is gone excepting the wonderful memories and legacy she left you, those will be with you always and I find comfort in them and in knowing my husband changed my life forever...no one can ever take away the love we share, not even death. In the beginning I felt as you...I did not see how the sun could go on shining and people could just go about their lives as if nothing had happened when for me everything had changed! This is the way it feels to us most closely affected by their absence from our lives. https://www.soulproof.com/when-a-loved-ones-physical-body-dies/ https://whatsyourgrief.com/relationships-with-the-dead/ I wrote this article about ten years after my husband died, of the things I've found helpful over the years. Two life-changers for me were learning to take a day at a time and the other is looking for joy in every day. It won't be the same as it way, but in looking for what good there exists, we won't miss it when it comes and it changes our outlook to one of living in the present and gratefulness. I hope you find something helpful for now and perhaps something else later on, as our grief journey does not stay in this intensity, it evolves. It's a slow process, so be patient with yourself and treat yourself with the same kindness you would a best friend...you ARE your own best friend! TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  10. Reminds me of when I was a teenager and my dad and I went fishing for crawdads...he paid me $1 for each one I picked up, LOL! I thought that was funny that he was squeamish about it and I wasn''t! I lost my dad in April too, Marg only it was 1982. Losing my dad felt like I got gypped out of a whole life with him, I was in my 20s, he didn't get to meet my kids. I'm sorry they didn't get to know him, telling them about him is not the same.
  11. Awake at 2, gave up going back to sleep at 3:30, that's long enough to lay real still with the hopes of returning to sleep. Will have to get by on the little I got today. Hopefully will sleep better tonight. Allergies are plaguing me today. Eugene made 11 arrests regarding the rioting, mostly locals from Eugene/Springfield, a few didn't give addresses. Maybe there'll be more to come. Haven't heard of further rioting there. Our governor refused the National Guard option for Portland, which is of course always bigger scale. Heading to the valley today to get groceries, drop off my sewing machine. I put in new florescent bulbs in my kitchen and they don't work so will take them back to WM where I got them, they won't give my $ back but they can dispose of them! Put the old ones back, they're flickering but at least it's some light. Will have to buy new bulbs and try again. Hope it's not the ballast as I have no clue about changing that. Always something. Ahh, poor Ally...you do understand what each other are going through. Dogs seem telepathic anyway. Kodie does this licking/nibbling thing on my hand when it's numb/hurting real bad. I swear it helps. Hoping we are going to phase 2 Friday, if so I can go to church Sunday, it'll be 12 weeks! We meet the criteria so here's hoping it doesn't bring a setback. Still nervous. Gwen you're not alone with your feelings, it's been hitting me harder lately with George being gone...even though I'd thought I was pretty used to it at 15 years, this has taken me back to the beginning...
  12. I am sorry you receive no response afterwards but rest assured it is them, not you. Grievers do not always show their best and don't always have good clarity early on but this family had problems to start with and you've seen what your friend was up against yourself now. I would go on your way knowing you did your best in the situation and now it's up to them what they choose to do with it. None of that detracts from the authentic friendship you had with your friend/colleague and you continue those bonds even in death. I am very sorry for your loss.
  13. I'm so sorry. This is all so wrong. They are further victimizing innocent people the way they are doing this and if you ask me that's HURTING not helping their cause. None of us thinks police brutality is right, even the police themselves as it causes THEM a lot of personal heartache and disgrace when all they are doing is trying to protect people. They can't prosecute the police involved fast enough or harsh enough in my way of thinking, but even that won't suffice for all the unrest it's brought on everyone. Gin, I'm sorry for what it's doing to your area as well. So wrong!
  14. That is for sure! The riots aren't in my town but Eugene and Portland, but Eugene's will affect this county and I hope it doesn't prevent us from moving to phase 2...which could mean we could have a church service Sunday! Will know by Friday night. Of course I know it won't be the same for me as it means sitting alone, six feet from anyone else, not sure how we'd fit everyone in. They've rearranged the tables in the Sunday school room, not sure everyone will fit in it if one person sits at a table...we have a lot of widows. And no potlucks, etc. But it'd be nice to be there for something besides doing their books.
  15. It sounds like the pandemic is making subtle changes in us and how we deal...I'm feeling that too. Whereas before I enjoyed being around people as it was an escape from my aloneness. I hate to say it, but I've gotten more used to this, even though I'd love to have my life back as it was. Even things as simple as going to Carl's Jr. when I go to the valley to get groceries, now I don't eat down there, just skip lunch altogether. II don't relish sitting in my car for an hour to go through the drive thru and not aware of what places are open with seating or if I feel comfortable trusting them to be safe. The places I liked are no more. Don't know where my family can go to meet together from all over the state. I miss my sisters. Yesterday was Peggy and Bert's 50th anniversary and I tried to get them flowers to take to them, the only place was closed, wasn't expecting that on a Monday. So I got them barbecued meals instead and dropped it off on their porch. I'd already brought a handmade card by. So sad that that was their only "celebration."
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