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About kayc

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  • Birthday October 7

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    June 19, 2005
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Eugene OR

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Oakridge Oregon
  • Interests
    I lead a grief support group and I enjoy volunteering in my church (Treasurer & on Praise Team, choir) and the senior site, where I do the bingo prizes. I love stamping, hiking, nature, singing. I am a retired Office Mgr./Bkpr.

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  1. kayc

    Living with Loss

    I have been care-giving Arlie for so long, I feel at a loss now, like empty. I'm used to getting up early and cooking for him, taking care of his needs, and in return he gave me so much joy and love! I am getting choked up even now. I've ordered a memorial stone for him and can't wait for it to come. I called my go-to guy and left a message, I need some elderberry branches cleaned out around the grave and my arthritis isn't cooperating with my doing that kind of work anymore. Waiting for a call back. I need to nudge the roofer again about the pen roof, it needs flashing and I've been trying to get him out here for two years!. Spent hours washing Arlie's bed & furniture covers, trying to air the house out of the cancer smell. I'm missing my baby, I don't know what to do, I took my first "alone walk" last night, I hate it. Mary you are so right...he is that perfect one for me just like my husband was...there's no replacing that, but I hope I find a dog that resonates with me someday that I can have...it'd never replace Arlie, not looking for that, it doesn't exist.
  2. He called last night and I explained that I sensed Bethany was wanting time alone with him so I decided to leave early. I didn't want him to think I don't care about my grandchildren or him, I appreciate him more than anything in the world and love spending time with him and his kids.
  3. Jackie, there are others here that surely relate. I feel the same way. My arthritis is debilitating, it scares me what may be ahead, but I so desire to maintain independence and a fulfilling life, I hope someday I find another dog that could be right for me, Arlie was it as far as perfect for me and I know there's not another like him but hopefully I can find one to share my life with again someday...not ready yet though, of course, it's way too soon and I don't even know what to look for, but I knew Arlie was "the one" when I saw his picture in the paper, and I was so right! I hope you find something that brings you fulfillment, something that brightens your day, some purpose, some enjoyments, we all need that hope.
  4. I'm sorry that is your experience. I know churches vary greatly, even within the same denominations. I wish so much that you were here, we'd look after you. (((hugs)))
  5. Jackie, I know you haven't lived there long, but is there a neighbor who could drive you? Do you have a church that could help you? Being independent and suddenly find yourself in need of help is hard. A service dog would be good.
  6. Jackie, we met in our 40s too, I was so sure we'd at least get 20 years together, but we didn't, we knew each other 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months. I feel gypped. He should be here by my side as I'm going through this. I went to my son's this weekend. He was showing me a video on his phone when a text showed up from his wife "When is she leaving?" she blew up his phone. He tried to hide it from me but couldn't be quick enough, over and over she sent the texts. I think I'll leave this morning, no sense staying for church, it doesn't feel right when you know you're not wanted. It's how it is. Now I have to go home and face the emptiness. And a mad cat. She won't likely even miss Arlie. It just all feels so weird.
  7. Jackie, It's only been four months, not enough time for it to sink in, let alone get used to...I'm not sure we ever get quite used to this, but at least enough to not face constant triggers...I wouldn't expect you to be anywhere but where you are in your feelings, so much to absorb. My heart feels your anguish. Losing my Arlie has set me way back, it's weird how a fresh loss can dredge up all the feelings from the old one. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, I'm so used to caregiving my dog, I've cooked for him for years, walked him twice a day, every day, not sure how to go on. It feels so wrong that one can be left alone to deal with old age and all it's trouble.
  8. That is true, it is not the same,it never will be, but I can't look at that, it's unbearable to.
  9. Thank you all, I needed your thoughts and prayers, it took everything within me to get through the day...but now I have all this time ahead to get through. I fixed him scrambled eggs, cheese, mushrooms for breakfast, which he loved. We went on our last walk. He went on his last ride (an hour to the vet) in the back of my son's Baja and enjoyed it. The veterinary office was amazing and compassionate. They'd put a stack of blankets on the floor for him to lay on. He cried when they gave him the shot, they told me it was brutal, I felt so bad for him. Then I just stroked his head and told him how much I loved him and what a good boy he was, and Paul and I bawled, we couldn't help it. It was one of the hardest days of my life. I haven't been in this much pain since George died, my heart is literally broken in two. I could not have made it through this without my son, he was a godsend. He was so comforting, he also is grieving Arlie. He hasn't had the benefit of time to see the changes, he hadn't seen him since his cancer so it hit him hard...you can hear about it on the phone, it's entirely something else to witness it. Arlie was so happy to see Paul! He rallied at the last, I think because of having Paul there. I was disappointed that Jim never came to see him and my daughter never called. I thank God for my son. He not only dug the hole (I probably did 10%) and was with me through it, but he also fixed a plumbing issue and is going to look at my computer that is making noises it shouldn't. I know a lot of people don't realize how close you can get to your dog, but it's just been him and me these last 10 1/2 years and I literally lived for him. It feels like it did the day George died minus the anxiety and shock. A husband's death impacts your life in more ways, but the closeness I've had with Arlie is amazing...he was the perfect dog for me. Sometimes you only get perfect once...that was the case with George and I think it is with Arlie too.
  10. Mary, It does get better with time, it takes quite a while to build a life you can live. Unfortunately, it's always changing, new challenges to face, new losses to endure. I built a life with my dog and now he's gone too. I don't at this point have anything to look forward to, but I am going to have to figure it out along the way. When I first lost George, I couldn't even get groceries, it was something we always did together, we traveled out of town to get them, visited friends, got a pizza...it was way too painful after I lost him and the friends disappeared. I have a young neighbor I'm going to have to get more acquainted with, she's younger than my kids but she's really been here for me in the loss of my dog. Having even small things to look forward to can help. I signed up for Women's Retreat (through my church) at the coast, it'll be the end of Sept., I haven't been able to go for years because my dog was special needs, not easy to get someone to take care of him...although I'd much rather have him back with me and would gladly take care of him the rest of my life. But I guess what I'm saying is we can only try to make the best of things. We can only play the best we can with the hand we're dealt, I just don't know why some are dealt a good hand and others get one that sucks. I've learned not to ask why though, never got any answers anyway. Sending you and everyone else who is struggling (((hugs))).
  11. I think most of us keep private what we feel after all this time, most do not care to hear really, it's mostly with people here I can express myself, and those I'm closest to, like my sister, Peggy...but she cannot get how I feel, she's been married 49 years. When she goes through something her husband is there for her. Now I don't even have my dog and my heart is broken in two. I think we aren't alone as we feel...there are so many silently carrying their loss, their grief, the emptiness left behind. We try to be positive, try to make our lives fulfilling, but, well you know. My little sister is married, always throwing parties, gets to see her kids often, doesn't have to worry about money or health, and has tons of friends, travels frequently. She can't begin to understand how my shoes feel. I don't wish her life any different, it was hard when she was younger, but it's kind of like there's a disconnect between us.
  12. kayc

    Living with Loss

    I took him for his last walk, he got his last ride, he cried when they gave him the first shot, they'd said it was a brutal one. We laid on the floor with him while we were waiting for him to get sleepy, I kissed him and told him how good he was, and how much I love him. My son and I both bawled, it was so hard. I haven't had this much pain since my husband died, my heart was literally broken in two. We laid him to rest in the back yard next to Skye...Skye was like a brother to him, he's been gone six years come 9/3. I was privileged to have had this dog in my home, my family, my heart, he's been the best.
  13. kayc

    Living with Loss

    Thank you, I needed to hear that right now.
  14. kayc

    Living with Loss

    This was the hardest thing I've been through since losing George, it felt like that all over again. I've had 23 dogs & cats in my life and this was by far the hardest. I feel like I betrayed him, but I know with my head I did what was best for him. I took him on his last walk, fixed his last breakfast, I gave him his Colitis homemade mixture plus scrambled eggs with cheese and mushrooms, he loved it! My son and I both cried so much today and I have a lot of tears ahead of me...I am heartbroken.
  15. kayc

    Living with Loss

    He's having a hard day today, sleeping, confused, no energy, doesn't even want to get up for a treat. I know I'm doing the right thing, but oh my gosh it hurts so bad! I feel like my heart is breaking in two! And I feel like a traitor, planning for his death, oh God this hurts!
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