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kayc

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About kayc

  • Rank
    KayC
  • Birthday October 7

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    spouse
  • Date of Death
    June 19, 2005
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Eugene OR

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Oakridge Oregon
  • Interests
    I lead a grief support group and I enjoy volunteering in my church (Treasurer & on Praise Team, choir) and the senior site, where I do the bingo prizes. I love stamping, hiking, nature, singing. I am a retired Office Mgr./Bkpr.

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  1. kayc

    Living with Loss

    Missing you, Sweet Boy. Yesterday I had to have your pen worked on as the post that holds the door broke from all the years of you riding it and slamming it shut to get your treat. Now I need it for Kodie but can't bring myself to call it Kodie's pen, it will forever be Arlie's pen, Arlie's fence, Arlie's doghouse. I tell him about his big brother, how much the two of you would have enjoyed each other! At least before you got so sick, you wouldn't have wanted a puppy around then. I'm glad you're not suffering anymore Sweet Boy and pray you're at peace...until I can be with you. I love you, Arlie. I'll always love you.
  2. @Grove Girl I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry for the guilt feelings, sometimes we feel guilt in our grief even when not deserved, it's our way of trying to find a different possible outcome. It's a normal grief response, we all wish we could have said or did something different that we can't go back and change but when we're living our lives and have no way of knowing what's about to happen, other things factor in, busy with job, other demands, etc. That is normal too. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/01/guilt-in-wake-of-parents-death.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html Be kind and forgiving of yourself, I like this:
  3. She doesn't get to control your decisions. I think it was perfectly understandable you said goodbye & thank you to her family, it helps them have some closure. Try not to personalize how she's reacted to you, this is about her grief. You could treat her perfectly and she'd still react this way. When someone out of the blue wants a break up and before their loss everything was going fine, I mean it's like a light bulb switched for them! It does sound like there were a lot of issues and things weren't ideal, but still, you two were working it out. When you read all the threads here in this section, you see a pattern. It helps you to see she's no more in control of this than you are, she's not a bad person, it's grief talking. But still that doesn't give you hope for the relationship, we have to respect their wishes for breakup and focus on our own lives. I wish you well with this, it can be quite a process but you'll get through it. Absorbing that you're broken up is hard, I cried for a few months and expended my energy into cleaning...my house got real clean.
  4. You have a goal, to get back to your volunteering, and that is a good one to strive for. Living in the present, for me, means not to try to worry about the future so much. Yes I have to have a budget, make plans, etc, we all do, we can't all live willy nilly and throw caution to the wind, but knowing my anxiety neither is it good to worry about the whole "rest of my life" which may or may not even materialize. To do so detracts from whatever good there might be in today...and that is a relative term, I realize nothing is as it was when George was alive but I've also learned that comparisons are joy killers for me. I don't have what I had yesteryear. I'm well aware of that! I still struggle not to worry about the future, I'm well aware of what it is to be alone and what "could happen." I just try to stop the thought when it goes there. Focusing on keeping going and striving for your goal will aid you in getting there. You have made leaps and bounds beyond what I could have anticipated or expected, I'm very proud of you! Yes you still have a ways to go but I truly believe, knowing you, you will get there. You are an amazing person, just wish we lived closer! I don't tend to get beyond the nearest city or once a month my son's. Not driving in the dark has it's limitations. For me, keeping moving would be eating!
  5. @Tamica Shannon I am so sorry, I think losing our spouse is one of the hardest losses we can face as it affects every aspect of our lives and leaves a huge void. I hope you will post more as you re ready...how long since you lost him, do you have support, are you feeling isolated? I ditto everything Gwen has shared, and I want you to know you've found a good place to come to, we want to be here for you as you go through your grief journey. It helps to learn what you can about grief, and there is an abundance of information on this site, it's just a matter of finding what you need and can help to post your questions so we can respond. The owner/administrator of this site is a professional grief counselor, which differentiates this site from the others. I've been here since the loss of my husband nearly 15 years ago and it literally saved my life! Finding others that get it, understand, and all of the immense help...trying to go through this alone is like trying to drive across the US without a road map or GPS...only harder. I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful and hope something in it will help you right now (the single best help when I went through it was learning to take a day at a time) and some other things on down the road as you're in that place, not everything will hit you at the same time. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  6. My initial thought is nothing is "wrong" with you, you are grieving, alone, and isolated. I am sorry for your loss. You don't say if your mom is still alive. It could help for you to get involved with some group...church, volunteering, club, anything that gets you out around people where you can get to know others and have a sense of belonging somewhere, someplace you care about and relate. So many ideas for volunteering, senior site, church, school, walking pets, feeding the hungry, holding babies, the list goes on and on, people/organizations can use some help. My daughter has been volunteering at her local food bank for years, I volunteer at my church and senior site. Since you were affected by your father's death to the point of drinking to excess, you might consider professional grief counseling (by the way, congratulations on giving up drinking!). Grief has a beginning but not an ending as we continue to love and miss them. But don't let that scare you, grief doesn't stay in the same level of intensity, it evolves throughout your grief journey as we begin to process our grief and adjust to the changes it means for our lives. It could be that having experienced death of a love one you now fear your cat going too. I get that. Loss of any magnitude does not leave us the same, it changes us. I try not to let fear be my driving factor in my life though as it can keep us from fully enjoying life to the fullest. I tell fear it's not going to get the best of me and proceed anyway, not letting it stop me from loving and living life. Put up the hand to fear and guilt! Here are some articles that I thought might be of help: http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/01/guilt-in-wake-of-parents-death.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/parent-loss-continuing-their-song.html
  7. kayc

    Memories of Kitty

    When she came to my house, there was twine hanging out her belly. I knew someone had crudely “fixed her,” no self-respecting vet would ever do a job like that! I clipped the twine and shuddered to think how it went down. Did they ply her with alcohol? How had she survived?!
  8. kayc

    Memories of Arlie

    I had given him his last walk down the street…all of the neighborhood dogs coming to the street to greet him as we went by, as if they were saluting him goodbye. I prepared him a special breakfast of scrambled eggs and cheese and mushrooms with his Colitis diet of rice, chicken breast and pumpkin. He gobbled it down. We drove to the vet, one he hadn’t met before, they were so wonderful to him. He weighed in at 107.5 due to all the treats I’d plied him with during his illness. Probably the only dog with cancer to actually gain weight…most of the time he ate to please me.
  9. I am thankful I have the best puppy in the world. Middle of the night I woke up with a bad headache, awake for a long time with it, it did not want to abate. Finally dropped off to sleep and woke up 15 min. later than I usually get Kodie up. He never peeped. I appreciate that, most puppies are not like that. A pancake thin pillow sounds hardly worth the bother. Why don't they have down pillows you can fluff up? We had an unpredicted wind storm yesterday afternoon/evening. More limbs to pick up. So glad it didn't snow very much!
  10. I am so sorry, Courtney. It's hard enough grieving the loss of your mom, but your cousin too, needing to find a place for yourself and all the stress that entails while going to school, and lack of familial support...that is a lot on your plate. You will get through this, one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Don't hesitate to come back here close to the holidays, it's something we all go through together, yes, loss of someone important to us changes a lot for our lives. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html
  11. Mark, I am so sorry...how hard to face another loss so soon. I do believe it was meant to be that the two of you shared that phone conversation, you have that to cherish always with his memory. I, like you, believe they are together and hope you can find some comfort in that.
  12. Chris, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation as you sound like a very caring supportive person that doesn't deserve this. But be that as it may, if you're looking for a way to get her back, I hate to tell you but that's not likely going to happen. There's a certain number of people that break off their relationships when they encounter grief. The rest of us want someone being there for us, being supportive, but for whatever reason, the others don't want that. They feel being in a relationship is too stressful and they can't do a relationship and grieve at the same time. And no it's not likely that time will help the situation. For some they feel guilty for what they gave to the relationship instead of the parent that died. Rationale need not enter in, this is emotion based. They can be with their friends, etc. but not with you. Of the hundreds who have written threads about this very thing here, I only remember maybe one who made it through intact. I was one who lost my fiance of a year when his mom was dying. It's been almost ten years ago and he currently has his XW living with him, not romantically involved but because he didn't want her homeless. It takes time with no contact to begin to heal and to get clarity on this. I hope you will consider doing that for your sake; also out of respect for her wishes. It's not likely to change given any amount of time, I'm sorry.
  13. I loved that! I had to give Kodie dewormer a couple of days ago, made him really sick, he vomited throughout the day. Called the vet in the afternoon, they said to give him rice and cottage cheese. I don't normally have cottage cheese but thankfully had some. I thought I had cooked white rice in the freezer but it turned out to be chopped onions, finally found a tiny bit in a tupperware container I'd missed throwing out so made that up for him. Guess I'll have to buy some for when he's sick. Esp. since I'm so far from everything and can't drive at night, it makes emergency runs difficult. My neighbors said they have some in survival kits if I ever need some again. You know, another moot point if George were alive, he'd be glad to make a run for me.
  14. Hey, we have mountains here, I live in them...something in Oregon for everybody...ocean, desert, flat farmlands, you name it! My sister has COPD real bad too, I'm glad she's finally back on her inhaler!
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