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Grief Healing Discussion Groups


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About kayc

  • Birthday October 7

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    June 19, 2005
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Eugene OR

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Oakridge Oregon
  • Interests
    I lead a grief support group and I enjoy volunteering in my church (Treasurer & on Praise Team, choir) and the senior site, where I do the bingo prizes. I love stamping, hiking, nature, singing. I am a retired Office Mgr./Bkpr.

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  1. I took Kodie to entertain Peggy yesterday while her electricity was off all day and brought her lunch. They have to come back and finish up today but the elec. is on now at least. Last night I found out Iris' husband Mike has Covid. She called and he can't even walk without assistance. She's supposed to have her port put in and start chemo next week. He won't be able to make his eye appt for his corneal transplant, she's still counting the days to the end of his quarantine...??? umm, no, it's wait until he recovers and tests negative! I think she can't admit to herself how sick he is. He may need to be hospitalized. I hope he's getting enough liquid/nutrition. He looks like death, I saw him through the patio door. I take my temp. every day. I changed my doctor's appt today to a phone visit. I don't want to know what's coming this winter, it sounds like they're figuring it'll be rough. One day at a time. I can't change anything about the weather so knowing won't help. Gwen I hope your life starts improving and gives you even a ray of hope. It's got to be hard being away from Mel, I think the hardest part would be not being able to explain to her. They're our babies. We worry about them but I don't think they worry nearly as much as we do, they live in the moment better.
  2. I don't go into the shop. It's in total disarray now, the mice having taken over a few years ago. I think I'm responsible for poisoning half the mouse population, but it's amazing how much damage they can do, they move things around, eat things. But it's too emotional. Some things are too hard.
  3. George was my person. My soul mate, my best friend, my lover, my everything. We had amazing connection, amazing communication, could relate to each other in spite of very different backgrounds. The one person in the world that made me feel loved and protected. The only one who ever cared about me. He's been gone over 16 years, I will probably spend the rest of my life alone. This was never my preference, yet I can't imagine being with someone now. I tried to rebuild my life, but went about it all wrong, that clearly did not work. I'm used to being alone now. I'm strong and independent. If I was ever to find someone the bar is set so high, it's highly unlikely, they'd have to agree on morals, character, beliefs, have to love dogs, have a good sense of humor, have great communication, the list goes on and on. Anyone know anyone like that? It'd have to be someone that would accept who I am (and vice versa)...George never tried to change me, never tried to control me, I couldn't live with that, I had that for 23 years with my kids' dad. And I couldn't handle being lied to, if I wanted that I would have stayed with my kids' dad...no hypocrites need apply. So yep, it looks like a long lonely life looming ahead. If I were ever to meet someone that fits the bill, we couldn't do comparisons...they'd have to understand my relationship with my dearly departed...hmm, sounds like I'll be living a long life with my puppy, Kodie! All off this is a moot point as I don't even date.
  4. $2.89 sounds wonderful for gas! These are the CHEAPEST prices around here, it's crazy! http://www.oregongasprices.com/Springfield/index.aspx Mike tested positive for Covid yesterday, it's six days now and he can't even walk w/o assistance. He looks horrid. Iris is deluding herself thinking he can go to the eye doctor next week...she's counting down quarantine days, umm...that doesn't count, he needs to get OVER it and test NEGATIVE before he can go anywhere! I'm very concerned about her getting it as she's immunocompromised with cancer and about to start chemo! I take my temperature every day... I changed my doctor's appt today to a phone visit as I don't want to risk anything. Our area is being hit hard even while the news says things are on the upswing. I am so glad one of his friends came. Did your brother come? I hope the eulogy was helpful for you. I just got my quercetin so will start taking it today, also am on bromelain and zinc, I have plenty of D in my multivitamin so gave mine to my sister, don't know if she takes it though. Before learning Mike had Covid, I'd gone to my sister's to bring her lunch and relieve her boredom as her electricity was off while they work on replacing her panel box, I brought Kodie to entertain her. They have to come back and finish today but don't need the elec. off for that. Her phone needs reprogrammed now as it lost all the numbers. I don't understand why the battery doesn't keep them in there when the power is out, mine do. She just got a new battery put in last week! If they charge automatically on his bank acct or visa, can you dispute it with the bank? No one should have charged him. Past behavior is predictor of future behavior...yep, we've all learned/seen that! They don't have contact with her, let alone visit, etc. They're busy working, some with their families, none live here. No one is here helping but she has one friend that takes her to get groceries or picks them up for her. That helps a lot. She also takes her to get her hair cut, which is how she fell in June. Bad judgment on where she went, I don't blame the friend for not knowing but Peggy has never had common sense. Enjoy your capp/chai! I haven't experimented with that since starting Keto, hmm, sounds interesting! Good luck with all the cleaning out. My brother cleaned out my mom's big house/property in one weekend with help from his big strapping boys, he wouldn't wait until my several feet of snow was over so I couldn't be there, none of us got anything, Julie was able to be there as she didn't have snow, Peggy and Polly didn't come even though they could have at that point. I got nothing to remember my parents, my mom lived there for 59 years, the house we grew up in, this was in 2012, my mom died two years later. Yes. We all go through this when we lose someone. It's hard. Guilt and Regret in Grief Grief and the Burden of Guilt Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death Address Guilt When Grieving and this video is helpful as well: Guilt and Regret in Grief Grief and the Burden of Guilt Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death Address Guilt When Grieving and this video is helpful as well:
  5. Aleck, thank you for taking the time to come back and share with us what you've learned and what you're doing. It's wonderful to hear the affirmation that people CAN get through this and not be ruled by their emotion...emotions are subject to change. You're on a good path!
  6. I am so sorry for your loss, I truly am. I understand, it's a hard place to be in. I hope you have supportive friends/family who understand how you felt and realize your immense grief. This is what is sometimes referred to as disenfranchised grief as others don't always recognize it. I hope you'll separate your feelings for her from your feelings for your GF...it needn't be and either/or for now it's enough to accept that you love both on their own merits, you have plenty of time to figure out if/whether your GF and you have potential or not...I just hate to see you make a hasty decision in the intense emotion you're wafting through right now. Perhaps you're in the early stages and it hasn't had adequate time to develop fully. The next few months will be telling, if she's understanding, respects your situation, is supportive, etc. I know that sounds one-sided but sometimes relationships ARE one-sided for a time as situations warrant...obviously they can't continue that way forever, but when one is grieving it's one of those times. We have to put ourselves first as it takes everything within us to process this, let alone figure out how to do our grief journey. I hope you feel free to come here and post, any time, we're here, listening. Disenfranchised Grief: 22 Examples, Signs, and Tips Disenfranchised Grief: Hidden Sorrow Disenfranchised Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream Disenfranchised Grief: When Grief and Grievers Are Unrecognized - SocialWorker.com Grief Process Tips to Make Your Way through Grief
  7. I've heard this in the Bible, "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." The thing is we never know when morning will arrive...it seems to me a long wait meanwhile. I don't think this speaks figuratively of nighttime vs daytime, but we have challenges/struggles and when through it, then something good comes. I hope this for you and your back. I know the meanwhile seems beyond what one can endure, the pain incredible, the things you can't do seem insurmountable and nothing to fully enjoy in the meantime. That is the hard part, pain destroys incentive, motivation, appreciation, even the ability to see anything beyond what we're going through. My sister's speech came back yesterday. I ordered her some Bromelain to start taking, it helps not only inflammation/joints (she has arthritis in her hands) but it's a blood thinner, she can't take NSAIDS so no aspirin, I think it'll help as a preventative course of action since she's refusing medical help. I've fought for MONTHS to get an electrician out to replace her panel box so she's not left in the lurch, I wanted this to happen before she runs out of $...the state will cover caregiving costs when she's broke but not home repairs so it makes sense to prioritize what needs done around there. It's so hard getting her to listen and use any logic, she seems to have none. Today they're finally coming so the electricity will be off from 8/9 am to sometime in the afternoon. I told her I'd bring Kodie and lunch to break up the monotony of just sitting in the dark, bored. She can't read because she let her eyes go too long. We're working on that, she has her first cataract surgery 10/26. I'm beginning to wonder if Mike, Iris' husband has Covid, he looks like death not warmed over! He hasn't been tested, thought it was the flu. It looks worse than that. I hope and pray she doesn't get it, she's to start chemo in the next week or so. He's supposed to have his third corneal transplant so I hope he gets over whatever this is SOON! Gwen, can they come to your home to do the shot? They did that for housebound people in our county but I haven't heard they do that for boosters yet, although I think they'll get around to it sometimes. I'm glad to hear Dee brought you a smile and you got to have a visit with your grief counselor (I assume phone or zoom?). I got a shock last night, friends I've known 45 years are getting divorced. We never know what's going on inside someone's heart/home. It totally threw me, I'm still stunned. No sign of this from appearance. Incidentally, someone who disparaged me when Paul and I went through it. (Be careful to never assume or judge!)
  8. I'm sorry, Elizabeth. I don't understand why an ex would have the right to clean out his belongings.
  9. I'm sorry not only she's going through this, but that you are too now, we'd never wish this on anyone. Sending you much love & hugs!
  10. Most animals can have plenty of liquid when they're sick, the vet instructed you, this was not your fault. Love yourself as your can loved you. Forgive yourself whatever you think you did. This is what I love about animals, they don't waste emotion hating/judging us, they are accepting, loving, appreciative. We stand to learn so much from them! You will be with him again and I can't wait to see him look you in the eyes, that will say it all, it will all be past. It's been over two years since I lost my Arlie (dog/cancer) and nearly two years since I lost 25 year old Kitty, I love and miss them both. What a great reunion day that will be!
  11. It occurred to me Mike could have Covid, if so, I hope Iris doesn't get it. They haven't tested.Peggy could talk yesterday! It's taken me months to get the electrician out to her house to replace the panel, but today they're doing it. Since the electricity will be off all day, I will bring her lunch and let Kodie entertain her. She can't see to read. It doesn't matter, she's refusing medical care, I can't convince her of anything. At least I'm getting her house dealt with, finally! I've been working on this for months! Yes we need to have an abundance of food on hand in case, prices have really jumped this month! Gas too, this is the time of year it goes down, but no, it's risen more!
  12. I'm so glad for you, Gwen! We treasure those small niceties. Peggy had a stroke yesterday morning, I didn't find out until dinner time, she refuses to go to the doctor. She can't find some of her words so I spent an hour listening to her struggle, which put me behind on eating dinner so this morning my BS was higher as it messed up my Intermittent Fasting schedule. I can't talk sense into her. I called my other sister Polly to let her know and she yelled at me for "going down rabbit holes" because she doesn't listen and gets frustrated with whoever is talking to her. She told me I shouldn't go to church again. I told her she doesn't know what it's like to be alone all the time. Yesterday was George and my wedding anniversary. I want to run away. All I need is more family. Talked to Julie and she's really sick, and has been for a week, I didn't know until she posted on FB yesterday. I woke up at 2:30 to pee and Kodie kept jumping on my lap, needless to say I never got back to sleep, he's real needy this morning, not sure what's up, something has him upset. I did scare off the skunk again.
  13. Ana, I agree with everything you said, you owe no explanation to anyone, be true to yourself, we here, "get you."
  14. Kieron, handle it however YOU choose when YOU are ready, this angers me so much, I wish I could let them have it! I would make a police report, but that's me, not you. If you don't feel it's worth the angst, then don't...I'd file homeowner's too. I did that years ago and they didn't raise my ins. Good to know. Not sure about nowadays. It helps to know what forgiveness is for and what first of all, it is NOT. It does NOT mean what they did was "okay." It is not and never would be. It does NOT mean you'll let them do it again! It does NOT mean you ever trust them again or let them on your place. Hell no! They've already shown you their true colors, you can believe what they have shown...it's a flashing warning letting you know to beware of them! And it does NOT mean they don't have to accept responsibility for what they did. If they truly apologize and mean it they would make amends. It's not your problem they're poor or desperate or whatever. That does NOT make them a victim! Nor does it give them the right to victimize you or anyone else. They got away with it, they will do it again. Five years later, yes you can let it go as far as what it does inside of you....that is the forgiveness part, we do it so as not to let it harm us, nothing to do with them. Just my 2 cents for all it's worth! The last thing you needed in your grief was someone pulling something like this on you instead of valuing your boundaries and sanctity. I had something similar happen with George's "friend" taking the ring (appraised 21 years ago at $1,800) I'd given him for a wedding present, his CDs, his hat, etc. I filed police report but they never traced it, months later I figured it out but it was too late then as they'd moved, left no forwarding, but at the time of his death my head was in a thick fog and I couldn't think.
  15. I ordered quercetin 10/6, still haven't received it! Been fussing with WM about it, thought it was lost but they didn't ship for six days and the USPS is getting ridiculous. No delivery date. I take bromelain and it's helped my BP be normal lately! On zinc too. I take so many supplements I'm not hungry afterwards! I think my health is why I haven't gotten sick yet, not that I can't, but I'm giving it the best I can. My sister had a stroke yesterday morning, I didn't find out until last night at dinner, she refuses medical help, won't see a doctor, damn she's stubborn! She doesn't understand/listen to anything I say. Finally getting the electrician's butt in gear for replacing her panel box and now she doesn't want to do it until May. I'm done. I can't argue stubbornness. I've done everything I could for her for the last 13 months... What kind of a kit is the airlines sending? I missed something. Yes, when my husband died I had to take a death cert in to them, also one for the bank and one for auto insurance, his medical ins was through his job so automatically canceled the end of the month as he was working to earn it. We were in the middle of dickering with the company on life ins. when he died so didn't get anything. The bank has been painstakingly slow and discombobulated getting Bert's bank accounts taken care of. We took death cert. in to them, they lost it, had to mail them another one, it's over a year later and they still haven't settled everything. Another reason I refuse to be executor of the estate, she leaves everything to her nieces/nephews, even though she doesn't know them, so let one of them have the job, my brain is exhausted, I'm getting too old for this. She's told NONE of us where her papers are and I never found anything even though I searched her house. If she did something with a lawyer 26 years ago they're long since retired and have no idea who it would have been. Can't get any answers out of her. Likely the state will get to deal with it, they will end up providing her end of life care so they'll take it all. It's all out of my hands. Cooperation is not her middle name. I feel very helpless standing by while she goes through the end of her life, she could suffer for years, but no matter what I said over the years, she refused to listen, choosing instead to think she'd have a heart attack in her sleep and that'd be it. No, it doesn't work like that for most of us. She's in a fairy tale world, always been that way, which was fine as a child, but not so much now. Who knows, maybe it'll protect her from knowing what's going on or caring. I questioned her about if she can still walk, can she still use her arms, get something to eat, yes. For now. I woke up at 2:30, Kodie was being needy, wanting to be on my lap, tried to get him to settle down, not sure what had him upset but I never got back to sleep. Scared off the skunk as he was heading for my house, nope! Not on my watch! So I'm up and will be sleepy today. Coffee...I don't like it black, wish I did, but put HWC (heavy whipping cream) in it, a tad vanilla, sweetener (Stevia or Erythritol) and a wee bit of pumpkin, OMG, I think I stumbled onto something! I hope you have a good day today, and I totally agree about nighttime, I love it, always been my favorite time, odd that I go to sleep so early but it's the way my body settled into in its old age. And I totally agree about the creativity, keep on with doing something creative! It's life's blood.
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