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kayc

Contributor
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About kayc

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    spouse
  • Date of Death
    June 19, 2005
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Eugene OR

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Oakridge Oregon
  • Interests
    I lead a grief support group and I enjoy volunteering in my church (Treasurer & on Praise Team, choir) and the senior site, where I do the bingo prizes. I love stamping, hiking, nature, singing. I am a retired Office Mgr./Bkpr.

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  1. I have a dear friend who married her first love, they were married well over 50 years...it's been about three years now since he passed and she still hasn't cried. She misses him and loves him, she's not holding anything in, she also is puzzled as to why no tears. I would not worry about it. Quite honestly, so many things can affect how we grieve, it's very individual. You are very early in the journey, there are no expectations, no one-size-fits-all way about it. The tears will come when they come...or not. It is NOT an indicator of how much you love her, no guilt deserved! I love how you choose to honor your mom, by raising your son as she raised you, what better honor and compliment could you give her! I love Megan Devine, her book is a godsend to so many of us!
  2. I was actually HOPING for that, I have not heard back from my doctor yet as how to proceed, it's been a week since the test results, it seems a month.
  3. VERY good point, Marty! I know in Jim's case, he later told me he felt guilty for all the time he'd spent with me in the year prior to his mom's death, but he had no way of knowing she would die, she didn't have a "condition", just failure to thrive in her 80s. He was always a good son, there whenever she needed him, saw her and talked to her regularly, but as we all know, guilt feelings don't necessarily have to do with ration or facts. And they're still there to contend with.
  4. Wow. You are being respectful of his decision, that's all you can do. You are a wonderful person. You did not deserve this. No one does. It is a side effect, another casualty of loss/grief. I am so sorry. I hope he will continue to co-parent and be in his kids' lives, they still need their dad. Has he mentioned anything about that? Grief or not, parenting can't be put on hold. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you are making your way through this.
  5. This is a common grief response, my dog had inoperable cancer, his liver shut down, he was suffering, yes he could still walk, but his quality of life leaving more each day, I kept him alive 2 months 10 days past diagnosis, STILL I felt the same as you, I thought, "He could be here with me right now if I hadn't put him to sleep." But at what cost to HIM? A friend of mine let their chow die of natural causes (also cancer), he was 19, couldn't walk, was in pain, I felt that was cruel and cowardly to let the dog suffer because THEY didn't want to let him go! I vowed never to do that. It is the hardest thing in the world to know/decide "when." Even with the chow, I can't judge them, I only felt for me I would not, could not, let my Arlie go through that. A responsible pet parent puts their animals discomfort ahead of what they want. When they die their suffering ends and ours begins. Our one consolation is that they are at peace and no longer suffering. I am sorry you are going through this, I know how it hurts inside...it's a year on the 16th since I lost my Arlie and I think of him every day and miss him with all my heart. I have to live with this heartache but I know HE is okay now. I'd give anything to have him back, his life went too fast, he was only 11 1/2 (he was a big dog), it seems yesterday I rescued him. You gave your Jaylo a good life and love her and cared for her and that was the best she could want.
  6. I feel with you...in 11 days it'll be one year since I lost my Arlie. I just ordered a custom made memory bracelet, like this one only in blue and with an A. Thinking of you...
  7. My Jim is an Aspie, they are indeed different socially. He is highly intelligent but I can't imagine being married to one, best off as friends. They tend to not have a filter, they're just "out with it." Not malicious though. It made it easier for me once I realized this, I'd kind of laugh off some of the things he said. But he's very loyal to family and friends. Am going to let go of my church treasury position at the end of my term, in January. Will begin training someone next month. I'm sticking to my guns and going to put my health first, I have to. Yes!
  8. Does that mean politicians?? Might be some truth to that!
  9. I had loads of stress in the last week, but Sunday things turned around, so it gave me a bit of reprieve. I have decided to let my term of office run out as church treasurer the end of the year and will begin training someone next month. It was something I've given thought to for a couple of years but had been back and forth about it, but with some things happening, changes, plus the immense pain I'm in with my right hand, I feel the time is right. Still have heard nothing from my doctor even though it's been a six days since my nerve conduction study. The tests revealed my nerves are severed in the carpal tunnel area from the hard jerk Joe gave me months ago. The doctor said it's past the point of no return. Still praying for healing, but however God chooses to do that, through a miracle or surgery, I hope for that. Cannot do surgery until next April as I have to be able to haul firewood and shovel snow...and the recovery time is VERY slow for this, six months to a year. Starting after the snows are gone gives me the best possible chance of making it through this on my own, as I have no one to help me, plus gives me more time to get Kodie not to pull. I've begun training him on the Halti, but cannot unfasten it with my left hand, not even with pliers! Don't know why they make it so difficult! So will not be able to use it after surgery unless/until I have full recovery. I'm sorry your dad feels like giving up. That must be very hard to watch. Dementia is such a different ballgame...very complex and difficult for the family as well as the person. I hear you on people! Had a week that made me want to live on a desert island! But it's getting better. I'm sorry family is so disappointing for you. Am getting cooler weather for a few days, will be 80 today, then 70s, even rain on Thursday! Will believe it when I see it, but it will be quite welcome as fire danger is high.
  10. I am sorry for what you are going through...anticipatory grief is unique in that we are grieving the loss of someone who is still here with us because we know they are slipping away from us as we once knew them, and also the loss of future hopes/dreams/time with them. Perhaps you can send her cards or call her if she is cognizant enough. It is very hard. My mom was in a dementia care center for two years, two months, and it was so hard not being able to see her every day, she was two hours away from me, but I visited regularly...yet she'd forget five minutes later. It broke my heart to think she wondered where everyone was, I imagine it's a lot like that with many unable to get visits due to COVID. Say a prayer for her and realize that while you feel you're losing her, she will be at peace, my one consolation with those I've loved and lost. (((hugs)))
  11. This is typical of those whose grief response is this way. They view the relationship as a stressor, and feel they don't have it within them to give anything, whereas they don't see the others in their lives as requiring something from them. This may not be rational yet they don't usually understand why they are responding as they are, which makes them feel guilty and torn and can lead up to them pulling away altogether. None of this seems to make sense to us and feels unfair! I advise you to do what is best for YOU just as she does what she feels best for HER. We can only carry a relationship one sided for so long before it seems unhealthy to us and often it's out of our control anyway as they cut us off. To give you mixed messages and yank you around emotionally is very unfair to you. I'm sorry, I know how much it hurts and is confusing!
  12. I woke up to find a total stranger stalking me on FB, he "liked" about 30 of my posts from back a year, two, five even! It creeped me out. His profile looked to be invented, no family or anything personal. Telling me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, ha! I know that's BS! Blocked him. At first I still saw his comment, it scared me that it hadn't taken but apparently there's a lag time in the blocking, it's gone now.
  13. Alas she is a neighbor, I sometimes hire her son to plow my snow, I've learned never to cut off neighbors entirely, so instead choose to ignore her messaging, not read them, not respond, at least for now. Don't know what is the matter with her! Sometimes zealots can get like that. Still holding the door open for Lani (Joe's mom) too, I love her dogs and her kids and hopefully she'll get past this. I've never attacked her or caused her defensiveness, and I can't help that I can't walk Joe anymore, I still love him totally. I don't consider any of this Joe's fault, he's old, he's in pain, his owners are not getting vet care for him, he doesn't hear and can't see well. It makes me wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had adopted him and gotten him the veterinary care he needed. My daughter had horrid headaches from the anti-anxiety Rx Paxil the doctor put her on as a teenager, she refused to stay on it, not giving it a chance for her body to adjust to it. Instead someone offered her marijuana and that relieved her anxiety w/o pain...she couldn't stay on it though as it wasn't legal at the time. Now it is and she probably can't afford it. Not good for developing brains! I have my will written too Marg but need to change it because I'll be danged if I want anything going to my daughter's ex. I think it should go to my kids and if they die first, either to the other child or to their own offspring. Back when it was written there were no offspring and they were both happily married. Things change. I have a lot of respect for Dr. Graham. None of us are perfect but he seemed to be above reproach, that's more than most of us can say! I'm glad you reminded her of that! I don't understand this person! Her TELLING you this wipes out any good intent she'd thought she'd done! You sure she's not a sociopath? Grr!
  14. Marg, if my sister Donna were still alive we'd be celebrating her birthday in two days. I miss her. She had a hard life, being quadriplegic, and unable to communicate very well, they severely damaged her vocal chords when the did the emergency tracheotomy that saved her life. She was an amazing inspiration....the accident that render her such took her three year old baby boy, Jimmy. Mick lived through it, he was four months old, my parents eventually adopted him when his dad gave him up. They'd raised him since he was an infant excepting the year his dad kidnapped him. He went through some rough patches when he was a teen but he turned out great, I'm proud of him! Donna had to adjust to so much but she learned the art of enjoying what good there is. I wrote her a letter a few months before she died, telling her how much she had inspired me. She never mentioned it but I'm glad I told her. I hope you have a great birthday! Cindy, our pastor's wife took me to lunch yesterday, wonderful place! I need to take my sister Peggy there. I owe her a birthday lunch, long overdue because of the pandemic.
  15. https://www.healthjourneys.com/blog/ask-belleruth/have-you-heard-of-emotional-freedom-technique-eft.html https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html
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