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Everything posted by kayc

  1. Try not to let random dreams get to you...not all of them are visitations/messages, some might have to do with what you ate last night or fears you've pondered momentarily or a movie you watched. Don't affix anything to him that is out of character for him. You know he'd never leave you of his own accord! I'm so sorry it hit you so painfully. Sometimes dreams seem so realistic we forget THEY ARE NOT REAL. If you get a good dream, savor it, if you get a bad one, dismiss it. Stop and think about how it really was between you...that's how both of you still feel.
  2. That's good enough for me! We have need of marriage here for legalities and such, there we won't. We are affirmed in our hearts. We're supposed to get hammered with snow here tonight on, predicting it all week. I have to work at the church Sat. on the reporting, I wish they'd postpone the state quarterly taxes, but no such luck, so I'll have to come back another time for that, too much to get done in one day. Supposed to count $ tomorrow and deposit it, may not be able to go anywhere. I got 3 wheelbarrows of wood in today so should be okay if I can't reach my firewood this week, plus I always keep 5-7 days in my patio rack, so I'm set for that. Made a huge pot of soup, chicken and lots of vegetables. This weather warrants it. It's been POURING rain today!
  3. I don’t think it is about money. What I meant was Karen's doctor making her do televisit instead of just dropping off a UA specimen. So he can be paid, because otherwise all he'd get is for the UA, not an OV which they get paid even if televisit. I heard mail is safe because it doesn't live on paper, I hope not, who knows. Marg, you had A/C on this week and I shoveled snow, ha! don't like extreme weather, would that it were 50-70's all year! Today it's windy and sprinkling a little. Don't mind a little rain, we need it. They can keep the snow further up the mountain, here it melts anyway. Karen, no plexiglass here yet but that IS a great idea! Would that they'd all adopt it. Today I read that a man in the valley threw his dog from over his head to the floor, slamming her...she cried as he was doing it and afterwards, then was quiet. She was a mama to a litter of puppies. They never keep animal abusers in jail. Maybe someone will do him the same, who knows, I can't bear the thought of someone abusing the innocent. Made me hold Kodie a little closer to me. They took the dog to a vet but her puppies are still there so someone else must be living there. Need to remove them all as he'll get out and come back there, makes me sick. @kevin I'm so sorry about your daughter but hopefully this will protect her during this time. It breaks my heart that anyone can feel like she's feeling.
  4. Here the governor said we can still walk our dogs, we just have to make sure we're 6' from anyone. They closed state parks and all playgrounds here. We don't need signs, it's the law right now and the onus is upon us to keep up on the law. Ha, I've been doing the same thing! Don't know what I'm preparing for! Did I stay sane? That is the question...
  5. The Bible says there is no marriage in heaven. Otherwise who would someone be married to that married more than once? I believe we'll have our memories, know each other, and I believe we'll always be close. This is one subject I hate going to because it's distressing for many to hear that...me personally, I trust God to work it all out and know what's best. I also trust my relationship with George and know we'll always be each other's number one fan and love each other...I don't need a title to substantiate that. Also regarding our decayed or incinerated bodies...we'll have a new body.
  6. It could be you're projecting your feelings of isolation and it's affecting your dreams. Don't accept/believe that anything has come between you to force anything other than the complete closeness and love you always have shared. Choose to realize that regardless of all that has happened, the two of you are still tight. George and I based our relationship on faith in each other and I've continued that in the long years since his death even as I know he has too on the other end. This is but time apart. I truly believe we'll be together again. it was nothing short of a miracle that we found each other and were so perfect for each other...I believe another miracle can brings us back together when I'm done here.
  7. I wouldn't have the first clue how to do a televisit, don't even have Skype here. It would be convenient if it worked, but some things they need to see. Inside Edition showed it last night the doctor looking into the person's throat...it can't be as clear as it would be in person. They can't listen to your heart beat or take your blood pressure or weigh you. There's a lot they'd miss. Seems to me a UA being dropped off should be enough. Is it all about money?
  8. So true. I am a Christian...I asked "why" repeatedly in those early days/months...I never got an answer. Some things are beyond us to understand. I finally quit asking. Acceptance does not mean we like it. It does not mean we agree with it, we never gave our consent to this. It just is. It simply means we realize this has happened and incorporate those facts into our lives going forward. I remember in those early months after my grown son had said something to me, responding, "George isn't here! Trust me, I've looked! He's not in the bedroom, not in the living room, not in the dining room, not in the shop, he's NOT HERE!" I don't recall exactly what prompted that outburst, only recall having it. This is the hardest thing in the world to have sink into us. It's a process.
  9. GinGin, I am so sorry for your loss...losing my husband and later my dog Arlie were the two roughest things I've had to go through. My husband George was sudden, unexpected, a shock. Arlie I lost bit by bit as he had inoperable cancer as well as Lymphoma. I know what you speak of when you talk about the last eight months, I went through it not only with my dog, but my MIL, whom I was caretaker for the last three years of her life as cancer ravaged her body. We try to remember the better times but even the cancer journey is part of our memories with them. I wrote an article of the things that I found helpful in the first ten years of my journey...one of the most crucial was learning to take one day at a time. You mention not knowing how you should feel...however you are feeling, that is how you should feel. Everyone's grief journey is as unique as the person and their relationship. Throw the "shoulds" away and let yourself flow through this...we can't circumvent grief, there's no way around it but straight through it, tears and all. We'll be here for you if you want us to. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  10. I am so sorry, I can't imagine anything worse than what you have been through and continue to go through. I can get how this current pandemic must be escalating your fears for your other children. I hope you'll take to heart what Marty said, she's one of the best and knows her field. Even though most places aren't offering in person visits right now, they can still do phone visits. I wish you could have been able to ensure that the person responsible for your child's death was never able to care for children again...that said, I know there is no true justice in this world because if there were, you'd have your child back. One of the things I learned when my husband died was the love continues, we continue to hold them in our heart, our way of interacting has changed though. Sending you thoughts of comfort as you go through another anniversary of death.
  11. I'm glad your dad is better for the moment...surely wish he'd try the throat stretching, it'd make all the difference in the world and many never have to have it repeated. Next time he chokes you might remind him. Maybe if he hears it enough? I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to have answers/help and he won't listen. My kids grew up here...they both have a huge love for nature. If I ever have to leave here, there is a trailer court & RV Park ten miles away that is beautiful...they're by the river and have a path you can walk on next to it and benches to sit out on. It's a place I'd consider if I ever have to downsize and this place is too much for me.
  12. When we see a graphic image like that, it can stay with us quite a while. With me, my Fluffy (dog) snuck into my van when I'd left the back end open while tending to my cat. I closed it and drove to work, hot summer day. It was totally closed up. My dog's brain burst from the heat while I was working just a few feet away in my office. When I got off at 5, I opened the door and he rolled out stiff as a board into my arms. I'll never forget that moment even though it's been over 20 years. The intensity lessens with time but we do not forget. If it continues to haunt you, you might want to seek help. They can do EMDR or EFT. Professional grief counseling can help. There are some who specialize in loss of pet. It can also help to memorialize them (see article listed above in November). You might try writing a letter stating what you are thinking/feeling...who knows but what they can hear us as we read it to them. It can be therapeutic regardless as it helps to express ourselves. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-using-eye-movement.html https://www.healthjourneys.com/blog/ask-belleruth/have-you-heard-of-emotional-freedom-technique-eft.html https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html
  13. Not looking likely because the person will close their bank account and have nothing there for eBay/Paypal to refund me, now is the time it needs resolved, not two months from now when quarantine is over. It's a Singapore tracking number and their listing stated USA/USPS. It was a scam. I think they used this vulnerable time knowing eBay would not be around watching things and helping people. Karen, day 1 of the snowpocolypse last year I came down with an infection, no water to bathe with, couldn't talk to the doctor, let alone go there, it was bad timing. I still hope the doctor will do something for you. So wrong! I have a copy of my receipt but since they removed the listing, no proof of it stating USA not Singapore, or their history the prior week. Tried reporting through eBay but none of their premade forms cover suspicion of fraudulent listing. If I could talk to an employee I could get some help but they aren't there. I went through my credit card/Paypal but not sure I can get anywhere there either w/o messing up my Paypal account and no one is there either. What a time to go through this! I have a doctor's appt 4/6 for a physical, will be surprised if they don't cancel it. Also a dermatology appt same day, need to see them as I have two suspicious spots ( possible skin cancer), been waiting since Feb. to get referral and appt and can't afford to put it off until after this Coronavirus is over. I don't have the bandwidth for televisits, I've been viewing more stuff at my Diabetic Group and that's taken a lot of my allotment, this slow speed internet is killing me! In addition to the cranberry juice, yogurt with acidophilus. I don't know if there's any health food stores open but they sell it in liquid form, if not, go for the yogurt with it. If you hate yogurt, sweeten it with berries & honey. Cotton underwear for air. I hope it gets better soon! Not fun, ever!
  14. Oh Karen, I'm so sorry, I can't believe he won't prescribe under the situation. I wouldn't be able to do a televisit either. I bought something on eBay, said it was in the US, $87, said it was shipping USPS, still not in their system, eBay removed the listing, I'm out my $ and neither eBay nor Paypal answering their phones, sent their employees home. First time in the 18 years I've dealt with them, wouldn't you know. But I'd rather be out $87 than have a UTI and a doctor not doing anything for you..
  15. Kevin, I am so sorry. There are no words adequate, all I can do is pray...for you...for her. (((hugs)))
  16. I am so sorry. Things happen beyond our control that we cannot foresee, I know you never meant for this. I wish I had words that would comfort you, the pain of losing our beloved animals is great, and all the harder when we're feeling responsible. I went through that many years ago with my Fluffy and will never forget it. In addition to the articles Marty has listed, I hope these will be of help to you: http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
  17. Ours is from polio vaccinations. A girl in gradeschool with me contracted polio when she was a baby and couldn't walk because of it. My little sister got her vaccination in her ankle so she doesn't have the scar, I still have mine, upper left arm. Dee, congrats on the shots working! Karen, our governor ordered dental office and vets closed unless for emergencies. They canceled my dental appt and I canceled Kodie's vet appt. We went from 3.3% unemployment to so high they won't release the numbers! Crazy. Just read in the paper it could get to 20%. My mortgage institution (US Bank) didn't offer any help to anyone with their loans, some are giving skipped payments. They even skipped a month's statement so we didn't know where we stood...had to call them yesterday as my payment came out the day before. Haven't heard of any helps from our local utilities either. I hope my daughter is having better luck in Eugene. No increase in my 10 GB/month data allowance. Here's an article that tells how they're figuring the stimulus check amount you'll get. You can't get more than you paid in taxes in 2018. https://www.cnbc.com/2020/03/20/coronavirus-rescue-checks-may-shortchange-americans-on-social-security.html?fbclid=IwAR2g8LI4FYai_xW9sSU0M91ZAcgYpKDStwQPBsQlMLd4y2_qmzdMDaisVuI OR doesn't give breaks on property taxes unless you're a business owner that they want in the area. No refunds, no discounts. They can spend money as fast as we send it in!
  18. Exactly, until you die or sell, then they have to be paid at once including interest. Often there's nothing left. A friend of mine lives in IL and they do not charge their seniors property taxes on the home they live in. It'd be nice if OR did that too. My mom deferred her property taxes for nearly 30 years, between that and paying off her credit line and the dementia care facility for two years, wasn't much left, my brother got the pittance that was left. So sad, her and my dad built that house and nothing left of it.
  19. They move the same too! I totally love Husky's energy and playfulness. They are so fun! They can also wear you out. Bruno is middle aged now and lays around more but Kodie brings out the pup in him!
  20. I tried to get a picture of him this morning but he never holds still. He is so adorable when he prances down the street, I wish I had a video of it, but alas it's hard enough maintaining control over him. He's grown, more than doubled since I got him. Here's a picture of him with my son's Husky. They have the same movements/mannerisms, it's so cute watching them play together, Bruno tries really hard to be careful of him.
  21. Can you defer your taxes? I have kids to leave mine to (not worth much) so I haven't deferred but if I didn't have kids I would have when I was 62. We have so called appeals too but they never find in our favor. My IRA went down 23.5% so far, hoping it will rebound before I have to start drawing out of it. Ditto to Karen and Marty's responses!
  22. You might want to ask your doctor about that, they couldn't schedule it unless somewhere was willing to take you if need be. How long are they looking at you being out of commission? I know you've tried to avoid this... This too will pass. I remember those nights in that storm, all alone, time seemed to stand still, the blackest blackness I have ever seen. Listening to the trees crashing down all around us, thinking any moment one could crash in on us, more scared for Arlie and Kitty than myself. That was the most alone I'd ever experienced. Knowing I couldn't go anywhere, no escape. At least now I have electricity, phone, internet, refrigerator, water and can walk Kodie down the street. I would not trade this for the storm. Those few days/nights felt like a lifetime, and no way of knowing how long it would last or if help would ever come. Totally cut off from the world. But I survived it, it got over with. The massive damage it did to my property, trees, branches, debris everywhere, but I got it all cleaned up, the worst devastation in the front yard, took me a month to finish, but I did it...by myself. No help. A few months later I hired someone to tackle the downed Madrone in the back yard, it was massive, needed a chainsaw. And all of that is but a memory now, a story to tell my grandchildren someday.
  23. Hold onto that...I do, I know it has to last me a lifetime, what we shared was beautiful and if I never have love again, at least I know I have been loved fully and it has to carry me.
  24. You have been one busy homeowner! I commend you on your diligence! I love the idea of a backtalking cat...I have a backtalking puppy only he uses his arms/paws instead of his voice.
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