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Everything posted by kayc

  1. Darrel, I'm glad you continue to come here and post. As Jame said, your posts also touch me as it's plain to see how much you love your wife. I think those of us here, we had that special something that we were the lucky ones to get, the not so lucky ones to be missing them. Jame, The single best piece of advice I got was taking one day at a time (or hour or minute or whatever we could handle). I'm glad you found this place, it literally saved me when George died. It helps to know there's someone out there that gets it and I'm not alone in this.
  2. I hope all goes well with your dog, Gwen. I understand, Arlie will soon turn 11 and that's getting up there for such a big dog, especially with his condition, but so far he's doing well considering. I hope your dog does okay going in.
  3. I'm sorry, Gwen, rotten timing leading up to the holidays, to be stranded in with a cold, not to mention how it makes you feel. I don't know if you like to read or not, but I'd be huddled on the couch with a quilt and a good book, maybe some hot cider.
  4. kayc


    MAH, I'm so sorry for your loss, that must have been shocking! We don't expect our children to precede us in death that way. I'm sure it's left you feeling vulnerable about life as your dream seems to indicate.
  5. Absolutely! And that book is life altering as far as bringing revelation and understanding to us of those we love...so short and simple but revealing!
  6. He's learning hard things. Perhaps in time he'll also learn to temper it with some people can love you but fall short of what you need. You're not responsible for his view of his dad, just as he isn't responsible for yours, you are both forming your opinions by what you see. You've tried to be his protector, but we can't always protect people from hard truths. You could perhaps point out to him that it is grief affecting your dad, and that everyone grieves differently, in their own time and way.
  7. I don't know that we wouldn't have lasted (I'm pretty tenacious) but it would not have been easy. Like I said, he's a good person but not husband material in my estimation...not someone who procrastinates so much they don't pay their bills in a timely manner, I couldn't handle that, don't know anyone who would like that. To handle money so irresponsibly as to put yourself in danger of becoming homeless...no, that's a serious flaw. But he's kind hearted, sweet, mellow, has a lot of good traits. Ever heard the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath (water)!", well that's kind of how I feel with him, he makes a good friend, but as a partner, that would be tough. Everyone looks for different qualities in a partner, and he has some of the qualities I was looking for, but carried to an extreme, any trait becomes a weakness rather than a strength. Balance is so important! He got to come home from the hospital last night after five days, he's pretty glad to be home and taking seriously the life changes he's going to have to make with his diet. It's going to be a challenge until he gets used to it, but I've never heard him so serious about anything before, I think this was really a wake up call!
  8. I was in charge of making sure the bills got paid and the chores done, George helped in any way he could. But HE was in charge of our socialization, HE was the fun one, the one that was the "idea person" and I miss that. I haven't been to the coast in a few years...not because it's too far to drive, I just tend to get bogged down in working, daily existence, and it's not the same when you don't have that special someone to go with you. Most of us feel alone, even when we're in crowds, you know?
  9. Personally I'm glad it isn't a neon sign because I don't want people to feel if they don't have money, they shouldn't be here, but it's a good reminder to those of us here on a regular basis that we can support this forum in whatever capacity we are able so it continues to be here for us all! It's enough Marty donates so much time and her expertise, we appreciate her willingness to do so! It's easy to set up a Paypal recurring payment, they'll walk you through it by calling 1-888-221-1161.
  10. kayc

    Loss of Sister

    This has been my go to place for over 13 years, when I lost my husband, as no one else seemed to get how I was feeling, I was 52 and didn't know other widows at the time. Now I know lots of them and have a lot of friends that understand how I feel, but it was very different when I was grappling to deal with my fresh grief. A grief counselor can be of help too. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html As well as a grief support group. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html I highly recommend coming to a forum like this to read and post...it's a great supplement as you can come here any time day or night and it helps to know you're not alone in what you're going through.
  11. I think I know Jim well enough to know he is not manipulative, he, as an Aspie, is very blunt and has no filter, when he says something he means it. And all the more so because he didn't say it to me, but to her. But you are right, a person needs to question that particular phrase because often people will use it as a fake excuse. It was something he told her a long time ago as one of the reasons he didn't try to get back with me...he'd also told me he didn't want to hurt anyone else again and if he could do to me what he did when his mom was dying, what if something else happened and he did it again? He has not dated in the eight years since, nor have I. It's a thought that definitely occurred to me as well. If someone does something once, what's to stop them from doing it again? Not that he'd want to, but since he focuses on one thing at a time...if one of his kids was in an accident, he'd likely break up with whoever he was with to take care of them. So I'm glad he realizes that about himself to prevent hurting someone again. I think he said it perhaps out of guilt feelings for what he did to me. He was right.
  12. I realize I won't have him much longer, and that is hard. We're able to talk to each other about anything and I know when the time comes, I'm going to miss him, a lot. My son said I'm exactly the kind of person he needs and he should have kept me. I would have taken good care of him so he wouldn't be in the situation he's in. But I have also learned it's his responsibility to look after himself, not mine. I can give pointers, but you can't make someone live right.
  13. kayc

    Loss of Sister

    I am so sorry for your loss, that she died on her birthday just seems all the harder. I lost a sister this year and very nearly lost my closest sister as well and I know it's a matter of time and I'll be going through this again...to have only one sibling and lose them when your parents are already gone must be very hard, like you're all alone in the world. Did she have any children? I'm sorry for your feelings of aloneness. I'm glad you're able to vocalize your feelings, it helps to get it out if nothing else.
  14. Incidentally, Rae, one of the things Jim's daughter told me was that he didn't feel he was good enough for me.
  15. Yesterday Jim's daughter called and talked to me for an hour...he's in the hospital with CHF, pre-cardiac arrest, and A-fib...his blood pressure 190 over something, never heard of anyone's that high and still alive! I skipped the funeral I'd planned to go to and made the 120 mile round trip to go see him. I hate Riverbend Hospital, it's where they tried to kill me (over-anesthetized, my heart stopped on the operating table), you have to walk for miles to get through the parking and hospital no matter where you have to go, no one to give you directions, it's laid out crazy insane! Anyway, I finally got to him, it scares me that he's going to die in the not too distant future, I really care about this person. He has such a good heart, well not a good physical one, but you know what I mean. What a mess, he doesn't seem to have a handle on life issues, how to take care of himself not just physically, but financially, in every way. I could cry but then how would I stop.
  16. Except it wouldn't take much to hurt a dog or cat's paw if she missed cleaning up a piece. I took Arlie on a walk a couple days ago, and where a person parks their old car, a whole bunch of paint had come off, I mean a LOT of pieces all at once, she must have brushed it off after it snowed. Arlie reached down before I could process what was happening and ATE some of the paint! Mind you, he has acute chronic Colitis and I have to COOK for him and give him probiotics and Metamucil and he goes and does that! No figuring animals sometimes... Seriously, Katie, you have a lot inside of you to process, and getting physical with an activity might help relieve some of what is inside...Marty, sounds like the voice of experience!
  17. We haven't heard from you much lately, Marg, I hope everything is okay?
  18. Gwen, I hope you can make your volunteering, I know how important it is to you, but even if not, maybe in a few days you'll be more up to it. Gosh, girl, you have just been through too much! My friend, Jim, is back in the hospital with CHF, getting his medication back in him, bless the hospital's heart, they got him back on health insurance after the gov't dropped the ball. I'm glad embolism isn't an issue for you, Gwen, and I hope your doggies loved their treat! Sometimes that's really the highlight of my life, making my animals happy. Gosh and you too, Karen, also going through COPD. Nobody warned me what old age was really going to look like! Marita, thank you for sharing the picture, it's good to see you with your horse, so hard when they're gone.
  19. Rae, thank you for pointing out to her to not feel guilty for having feelings. Good for you! @novick23 It's very hard that you work with each other and have to see each other every day. Can you transfer somewhere or even start applying for other jobs? He should at the very least own responsibility for having hurt you and yes of course you feel deceived. I just got off the phone with my ex (Jim)'s daughter...he's in the hospital with CHF and in talking with her I've learned just how irresponsible he's been, to the point of dysfunction. I really dodged a bullet! I told her I felt everything worked out as we should and that we didn't know each other well enough when we got into a relationship. I'm glad we're just friends, not married. I still care about him though and would like to see him get better and his life to work out, but he has to do it, I can't. In a way I can't help but feel all of us here dodged a bullet! It may have hurt like hell, we didn't understand at the time it happened, but in looking back things become clearer. Things we didn't see or acknowledge, well, they're there, we can see them now. I know Rae and I have learned a tremendous amount through our experiences. The best thing I hope for you, novick, is to get clarity and also peace and healing. Draw from your strength, it's there, reach deep down inside and pull from it, you'll be amazed how strong you can be, that you're an overcomer.
  20. kayc

    Simultaneous Grief and Love

    That's the only way it can work, in my estimation. I'm very happy for you, Maryann!
  21. I actually made Grinch Christmas cards a couple years ago. They didn't go over well. It was always one of my favorite specials, but then I love Dr. Seuss. Gwen, I've gone through it too many times, getting "validated", pressing this number, that number, you go through it for 20 minutes, they transfer you, you do it all over again, three times, then get disconnected so you have to start all over again, that after a wasted half hour! I feel gypped, I worked in offices for 45 years, took care of everyone, where is MY customer service now that it's my turn?! Gone. That is a relic of the past. Karen, I went to the dentist yesterday too...120 mile round trip...nearly lost my life several times on Hwy 126 and Hwy 58! People are crazy behind the wheel! A little trick with a broken tooth...if air gets in and causes pain, while you're waiting getting in to the dentist, put orthodontic wax in it, it temporarily seals it so no air gets in causing you pain. Wow, 20 boxes of Christmas stuff? I think mine is only four and I have plenty! Nope, I'm not shopping either, I ordered my grandkids a trampoline on line, to be delivered to their place, giving my kids money and my sister Peggy a non-slip mat for her shower and sending someone to her home to cut her hair. No one else wants to do Christmas presents this year, keeps it simple!
  22. Wow, I didn't know you had SIX sisters! I thought my family was big, with four sisters and a brother! I know how you mean with Rich's family not having anything to do with you anymore, that's how it was with George's family. I guess they only put up with me on his account? Weird. Anyway, I hope the move goes well for you and it's a good move (no pun intended) on your part. Let us know what you decide! It's good you figured out how you felt before marrying...believe me!
  23. Oh God, I went through that, I'm so sorry, not fun! Tell them to supply it again. As many times as it takes. It took me literally MONTHS to get satisfaction! I lost count of the phone call.s I filed an appeal. Sometimes it just takes getting one person who gives a rip and does their job. Until then we have to fight through all the bad apples. Makes me wonder if they're TRYING to drive us over the edge! Oh Gwen, my heart goes out to you, I also hate it getting dark so early, I wish they hadn't changed time, that the days were longer. I hate winter closing in on us, going through the cold, the bad roads, being stuck here, all of it. And you're dealing with so much more, I can't imagine...but I care.
  24. Katie, Gin says it aptly...we are pulling for you. Maybe you should buy a punching bag and install it in your garage? I did that once years ago when I was going through a lot, it actually helped me get some of my feelings out.
  25. Katie, You are so right, it feels VERY wrong! I'm so sorry, Honey, I wish I could put my arms around you, I know you're in so much pain. (((hugs)))