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Everything posted by kayc

  1. kayc

    Living with Loss

    I am heartsick. I made the 100 mile round trip to get Jackson, a Terrier/Schnauzer. He is everything on my list, he's 20+ lbs, adorable, he can smile, he's playful and likes to walk. But he's bitten me four times and bared his teeth at me...and I've only had him 2 1/2 hours. I cannot take care of a dog that bites me for everything, I can't have him around my grandkids and am scared to leave my cat alone with him. They didn't warn me that he is vicious. One of the bites is all the way to the bone and there's no doctor nearby. I cleaned and dressed it, at least he has his shots. Now I have to figure out how to get him back to them this week, sooner better than later. It's a horrible feeling, I've never returned an animal, but then none of my dogs has bitten for any reason. I'm choosing to think of this as a "visit" rather than an adoption, it helps because I know I'm going to have to let him go. He met all my criteria...if it weren't for the biting. I think it may be a while before I think of doing this again.
  2. Today would have been our 18th anniversary. It's pouring rain like no get out and I have to go to Springfield in this, hoping for no slides on the highway. Hardly slept last night for anxiety. Gwen, I hear you...got a letter from my health insurance, wants me to "go over my medicines with them", have done this time and again, why do they think I have a doctor? Blood pressure Rx in question I've been on for YEARS, it's working, why change it?! Side effects they list I don't have. Threw their stupid letter away. They apparently have a problem with one of my diabetic Rxs too but my doctor says it's safer than the other one people use, I wish they'd leave the doctoring to her.
  3. Satchel, I am so sorry. Your feelings are understandable, you've always looked out for her, been there and feel like you should have been able to save her...but sometimes it's not within our power to. I recently lost my dog who was my companion for 10 1/2 years, I lost my husband previously, and when I found out my dog had inoperable cancer, all I could do was try to get him to eat and make him as comfortable as possible...but I felt like I should have known sooner, even though the vets didn't catch it during his physical not long before that. We put responsibility on ourselves when we don't have the medical training and can't be expected to know, nor can we stop some things just because we don't want them. I'm sure you were a good sister to her all these years, and that is what she would remember. I lost my sister 1 1/2 years ago even though I fought for her...she was quadriplegic and the blankety-blank government was going to move her to a different foster care right before the holidays, I said NO and they threatened to kick her off medical insurance and I said, go ahead, you're not moving her from the best home she's ever known. (They didn't kick her off insurance, I reported the person and went above her head). She died of pneumonia within months, they wouldn't admit her to the hospital. At least she got to be with the people she loved, but honestly it makes me so mad that they just gave up on her and wouldn't do anything about her, because she was quadriplegic and they didn't figure her life counted? IDK, it's all so hard. I hope this article helps you as much as it did me: http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
  4. I am so sorry for the loss of your sister...I lost mine 1 1/2 years ago. I had a dog with cancer in the brain and it did cause him to act out of character, so I'm sure the anger was related to the cancer, especially as she saw her life being robbed. I hope you are able to let go of taking it personally and remember who she was as a whole, over the course of her lifetime instead of just the recent years. I recently lost (another) dog to cancer and watching him go downhill bit by bit was horrible. He was suffering so I had him euthanized, the hardest decision I ever made. I also had a MIL that had cancer, she was bedridden with it for three years and I was her daytime caregiver, my FIL had the night shift. Watching her go bit by bit was incredibly hard. I can't imagine this NOT affecting them emotionally, mentally, in every way. I'm sorry you couldn't get through to the suicide hotline, perhaps you could try a different time of day. Nights/weekends are the hardest for people so they might be the busiest also. I'm sorry that is your experience. All of our friends disappeared on me when my husband died. People said stupid things. No, they don't get it unless they've been through it and even then grief is as individual as our unique relationships.
  5. kayc

    Living with Loss

    My Arlie, I love you and miss you so much. It's so hard to get used to living without you. I clean off your grave and know your sweet body lays below it, it seems so unreal. I wish to kiss your sweet face again, to hold you, to watch your ever present smile. There is no dog like you, you were wonderful to live with, a wonderful companion. You brought joy in my life, the greetings you gave me when I'd come home! I loved your excited squeal. You are one in a trillion, that is for sure. The perfect roommate. I live for the day I can be with you again. I hope the naysayers are wrong...I just can't help but feel God is too smart to waste such a precious spirit, you are His greatest gift to me. I love dogs, but you are tops.
  6. I would be so annoyed! It's 100+ mile round trip every time I get blood drawn or see a doctor, anything but handy! And I know it's hard for you to be out. I hope they do it right this weekend!
  7. Lynda, When I lost my George (we knew each other 6 1/2 years, only married 3 years 8 months) my big joy was gone. I look for what I call the "little joys", nothing too small to count, it can be anything, a stranger letting you merge in traffic (a miracle), an unexpected check, a call from my sister, getting together with friends...I have learned not to compare what is to what was, comparisons are real joy-killers. It takes practice. I was in utter shock in the beginning, never in my life expected him to die right after his 51st birthday. My heart goes out to you in our loss, this is something none of us would wish on anyone. Little by little we learn to adjust and cope but I don't think our married friends have a clue what this is like. He was my world, we were best friends, lovers, everything to each other. I realize these little things may not seem joyous to you, but I've learned to embrace anything good and not disregard it, I've learned to live in the present and take one day at a time, it has helped tremendously.
  8. I'm glad they didn't have FB when George was alive, I think they had MySpace but we didn't get into it that much...if I had FB slapping me with memories, it'd be hard. There has to be a setting to turn them off. I do have George fishing as my wallpaper there, and once in a while it asks if I want to change it...hell no! Thanks for asking!
  9. It takes time, much time, to adjust to this. In the beginning it seems inconceivable. I do enjoy some things but of course nothing is the same as it was when he was here. Lynda, you are still feeling this freshly, keep remembering to take a deep breath and do one day at a time. No, it's not the way any of us saw or planned our lives...
  10. kayc

    Living with Loss

    So I painted three rocks and put them on Arlie's grave but discovered the sealant undid when it rained, so I moved them to his doghouse as a way to honor him. I'd cleaned out his doghouse and gotten rid of the quilts because of the cancer smell, although it pained me to do so. I won't be using his doghouse again as I'll never have a dog that size again and his doghouse was actually built too big, fortunately he had a lot of fur to keep warm. It will stay there as a tribute to my boy. This place will always be his, I hope his spirit can visit and see that.
  11. You did a great job of recovery with that, I know it takes a lot of work. I hope you won't need knee replacements. Last night I injured my thumb, am hoping it's just badly bruised and not broken. It felt kind of dead/numb so I hope there isn't nerve damage. Iced it, I'm learning just how many things you use your thumb for! Shoveling snow should be fun this year with an injured shoulder and thumb and my already damaged knees and feet. Oh the fun of getting older! (I won't say old).
  12. Thank you. I'm going to look at a dog Saturday. The rescue told me he smiles but the foster dad says he does not. Disappointing. On FB someone said they hope I find the perfect dog, and I said the perfect dog I laid to rest...but I hope to appreciate another's unique qualities...I don't have hope to ever love another like I do Arlie, that place in my heart is taken. I'm painting rocks for his grave, have done three so far, I especially love the one where he's in our truck, going for a ride. When I've done a bunch of them, I'll have to photograph it for my thread. He is my heart and soul, my gentle giant.
  13. Wow, and I've had a fire going in my woodstove for 1 1/2 months!
  14. Personally, I think you might need more time before you could consider friendship. There's good reason for the "no contact" period. In my situation it's been over nine years since the break up and we had been engaged for a year prior...I am actually thankful we did NOT marry...in the years since he took in his ex wife (married 30 years) as she would have been homeless. I think she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet instead of being rescued and taken care of like a child, his daughter recently said the same thing to her mom. BUT none of that is my business, just glad I'm not married to him and having to live with his ex! He is a good person and I value our friendship but have to put what is best for me ahead and am glad I've learned that and not trying to fix him...I have long since learned you can't fix people, like you said, it has to come from within themselves. I'm supportive of the positive changes he's made for himself over the years but he still has a long ways to go (things like about to lose his house because he buried his head in the sand and didn't pay his property taxes for five years. He's been bailed out of his problems before but didn't learn from them...people seldom do when someone else bails them out. When we were engaged, I remember telling him if we married I would handle the finances, keeping him appraised, of course. Sometimes it's nice just to have yourself to worry about! Best of luck to you!
  15. kayc

    Living with Loss

    I am going to look at a dog Saturday, taking a friend with me. He meets the criteria except I've heard Terriers bark a lot, I hope not incessantly, Arlie was so quiet, he had me spoiled. But it's hard to find a quiet dog. This is a tough decision... Still grieving Arlie, I don't think there IS a getting over him...and I imagine the new one will trigger missing Arlie a lot...but hopefully help with the void a bit too. Am wondering what his backstory is, he's in foster care with a rescue.
  16. GREAT grandfather? But you're too young! CONGRATULATIONS! Love the pictures!!
  17. I went through a degree of that also with my ex...after his mom died, we'd reconnected after a few months no contact. He was also confused, didn't seem to know his own mind, all over the place. I learned not to put any stock by what he said (I love you, etc), he'd not contact me for a couple of weeks and then act like it used to be. I put a wall around my heart to protect myself and we developed friendship. After nine years it's beginning to wane as we live 75 miles apart so naturally we both have other friends closer in proximity. Good luck with it, pay attention to your own needs...I'm glad you realize what is going on and don't fall prey to her confusion and weak moments.
  18. kayc

    Memories of Arlie

    One day Kitty was sitting on the stepstool in the kitchen when Arlie came in to see about his food. She reached out and blopped him with her sharp claws, narrowly missing his eye. He reached out and very gently blopped her back, being careful not to hurt her. He’d had enough and needed to show her he wasn’t going to just take it. She looked all mad and sharp and ran off in an indignant huff! I told her it served her right, to quit being mean to him, he didn’t deserve it. I couldn’t believe how gentle he was even at teaching her a lesson.
  19. kayc

    Going to sleep

    Oh man, my heart is with you, I know how hard that day was. I wouldn't have made it without my son...he took the day off work, drove here 2 1/2 hours the night before, brought his auger to help with digging the grave, even brought his Baja so Arlie could jump into it because he thought the Nissan pickup might be too hard for him...he was right. Arlie had gotten so weak he barely made it into the Baja. Still I got my last walk in with him, and fixed him a special breakfast with his Colitis diet and omelet/cheese mixed in. He was happy about that and I brought a can of catfood with us, he'd always wanted one, he scarfed it down like he couldn't believe it. I hope there are some special memories today and not only the losing him part. Sending you thoughts for comfort and peace with your little guy.
  20. He remembers it how he chooses to believe it, he has his own construct in his mind. Ya can't get through to people like that. I'm glad you were clear and firm with him. I too am so thankful for my relationship with God, but sometimes I think things happen that are not His will, like babies starving and rape and murder, so I take death with a grain of salt, that it maybe didn't need to happen when it did or how it did... think it'd be easier to have blind faith in everything but that's not how I see it. At least I have God to go through it all with me, don't know what I'd do without that. Hard enough with!
  21. I've lost so many animals over the years, but none has hit me like this. I looked on line at dogs for hours last night, sent a couple of inquiries, but none struck me like Arlie did when I first laid eyes on his picture...and then to discover he had such an amazing personality, I just feel there is no perfect dog like him. I just want him back.
  22. kayc

    Living with Loss

    I don't have a dog now that Arlie is gone, I've looked but none have struck me as the right one. I have been walking my neighbor's dog, Joe, who is 11 1/2. Joe is having arthritis issues and limping pronounced, so I gave them Arlie's hemp oil and was amazed yesterday at what a difference just one dose had made for him! I had planned on returning the three unopened bottles I have but now I'm instead going to donate it for Joe. I also donated Arlie's Comfortis to Joe and his brother & sister. I visit Arlie's grave and cannot help but cry, I miss him so much, in two more days it will be two months and the pain is still just as great. It takes what it takes. I have never had a loss of an animal hit me so great, but he was special and so was our bond. It's as painful as losing my husband was and I thought nothing could hit me that hard. He has been all to me these past 10 1/2 years and as my son pointed out, I got to have Arlie longer than I did George. Not only that, but I retired with Arlie so spent more time with him, no longer having to go to work. I guess it's no wonder it's hitting me so hard. I love him so much and miss his sweet face. I spent so much time just looking at him, his beautiful smile, he was beautiful and happy, always such a joy to be around. 8 1/2 weeks...in just two days it'll be two months. Hard to believe, it feels like yesterday.
  23. I don't know if this person has their settings set up to receive notifications when there's been a response to their thread, or not. I was a daddy's girl and lost my dad in my 20s...he missed so much of my life. I'm 67 now and he missed meeting his grandkids, that is one of the biggest, but I did tell them stories about him and kept his picture up. My daughter had dimples and a wonderful personality and I told her how much her grandpa would have loved her. My son graduated Valedictorian, served his country, graduated with three engineering degrees and was Commencement Speaker, straight A's and debt free, and I shared with him how proud his grandpa would have been with him, and also when he remodeled his homes (my father was a master carpenter). There are ways we can share with our kids after they die so they feel they know them even though they died beforehand. There are also ways we can honor them. http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/parent-loss-continuing-their-song.html Does it get any easier? In my opinion, yes. I lost my beloved husband 14+ years ago and I can't begin to tell you how excruciating the pain was at the time...eventually the pain's intensity lessens as we begin to adjust and cope, it takes time but our grief evolves even though it doesn't have an actual ending. We will always miss those that we love. I just lost my beloved dog 8 1/2 weeks ago and it's felt just as painful...I still don't know how I'm to live without him. I still visit his grave and cry, I still miss him continually. But from experience I know the pain will eventually lessen. We only get one set of parents but even with my dog I can't replace him with another dog. But I can open my heart and home to other people & animals and enjoy other relationships, even while continuing to miss that mom I've lost, or the dad I lost, the husband, pets, friends, sister, niece, nephew, etc. The older we get, the more losses we go through and when we get to this age, there is a host of people/animals we're missing and we learn to live with loss/grief as part of our everyday existence. This is an article I wrote about ten years after losing my husband, I hope you'll find something in it that is helpful to you: TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
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