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kayc

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  1. I saw it on the news, quite a tantrum, what a sight! I'm not into making a spectacle of myself like that! I suppose if she was younger she'd be one of the rioter/protesters.
  2. Yes, I got that. I've found it's one thing to be alone and it's entirely another thing to experience being alone AFTER having that person you're so close to! To have and lose it...that is so hard. But here I am again. This place used to be bustling, filled with children's laughter, then filled with love and caring, now...gone. The shell of a worn out old mobile home with a broke down old woman living alone. Sounds pathetic, doesn't it?! Even neighbors my age have someone there with them... Yes.
  3. Tamara, I hope it was cathartic to you, I know it was brave and undoubtedly difficult, but good for you, I love that you left flowers there. I'm sure it meant a lot to him that you did that.
  4. Paula, I am so sorry that you also lost your husband! Mine had just turned 51 and his death was sudden, unexpected. I was widowed at 52. That was 15 years ago. I still love and miss him and he is ever on my mind. We were supposed to grow old together, but instead it's just me...alone. I am sorry your BIL makes you feel you have to defend your grief. Hold your ground. You should not have to explain or defend your grief to others, there is no loss like this! I'm also sorry people aren't calling, listening. A lot of times they just don't know how to respond...they either try to "fix it" which they can't, or they realize they can't so they do nothing. Dr. Phil says we have to teach people how to treat us...easier said than done sometimes, esp. in grief, but I've learned to speak up and tell them what's inappropriate and what would be better, what I need. I don't need them to fix a situation that isn't fixable, I need them to listen, care. Even if they can't get it...which they can't. I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years, I hope something in it is of help to you now or later on down the road.... TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  5. I remember feeling some of the same things, at 52 I wasn't ready for my love and sex life to be over all of a sudden when my husband died! But...no choice. Now 15 years later I can honestly say I've learned to live without it. I miss him though, a lot. I think what I miss the very most is his holding me and us being able to talk about things. He was the most caring man I ever met.
  6. I'm sorry you find yourself with the same thing that took your brother. When you reach the point you'll need help, I hope you'll contact Senior & Disabled Services, they can have someone come in to you and help with cleaning, grocery shopping, chores, whatever you need. They offered help to my mom but she declined, instead relying on us kids even though all but one were two hours away from her. We did a lot of commuting. I understand.
  7. I went to Roadhouse Grill, my only dining experience since this started, they were VERY careful! People wear masks until they eat/drink. Employees are masked/gloved. Social distancing kept. Food expensive but good. It was a treat, couldn't afford to do that very often! This is a hard life to live. Our church is being careful, sanitation stations at every door. Automatic dispensers, no touching, masks available for everyone. I can't eat the rice or fruit (I can have berries) but I eat a lot of greens and meat, greek yogurt. Can't have milk except coconut and almond, don't drink it but cook with it a bit. Can't have wheat but can use almond or coconut flour, very expensive so bake sparingly. But it's working and I'm committed to staying the course! We have one restaurant in town open with in house seating now, Chinese, can't eat it, 10 times the amount of sodium, sugary sauces, lots of rice, etc, no-can-do. Quit eating there a few years ago when their sodium took a great up-turn! You are so right! And once the Diabetes starts, look out! That is kind of funny but kind of sad too!
  8. Awe, sweet! They are such wonderful companions! I've thought of getting a cat again but not while Kodie is still a puppy.
  9. I am so sorry for your loss. It's been 11 months since I lost my Arlie, he was my world, my life! I pray you'll find some comfort and peace and glad you realize you will be with him again. Sending you hugs!
  10. I can imagine how hard it must be but I pray for strength for you to get through this and hope you have a satisfactory outcome with it...I know it doesn't bring her back but somehow demanding justice for them is important. My own dog had had a physical not long before and I brought him in for routine teeth cleaning and they did the blood tests and found he had inoperable cancer, his liver shut down. Why hadn't they caught it at his exam? He had a tumor, had they examined him like they should have instead of doing a cursory glance over, they should have found and explored it! We trust them! They charge enough, they're the "professionals," right?! How many times do professionals let us down?! I've discovered how inept doctors and vets can be in their care of us. It's become big business, get us in and out with as little effort expended as possible, charge high rates, don't care! I used to work for a doctor, it wasn't like that way back when! He was caring, not "big business", had his own country practice, did house calls, delivered babies, had to break news about cancer, perform surgery, help a young girl tell her parents she was pregnant, he was caring! Times have changed. I hope you will read these articles, it's a lot at once, maybe one a day? Your Dixie knows you love her. No doubt, it's what you showed her over her lifetime. http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htmhttps://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html This grief is a process...we will always love and miss them. Until we can be together again!
  11. kayc

    My heart

    @DebbieGD I am so sorry for your loss. I know how deep the loss of our animal companion can be because I lost my Soulmate in a Dog, Arlie, 11 months ago the 16th. My love and my grief will be with me until the day I die, he was the perfect dog (for me) and I love him with all of my heart. There are many factors that go into euthanasia, and I'm sure you considered all of them, we do it for THEM, not for us. If it was a decision for us, we would bankrupt ourselves to keep them alive! BUT we do not want them to continue suffering, so the decision is for THEM, to release them from further suffering. I've seen dogs with Diabetes and they can't go indefinitely with it, it takes it's toll on them, once they reach kidney failure you have no option...my 25 year old cat went into kidney and liver failure, they said there is no treatment, I had to have her put to sleep. My beautiful sweet dog, Arlie, had inoperable cancer, spread throughout, liver shut down, he lived 2 months 10 days beyond diagnosis, I did everything I could to make him comfortable, to keep him eating...I did it because I couldn't bear to lose him, I prayed I'd know "when" and I felt he let me know when it was time. But even so, we are our hardest critics, we go through all the "what ifs" frantically searching for a different possible outcome, only there isn't any. There is only what happened. I like Lexilou's response: You two shared 13 years together, no matter how long we get together, it's never enough for us! I got 10 1/2 with Arlie (he was just under a year when I adopted him). I hoped he'd live to 14, it wasn't to be. I lost both my animals within four months of each other and my little family became just me. My son brought me a puppy before Christmas...I had been thinking I probably wouldn't get another dog as I'd already known the most perfect dog in the world and there is no other like him. But I'm glad he did, little did I know we'd have this pandemic and I'd be alone for months at a time! The little guy is not my Arlie, he doesn't do Husky talk, he's harder to take care of as he thinks he can't do his business in our yard or pen (he didn't have a problem doing it in the house though! ) so I have to take him on walks...a LOT. But that's okay, Lord knew I needed the exercise. He is needier, bringing me toys, wanting me to play with him constantly, that's okay, what better thing do I have to do? I miss my Arlie, I always will. Kodie was conceived when Arlie died, and born on my birthday. Maybe Arlie had his paw in this? IDK how that works. Arlie is buried in my backyard so I look out my patio door and see his grave. I go down there and talk to him, Kitty right beside him now. It's hard to believe just a few months ago we were all a family... I totally understand your wanting him with you, and I bet he doesn't mind either! I want to leave you with some articles that I have found of help: http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htmhttps://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html I hope this video brings you some comfort and peace as it has me. I know we'll be together again, we were meant to be!
  12. @ChristinaMM 15 years ago I found this place...it saved my life, literally. That's why I've continued here, long after getting help I badly needed, because I want to be here for others, the way people were here for me. We can't help you if you won't let us though. I encourage you to tell your story and let us respond. I guarantee you nothing will shock us, nothing will shame you, no judgment here! We are here to listen, understand, care, and offer help if we can. There is a vast array of helps here, I have many of them organized into bookmarks I can find and share with others, the same way they helped me when I needed it. This place was here when I lost my husband. It was here when I went through my mom's dementia and subsequent loss. When I lost my sister. Countless friends and pets. When I went through my beloved dog's cancer and then lost him. Loss of my 25 year old cat. Through all the years of learning to grow old alone without my husband here by my side. For some (like me) it is an extended family, for others they pop in and out when they most need it. No matter our preference, it can be a great aid to us. Grief is one of the hardest things to go through. We are hit with a Mack Truck, so to speak, and don't know where to start. We're in shock, grief fog, can't form a thought and certainly don't know how to muddle our way through this...that's why we have each other! It helps to express yourself, it really does! It aids us in processing our grief, as does journaling, reading up on the subject, seeing a professional grief counselor and even sometimes finding a grief support group. I'm sorry you have suffered loss. I am so sorry you are hurting.
  13. Exactly! I felt alone growing up (dysfunctional parents, siblings a lot younger or older), in my first two marriages...living separate lives, having to figure out how to pay the bills, take care of the kids etc alone, no input or support. Being with George is the only real connectivity I've had in a marriage! My sisters and I are supportive of each other but by telephone, don't live closeby. And they cannot understand grief the way I do, still have their spouses. Of course #4 doesn't even count as a marriage, never even lived with me, just a con, I should have been able to annul. 15 years since George has been gone, I barely remember living with anyone. I loved it when my son was here, we meshed well, always respectful and considerate of each other. Very easygoing relationship. I knew it would all change when he got married, a part of me felt sad at that but of course I understood that is the natural way of things and to be desired. We raise them to live their own lives. But always miss them.
  14. Me neither, Gwen! I've cut back on the news, it's all bad, can only digest so much and don't know who/what to believe anymore. I'm sorry you didn't get any relief at the doctor. I finally made an appt to have my numb/painful right hand looked at 7/20 when they take the stitches out of my other hand & back. Will talk about my nerve damage on the left hand from the dog bite too. I need to do something about the right hand, it's hard to clean house, cook, walk Kodie, anything right now because I'm in so much pain, this has gone on for months. I'm desperate. I'm sorry about Ally too, I know how heartbreaking it is to watch them age & struggle. Harder than bearing our own infirmities even.
  15. And this is normal. Our loss, our grief, the whole thing feels so alien and foreign to us, it's the hardest thing in the world. Try to just be in today, cry the tears, they aid us in our processing and are like a release valve, we need to get them out and express ourselves to others that get it and will listen...this place is good for that. Don't worry about venting or repeating yourself, we all get it, been there! The thoughts you're having, we've had those thoughts, the same feelings. I remember going out in the woods and screaming at the top of my lungs! Probably scared a few bear and cougars.
  16. They do right now...these are things I gleaned over a period of ten years...you are newly grieving and this is a process. Take what seems most helpful to you today and the rest can be on a back burner...revisit the list later on down the road and something different will speak to you then. Kieron mentioned something I hesitated to yesterday, about the 5 Stages of Grief, but she's correct, it wasn't written for grief over death/loss, it was for terminally ill. Read here for clarification: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/stages-of-grief_b_4414077 The point being, we are all unique, as are our relationships and hence our loss/grief. We will likely have some similarities but also some unique differences. Pretty much everything we feel in grief is normal, we can go the whole gamut, even having opposite feelings at the same time! Such as feeling relief they are not suffering, but wishing them back no matter what! Feelings are just feelings, not inherently good or bad, they just are. I love that Kieron says: I have learned to coexist with my grief. I can have happy moments or times of laughter now (I've been on my journey 15 years) but my grief is never away, it's inside of me, part of me, I carry my sorrow, my loving and missing him, with me always. In the beginning thoughts of him brought immense pain but now thoughts often bring a smile or a warm memory. It takes time to process this, the early grief can be some of the hardest. Now I am growing old alone, that was not the plan, we didn't meet until our mid-40s and he died just after his 51st birthday. We'd bought a porch swing to grow old together in, now it sits alone. Over all too soon after it begun, we only got to know each other for 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months. I think all of us who have lost our soulmate feel gypped. And Kieron is right, NO WAY should your in-laws lay any guilt on you! My husband had a heart attack, should I have been under fire because I didn't force him to quit smoking? He'd cut back 90%, I understood he used it to calm his anxiety, he was a grown man who made his own decisions, I saw my role as encourager and supporter...he had Diabetes, I cooked healthy and didn't allow sugar in the house. Now I am Diabetic and have learned so much more about it and wish I'd known then what I know now, but that knowledge wasn't availed to me then, not for our lack of seeking it out! You are not responsible for your wife's death, I am so sorry they're adding to your sorrow.
  17. @Kay B I am so sorry for the loss of your little dog. I know how debilitating it feels, I lost my soulmate in a dog 11 months ago, it's hard to believe I've survived this long w/o him, he was my world, my joy, my everything! Mine was a gentle giant, Husky/Golden Retriever and I miss him each and every day. He will always own my heart. I want to post some articles for you that I hope will be of help to you. I'm glad you found this place, we get it, we live it. (((hugs))) http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdfhttps://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtmlhttp://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/02/pet-loss-cannot-stop-crying.html https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/animal-attachment/201703/my-pet-died-and-i-cant-stop-crying https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/10/finding-support-for-pet-loss.html https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/03/memorializing-pets-we-have-lost.html http://www.griefhealing.com/memorializing.htm https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/05/pet-loss-is-it-different-kind-of-grief.html And finally, I do believe we will be together again, that gives us hope! I hope this video brings you some comfort and peace...
  18. I do know exactly what you mean...I haven't found love again, but I did try although I haven't dated in ten years and am not actively seeking anyone...I relate to you in that I coexist with my grief, and new love or not, I know we can enjoy whatever good comes our way even while our grief is still with us, which it will until the day I die.
  19. It doesn't seem 15 years to me either yet part of me feels it was a lifetime ago...or did it even really happen? Weird how time can warp things. I'm sorry, so hard to go through these days.
  20. I'm sorry I misunderstood. I thought it was off the table. Quote of the day!
  21. You don't have anything IN you to give right now, early grief takes everything we can muster to get through. Your love sounds very special. We hiked just two weeks before he died, he struggled to make it to our goal, a waterfall...that last weekend we discovered he had five blocked arteries and it must have been nigh impossible to him but he made it...no more though. I had no idea.
  22. @Justinjuice I am so sorry...my daughter just turned 38, you and your wife so young, so unfair! Her parents are not responding their best, which is often how people react in grief...they need someone to blame. Try to protect yourself from them as much as you can, you don't need that right now, you need supportiveness. I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years, and I hope something in it is of help to you today, maybe something else tomorrow. The intensity of pain gradually lessens with time, that is, ten years from now it won't hurt the same as it did day one. I know that's of little consolation right now, but I wanted you to know that. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  23. I felt that too when George died, everyone ditched fort! It's like they moved, left no forwarding address! If I called them it "wasn't a good time, could they call me back?" Only they never did. I've had to do this on my own. If not for this place, I don't know...
  24. Marg, those are amazing pictures! Calendar quality. I wish I knew photography, my daughter is good at it. Beautiful, thanks for sharing!
  25. Gwen, I'm sorry you have to go through that procedure today. I can't imagine how that must feel. What do they hope to do with rehab for a week? Can you trust them to keep it to one week or will they extend it once there? I wouldn't trust them but that's just me. I have a hard time trusting professionals, they don't know/care about me like those close to me do. Do you feel more at peace knowing back surgery is out, like you don't have to decide now? Darn I wish I lived closer to you, I hate to see you go to rehab, knowing you could go home if Steve were here. Let us know how your knee procedure goes. I understand, I really do. It's release from having to make the hard decisions and going this way, that way, in your mind about it. I'd feel that way too. I loved this! How he could not crack a smile at it, I don't know! The man had amazing restraint!
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