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Everything posted by kayc

  1. Gwen, I'm so sorry. I guess my sister was damn lucky when she was in rehab, they were wonderful. She didn't have a private room either and that's the hard part, living with someone you wouldn't choose to. No excuse for their incompetence, I'd raise cain if they didn't bring my medicines on time! What are they there for! Yes, try to relax, if video games and nicotine lozenges do that for you, then by all means. Goal: to get home asap! Hey you can love someone and be mad at them at the same time!
  2. Kathy, let me know how it goes with Stormy. No it's not the same, but it's another little soul you can love, and who will love you. Puppies are tremendous work but I'm glad I got Kodie. I can't imagine life without someone to share in it with. You are a wonderful pet parent, and I understand. Arlie was a BIG boy and I gave him belly rubs every day made up a song I sang to him, he loved it, "Arlie is a Sweet Boy." I hope all goes well with Stormy and Angel. Sometimes it helps having one in place when you get the puppy, they can teach them. Julia, I am so sorry for the loss of your Roxy May. I know how hard it is making this decision, and how hard it is missing her. It feels unbearable. I bawled every day for months. Wishing you some comfort and peace, knowing this was the kindest thing for Roxy May, even though it hurts like nothing else for you. (((hugs)))
  3. @Sky252 I am so sorry, it has to be terribly hard to not be home when going through this. I hope you can talk with your mom as you're grieving. It had to be hard for her too, to have to make the call to put him to sleep. Are there any grief support groups where you are at? There are ones for loss of pets. Loss is loss, and it isn't a respecter of whether it's person or dog, it hits us hard. Our dogs are our loving companions, our family, so the loss is great. Maybe you can plan a memorial for him for when you get home, whether he's cremated or buried. I've bought my pets memorial stones from personalcreations.com and have them placed where their graves are. Shadowboxes are also a good way to commemorate them with their collar, a favorite toy, their picture. I buried my Arlie with his favorite toy, a duck, one of his first and oddly he didn't chew it up like so many of the others, he slept with it. Give yourself time, don't be afraid to cry. Have you made any friends where you are that you could talk with? That's one good thing about a grief support group, you're all going through it together so understand.
  4. I am so sorry about your prince. I, too want to write stories about Kitty, whom I lost 1 1/2 weeks ago. We would love to read your stories when you are ready. I know of nothing harder than to lose our precious dog, losing Arlie just about killed me. Esp. when they are your companion and best friend, your family, as mine was. I'm glad you have your brother to help you, it's something you shouldn't have to go through alone. My son took the day off work and took us to the vet to have Arlie euthanized and to bring him home and bury him...I couldn't have done it without him. I went home with him for the weekend. Just terribly hard no matter how it happens. It takes much time to process and begin the healing. It's okay to cry, okay to talk to him.
  5. Sometimes it can take a while for us to process our grief and thus think clearly...in the beginning it's our feelings dominating. I know I went through all the what ifs with Arlie, I just did not want to let him go! It took me a while to see that I did the right and kinder thing and that the timing really was right for him. Bottom line, I didn't want him to suffer any more than he already had. Yes, I could have let him live one more day, but at his expense. I did the right thing. You'll see that for yourself too, once you've had time to work through it. (((hugs)))
  6. kayc

    Living with Loss

    It been five months today, sweet Arlie, since you passed. It's hard for me to grasp that it could be that long ago when it feels you just left. It's the hardest thing in the world, missing you. I talk to you all the time, I wonder if you can hear me. I hope I don't sadden you with my tears...I hope you are able to realize that someday I will see how things went for you and that you're happy and that your perspective on "the other side" is so much greater than mine is right now. I love you, sweet boy. You are the best dog in the world, I cherish every moment I got to spend with you. We made so many memories together in our short 10 1/2 years together. I am so glad you got to be MY little boy. I love your effervescent smile, your personality and I miss your goofiness...you always made me smile and brightened my day. I hope you've made dog friends and you can get to know your brothers and sister, Skye, Teddy, Fluffy, and Lucky, most gone before you. You have a new brother, Kodie, I hope he follows in your footsteps with goofiness, I always loved that about you. My wonderful big sweet little boy, my love for you will never diminish. Kitty's body lays besides yours now. Just yesterday I placed her memorial stone in the snow above her grave. It's hard to believe, our family of three...changed in such a short span of time. I hope you find my husband George to give you lots of belly rubs and join in your fun with you. You will love him.
  7. Yesterday your memorial stone came and I placed it on your grave. Little Kitty, your body lay next to your brother Arlie's, although I know neither of you really reside there. I pray you have lots of Easy Cheese and your fears are all gone. I hope you're purring like a cement mixer. I love you and miss you, Kitty.
  8. Gin, I am so sorry for the loss of your SIL. You had her in your family a long time and I'm sure the loss is keenly felt. That it leaves you with concerns about your brother makes it all the harder. I am glad you recognize your limitations...it will be up to his daughters to make decisions for his care and living situation. If they do not, a call to Adult and Senior Services could get their involvement, I know the contact we have in our sleepy little town is very warm and caring and knows of resources to refer family to. Sometimes we feel we're overstepping with our involvement but sometimes we have to do what is necessary. See what the girls come up with first and don't be afraid to voice your concerns to them. Sometimes people can be in denial or bury their heads in the sand because they don't feel up to dealing with it but calling specifics to their attention can shake them out of their complacency. As for your 47 year old son, he is an adult, and I feel for you because just like I'd love to put my daughter's life in order, I cannot. We can give them our best advice and it's grievous to watch them not listen, but he will figure things out...now or later. I hope it's sooner rather than later. Right now, as you say, it's getting through the funeral. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, dear Gin, you are one of us.
  9. I am so sorry for all you are going through...that another person finds themselves in the situation we here have been in. I am borrowing Marty's response to another who is contemplating suicide: It's important to know if it's usual thoughts we get as early grievers or more serious...an actual contemplating of suicide...see Thoughts of Suicide in Grief. If you're thinking of suicide, read this first. If you are experiencing serious suicidal thoughts that you cannot control, please stop now and telephone 911 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Using your smart phone, contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741. I just made a donation to National Suicide Prevention because I understand so well the thoughts that can overtake someone. I have been without my husband for nearly 15 years and there are times it's a struggle to keep going...I too, live for my pets, but I could never do something that would harm them or my family even if the thoughts occur. It's important to get through the hump to where you can see clearly...it took me years to process my grief, to adjust to living alone, to build a life I can live and find purpose...and some of that purpose is being here for others going through what I was going through. It's an ongoing process, not something that's over and done with and as such we can struggle, but it helps to have this sense of community and know you are not alone. None of us are alone here unless we choose to be. I've been on this site since my husband died. I've met some wonderful people here and read some post that were truly inspiring. I do hope you'll continue to come here and read and also I hope grief counseling is a regular part of your life. It can help to attend grief support group too as there you'll find other people who get it and realize you are not alone in your feelings. I wrote this article based on what I'd found helpful over the years, if you find anything in it that helps you either now or on down the road, then I'm glad. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  10. I'm glad you've found a grief counselor, let us know how it's going with that, okay? Don't be afraid to let him/her know what you're feeling even about your expectation of what you hope to get from counseling.
  11. Wow, I am so sorry, you are suffering so many losses at once, you must feel overwhelmed. I urge you to get into grief counseling asap. It will be important to mourn each of these losses individually, which is hard when they're occurring so closer together, but they have a way of piling up which compounds things. http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html Any one of these losses is difficult enough by itself. My heart goes out to you. Do you have familial/friend support? It's so important to have someone there for you, someone who listens and cares. At the very least I hope you have a pastor you can talk to. In addition to getting grief counseling, which can help you make your way through grief (without which it's like going on a journey without a map or gps), it can be helpful to attend grief support group where there are others going through similar things that get it.
  12. @Michael1963 I strongly urge you to not only call the suicide hotline Marty provided, but to make an appt. with a grief counselor asap. Let them know it's urgent. Guilt feelings are common in early grief and it's important to work through them with someone to understands the grief process. Right now your feelings are leading you, but it's important to get to the place where rationale thinking can kick in too. Feelings are often a result of something, in this case loss, but they were never meant to be a good barometer of anything or to lead us. It's important to balance them with facts. The truth is, you could not have known what would happen when you took her there, the expectation is that they would to their job. Everyone has a right to expect nothing less than that. Bringing charges against them might be a more constructive way of dealing with your loss so that no one else would suffer in the way you feel your mom did. Make an appointment to talk with the head person there to get some of your questions answered, it could be that they have explanation for some of the things you saw but don't understand. If they don't, that's when I'd contact a lawyer. I am so sorry for all you are going through. My mom had dementia, stage IV, and had to be placed in a dementia care facility. We kept an eye on things and if something demanded I talk with them about it, I did. Overall they did a great job, but there were times I had to call something to their attention or fight for her. I'm sorry you feel justice wasn't done for your mom...taking your own life would not be her choice for you, I am sure.
  13. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. It seems the younger we are when we go through this, the rougher it feels. She was there for you and it's hard to imagine life without her. I imagine you're feeling disenfranchised. Your BF doesn't sound like he's able to be there for you in the way that you need. It might help to get grief counseling, if you're in college, it's usually provided. Other places sometimes charge income based. Some insurances cover it. At the very least it might help to go to grief support group, which is usually free. Often times we do just need someone to listen and care, but it helps if it's someone who understands what it's like to go through it...your BF may not have been through this before and doesn't get it. It's not necessarily that he doesn't care about you, but until we go through it ourselves, we can't possibly get the magnitude of what it is to lose someone close to you. My grief support group has become very close as we are going through similar things. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html
  14. I rather think she was telling you how much she loved and appreciated you. Dogs have a way of knowing when their time is come. My dog had cancer, I provided palliative care for him at home. He lived two months ten days beyond diagnosis. He really went downhill the last 1 1/2 months. Two days before he died, he wanted to make the trek down to his best friend's house, and he went through the motions of trying to play with him, but really was too weak. On the way home, he had to stop and rest a few times and we took it slow. I understood this is something he wanted to do, NEEDED to do. He knew his time had come. You didn't have much time to process this, and I'm very sorry for that. Sudden death is hard. But then so is lingering death. No loss is easy. All of us seem to second guess ourselves. It was the hardest decision I've had to make in my life to set the date for Arlie's euthanasia. The vet goofed up and didn't give him enough sedative so the shot to stop his heart hurt him tremendously. I will never forget that image of him crying out horribly in pain...then dying. Their scale was off, eight pounds, I just found out when my friend got on it and weighed less than she did at her doctor and elsewhere. My heart dog, he will never be out of my thoughts and my heart. I love and miss him so much...five months ago today. I see Marty just posted an article for you I'd planned to share. Here's a couple more for you: http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful smile! And the waiting around in heaven? I imagine they ARE enjoying themselves while they wait for us to join them. Something like this:
  15. My Kitty was 25 when she went into liver & kidney failure and I had to have her put to sleep 1/6. She'd lost half her body weight and didn't show any signs of being sick until Christmas. I didn't have her 25 years, I rescued her from a life of continue abandonment and never knowing where her next meal would come from, I promised her a forever home and sometimes I thought she was going to take me up on it! Because she'd always weathered the storms, I though she would this one too, but she was too old, and couldn't live forever. She was old, she was tired, she was suffering, it was time to let her have her rest. She is buried next to Arlie, her brother (dog), whom I lost five months ago today. You had your cat just 1 1/2 years, and to have his life cut so short seems beyond unfair. No one would expect to lose such a young cat, and I am so sorry his life was cut so short. You did the only thing you could do, my vet told me there is no help once they go into liver or kidney failure. Also, for you to have no notice with which to process this had to be a huge shock to try to digest. It may take you quite a while to assimilate the changes that came about so abruptly. Unfortunately, that's how kidney failure hits. I was suspecting kidney failure with Kitty when I took her in, she was vomiting, her stools changed, she was drinking/peeing a lot, just was not happy, and even refused her Easy Cheese that she usually demanded. I felt she went quickly, I can't imagine how hard this was for you! My heart goes out to you in your loss, I know how hard this must be for you. I just got Kitty's memorial stone and placed it on her grave. It helps to do something to honor them. I don't know how it all works but I like to think it's something like this...it brings me comfort to think my animals are happily waiting for me to join them.
  16. Of course, I might add, not everyone feels the same about their pets as we do ours. I believed in spoiling Arlie in the manner in which he was accustomed! I walked him twice a day, every day, snow, ice, rain, heat. I cooked for him. I tended to his medical needs. He had his own recliner by the window AND a loveseat! He had a ton of toys. I took him for rides in "Arlie's truck." He had regular social interaction, a best friend dog down the street. He had a fenced yard, a pen, a doghouse. I played with him and gave him bellyrubs every day. I talked to him and him to me. I always told him how much I loved him. I sang to him. He was my best friend, my family. Some people just tie their dog up in the back yard and never interact with them. They don't provide shelter from the elements and the dog is lucky if they have food and water. All too often many of them suffer abuse, but the abuse that is not mentioned is neglect of their spirit.
  17. OMG, Kevin! I can't imagine weather that cold! I think my coldest was -12 in Eugene when I was young...I had to wait for the bus to get home and they were on an hour delay, so I was hopping up and down (back in the days when women wore dresses & heels to work) trying to keep warm, at least I had a suede coat that came to my calves, when I finally got into town the business owner opened his store back up to sell me a pair of boots! Nowadays I don't think they'd do that. Stay in and keep warm!
  18. Monday was super tough but yesterday I found it difficult to shovel because my back and right hand hurt so bad from overuse. I'd put a plea for help on FB and got seven offers of help! My neighbor showed up and together we shoveled out the driveway. I was even able to get more firewood in last night! When I was out walking Joe (my neighbor's chow) another neighbor told me he can plow if/when I need it, so I'll take him up on it next time it's like Monday was. He said last year his plow was out of commission but now he has it fixed and running again. It felt good to get so many responses and know I'm not totally isolated, it's what I love about this community and especially my neighborhood. Kodie LOVES the snow! When I take him out to poop/pee he often gets sidetracked jumping in the snow and biting it! He is, after all, still a wee puppy! I'm so sorry about Sterling, so unfair for someone to strike someone so good. Haha, you've got my son pegged! Yes engineers are definitely nerdy! I love it! His favorite comic is xkcd half of which I don't get but when I do understand what they're talking about...it is his dry humor. I hope you enjoy your day! Tomorrow more snows to come, will try to do it on my own if I can. If not, I know who to call!
  19. @Maria N I am sorry for your loss too...my cat had to be euthanized Jan. 6, her first symptoms displayed on Christmas so she went downhill really fast. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for them is alleviate their suffering. When we keep them alive at their expense so that we don't have to lose them, it's not always in their best interest, but it's case by case and we try to make the best call (for them) that we can. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.htmlhttp://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdfhttps://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
  20. She will feel different when it's her time to go through it. Until then, they don't know.
  21. Oh Hon, your story breaks my heart. They don't feel we abandoned him, more like we gave them comfort and stopped their pain. I know how hard it is to have to make the decision to euthanize...the hardest decision in the world, we question everything about it, beat ourselves up, but we wouldn't make that decision without a whole lot of love and concern for them. We release them to their afterlife, where they no longer suffer...and their pain is now ours as we miss them so much, beyond words to describe. You gave this cat the best years of his life, a comfortable safe home with lots of love and attention. What more could he have wanted than that?! Arlie, Husky/Golden Retriever, was my companion, along with Kitty, and now they are both gone. It seems so hard that we, who were a family of three is just me now, along with the puppy my son brought me for Christmas. How can it be that my Arlie was euthanized five months ago tomorrow, and Kitty A week ago last Monday? She was born the opposite of your cat's situation, with the ability to heal herself, and she always did, right up until she no longer could...she was 25, half her body weight, kidneys and liver shut down. I never dreamed she'd end up like that but it came so suddenly on Christmas and she was gone Jan. 6. I don't kick myself for her euthanasia though, it was time, she'd lived a long life and she was so tired. My bossy little demanding cat could no longer...she cried for peace. If you've ever watched an animal be euthanized, they're given a sedative and the second shot stops their heart, they go to sleep. They're so sleepy they're not aware of anything. You can release yourself from this guilty pain you've felt engulfing you. I hope you will remember the good life you gave him (he's beautiful, by the way!), one of sanctity and trust, not wondering where his next meal is coming from. One where he's loved and protected. Unfortunately we don't have the ability to protect them from everything the way we'd like to. I couldn't protect my Arlie from cancer, and I couldn't protect Kitty from the ravages of old age. But we love them, always. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf https://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
  22. Kevin & Marg, sorry to hear of your extreme weather. We've been slammed with snow, they predicted 1-3" yesterday, we got 15" I can't shovel that much. T.V. went out, elec. went out. Slept 4 hours. Elec came back, thankfully. Getting more snow... Gwen, any update on your lungs?
  23. We got 15" yesterday, more last night, I can't shovel it all. I don't have anyone to call, no. We got no mail or UPS yesterday. The elec. went out at 2 am so I put all the food in coolers outside. 4 am it came back on. I am very tired. I had no t.v. either last night, haven't tried it today, the sky is thick with snowclouds. Supposed to get more. Slept four hours after shoveling all day.
  24. I usually do 1/2 hour on, 1/2 hour off. Just came in again. It's snowed 7" today, way more than originally predicted. I'm hoping that'll mean less snowfall for tomorrow?! About to take Kodie out for his poop/pee break. Stacking firewood is also a lot of work. I got a lot in yesterday in case I couldn't traverse it this week. Be careful! Suggestions of a hot drink sounds good!
  25. I am so sorry for the loss of your sister, I lost my sister 1 1/2 years ago although not to an accident. Having this happen on your birthday just seems all the harder as we buried my father on my other sister's birthday and it's a reminder every year. I, too, cannot imagine going through this alone and I hope you have a good support system or at least caring friends to be there for you. Regardless, you are welcome to come here.
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