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Everything posted by kayc

  1. Marg, I am so sorry about your friend, but I hope for her sake she gets her relief soon and her brother, man that's just hard.
  2. I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter. I can't imagine, that must have been beyond hard, something no one should ever have to experience. As Kieron has said, you're using what you've learned from the past for helping you through this, and that is good.
  3. @hopefulromantic Good advice. Try not to cause yourself added pain by hoping for something she's given you no reason to hope for. I'd love to be wrong but after reading this story hundreds of times, it doesn't leave me reason to hope in this scenario.
  4. He's adorable, here's my Miss Mocha, I lost her 6/3/16. She has blue eyes.
  5. Louie and I were a couple long ago but he's married and I choose not to think of him any way other than as a friend out of respect for his marriage. But it does make you wonder sometimes, "What if we had chose a different route?"...but we didn't so that's a moot point. In your situation it's harder, learning she's been dead all this time while you were living your life. Do you think you feel some guilt, kind of like survivor's guilt? Would it have changed anything if you'd learned this 40 years ago? Probably not. You're not guilty of anything. And as Marty said, your feelings are valid. Pretty much anything we feel in grief is valid, sometimes we can have conflicting feelings at the same time, all of which are valid. They don't even need to make sense.
  6. I don't know but plenty do it when grieving. I was engaged for a year and my fiance broke up with me by Fed Ex when his mom was dying (he was caregiving her). I understand taking a break, being overwhelmed, but...ending things this way? I wanted to help, bring meals, etc, but wasn't allowed to...yet his ex-wife could? I don't get it. That was 9 1/2 years ago. Today we're friends, but that's it. And his XW lives with him, nothing romantic, roommates/friends, but it's hard to understand. I figure I should count my lucky stars we didn't marry! I'd prefer someone I could go through thick and thin with, not get ghosted for any reason. I've read every post, every thread in this section...it helps you see a pattern and that there's a certain percentage of grievers that do respond this way. There's nothing you can do to prevent her going her own way because this isn't about you, it's about her. I'm so sorry, now you're the one grieving loss. Best advice...focus on yourself. And you're better off with no contact. I know that's hard, we did that for a few months, it helped me heal, and it also brings some clarity. As you said, it can be confusing. Here's my thread:
  7. I have routine now, that is just me, I'm stable, responsible, predictable to a fault. George was the spontaneous fun one. I miss that, we balanced each other. I worked five days a week, he worked four, I did the cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills in the evenings (he worked a different shift than I) and he spent his fifth day doing chores at home so when I got off work we were "off" for the weekend...he'd wake up and say, "Let's go to the coast!" and off we'd go. My life now is sadly lacking that. I don't go for drives because who wants to go alone. Everything is so much more fun if shared. I do walk a lot and did hikes with Arlie, but just me, not much fun. It's important to build things into our lives to look forward to. I'm not talking about fancy trips, etc. but even everyday things like my ladies group. A lunch out with a friend, although at this point not much I can eat locally, most of our restaurants have closed and I'm on Keto. But anything we can look forward to. I think you looked forward to your volunteering. I miss the senior site, since their building was flooded with raw sewage due to the stupid city, no getting together with my friends there. But it'll be back someday, it's just taking a few months. And in the replacing flooring, drywall, counters, etc. they discovered asbestos so it'll take even longer. Ahh well, lots of Kodie walks. I'm feeling the same way...if I had someone to help me it'd be a lot easier. Which brings me back to "If only George were here." And I put it off another day, another year. How do you move furniture, etc. when it's just you alone? Yep, me too. Honestly, I'd rather the Lord just take me before I'd have to deal with that. My son would bring his dump truck and shovel it all in and to the dump. Easy peasy. Me, I'd have to go through every nook and cranny and it'd be emotional and difficult...none of this "stuff" means anything to anyone else. I told him to hang onto his dump truck. Sell the place for the property, someone else can tear it all down and rebuild. I don't want to think about it. But now I have to live for Kodie. This sweet little bundle of energy deserves that. Still waiting for the gutter guy to come back out...
  8. Abas, how long has it been since you lost your husband? As Dee said, it does help to express yourself to people who get it. CBD is legal here but very expensive. They need to regulate it as all supplies are not equal. Inside Edition did a segment on it, they sent it to a lab and found one of them only had a trace of CBD in it, others had way less (half) than they'd touted, so it'd important to get a good source. Check where it comes from and regulation there. I had my dog on Hemp oil when he had cancer, it was made in WA, got it from Buster's on Amazon. My sister takes CBD, gets it from Metabolic Design, siys to look for full spectrum. It's expensive though.
  9. I'm glad you have your siblings. Mine mean the world to me, although they have no idea what it's like to lose your husband as they all still have theirs, but they are supportive and that means a lot.
  10. Miss Ngu, You are struggling with life after several deep losses, as am I. It's been nearly 15 years since I lost my sweet husband, and now six months ago I lost my Arlie (dog) to cancer and I love and miss him every day, it feels very much like when I lost George. It's hard growing old alone and no familial support nearby. It's been many years since I lost my father...38 to be exact, so I'm used to not having him in my adult life, but I lost my mom 5 1/2 years ago and my sister Donna two years ago. And I still struggle with those losses. I find times I want to talk to my mom or buy something for my sister, but... We choose joy. It's not necessarily the same as happiness which is affected by circumstance, but rather a state we choose and I see you as one of those. It's not merely a mantra or a cloak we put on, but yes it can affect our attitude, one of positive choice. It's hard to explain to people who don't get it or who are so steeped in their grief they can't imagine it. We do get assailed with fears, depression, worry, but I try to tell them no! and stop them in their tracks, and continue to live one day at a time...I know I can do today. Tomorrow I get up and do it all over again. In between I find good moments with friends or my puppy. It doesn't take away my grief, I live with that, but I've learned to coexist with my grief and have good spots here and there. I try not to compare to yesterday (or yesteryears) as comparisons can be real joykillers. I wish you some respite in your grief, and peace as your "higher power" gives to you. (((hugs)))
  11. I agree with Marty. A few years ago I reconnected with someone I went with in my teen years...he'd actually asked me to marry him but I was too young to think about it, he was three years older and thus more mature than I at the time. It was interesting to see how our lives paralleled each other, grew up in Nazarene Church, switched to Baptist, both lead morning worship, both have property in the country with a mobile home on it, both love dogs, both had long term marriage to an Italian...his wife was widowed...in my case it's me that is. Maybe we were too much alike to complement one another, IDK. But it made us stop and think. I think that's natural for our young crush. I'm sorry yours died so young. I can imagine how that must have hit you. I think it's natural to feel this way.
  12. kayc

    Memories of Kitty

    A couple days later she went missing again, this time he discovered her up the tree further. There was no way he could reach her and contrary to what t.v. shows, firemen do not rescue cats. He was top marksman in the Air Force so he decided to shoot the branch off the tree. I knew he wouldn’t hit her, but I was afraid of her landing…the branch drifted down back and forth, in slow motion, much like in a cartoon, and she landed perfectly unhurt. She never climbed a tree again though!
  13. kayc

    Memories of Arlie

    My son came to my house to help, he collapsed on the floor next to Arlie, sobbing. I had taken it in gradually, but he got hit with it all at once, the shock of seeing this big beautiful dog, his fur breaking off and brittle, his sad eyes, no energy, liver distended. Still Arlie tried to smile, even though he wasn’t up to his usual Husky talk. My son had brought his Baja to take Arlie on the trip to the next town…he was afraid Arlie couldn’t make it up into Arlie’s truck (Nissan). Good thinking, he barely made it up into the Baja, me hoisting his hind end up.
  14. Steve and Patty, You are both in my thoughts and prayers as your anv. of death is here...George (iPraiseHim) just went thrrough his fifth. No we never stop loving them and thus never stop grieving them. I too am glad you and Patty found each other though!
  15. I take a Trazodone 50 mg to go to sleep, it seems to work for about four hours. Then I take a Benedryl, also good for about four hours. Can't take two Traz. because it wipes me out the next day and because I'm only prescribed one a day so I'd run short. I can't live on four hours sleep a night so the Benedryl works, besides with my allergies, it can't hurt. Don't want it in the daytime though as it'd leave me wiped out. What we do to sleep! Can't have the wine because of my blood sugar. Diabetes is a bigger monster than I ever first realized. Now it's running my life, what I can/can't eat, can't go out to eat here (not many places to choose from and not healthy), WHEN I eat. Last night I was hungry and ate a sausage before bed, this morning my BS (blood sugar) was up. It can get annoying! It seems if we live long enough we all have some malady or another we deal with...the other is arthritis which is making it very hard for me to haul my firewood and shovel snow. This claiming my independence and where I live, little by little. Old age is a robber.
  16. I felt the same way and still don't like it after all these years, and yet normal in my life now is living alone with Kodie. It doesn't compare to my old normal, and nothing is normal anymore if you're talking about my former normal. I despised that term and it's amazing the strong reaction I felt to it! But I've read it in psychology and it is merely talking about how things used to be has changed to something different. It's not something I would use to newer grievers and even to some who've been grieving for years it can strike a bad chord!
  17. I had someone adamantly inform me the other day that they can't hear us, nor are they here with us, they are in "soul sleep." I reminded her that the Bible doesn't explicitly say what exactly that does or doesn't entail and there's a lot we don't know about it. She was insistent. Of course, she hasn't lost her husband. Let's see her lose her husband and how quickly she changes her tune! Every person I've ever had in my grief support groups has said they talk to their spouse, quite often actually. It's something we need to do. And who is someone else to say whether or not they can hear us? Why is it that people see the need to "set us straight" if something brings us comfort? Let them wait for their turn to come and see how they feel about it then!
  18. I apologize if I've said that...sometimes what we mean when we say something strikes up something entirely different to someone else when they hear it, but then I guess that can be true of most anything we say when it comes to grief. One phrase is like nails on a chalkboard to one person but not to another...to another person it might be something else entirely different. When I've said I've gotten used to it, I mean I have gotten used to living alone. Not like it, but gotten accustomed to it. I've looked around, George isn't here. It seems a lifetime ago when he snuggled up to me in bed, when I packed his lunches, when we went for drives, when we talked over the day or how to handle something. There is just me to make every decision, to pay the bills, to make sure the chores get done and there's not always enough money to go around so I have to prioritize. I'm well aware of "If George were here, he would do this or take care of that." Hell, I'd settle just for him to be a sounding board! But he's not here, it's been almost 15 years since he's been here. That's a long time, of course I've grown used to it. But I've never grown to like the changes it's meant for me. None of us have. We can get used to a toothache if we have it long enough. That doesn't mean we want it. Going through old age alone is a whole new ballgame. It doesn't seem fair. We have to worry about things other people don't. Like who is going to drive us in for that colonoscopy, without a driver they won't let you have it done! You have to have someone in the building waiting on you or they send you home. It's not enough to take a taxi. We have no one to bring us a glass of water when we're sick, or make sure we made it home, or drive us to the hospital or call 911 for us. We have no one to watch our animals while we're gone. No one to stoke the fire when we're gone either. No one to help shovel snow or lighten the load. George and I were a team, now it's just me and I'm not as efficient or smooth running machine without my other half. And the future can be very frightening and unsettling without that special someone in it that cares. When I had surgery I had to go to bed hungry because there was no one to fix me something I could eat. The list they gave me pre-surgery was not the same as the list they gave me post-surgery and thus I couldn't eat the foods I'd prepared ahead of time and put in the freezer. And the person that was supposed to bring me a meal didn't show up. What do we do without our mate?
  19. Since they dole out the pain medicine so few and far between, would a sleeping pill help at night? If you could sleep through it? Or would that just make you drowsily aware of the pain? You need some respite! Marge, good quote, I love CS Lewis, he's an amazing writer because he doesn't just write about it, he's lived it, he's very real and authentic.
  20. George, Thinking of you today...I know it's always tough to get through the anv. of death. I know people thought it was weird me still being here all these years, two reasons for that: 1) I want to be here for others going through it as there were those here for me when I lost George, I don't know what I'd have done w/o them. 2) It's not like this has an expiration date...it has a beginning but after that it's something we all have to find our way through and live with it, it's not something we "get over" like a cold, and I hate the term "move on" because it's so inaccurate. You're in my prayers and I wish you comfort and peace throughout this day.
  21. Yes, it's not only healthy but to be coveted! To live in intense pain every moment continually is not healthy, we need respite, even if for a moment. Sometimes we feel a false guilt for doing so, it's important to put up the hand to the guilt and realize that guilt's purpose is to bring about change where needed and barring that we can say goodbye to guilt. So long as we do not shut out our grief chronically so that we do not do our grief work! It's good to mete out times of grief and times of respite. I like how this article puts it: https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/finding-crying-time-in-grief.html
  22. I am so sorry for your loss. My Arlie was diagnosed with cancer 6/6/10 and I lost him 8/16/19...when he was euthanized their scales were off and they under-sedated him so the brutal shot was keenly felt by him and he went out in immense pain, it has haunted me like you are feeling haunted by the drowning. I don't know how we stop thinking about that one bad time but I do know the love and home we provided throughout their lives is likely more dominant in their thinking than the moments at the end. I feel we were meant to be together, he was my "soulmate in a dog," perfect for me, and we were very happy together, I'm so glad he was my dog and able to spend his life with me. That brings me comfort, he was very happy here. Here are a couple of articles I hope you find of help: http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-kittens.html https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/10/pet-loss-when-nothing-eases-pain.html https://healingpetloss.com/pet-loss-when-you-are-still-suffering-years-after-the-death-of-your-pet/
  23. I remember Dusky! It's good to hear his name again, hope he's doing okay.
  24. kayc

    Our Bennyboy

    I can relate...all of those thing we used to do with/for them are now reminders of their being gone. I hope it gets better for you in the days ahead, it can take quite a while to adjust. I still cry over Arlie and tomorrow will be six months, but at least it's not every day anymore. I think eventually we carry our tears quietly on the inside as we continue to miss them and wish for them back...not under the circumstances though. I'd never want Arlie to go through cancer again and my one consolation is that he is happy and well. I would have (and nearly did) give my life for him. He was everything to me. Wishing you peace and comfort.
  25. I hope you all made it through the empty Valentine's Day okay...George always made a big deal of it and it never fails to assail me with the glaring stark reality of his absence. V. Day is just not and never will be the same w/o him here. Came home and spent late afternoon and evening with Kodie. A friend sent a couple of her dog's toys home for him as she's old and no longer plays with them, Kodie was happy to get something new! He's good company and I need that being as I seem to be destined to spend the rest of my life alone.
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