kayc

I know, it is hard. All we can do is keep trying...

Melina, We didn't get to talk about death/dying either because it all happened so fast and we didn't get to be alone with each other when he was awake. But I sensed a pulling away, just a bit, when I came to see him that fateful day, and I think he had an idea that he might not make it and was trying to deal with it. We had always shared everything, but maybe it just is that you leave face your maker alone and that is the one thing I couldn't share with him. I wish I could have held his hand when he died, I wish I could have ushered him into the next life, but I wasn't allowed that. I do know that God was there to greet him on the other side and those gone before us, and I know he is okay...it is me that is left here in this imperfect world to deal with all the problems and suffering...not him. For that I am thankful, he is out of it...it's me that has to continue on.

Thank you! I spent the day with my four sisters, my daughter, and my son-in-law, and it was wonderful. Didn't hear from Jim, I've surmised I can't count on him for anything so am not expecting anything except a back-seat friendship. We ate at the Olive Garden, they gave me wonderful gifts, and we did a little shopping. Last night I had company and ate Olive Garden leftovers. I did okay until about 11:00 at night, then couldn't sleep. Wish I could turn my mind off at night! Love, Kay

Thank you, Elaine. That means a lot to me. I haven't heard from my friends yet, but I'm getting together with my sisters tomorrow, and that'll be good. With Jim's mom's situation, it's probably a blessing because she suffered a lot, but death and loss is never easy no matter what the circumstances. He has been through so much and is still going through a lot. I am thankful I have been through it so that I am aware and know what to expect, as well as anyone can, that is. Hope your evening goes well!

Gloria, Welcome...there are a lot of others also new to this. I also was ill prepared for how hard it would hit me when my husband died since I was "the strong one" and have always been independent, but the truth is, we were interdependent on each other and the love we shared can never be replaced. It helps to voice yourself here where it's safe and you can be heard. I wish you the best. Kay

popengena, Welcome to this website, at least here you've found a good place where there's always someone around to listen and understand. I also have a long commute and dogs to come home and take care of and my FIL, 91, in assisted living and my mom (who has mental problems) is 88 and needs regular visits, so I can relate to what you're going through. How old is your son? How much are you involved with his care, do you have a place for him to go to during your work hours? You certainly have a full plate, I pray your place sells in time to suit your needs. The crying...that goes on for a while but lessens bit by bit. I'm sorry you're going through this hell, we do get used to it eventually although we never ever stop missing them. Feel free to come here any time you want, there are a lot of new people here going through the same timeline and experiences as you. Kay

Joerg, I can only say how sorry I am that you lost Schniffy. Each pet relationship that we have is different, so although I've lost many pets, I don't think anything could prepare me for losing my current dog. There comes in life that certain relationship that surpasses all and ours is that. I wish we could have more time with those we love. It has helped me in the past to memorialize them...one dog I had, Fluffy, was a family pet and we adored that dog...he was only six when he died and should have had many more years left, we were totally caught off guard by his death. We buried him in our back yard and constructed a cross etched with his favorite words (treat, go, good boy, etc.) None of us will ever forget Fluffy, he was the one that stands out in our memory. One dog that I had was 120 lbs and he died in January when the ground was frozen and it was snowing...we couldn't bury him because there's no way we could dig a hole that size in the frozen ground so we had to donate his body to science...that was hard. I do think it helps to be able to lay them to rest in the place they were familiar with. I know they don't know, it's just the idea of it, but still. I do know we'll be with them again. God could not waste a beautiful spirit such as theirs.

I have some very positive news tonight! A few months ago I had a sister dying of lung disease, sent home from the hospital to die, and another sister in a hospital in Ireland...when she got back to the states they told her she has a hole in her heart and would need open heart surgery. My one sister has been on oxygen and has not gotten any worse. The other one they put on Beta Blockers and it's helping her Ventricle work better and they said they'll check her every year but at this time they are not going to do surgery, the hole is smaller than they'd thought. Thursday is my birthday and we're all getting together...not too long ago I didn't think we'd all be in one place at one time...this is my greatest prayer answered.

Tammy, It's a very rough position to be in, I have been there. The only thing I can say is, don't let her manipulate you. Be polite but don't have more contact with her than you absolutely need to. Never talk bad about her to her kids...kids do figure things out on their own in due time. Keep the doors open for them. Invite them over...they will put pressure on her to let them come and if she doesn't allow it, they will seek you out when they are of age. My stepson did and he is still in my life...he is now 37 and a father himself.

How long does the crying last? It's a lot at first and it gradually lessens, I imagine it's different for everyone, but for me, the first two or three months was probably the worst. Then it comes and goes, sometimes no rhyme or reason, sometimes when you least expect it, sometimes the dumbest things can set it off. But it because less frequent. I remember crying while commuting a year or two later, but not every day.

Melina, Take a deep breath. Remember to just think about right now, not the whole future. Try to trust/rest in God for your future. Call someone up and make a plan to do something with them that will give you something to look forward to. Keep busy, try to keep your mind and body occupied. Look around, is there something you need to be doing today? If there is nothing pressing, try to find something you COULD be doing, and get to work on it. If nothing else, volunteer your time. I have been going to see shut ins, it's something I can do to contribute to the well being the of world and whether my world is brightened or not, at least I can brighten someone else's.

I remember hearing about a child who retorted to this once, "But I want God with clothes on!" That's how I feel sometimes. I know God is there, but I want God with clothes on.

Melina, I have been alone much of my adult life, whether married or not because of living apart during week due to work constraints or differing work schedules. However, I found, like you, that it's a different thing when you KNOW they're going to be home on the weekend...than it is when you know there's no end in sight. I never minded being alone some before, but now, it's the constant aloneness, knowing everything is on my shoulders, no one to talk over things with, no one supportive, no one that cares, etc. That's quite a different thing. We all know that having our older children living with us doesn't provide a lot of companionship...they're off with their friends/school/jobs/interests, but even so, just their popping in and out or seeing them once in a while, means a lot. My son is back in school (two hours away) now and not planning to live back at home again as he's looking to buy his own place. So that means that even though I've been living alone for quite a few years, I now feel REALLY alone as I know the possibility of him being home for a summer is gone. It helps me tremendously to have my dog, they are just great companionship. My dog is a particular joy to come home to as he smiles all the time, is playful and fun and interactive, he is right there wherever I am. It makes me WANT to come home. Without him, I don't know what I'd do. He gives me incentive to get through the day. Lately I have been cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, it keeps me busy and gives me less time to think. I grieved the loss of my husband George, then the loss of John, then the loss of my fiance Jim, and it seems I'm always grieving someone, and somehow I have to get through this. I don't know the answer to finding a "new normal" because mine keeps changing, but I know I need to find it. Part of my quandary is not having enough time to establish the life for myself I would like. I would like more girlfriends in my life, but lack the time to pursue that...I spend the preponderance of my time working/commuting, and taking care of my home. I'm not sure how to get off that cycle. It seems every time I make a friend, they move...I have a girlfriend moving this coming month as a matter of fact. I can make friends with men but they always seem to tell you one thing and do another or have ulterior motives, it makes it too complicated and I'm tired of dealing with it. Women always seem to be busy. I signed up for a Bible Study and I attend church, but beyond that, I don't have much time. So it seems to me, I have to get used to being alone and somehow reach the point where I like it. I don't. I don't mind part of the time, but all of the time...it gets old. I do think it's easier for those who live in the city to balance their lives with other people. I love nature so I love where I live, I just didn't know I'd have to go it alone.

I am sorry to hear about your little Turbo. No matter how many losses I've endured, it never prepares you for losing yet another one. I am a real dog lover and I greatly empathize with the enormity of your loss. They are a part of us and we never stop missing them. Do you live in a place where you could bury him and memorialize him? I am truly sorry.

I know all too well what you mean and I'm afraid I still feel that way, I hate weekends but I need them because with my long commute I don't get anything done during the week. Yesterday I spent the day cleaning house, doing laundry, cutting wood and stacking it, then took the dogs for a ride in the woods and walked them. By the time I was done, my back hurt, I was tired, but I also hate being alone, always alone. My house is clean and no one to even notice. I gave the dog a bath today (that's a chore) and cleaned up from that but am not sure what I'm going to do the rest of the day. I have a torn ligament in my foot and it hurts and my eye has a cyst on the eyeball so my vision is blurry and it hurts, so I feel like I need to take it easy, but doing what? I don't like going to work and am not thrilled staying home, what a quandry! I don't even feel like making cards, which I normally love to do. I keep waiting for life to get better but it gets worse instead. I know you aren't supposed to wait until such and such happens to be happy, I don't even know what I'm waiting for, but it seems like for 5 1/2 years I've been waiting for it to get better and it doesn't. How old is your daughter? Can you talk to her about her plans? Does she live with you? If she quit she won't even get unemployment and jobs are hard to come by...without giving notice she's probably ruined her references from that job. Could she go back and talk to them? It very well may be grief affecting her, it'd be good if she could see a counselor. She needs direction and needs to work through whatever she's going through. I know you can't force the issue, but just try to be there for her and listen to her if she opens up.

I opt for acknowledging it, it's not like she won't remember it. I would talk to her and maybe spend time with her...maybe there's something she'd like to do to remember him by? Flowers can't hurt, neither could taking her out to eat, although she may or may not feel like going out. Just feel her out and go with what she indicates.

Kath, I thank you for your warning, I know it is given with complete love and concern. I am not sure if we will ever be a couple again or not. Right now, I feel we are both too vulnerable and have not had time to think or process things, and that is why we have not spoken of relationship issues, it's too soon and there's too much to work through before we can effectively make any such decisions. I did not "hope" because his letter left me no hope, so in all of this time, I have not once considered the possibility of us getting back together again...now that I have spoken with him, I have not had adequate time to address the things that need addressed in my own mind, and he is much too vulnerable at this time to confront him...it's just not the time. He is currently grieving two people, his mother, and a neighbor that passed away this week...he needs time to do some grieving and settle his mom's affairs and until he's had that time, he's not going to be ready to think about "us". I don't want to get him back and then him realize he didn't want that or wasn't ready...that would be counterproductive to all that I have already been through. If we are to make it, it is going to take time and deliberation. I am praying also for direction as I go along. But I am glad to have him back as a friend. Kath, I believe Jim is an Aspie, and as such, they are only able to deal with one thing at a time, it's how their brains work...when something of this magnitude hits, and you add to it extreme sleep deprivation and stress (his daughter also causing problems every step of the way), there are many more details that I don't want to go into, to do with his family, but it helps me understand what happened. I'm not excusing, I'm just saying it helps me see how it happened a little easier.

Redwind, yes it gets better. We will always miss them, but we do get better at coping and the intensity of the earlier pain gradually lessens to something more doable. I'm sorry you're in so much pain, I wish there was a way around it or a way to escape it but alas, there is no way but straight through it. It helped me so much to get it out, to talk to people about him, to write to him, to use art to get my feelings out, to make a collage honoring him. I have always felt him cheering me on when I attempted to do something out of my comfort zone, I feel like he's still here, and he is, he's in my heart so I carry him around with me.

I keep super busy during the day so it's at night that I have a hard time, I never have loved being alone. I don't mind being alone part of the time if I know there's going to be someone there part of the time, but always alone, I don't like it.

I heard from Jim and although we aren't back together (way too soon for relationship talk while he's grieving and I haven't had time to think about it), we have reestablished our friendship. it was so great to hear from him, he talked non-stop for 3 1/2 hours...and he's not normally a talker. I had a productive day today, cut a bunch of wood and stacked it and got my house cleaned and took my dogs for a ride in the woods and walked them. Laundry is done, maybe I can relax and enjoy tomorrow! My birthday is coming up Thursday and my sisters are taking me to the Olive Garden for lunch! I lost two more pounds...making 16 lbs down, 33 to go. Yay!

Suzanne, I've come to the conclusion that there are all kinds of things we don't know much about, can't explain, but they're there all the same and this may be one of them. It's interesting that she became aware of her gift after her own aha moment, when she'd gone through a life-changing experience. Perhaps God uses those moments to make us aware. It's always a good focus to want to help others and to bring something good into their lives. I believe God richly rewards someone for their noble bent.

Thank you, Marty. After our talk, I felt I understood so much better, what happened, what he was going through, and tomorrow only knows what will happen with us, but I'd like to give it time to see if it will work out...regardless, I feel he is worth having as a friend at the very least. I never stopped loving him and caring about him and I'm totally not interested in anyone else, so...we'll see...

I got a call from Jim last night...he received my sympathy card yesterday on the loss of his mother. He said he's been sleep deprived and no relief for the last two months and it was all he could handle to take care of his mom, he couldn't deal with emotion on top of it...it was very demanding and difficult and he could barely hold it together. He sounded genuinely sorry for what I've been through but he said something in him snapped. He is heavily grieving right now and has a million details to attend to...we talked for 3 1/2 hours but I don't feel right now is the time to talk relationship material. I didn't allow myself any hope for "us" so I haven't had time to think about it and he hasn't been able to think about it, consumed with caretaking and grieving. He did mention a couple of times "we'll have to work on it" so I don't think we're entirely through, but I feel we need to back way up and maybe start over and see how it goes. There's a lot to work through if we're to make it. I know I'm not interested in anyone else and I still love him, but I'm actually in a better place right now than I was because I've had to accept being on my own and I feel like whatever happens I'll be okay, it may be difficult, but I'll survive it.

Amen to that!

Depending on the relationship you have with your parents and how supportive they are, it could be a very good idea. Only you know the answer to that. I wish you well in your decision!