Momofmany

Hello, I read your post and although I haven't been having thoughts of myself being violent I have been having very grotesque and disturbing thoughts and then after I have the thought I immediately fear they are going to come true. I recently had a friend and her four year old daughter die in a car crash and I'm so scared of everything now. My sister took her three children to the beach and I panicked until she called from the hotel because it was four hours on the road and my friend had her accident literally a quarter mile away from where she had just left. Every time I close my eyes to sleep or while in the shower or if I day dream, or more appropriately as you referred to is a "daymare", I envision my life without my husband, children, mother, siblings, or nieces, etc. I think about my friend's husband and how alone he must feel. I feel horrible thinking these things and like I said I get so scared that because I thought it, it will happen. I'm not a professional and our loss is very different, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone when you're having these "daymares". And just because we're thinking horrible things doesn't make us horrible people. Actually I think if death did not bother us at all and we moved on untouched by our loss then we'd have to be less sensitive and caring. It's our sensitivity, empathy, and love of those we've lost that is making our minds wander. THe fact we're having these feeling proves we are caring and sensitive to not only our own feelings, but the feelings of those around us and those involved. I hoped I made you feel "normal".... you know what I mean... peace momofmany

I'm new here. I came because for the sixth night in a row I can't sleep. Last Monday a friend of mine was killed in a car accident. Her three children were in the car, the nine and eleven year old were perfectly fine, in fact just scratched. Her four year old was severely injured and helicoptered to another hospital. She died the next day. Mother and child were buried together in one casket. She was a friend from the past, but we had parted ways over the years. She still had a close relationship with my sister and my niece and her eleven year old are close friends. This was not a death I would consider very close to me, although close enough to hurt. Anyway, I've become so paranoid I can't sleep. I can't imagine the father of that child not having her around anymore. I can't imagine him going to an empty bed at night. I keep imagining her little girl with her gorgeous curls and cherubic face lying in that coffin cuddled in her mother's arms. I'm so saddened by it all I can't breath. I'm missing moments of the day that I don't remember and I can't sleep. I didn't eat until 9pm and didn't realize it until my husband asked if I'd eaten. I feel so crazy because as I said, we weren't extremely close anymore, but there's a bond among mothers, and parents. A death of a child is always close. I can't hug my three year old without crying. I can't sleep because of the images in my m ind. My husband has been off this week so we've been together. He goes back to work tomorrow and I'm so scared something will happen. My children were eating dinner and I pulled their chairs close to me for fear they'd choke. My son fell out of bed and started to cry and I had a panic attack checking him over. I'm so scared to experience the same losses that I just watched someone else go through. I feel so selfish for thinking that way and now I have that guilt too. He and his other children were so peaceful at the wake and funeral. Solemn, but peaceful. My friend was a very - no stress allowed- type of person. Don't stress what you can't change. I wish I could wrap my mi nd around that instead. I just can't get past this fear. This has been a week from hell. My Great Uncle died 5am Mon., my friend died 1pm Mon., my friend's four year old daughter died Tues., a ten year old girl my niece knew died 7am Weds., and then on Saturday at that little girls funeral a police man directing the funeral procession was killed. I'm scared to move. It's like this town or this week or somthing is cursed. I know, I sound crazy. What a week to run out of Zoloft. Thanks for the ventilation, sorry for the depression. I'm open to any advice on getting to sleep without pills. I've been taking a lovely mix this week and now I'm out and can't sleep because I have nothing to stop the pictures in my mind.