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Maylissa

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About Maylissa

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  • Date of Death
    02/02/2000; 08/23/06; 01/02/04; 09/18/07; 02/29/04
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    Female
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    Canada

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  1. Sharon, Marty is right -- " asking how long it lasts is like asking how high is up. " Exactly so. It's really rather pointless. Even after taking courses on grieving our precious animals, one of the best and most helpful pieces of wisdom I've ever heard is that, even if most self-guilt is realistically addressed, there will almost always be some part/s of grief and sorrow that will still be activated and alive at times...or even all the time, even if just in the background but not far from more tears. Then our job just becomes to learn to live with it, as another component of our lives with our beloveds. But I deeply hear you when you speak of gardening time, and how your loss severely impacts your previous enjoyment of it. Been there, done that, still feel it, particularly when each spring arrives. There is melancholy still. There are always reminders and triggers. But that's also okay. I feel the same, year after year, just not quite as intensely as the first several years...and I accept that. Acceptance of how we actually and truly feel is more than half the battle, and honours both us and our relationship with our furbabies. Know that you are somehow "okay," even with the immense sorrow and loss of passion you feel now. I hear you, I feel you, I know... "I will never forget you .. How could I? You were my soulmate.. " Yup, yup, yup. I came to use a phrase I have by now used an awful LOT -- whatever question or feeling I was expressing to my late furchildren, it so often ended with "how could I NOT?" (love you the way I do, always did, always will, etc.) Pretty much sums it all up for me. And even though I've never even had dogs, your baby is SOOOOO darn adorable. I've just always had a "thing" for sleek, white doggies with black spots on one eye. SO precious....
  2. I've been too busy to even respond to date, but have been reading all your entries all the same, and while there's more I could add in bits and pieces, what I really want to say is that you are ALL so inspiring, and possess far more courage than I had, especially so early in my and your grief journeys. It's just amazing, and bless you ALL!
  3. Oh my, Kay, what a stupendous sign! Love it!!! And how beautiful is it that, even though your anxiety was somewhat more peripherally related to your husband's passing, he still heard/saw it and responded in a way that would assuredly help you!! Physical signs among the BEST! ❤️ Thanks so much for sharing! In much the same way, my fur-son's spirit came through for me physically as well, and as you put it, it was "unmistakable." One or two days after his transition, in the morning while we were still in bed, and in that open head space and brain wave frequency of beginning to wake up, he was suddenly there beside my head, nuzzling his snoot deeply into my ear, while also tromping my hair and purring his loud, soothing purr!!! So utilizing two earthly senses - touch and hearing. As he well knew, this was my ALL-TIME FAVOURITE lovingly affectionate practice that he'd done for me regularly, that just made me SWOON in delight. It was so vivid and REAL, I reached up to stroke his silky body, as always, not even being aware yet that anything had changed in our world. So, sighhhhh....I got to experience a few glorious seconds of "all is how it's always been" before it dawned on me that he had just crossed over, so how could this BE? That of course and unfortunately made me lose the connection in a split second and I started bawling. But I'll never forget how powerful, real, and loving it all felt. The gratitude still swells in my heart every time I recall it... Our loved ones' essence, and our lives together, never really dies. 💘 These signs have taught me firsthand that death is just another illusion, simply (yet very powerfully) made up in our minds. And that always reminds me of the famous quote by Marianne Williamson (referencing "A Course In Miracles"): "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us."
  4. Yes, Marty, it certainly is! I've mentioned you to her, too, in a private session, and she thinks highly of you, too! Love, all the way around! 💕💞😍
  5. I echo everything said so far, and would just add that it's been, respectively, 19 and 12 years since I lost my cherished furchildren, and nary a day goes by when I don't still miss them in some way....and more extensively than any other dear cats I have since loved as well. Regarding the lingering guilt, I really do need to make time soon to separately post a course I took recently on exactly that! In the meantime, if you're interested, here is the live class I attended. You can now purchase it "on demand," after the fact: https://pet-loss-grief-counseling-certification.com/healing-guilt-finding-peace-and-self-forgiveness/ Although it was meant for animal loss alone, it was SO well structured and comprehensive, I realized it could be used for absolutely ANY kind of guilt, in any life situation. I can never recommend Teresa Wagner's classes and site content enough. You're also not alone in your furchildren being the only children you will have. Same thing here, and frankly, the only way I wanted it. I also found grief groups (both animal and human) to be pretty useless too, as I still didn't "fit in" to the typical situations, and I found the facilitators didn't even know as much as I already did. (I also wasn't the only one attending who had issues with some of these groups) I will also NEVER throw out anything related to my beloved furchildren, and I have a LOT in storage...including many specific toys of theirs I could never bring myself to share with later cat loves; bought & made those ones new toys instead. So I hear you...
  6. Well, how excellent is THAT, Kay?! 😃 👏 I actually experienced my very MOST profound and "in your face" signs from my furkids within the first few days after their transitions, so that is how I learned this "old" information just wasn't true...or at least was no longer true. But that was many years ago, yet I still see it posted everywhere, as if it's still an indisputable "must-do." Old ways die hard with humans. But it certainly helped me trust more in what I received/experienced, over relying upon anyone else's opinion or outdated belief. And as I shared this with others through the years, it helped them to relax and realize their own huge upset couldn't potentially stop them from receiving these communications, either. Win-win! I think the main problem is that, especially when in the worst throes of grief, we just don't trust our senses, no matter which senses those might actually be. That said, there are still some forms of visits I'd always wanted but never got so far. 😕 But we have to be thankful for whatever we DO get. I'd be interested in hearing what your sign was...only IF you'd care to share of course. If not, NP! 🙂
  7. Oh my, Buster's Mom, what a WONDERFUL sign from your darling boy!!!! Hearts, PINK objects (the colour of my girl's particular energy; this also validated from what others telepathically got from and about her), and rainbows have also been some of the ways my own furkids have connected, too! I'm overjoyed for you for getting that from Buster!! 💞😃 You may want to start marking these down in a journal or something -- another way of consciously validating him still being in your life. I sincerely hope you will end up with more entries than you ever thought possible! And now I'm going on a roll...😉 It has been said by many that our loved ones really aren't "up above" or any of those older ideas, but often only ~3 feet above ground level, and most people just can't see them, but they're RIGHT HERE, ALWAYS, and we've just forgotten HOW to see beyond the earthly physical. Yet LOTS of folks even physically see them pop in & out, or see them rather like 'shadows' out of the corners of their eyes, and the like. It's a real help to read up on all the ways they can show up, so that you're prepared in case it ever happens, and then you can recognize it straight away, without having to wonder or think you're just "going crazy." And please don't be too quick to discount those sounds in the other room that you'd mentioned, either -- they may be REAL sounds from Buster!!!! The BEST EVER signs I got were of that nature, and my girl and I shared in witnessing several of those from her brother, so I knew for certain what we clearly heard together was actually him!! (I'd probably written about these here if you want to search, most likely for "ADC") By contrast, my H didn't hear any of our boy's, BUT, was the only one who heard one from our girl, which was SO loud and clear to him that he'd thought it was ME doing it on purpose to fool him! Regarding that one, it was very interesting, albeit very upsetting to me, that he heard that sign at pretty much the same time that I got a different one from our girl! So yes, she was certainly working hard that evening to make sure we were BOTH aware of her presence, bless her hugely loving heart! In reality, we are ALL mainly made up of space, not solid form, and are all in this same, connected, universal "soup," which has often been called The Field, if you wish to look that up. Newer science knows about this now, but many people either don't know, or just can't or won't accept it yet. However, that makes it much easier to understand why and how these signs happen. And it's a very GOOD thing! I'm also so very sorry for the major loss of your own ginger boy, Buster 😞. I didn't have enough time to respond to everyone here earlier, but I've loved what you've shared here, too. You've been so helpful and empathetic in the midst of your own fresh pain, so please take some cyber-hugs for that! Unfortunately, my life has become so crazy in the last few years, I never know each day if I can make time for anything personal anymore, or not. (so if I suddenly disappear, it's only because something else wacky has suddenly come up again!) And thank you much for your kind thoughts on behalf of these 2 bonded cats. I'm still checking on them daily via their adopter's fb pages, but still feel helpless to influence their wellbeing, so it's still a painful form of ambiguous loss. I sensed their fates coming just before it was formally announced (days after the fact), and I'm very angry about the whole matter. The only positive thing was that it was another validation of my intuition still working accurately. Had I known at the outset how toxic and ill-educated this 'rescue' society and its fans really were, I never would have been drawn in in the first place and could have saved myself a lot of grief over the last year. You may be interested to know their focus is actually on "feral" cats (TNR or adoption), but I've come to now call such cats "community" cats instead, since I've learned the term "feral" is often a misunderstood word that can make a huge difference as to their fates. These last 2 cats aren't even the first cats from this place that I came to love & adore and attempt to help, but all to no avail. As far as I'm concerned, this non-profit org. emotionally & psychologically wrecks a lot of cats, and a lot more.
  8. Yup, Kay, I certainly agree with that! I've experienced so many countless ADC's (AfterDeathCommunications) from my furkids, it's been amazing...even though I haven't gotten some of the specific ones I'd asked for, but others that nevertheless made me feel SO heard & connected to them. One of the best ones from my girl actually had the power to make me LAUGH OUT LOUD awhile later, it was so darn apt for how hers and my life was together over her last 6.5 years! 💖😻😹 BiscuitsDad, even today, every time we go away anywhere, I still ask my kids to be with me for the whole time, and so far, I have not failed in getting a meaningful sign of their abiding presence. They definitely found their favourite ways and forms to send their signs, and some are like clockwork now. It always makes my heart burst with love and smile in gratitude, even if I still might feel weepy at the same time. I read a LOT on this subject afterwards and that was one of the most comforting aids I found...as well as reading about human child loss reactions in parents, because I could relate so well to that, too, since my furkids were/still are/will always be my furchildren. Word to the wise, though, I'd advise to never publicly try to connect with those parents on that level, as they find it horribly insulting and can't relate to the equality of pain levels/thoughts/reactions, due to this society's prevailing attitude that it's still "JUST an animal." But the writings might help you, regardless. As for receiving signs, unlike what the majority of the literature claims, I personally have NOT found I necessarily needed to be in a calmer state to receive them. In fact, the most spectacular signs have actually occurred for me when I was the MOST upset! I have only ever needed to be open to believing they could send them, and having that desire. Because of the vast love between us, I've always received far and away more signs from my kids than from any human family member who has passed...how I prefer it anyway.
  9. Hi BiscuitsDad. You're most welcome, and I hope it helps in some small measure. Grief support tends to have cumulative effects, over the long term, I've found. But I can certainly imagine where you're at right now, especially since it's only been a couple of weeks. I remember all too well how utterly devastated I was myself, especially after we lost our girl, who was the last to transition. Prior to that, I had to go on, because she was still here with me. My heart just breaks for you, over the crying/near-crying, sadness, emptiness, unhappiness, loneliness, the quiet and feelings of pointlessness. Truly, I felt the same way, and cried all through the days, until I got numbed-out or too exhausted for tears, but only for brief periods. Just staying alive was such a struggle...and I didn't want to stay alive, either. It's excruciating, and even that word doesn't do deep grief justice. At my bequest, we went on a short, local trip soon after losing our girl because I could no longer tolerate being in the house by myself, nor coming home to an empty place after being out. I sobbed like stink every single night on that trip (just as I had at home), thought I would have a heart attack my heart burned so terribly (and wanted to have a lethal one to end the emotional pain!), and woke up with nightmares and sobbed some more until I couldn't breathe. The break from being in an empty shell of a home was a little relief of sorts, though of course it didn't "solve" anything. But I sure needed even that tiny bit of a break and distraction from the feelings of devastation. In the past, we had only on average gone out for up to 3 hrs at a time after we lost her brother, as she needed so much care after that and I wasn't about to let her down if I could at all help it. Even my body knew exactly when that 3 hr window was up, and it felt all wrong to stay out any longer, though I had no reason to rush back home anymore. That went on for months, it was so ingrained, and became just another form of torture. So I suspect you must be at least a little stronger than you believe you are, being able to stay at home for work! But I feel terrible for you, imagining what that must be like. That said, is there any way you might be able to get out for a bit, even for a small amount of time to take a walk, or just go sit somewhere else for a spell? Baby steps are often all we can handle, but are also cumulatively good for us. I say this also knowing how difficult it is to even go to the store, for example...where I also used to break down in tears, with all the stupid music played everywhere you go! Thank you so much for your kind thoughts about my own current grief. I truly appreciate it. The worst part about that bonded mother and daughter cat being separated...is that it was a rescue org that did that to them(!), very UNlike how the majority of rescue orgs these days handle bonded pairs. To my mind, it's unconscionable. So yes, real-life stories like this break my heart in two as well, and I definitely share your wish about the world, particularly when it comes to animals! There isn't a tenderer place in my heart than there is for them. I sincerely hope getting responses here or elsewhere keeps helping you get through each day or each hour. I know it did for me, too.
  10. BiscuitsDad, I, too, am glad you came back to share with us. No matter how fresh or old our losses are, I don't think there's ever a time that we don't welcome support, sharing, and a listening ear. 💕 Even though I've learned so many concepts concerning grief and grieving, I just read another article this morning from the site What's Your Grief / WYG, that explained one of them so well that I wanted to share, entitled We Don't Recover From Grief, and that's Okay The wonderful quote they included encapsulated it so nicely for me, particularly its last line. (hope this gets attached right, as the tech's changed since I last tried this here) I agree, we do not want to relinquish that love. And we don't have to. And of course there are no "substitutes" for our beloveds. As rightly said, even if more love comes our way, it is always "something else," and not what it was before. Even so, my heart was yearning for at least that "something else." Now I'm going through another grief of a similar nature, over another cat from afar who I unexpectedly and immediately fell in love with, because she is nearly the spitting image of my beautiful boy, and has his personality but my furgirl's voice, and other such marked similarities. Sadly, I wasn't in a position to adopt her and her very similar mother. They were totally bonded with each other, and for good reason, I don't believe in splitting up bonded pairs of animals. Now they've been callously separated, each ripped away from each other and adopted out to different homes, and the daughter-cat also doesn't have any other furry companions now to help her through this, either. So actually, I'm grieving more for each of them and their grief (non-human animals do also grieve the loss of their own close relationships), even more than my own over having lost this chance to give all 3 of us happier lives. Sort of a triple-whammy grief of a less common nature. It's all making me dream of my own furkids on a nearly nightly basis again...at once ambiguously painful, yet also soothing. So while many people recoil from the idea of holding even tiny vestiges of the pain of loss, this article and its accompanying quote gives us permission to do exactly that. In some way it can be a sigh of relief, taking the pressure off to "hurry up and heal," and for good, so as to never "bother" anyone with our pesky feelings 🙄. At least on some level, I never want to forget, nor leave 100% of these pains behind. They give me the ability to be compassionate, and without them I might lose the seed of those hard, yet otherwise affirming life lessons, as well as the ability to empathize deeply with others' losses. And having also personally experienced the frightening opposite in others, I'll take the value of being able to feel that pain, instead of coldheartedness, any day. It means I suffer much more inside than they do, but there is also some merit to that. I hope this kind of broader perspective might in time help you carry your loss a bit less heavily, and add honour, self-respect and worth to what you're having to go through. I, too, am glad you've been reaching out and finding whatever help and support you can. Without forums like these, and other resources, I would have totally lost my mind.
  11. I hear you, poeticapathy. Great loss, recurring depression (always "situational" for me), being chosen by your furbaby, a bond beyond measure, kidney failure, not having support, feeling there's nothing left to live for, and more. I know you can't magically un-hear the cold hearted things ignorant people say to you once they're said (suffered many of those myself), but please try to disregard them as much as you're able. (I used my anger over this, as required, and cut several such folks out of my life as necessary) I also know how difficult and exhausting it can be to try and find the professional, or even lay help you need, particularly when finances are tight. I didn't find much for myself, but kept trying for quite awhile and did utilize a few, briefly anyway. Highly depends on where you live as to its quality or availability. Most of all, I can relate to your "thinking about going to heaven to be with my baby," even though I never did end up just staying in bed; too much restless energy and nightmarish feelings for me to not try to distract myself from. But I've felt that way so many times myself, over a few major, devastating losses, as well as over other types of disenfranchised grief that society doesn't/won't yet properly address. Bluntly, it really sucks. And it's frightening to feel that way. But there it is. Yet I'm still here for now, for whatever that's worth. Imo, I've learned (w/o ever taking them) that drugs/anti-depressants don't help any more than a placebo (power of the mind) @30% on average (usually less than 30% for the drugs) and can even worsen matters, so I always turn to my own custom blends of entirely safe flower essences to help take some of the edges off. I'm pretty sure I've written about them here in the past (I hope!), but if not, you could google them -- most comprehensive resource online is the "FES" (Flower Essence Society) site. They're relatively inexpensive and there are pre-made Grief blends available as well. But I really favour Teresa Wagner's ("Animals In Our Hearts") own blends, developed in conjunction with FES...as well as Teresa's website itself, wholly focused on animal loss. I'd encourage you to check it out as one resource. I do hope you keep reaching out. Your furgirl thought you were worth a whole lot, and I'm sure she was right.
  12. Oh, dear, BiscuitsDad, I'm so very, very sorry for your loss and pain. Your dear Biscuit looks like such a sweet ginger boy, and even his name is special to me as well because I later came to adore another cat who wasn't technically mine (his and his brother's people wouldn't allow us to adopt them), but who I also still grieve over and had actually re-named "Biscuit." Yours and your furboy's story moved me on so many levels, because it's quite close to mine and my boy's story, too, and I can only hope that may help you feel like you're not totally alone in the terrible state this has left you in. You displayed great courage in telling your painful story here, so I hope you can at some point acknowledge and respect yourself for that. Just about everything you said here, I've felt and said myself. I truly resonate with the utter agony of it, and am able to re-experience a now somewhat softened version of it in a nanosecond, even to this day...but I do try not to as much as I can help it. Unlike your story though, despite being right at my beloved boy's side and still at home, I was not even able to hold him in my arms in his final moments, nor even for hours before...yet another aspect that still haunts me no end, it was just so "wrong," given how such closeness had always been a given between us. So I envy you that gift. My boy fully knew how immensely and endlessly loved and cherished he was, and like you and your Biscuit, he, I, and his sister were all soulmates. Still, these kinds of "if only's," the wishing for every purrfection in the past, linger. But like your story, those horrifying moments of gasping for air...no, I don't expect those will ever dim from my memory. Trying to find meaning in such excruciating experiences is no easy fete, potentially taking many years of deep reflection and effort. To that end, I just took another course a few weeks ago to try and work more thoroughly through the vestiges of my own guilt, even these many years later. I haven't yet finished it, but this course certainly has loads of merit, and I can share more about it if you wish, including where to purchase it "on demand." (was going to post this course as a separate topic here but haven't even gotten around to that yet, either) My heart just busts apart for any of us who experienced a less than "peaceful" or "easy" transition for our beloved furbabies, when they deserved only the very best from life. Yet we cannot, and I say even should not forget the pain, either, as that would be a disservice to both ourselves and the lessons we learn through our beloveds' precious lives. However, it's best if we can learn how to move through and past as much of our guilt as possible. There are different types of guilt though, which that course outlines and helps you work through in depth, as well as addressing the task of self-forgiveness as much as possible. You're right about this -- life will never be the same after such great loss. How could it? And as kayc said, we miss them every day. But then, why wouldn't or shouldn't we? For me, my furchildren were and still absolutely are the biggest, most meaningful and most spectacularly miraculous loves of my life, for so many reasons 💖, so missing them so deeply seems a very fitting and honourable way to feel. It also helps me feel and recognize how bonded and connected we remain, even after death. To best help ourselves through the roller coaster of intense grief, learning all we can about grief and grieving is highly important, taken in whatever doses we can handle each day. I would certainly recommend Marty's material as a great resource, as well as some others. Most people are not at all prepared for the devastation felt, since western society runs from death, so we need to learn and not blame ourselves for not knowing beforehand. I sincerely hope you will find much of what you need here, as well as the company that is so key to getting through the pain. Blessings to both you and you sweet boy, Biscuit...
  13. Oh my goodness, I've been very tardy on getting to older emails from the summer, and just came upon notice of your traumatic story. I'm so terribly sorry for the losses you've gone through, and yes, of course, discovering an affair is also a loss, to your marriage and much more. Like you, I also have had what many consider to be a "hard life," so I get it, in more ways than you could know. The loss of your dear dog was already more than enough to deal with, but finding out about an affair on the SAME DAY?! Absolutely doubly-devastating! You poor woman! There are many resources here for pet loss, as Marty mentioned as a starting point, so I won't add to that. But for affairs, if you haven't already made any finite decisions (which is actually recommended for at least 6 months afterwards, if not longer), might I suggest you look into this site: https://www.affairrecovery.com/free-resources-home My heart goes out to you, and I hope you have been able to cope in some way(s) since all of this tragedy hit you.
  14. Thanks for posting this, Marty. I started listening to this, but after one of the ladies called an animal "it," I realized this wasn't the level of understanding or connection I relate to. But there was recently an Animal Wisdom World Summit that ran for ~10 days, hosted by Dr. Cara Gubbins, that was totally up my alley. 💜
  15. Dear MissMySammy, I'm so very sorry for your loss of Sammy. You don't mention what led to his passing but I imagine he must have become quite ill if he had lost that much weight...the poor, little guy. 😿 You're right though -- "There is nowhere to go to dodge the pain." But then, would you really want to "stuff" all of that, as if his life didn't matter and it didn't cause you so much pain from his passing? After all, Sammy was a huge part of your life for a long time, and your role as his caregiver and companion (or pet parent) for 18+ years, plus your present pain, is a direct reflection of just how much he meant to you and what you meant to him, and of how your life together was so entwined. Plus of course, if we "stuff" difficult feelings, it only leads to worse things for us, on many multifaceted and connected levels. It can also take a long time, after much personal effort, to really embody feeling "lucky" for having someone so precious in our lives, along with the anguish it causes us to lose them. You are not alone in your perspective. For instance, it has been many years since I lost my own furchildren, yet that feeling of gratitude, or feeling "lucky" to have had them in my life, remains MIXED with the sorrow of missing them still. Reflecting on our lives together, I also still must reach for little islands of "comfort" to help balance that ongoing sorrow. Your descriptions of Sammy's characteristics did make me (still ambigously) smile though, reminding me of some of the countless ways my own furkids graced my days. Cats are all such amazing characters! 💖 Our animal loves are all unique and wondrous, and as such I would highly suggest documenting everything you remember, as it comes to you, about how Sammy was, in all its/his beautiful detail, so you will have as much as possible to keep those memories alive as the years go by. We often think we'll remember everything, but we often lose bits and pieces as time rolls on, and our memories do tend to fade a bit. I also understand how it "hurts more than (one) can say." Words are often wholly insufficient to capture our heart's deepest feelings. But it's also healing to purely FEEL whatever you feel in any given moment, with as few filters or blocks as possible put up to interfere with that process, so that those deep feelings stand less chance of becoming lodged in your body's very cells. Just grieve as much and as hard as you need to, and let that be permissible. You were there as he returned to spirit, and that alone counts for a LOT....for him, and for yourself. Never forget that many people do not give their precious animal the gift and comfort of their presence at their passing, but YOU DID, and Sammy would have been grateful for that...for what he deserved. Again, I offer my heartfelt condolences on Sammy's crossing, and wish you everything you need to get through this most difficult journey. Blessings, Maylissa
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