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About Maylissa

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    02/02/2000; 08/23/06; 01/02/04; 09/18/07; 02/29/04
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  1. Oh my goodness, I've been very tardy on getting to older emails from the summer, and just came upon notice of your traumatic story. I'm so terribly sorry for the losses you've gone through, and yes, of course, discovering an affair is also a loss, to your marriage and much more. Like you, I also have had what many consider to be a "hard life," so I get it, in more ways than you could know. The loss of your dear dog was already more than enough to deal with, but finding out about an affair on the SAME DAY?! Absolutely doubly-devastating! You poor woman! There are many resources here for pet loss, as Marty mentioned as a starting point, so I won't add to that. But for affairs, if you haven't already made any finite decisions (which is actually recommended for at least 6 months afterwards, if not longer), might I suggest you look into this site: https://www.affairrecovery.com/free-resources-home My heart goes out to you, and I hope you have been able to cope in some way(s) since all of this tragedy hit you.
  2. Thanks for posting this, Marty. I started listening to this, but after one of the ladies called an animal "it," I realized this wasn't the level of understanding or connection I relate to. But there was recently an Animal Wisdom World Summit that ran for ~10 days, hosted by Dr. Cara Gubbins, that was totally up my alley. 💜
  3. Dear MissMySammy, I'm so very sorry for your loss of Sammy. You don't mention what led to his passing but I imagine he must have become quite ill if he had lost that much weight...the poor, little guy. 😿 You're right though -- "There is nowhere to go to dodge the pain." But then, would you really want to "stuff" all of that, as if his life didn't matter and it didn't cause you so much pain from his passing? After all, Sammy was a huge part of your life for a long time, and your role as his caregiver and companion (or pet parent) for 18+ years, plus your present pain, is a direct reflection of just how much he meant to you and what you meant to him, and of how your life together was so entwined. Plus of course, if we "stuff" difficult feelings, it only leads to worse things for us, on many multifaceted and connected levels. It can also take a long time, after much personal effort, to really embody feeling "lucky" for having someone so precious in our lives, along with the anguish it causes us to lose them. You are not alone in your perspective. For instance, it has been many years since I lost my own furchildren, yet that feeling of gratitude, or feeling "lucky" to have had them in my life, remains MIXED with the sorrow of missing them still. Reflecting on our lives together, I also still must reach for little islands of "comfort" to help balance that ongoing sorrow. Your descriptions of Sammy's characteristics did make me (still ambigously) smile though, reminding me of some of the countless ways my own furkids graced my days. Cats are all such amazing characters! 💖 Our animal loves are all unique and wondrous, and as such I would highly suggest documenting everything you remember, as it comes to you, about how Sammy was, in all its/his beautiful detail, so you will have as much as possible to keep those memories alive as the years go by. We often think we'll remember everything, but we often lose bits and pieces as time rolls on, and our memories do tend to fade a bit. I also understand how it "hurts more than (one) can say." Words are often wholly insufficient to capture our heart's deepest feelings. But it's also healing to purely FEEL whatever you feel in any given moment, with as few filters or blocks as possible put up to interfere with that process, so that those deep feelings stand less chance of becoming lodged in your body's very cells. Just grieve as much and as hard as you need to, and let that be permissible. You were there as he returned to spirit, and that alone counts for a LOT....for him, and for yourself. Never forget that many people do not give their precious animal the gift and comfort of their presence at their passing, but YOU DID, and Sammy would have been grateful for that...for what he deserved. Again, I offer my heartfelt condolences on Sammy's crossing, and wish you everything you need to get through this most difficult journey. Blessings, Maylissa
  4. Chele, I will never forget what anticipatory grief feels like -- in a word, awful. 18 years and still thinking about your adored cat. Yes, I share that, too. Not a day goes by where I don't think of, and always miss, both my own cherished furkids, and all the others I also came to love after. But you asked, how will you comfort Sadie's brother in his own grief? Aside from all the resources Marty supplied, what I did for my furgirl when we lost her brother, was multifaceted. For one basic aid, I made sure she was given flower essences for her grief for a few months, as well as taking the same for myself, since we all mirror our states of mind/emotions with each other. I would also suggest you begin giving the Animal Relief Formula to Sadie right now, too. See FES (below; you can order them online) for some of the best flower essences for animals & humans alike. You can also check out some of their related ones & use more than one formula (or single essences) if required. For animals, mix 2 drops from the stock bottle (of each blend or single essence you've chosen, but see their guidelines on how many to use/not use at once), to a 1-2 oz bottle of purified water, and administer 4 drops, 4x/day, or just add the 4 (premixed) drops to their water bowl (if they're drinking on their own a few times/day): http://www.fesflowers.com/product-info/formulas/animal-relief-formula/ The post-trauma stabilizer is another one well worth considering: http://www.fesflowers.com/product-info/formulas/flourish-formulas/post-trauma-stabilizer/ In general, talk to Sadie's brother about what is to come (animals DO like to be prepared, just like us!) & how you will be there for him to support him, and that you will help each other in your shared grief. Try to ensure he gets to see Sadie's body after she has passed so she isn't just suddenly "not there." Tell him what happened to her, including your ideas, if any, on where her soul then resides. (that said, if she surprises either of you with an after-death communication of whatever sort, you may want to take her brother's lead on that 😉) If his appetite is reduced (as my girl's was, leading to anorexia for awhile), tempt him with some favourite but healthy foods, or a few small treats, without overdoing it for too long, though. Mainly, allow yourselves to comfort each other moment by moment, day by day. Do try as best you can, to do at least some favourite or new activities together, even if only for a few minutes at a time most days. And if he should seem really "off," make sure he sees a vet to rule out any possible illness. And as much as you can muster it, feel and put out gratitude for his still being there with you, even through your own pain. Make it a team effort, and honestly, treat him as if he's another human who is grieving, so on an equal level, and treated with as much compassion as you would anyone else in pain. There are levels, and there are levels, and if you open to even the possibility of a deeper, richer level, the relationship you share with each other could undergo the most beautiful and amazing transformation, all because you're grieving together. From my own experience, my own furgirl reacted intensely to her beloved brother's passing, and immediately became physically ill as a result, and I was forced to "hop to!" in all manner of caregiving, when I was least up to it, and also then forced into fearing her passing as well! But it was all a huge blessing in disguise. And I'll tell you what really turned her around about 3 months later. I had been studying "A Course In Miracles" for quite awhile prior to his illness, then death, and one day, although she had had no interest in doing anything, she suddenly dragged me to one of our favourite spots outside our yard where we all used to play together. Soon thereafter, I utilized an epiphany that had suddenly come upon me as I stood there watching over her laying in the tall grass so despondently. This voice said to me, "you must (actively, consciously) CHOOSE Life for her!" And so I did, mentally and emotionally. At that turning point, she began to "come into her own" as a lone furchild (which she actually came to love!), and became more like her old self, but even more so. 💖 I empathize with what you're going through right now, and I'm impressed as well as grateful that you're that concerned about how your boy might end up feeling, too. Sweethearts like you make the world a better place. 💞💓
  5. That was so incredibly poetic, so very heart-felt and detailed, it made me cry inside my whole being in empathetic remembrance of the sheer agony of fresh grief and later, the abiding sorrow over the loss of such special feline souls, so special to each of our own worlds. I'm so very sorry for your loss, Memma-nem, I can't even tell you... Perhaps you're a kindred spirit to me and my own story...18 & nearly 12 years respectively, & counting, over my own beloved furchildrens' absence, which still pain me. How they touch our hearts so deeply in innumerable ways...it is life--altering.
  6. Monica, I'm so very sorry you are going through this with your husband. I truly do understand the extra loneliness you feel now that Baby Pearl is not there to buffer the horrible effects from your spouse's sorry behaviour towards you. And I understand fully that feeling of being alone even though your partner is physically present. It's daily torture, really, and is one of the very common effects of not receiving emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual connection and support from loved ones who are afflicted with mental health conditions. Some of my abusive family members were addicted to alcohol too, as was my first, also very abusive, husband. But the addiction to alcohol is often just another avoidance technique for someone who already has an unhealthy mental state and dysfunctional pattern of relating to others. But if truly alcoholic, there is no "cutting down" on drinking. They must stop it entirely and forever, and for that, they most likely need their own support group, such as Alcoholics Anonymous/A.A. Have you ever thought of attending Al-Anon or CODA self-help groups for yourself, or maybe looking for an online support group strictly for spouses of alcoholics? At the very least, you might make some friends or contacts who could provide you support and tools for dealing with that heavy load. It's good you're in the midst of writing a letter to your baby girl, and no matter how long it takes you I'm sure that will be quite cathartic. I did some of those myself, for each of my furchildren, and it took me awhile to tackle those, too. You might also want to consider adding a Christmas memorial ritual for your girl, in private, away from your spouse. I have done those every year, and only included my husband the first year. But when I saw he was just "humoring" me, and not emotionally connected to this ritual, I did them by myself, just asking him to go elsewhere until I was done. Yes, it feels more lonely that way, but at least it's more peaceful than seeing boredom, insensitivity and lack of shared sorrow on your spouse's face. I know it's hard, but at least the "big day" will be done and gone for another year, in 2 days. And I hope, regardless, that you can have some fun with your other babies, and their gifts, if they get those. May you find some PEACE and even joy, in such moments. Big hugs!!! Maylissa
  7. Dearest Monica, The fact that you got on here just to wish us all season's greetings is laudable, when you're not doing so well! Despite how it must feel for you currently, I see that as a sign of a courageous and strong spirit, and I have hope for your personal healing journey. Kay is right...it's tough, especially during these "happy" holidays (oh, the societal pressure to conform! ), and life is often overwhelmingly difficult, making even mere "coping" seem like an impossible pipe dream. Building a practice of gratitude is helpful in the long run though, even if you only feel fleeting snippets of thankfulness in any given day. They can eventually have a more cumulative effect the more they are cultivated. I recently heard of another way of helping that process along, which I'll share here in hopes it might help. If you are mindful of catching yourself in the act of feeling grateful for whatever (it can be anything, even seemingly inconsequential things), try to hold onto that feeling and "steep" in it for just 10 seconds each time. It's a pretty simple technique, but can have good benefits to your state of mind over time. As always, the trick is to remember to try doing it! I'm still finding Christmas challenging, too. Some new issues, and some old, like still missing my kidlets, and even other cat friends who are no longer here. I hope to pay my annual visit to our old neighbours at their new home across town, in order to see the 2 catties (plus their new addition, who could care less about us! ) I'd developed a deep relationship with over ~7 years' time. It's a commitment I've made to them, to visit bi-annually, regardless of what their people think; they know I come mainly to see their cats, and that annoys them, even though we end up mainly visiting with them, and bring little gifts for them, too. (and this year, I have NOTHING for anyone, I've been so exhausted by life!) I'm getting resistance on this from my husband this year, though, which is triggering a whole lot of related, nasty feelings within me. It seems "commitment" is a foreign word for a lot of people these days! So I'm finding I'm having to remind myself a LOT to incorporate gratitude for this or that little thing left in my life. I've also committed to doing a free inner healing mini-program held over the last 10 days, as well as another new mindfulness technique, and have been focusing on what fewer holiday preparations I decided upon this year, to replace the many distressing feelings with slightly better ones. Often, that's all we can do, but it's always a start to rewiring our brains, and it helps, cumulatively. So you're not entirely alone in feeling lousy, just so you know. I, too, sincerely hope you can find even a smidgen of reprieve from your sorrows, and some brighter notes here and there to tide you over during the holidays. I'll be thinking of you, Monica. 🤗🤗🤗 As the funnier Christmas cards out there say, shall we just say, "have a holiday"??? 😏 🌲 ________________________________________________________________ And Kay, we're in much the same boat, weather-wise! We just got over a foot of snow yesterday, too, and spent hours cleaning up...which I paid for as well with my chronic (unexplained) muscular aches and pains in 2 areas. I would have been JUST FINE with a brown Christmas instead! And like your location, more snow is expected, along with a deep-freeze cooling trend, making the drive to the chiropractor's before holidays nice and stressful! I also have new and unwelcome dietary lifestyle changes I'm decidedly unhappy with for very personal reasons, hence having to re-make my traditional, big-batch winter staples in time for holiday dinners into versions I can actually eat...in order to hang onto some semblance of my "comfort" foods. These restrictions are most likely to get even worse if/when I can find a Functional Medicine doc for myself, but if I want to try and reverse my disease, I'll have to make whatever changes are necessary, dietary and otherwise. Sigh...too much on my "plate" all at once, so one small step at a time, just like grief. I'll ask the weather angels to DELETE that freezing rain for you so you can see your grandkids! But if that doesn't work, I wish for you and your remaining furbabies lots of cozy cuddle-times and expansive love to fill all your souls to the brim!
  8. Kay, even many animal guardians don't care, either, nor do they bother to learn anything. Our neighbour recklessly stored antifreeze on the floor of the garage (I saw it there). Her cat ended up in Emerg. & nearly died from ingesting some. Kidney damage for life, and his life became a tragedy, filled with suffering. This woman ignored every bit of knowledge & resources I tried to provide her regarding the proper care of "kidney cats," and he slowly died a virtual walking skeleton with severe dementia due to progressive starvation/malnutrition. It was gut-wrenching to witness.
  9. Danielle, your whole story is just SOOOO awful!!! My computer is just about crashing on me so I can't write much for now, but I echo virtually everything Kay said. I feel terrible for you and your poor baby girl, Chanel. There are too many sick people out there and I'm so very sorry you were both victims of their ghastliness. And what I think of your BF's behaviour & cruel words, I can't even print! But I can empathize with your plight. From my perspective, if he's that mean-spirited, it's best he's out of your life anyway. On a more spiritually-based note, perhaps a crisis and loss such as this was even meant to serve your highest good, in that he showed his true colours at the worst possible time, to save you from what may have been an even more ruinous future with him? In any case, yes, write as much, in whatever forums you need to here, and know there are hearts going out to you in your overwhelming sorrow. Were we in person, I'd be crying right alongside you... Note to Kay: those safer antifreeze products were, or still are?, out there, but they're not mandated anywhere...just potentially available.
  10. It's amazing, really, how the past can come back to haunt you with "triggers," no matter how much time has passed. I just finished also watching another great, free, 7-part docu-series on the wonders of Cannibus Sativa, or "medical marijuana," and the plethora of serious conditions it can so successfully treat, and even cure. The more I heard, the more I felt that all-too-familiar frustration, regret, and yes, guilt again, in retrospect. That is because I realized with horror that the whole time my beloved Nissa was gradually failing, I had actually still had almost an entire bottle of cannibus oil capsules in my arsenal of supplies for her, which I could have at least tried to use to see if it may have made a difference! We had originally used this oil (which came from our local integrative vet who was legally allowed to stock it way back when) to stave off the beginnings of her arthritis several years prior. However, I had stopped it after awhile for various reasons, and just never started it again, as she already had so many other supplements to take. Of course, I realize that: (a) most people, even including our 2 learned vets, didn't even know back then that med. MJ could even cure things like cancer, and, (b) there is no indication on this bottle of what concentrations & ratios of the 2 most commonly known (so far, today) active compounds (CBD & THC) in cannabinoid oils that heal and cure, are even contained in it. Nor is there any indication this product was ever lab-tested for efficacy, how many drops/day would have been effective for something more serious (not that anyone knows this even for humans yet), etc., so there is no way to know if it was even a good form or not. Still, the thought haunts me. It would have been so EASY to include some drops in her daily regime (and it wouldn't have hurt), just to SEE if it may have done something good for her! I HAD it all along, but didn't even think to TRY it....regardless of not even knowing back then how miraculous this plant really is. I was not the only one watching this series, either, who was expressing regrets for having lost a loved one and not even knowing they may have tried this for them. I tried to share my feelings with my spouse when they first struck me, but that only left me feeling more alone in this. He is of the view that anything in the past is "useless" and "pointless," and of course there's nothing you can do about it anyway, being the past. I don't wholly agree with either perspective, though, and his utterly dispassionate response still hurt, seeing as this was our furdaughter I was talking about, as well as our fur-son (even though we didn't even have these capsules yet when he was still here). And apparently, even if I died, and then a treatment or cure was later found, he wouldn't feel any differently about it! These were all heavy emotional blows to me, discovered right in the midst of feeling how I was about my furkids. And while I know it's his developmental disability at play here, these unfeeling responses still kill me inside. Ironically, it's also his own condition that cannibus is having some wondrous healing results with so far, and so may end up being at least part of a cure for for all we know today! But my main point is, even though I KNOW that you can't know what you don't know, until you know it, and so there's no rationale for feeling GUILTY about it....ya know what?...you can STILL suffer these irrational thoughts and feelings, no matter how much time has passed. It's kind of crazy what we do to ourselves , and yet we persist. And yet, having such reactions are still a mark of just how much we loved someone... In any case, I'll be looking further into seeing if any of these oils, or tinctures, or whatever forms of medical use, can help ME. (btw, it's also apparently great for migraine pain!)
  11. Monica, when I caught this notice yesterday, I remembered you are using Blue Buffalo. You might want to find a safer brand, as B.B. "has issued three recalls in 2017 alone, and it now faces a lawsuit that alleges its products have been causing lead poisoning." "...young animals and dogs are the most common victims of lead poisoning, although cats are also vulnerable." http://blog.theanimalrescuesite.com/lead-buffalo/?gg_source=ars&gg_campaign=Ad - 468x250news-sliderblue-buffalo-lawsuitnovember2017ars&gg_medium=house&gg_content=2017-11/468x250newsslid_171106115856.jpg
  12. It goes even deeper than I knew. Some vets are now being persecuted for not wanting to be forced to harm or kill animals through giving over-vaccination doses. Even the MARS Candy company is involved, as apparently they own Banfield Pet Hospital(s), America’s biggest chain of veterinary clinics. See Dr. John Robb's (DVM) short but compelling FB video on "Feareth An Oath." (scroll down page to find it): https://www.facebook.com/DRRobbPTP/ And here is his testimony to (try to) amend the rabies vaccine law in Connecticut, including some vital, scientific info on titers/titer testing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k44JvhUDW2Y This entire issue becomes of critical importance to me, personally, as well, since logically I can not allow any forced pharmaceutical "stimulation" of my own immune system, given that it is already attacking my body (i.e. via autoimmune disease), for example, if any doctor wanted to give me a rabies shot if I were bit by an animal. I had not even considered how this vaccine could kill yours truly, too! I also discovered there are now certain states where mandatory rabies vaccination can potentially be circumvented on a case-by-case basis, through providing a formal Certificate showing antibody titer protection. For more on that, see the Protect The Pets website's various buttons, as well as: https://www.rabieschallengefund.org/resources Some titer testing info and resources for cats and dogs, here: http://www.dogsnaturallymagazine.com/the-simple-guide-to-titer-testing-dogs/ While it is so sadly too late to use for your dear Pearl, you will need this info to protect the rest of your furkids from rabies &/or other over-vaccinations.
  13. Hi Monica, I’ve C&P’d excerpts of your previous post to me that I hadn’t had time to get to before now, to make it easier to read replies in context w/o having to go back to another page. You mentioned that your ailments have overwhelmed you - I do hope that they are gone and that your health is restored and that you are feeling great again!!! Well, it’s not that simple. I’ve developed an autoimmune disorder which they claim will be lifelong, and now will have to try and heal myself from within, which I may or may not be capable of doing. And I have some chronic muscular issues as well, which may be part of the other condition, or not. I believe it's all been caused by my emotional states over the last few years. So no easy fix, but thank you for the well wishes, I'll take them! Thank you for mentioning the herb Butterbur - I don't know it but I'll look for it; I drink chamomile tea with honey. I am familiar with EFT, which I do love!! Oh, EFT! That’s great that you’re familiar with it! The trick of course is to get down to those core issues/beliefs/what-have-you that result in the manifestation of our ailments. It takes a lot of time and discipline to use EFT consistently, I know. Please, Maylissa, do not say :" I'll try to make up for my tardiness now, in this terribly lengthy response!" Please, know that your wonderful, amazing, wise, kind message touched my heart, as all your messages do, and I am beyond grateful for the fact that you wasted your time with me - I no more deserve a friend like you, like the amazing wonderful Marty, like KayC, and all the other beautiful kind hearts that take part in this extraordinary site - but, at the same time, I am extremely thankful for the fact that you guys write to me!! You do not need to beat yourself up so badly that you think you don’t “deserve” a friend here, or that someone “wasted” their time on you. Come on, now, tap on THAT….”even though I don’t think I deserve friends or help, I accept myself and my feelings anyway…” 😉 We also heal ourselves partly by helping others, after all. Maylissa, I can't believe you said:"......when my feeling of having worth to anyone is at an all-time low"!! 😳😱😱😱 How can you say, think or feel like that????? I’m so grateful for the way you feel about me, Monica. ❤️ But I say this and feel this way because of how others close to me have been mistreating me and disregarding my feelings in vital matters. And because I have not been able to yet find any competent professional help in the specific area required (are barely any trained in this particular field), and so I have no one really compassionate and experienced to help me. And because, despite all the experience I have amassed that should be of use to me, I’ve still never felt so alone and abandoned in my entire life. So your words of affirmation of my worth (to at least someone out there) are “gold” to me, but still cannot, all by themselves, entirely dig me out of this pit I’ve been in for too long already. But I’m also sure I was guided to you to be the recipient of your kind words! An “earth angel” in disguise, you are. 😇 I am pretty sure I am not the only person who reads all your posts and feels much better to hear your words and also who feels much better from learning from what you say!!! Please, know and I am saying this with all my sincerity (Maylissa, btw, if I didn't feel this way, I would not say it because I am a transparent person, so I always say what I feel and I always don't say what I don't feel) - so I say: You are extremely valued for who you are - your heart and your soul!! Wow…you’re blowing me away, Monica, lol! And I can’t tell you how much I VALUE “transparency”!! You, too, are a god-send with a very soft-hearted soul…like a cat!!! 😻 Yes, I agree with you: guilt has a worthy purpose. I learned that I will never, ever make the same mistake again. Well, there ya go, one mission accomplished! And please don’t minimize what you learned. By contrast, just think of all the people who would refuse to learn such a tough lesson and instead make the same mistake all over again, without any further thought or sense of responsibility. You are much bigger-hearted and wiser than that, and this proves it! I hope you can grant yourself at least this amount of credit. I certainly do! Maylissa, I don't mean to be rude but no one will be able to talk me out of my guilt because what I have done (agreeing to the rabies vaccination) caused my Daughter 's death and, consequently destroyed my heart ). No rudeness taken, dear Monica. It’s okay. I can still understand why you feel as you do. No amount of just “talking” is going to change anyone's mind anyway. Only inner shifts in perspectives or beliefs can do that. I do feel very different now - it is like I am still there, at the vet's office and, over and over, I keep seeing my Precious Baby Pearl looking at me, with serious expression in her little eyes and I was stupid enough to make this joke to my husband: " oh, look, how Precious is her little face!! Oh, My Baby, you don't have to be afraid, the shot you will take will be like a little pinch, it will not hurt too much, just like a little pinch; this doctor has experience and he treats many furry babies like you, My Love. And Rocky, Bubbles and Spotty they also got their pinches; mommy wants her Loves safe, sound, protected and healthy!!". I swear, I wish my heart had stopped beating the moment I said that stupid sentence to her!!! I should have had a heart attack there!!! Oh my, that’s a really rough memory to live with!! 😢 I can see and feel even more levels of why this is killing you inside…even though you didn’t know anything about the dangers of vaccines until after the fact. I’m just so, so very sorry this is how it went. It’s utterly heartbreaking!!! Again, this is quite similar to what happened with my girl, after I had ASSURED her all day of what her euthanasia would consist of, to prepare her well in advance. Yet that !@#(!@# vet who was sent out RUINED and STOLE what should have been a peaceful transition for her, and by extension, for me, too. And as for my own part in this, I still cannot help but wish I hadn’t been feeling so devastated over her impending death that I did not more forcefully FIGHT against his stupid “assessment” — the one that made him switch the procedure to suit what was likely SOLELY consideration of his precious “timetable”! (he was trying to get to his church hymnal meeting sooner…the people who kept calling his left-ON cell phone) Talk about ethical hypocrisy in a vet! What he did to my girl was unconscionable. But I still bear some of the guilt, too, for not insisting on using the type of procedure I and her integrative local vet (who he worked for) AND her Primary distance vet had already agreed to. So you see?…despite all this knowledge at the time, and having proactively discussed it in advance with the 2 vets who knew us and the specific issues Nissa faced…I still managed to DROP THE BALL. And now I must live with the horrible look of shock and pain upon my poor, darling daughter’s face when that needle stabbed her in her heart, rather than in her midsection, as had been pre-planned. Trust me, you NEVER want to see such a "last look" on the face of someone you love more than life itself!!!!! I can never be sorry enough for letting that happen to her. IF I had known what this would result in (naturally, he didn’t provide full disclosure, nor any warning!), I would have kicked him out and called the clinic to send someone else instead! With the remedies she was on (for pain, etc.), even if she had had to wait another day, or die a natural death overnight instead, it likely would have been better for her and her soul. But the bulk of my anger resides with that vet, not myself. And so shouldn’t I also have some compassion for myself, even if only a little bit? After all, I was falling apart as it was, and here was this “professional” suddenly telling me something new, something totally unexpected, and rushing me to make a decision. They use their power to put you right where they want you, and to hell with the consequences, for they won’t suffer them, you and your loved one(s) will! And some of them are just plain ignorant, despite their egos (and/or the drug industry) telling them otherwise. They KNOW people think they can trust them implicitly, and the bad ones take full advantage of that. And despite vets working on behalf of animals, many of them I’ve noticed STILL don’t view animals as equals, either, but as “not as important” as humans. And most have NO training in grief, making matters even worse for the pet parents. Overall, this is a recipe for disaster. So don't you think YOU deserve some compassion, too??? And yes, if you’re wondering, I DID ask about my girl’s death (w/o giving too much away) with one ACer later on. And yes, she DID feel that pain in her precious little heart, but was not dwelling on it as it had passed pretty quickly. Small comfort for me, though. THAT was her last, obvious physical sensation on this earth, and I was partly to blame. These are some of the reasons I can comprehend your pain and anguish and suffering. But honestly, this all just makes me even more furious at the snow-job that ALL of us have been handed for decades regarding supposed “health care” for our precious fur families! I say, use that anger and self-loathing you’re dumping on yourself to better effect, to help fight these lies we’ve all been fed, which will in turn help countless others at some point. In my humble opinion, that may help you feel better about yourself, knowing you’ve done some good in the wake of your personal devastation. This is how entire “movements” begin — first, it’s always a personal story that affects someone. Only secondly does it become a public groundswell. You might check out this site which was mentioned in that docu-series, to see if it inspires you: http://www.protectthepets.com/ At the very least, I think it behooves you to “report adverse reactions” there, as there’s no “reaction” more serious or crushing than causing the death of a loved one!!!!! Let this kind of action on your part create a legacy to your beloved Pearl. Believe me, were there a site in my country for reporting bad vets here &/or for BAD EUTHANIZATIONS, I would have been on there like a swarm of wasps!!!! I failed her because I should have been able to hear what she was telling me!!! I always wanted to be like Dr.Doolittle and I read about this gift of talking and listening to Animals and I thought I could communicate with my FurChildren , I mean, I should have been able to hear her, to listen to her because now I know that that Precious serious face she was making was because she knew somehow, she knew it was not going to be something good for her!! 😭😭 My "yes" killed an Innocent Little Being who loved me so much, and that is destroying me. When I realized what had happened - her symptoms and that last day, when she received the euthanasia - at that moment I felt something huge happening inside me, I felt something, my essence, my soul, my spirit left my body and I felt so light and so heavy at the same time, and a feeling of emptiness, like I have my physical body, but it is hollow inside. I could be wrong, but what you experienced when your Pearl was euthanized sounds to me like you…joined her in her transitory state out of body! Let me first say that I would have given my eye teeth to have experienced such a thing with either of my kidlets!!! But while I wasn’t so lucky there, I DID have a similar experience with my Sabin, but while he was dying on his final day, not at the time of his actual death. It was only the heaviness (and a massive, bodily fullness of same), but I recognized it as the exact, same feeling I’d had on a couple of occasions when I was a child…and somehow just KNEW this was some part of an out-of-body experience, and a sharing of sensations. Yours, however, goes beyond that, I believe, and sounds like some of the many accounts of people who have witnessed (in various ways) the departure of the soul when their loved ones die. I think this is MOMENTOUS, and a huge BLESSING that confirms just how bonded you and your Pearl-girl are!!!! I consider you SO fortunate in this!!! So perhaps it just needs some reframing in your head?? I also happen to believe that we do, in some inexplicable fashion, ‘lose’ a part of our own souls with major losses…not so much in the sense that our souls are "lost forever," but more akin to a “soul fragment,” or a “piece of you," going with your loved one, to accompany them, and to keep you feeling more highly connected. Trauma can cause this kind of thing, too, mind you…hence people doing “soul retrieval” work for animals and others. (I was guided to do that in my own intuitive way for a close cat buddy of mine once, and he was SO much calmer afterwards, it was miraculous!) That might be something you’d want to look more into for yourself at some point if that sensation remains feeling bad in any way. I am still "there " - at that office, on that day and everything happens again and again in my mind,; although I am very able to fake normalcy to my husband, to the cashier at the supermarket, to a neighbor when I wave at them when I go to the mailbox pick up the mail, in other words, I am able to function, but I no longer have my heart and my soul inside. It is weird, sad and weird. Or maybe it would help you to really sink deeply into that sad, weird feeling and just EXPLORE it, with some amount of detached curiosity. I would love to hear what you might find… Even if you don’t, I’d suggest you bring this up (keeping details about it to yourself) with an ACer, to see what might be discovered there. And yet in that sense, you’re doing better than I was after only a year, for both of my furkids. All most anyone had to do was ask about either of them and I’d burst into tears, choking to spit out some answer. I dont know if my guilt will disappear - I don't want it to disappear because that would be, to say the least, immoral; after all, it was my agreeing with the vaccine and my zero knowledge of it that caused My Daughter's untimely passing - and that was cruel, evil and unfair to that Precious Little Baby I forever and eternally love!! I can't forgive myself for that!! Yes, I “get” this, too. We often hang on to the guilt because we believe it’s a testament to our great love, and it is in one way, but in an unhealthy way if it goes on too long, or with too much intensity. We also need to keep questioning — is that is what we’d wish our furchild to do or feel like, were the tables turned? Again, evil is defined by INTENT, not by a mistake or ignorance of knowledge, neither of which was ever intended. And you did NOT have an intent to kill Pearl. You could believe it was immoral of you to not have looked into vaccines before then, but then, what reason would you have had to do so, thinking (even if mistakenly) that they would simply not be used if they were that dangerous? Again, your anger belongs where it really belongs — with the drug manufacturers, the medical establishment and these broken systems, not as much with yourself. Perhaps you are also turning it inward upon yourself because you feel impotent against these controlling powers out there? But even IF you ever forgive yourself, that will never mean you’ll forget…unless you lose your memory altogether. Forgiveness is really just an acceptance of something that happened, and self-forgiveness is acceptance of how you were (being) at a certain point in time. i have also contacted an Animal Communicator in order to know how My Baby Pearl is and also to ask for her forgiveness. The lady said she did not blame me, but the vet and since it was a vet fast telephone session, only 45 minutes, and I was not well, I was much worse than I am now, my emotional state, I want to contact another one again in order to contact My Baby Pearl - I need to know if she has reincarnated, if she is happy, how she is doing and, again, beg for her forgiveness and tell her I am forever sorry for killing her and separating her from her Son Rocky and tell her I had never imagined that the rabies shot would be able to make a mass grow in her precious baby bladder!! 😭😭😪😓😨😱😳😭😭😭😭😭😭 I wish all my organs had been infected with cancerogenous cells!!!! You don’t even need an ACer to say all that to your baby girl. Just SAY it to her spirit, &/or write it all out, uncensored, and read it aloud to her. But do you really wish to become cancerous and hence leave all your babies without YOU to take care of them? I understand the "wanting to die" kind of sentiment, but certainly wouldn’t want to see such a dire wish come true for you, or them! I connected with my girl on one of her angelversaries, and spoke to her of my own guilt. It’s too personal to share her response here, but suffice to say, she came back with some pretty surprising replies that left me feeling even MORE blessed to have her as my furdaughter! She certainly didn’t blame me. There are many places on the net nowadays where you can find free methods to connect on your own, so maybe that’s something you could try, too? Maylissa, I just loved what your Fur-Son told you via the Animal Communicator!! ❤️❤️ I hope your Fur-Baby Boy has met My Princess, My Baby Pearl!!! And I hope and pray they are Happy!!!! 💕💕💘💖😻😻😻😻 That reminds me…you can’t upload a pic of your girl here, can you? It would be lovely to see her! Last I checked (through Teresa Wagner), my Sabin was working in a leading type of way (which he always was in our family — the LEADER!), to connect certain animals with certain humans for their life journeys, while my Nissa was working exclusively with cats….which apparently, in all of Teresa’s decades of ACing, was highly unusual for animals in the spirit realm! All I could say was, “Well, that’s my girl!…following in her Mom’s footsteps!!” (as in my preference for working with, and just plain adoring cats in particular) I would do anything, Maylissa, if I could, in order to go back in time and say " NO!!!!!! " to that horrendous rabies shot!!!! I would give my life to have My Baby Pearl back!!!!! I know....and I thought of that sacrifice often myself. The problem always was though, if I wasn’t here, because I’d given my life to save my furchild, they wouldn’t have me, their Mom, to take care of them! And so, that thought eventually morphed into some acceptance, and frankly, having thought about my kids’ death hundreds of times beforehand, I always preferred that they’d be the ones to go before me, so they would never have to live a day here without me. It was preferable for me to be the one left in agony at their departure. I actually take much comfort from that thought, and reality. Maylissa, please, I do hope and wish you find your resilience and use your rights to say " no " to whatever it is that is a nonsense. Please, always remember that you are a very strong woman and you can do that!! Ha, these days I seem to feel more like I used to be strong and resilient. Part of my health issue includes fatigue and depression, so it stands to reason. It would REALLY help if the medical establishment knew what the heck they were doing with this condition, but as usual, they don’t have much of a clue, and can even make it much worse. That’s why it’s falling on my shoulders to find answers for myself. Honestly, I had better vets than I do human doctors! The other things I need to say “no” to are even more difficult, as all this is very costly, and I simply can’t afford what I need all by myself. ...However, pardon me for not agreeing with you - please know that I don't mean to be rude for not agreeing with you - but I do not believe My Baby Pearl's transition was divinely timed - no, no!! I, unfortunately, caused her death and if I had not given her the rabies shot, she would still be here with me, Maylissa. And that is what hurts the most because it was not a natural death,........ I caused it.....by agreeing with the shot! 😓😪😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I took, at least, fifteen years of life she still had. 😪😓😭😭 I know, I feel, deep inside, that I am a murderer!! 😭😱😱😱😱😭😭😭😭😭 You’re under NO obligation to believe anything I say! It was just a thought to maybe keep in mind, based upon all I have noticed throughout my own life when bad things have happened. It’s an observation that has often served me well…but usually only in hindsight, sometimes taking years to see more wholly. There are also hardly ANY “natural” deaths for animals anymore, as compared to decades ago. If it’s not through accident, or caused by sheer recklessness (or worse, abuse!), or a diseased state, animals dying of “old age” just isn’t the norm now. So for all you know, Pearl may have later become cancerous from some other things as well. Or perhaps she was already “predisposed” to it occurring, by that point. When nearly everything our animals are exposed to on a daily basis is toxic in some way, unless we’re extremely cautious with and enriching of their whole environment, chances are they will succumb to something, just as we do. Emotional states also play a huge part in this. Cancerous conditions also mean there are weaknesses or imbalances in the body, and today’s overall conditions and lifestyles tax our bodies in ways they weren’t meant to be able to withstand for long without (often many) preventive actions. In other words, you may still not have gotten a “natural” death for your girl, regardless. I know it’s not really a comfort by itself to think of such things, but it’s still worth noting somewhere in the back of the mind. For example, I tried to use such comparisons at times, for a bit of relief in the guilt. What if, for instance, my boy had gotten killed by a dog running at large who came into our yard? (this nearly happened a few times due to people who refused to leash or control them, or even actively encouraging their dog to "get the cat!") Would that have felt worse to me than what he went through or how he did die? I had to admit, yes, in some key ways that would have felt worse for me. And so I would play with these other possibilities. Some helped, some didn’t, but it was worth exploring. i agree with you - I don't like to use the word "goodbye " because it seems so final. I love that you say " they are only invisible to me on this earthly plane! " I always say My Baby Pearl is inside my heart - always and forever!! I just hope she still accepts to be in my heart, I hope she still wants to be in my heart; however, if she no longer accepts this idea, I thoroughly understand and respect her wishes - after all, look what I did to her!!! 😒😒😪😓😪😓😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 it is extremely natural that she does not want anything to do with me - ever!! I can accept that; however, I will always......always, forever, eternally and infinitely love her!!!!!! Well, I can’t imagine that she’d feel any differently about you, either. Isn’t that partly why we love animals so darn much? Their love is so much purer than human love. But the fact that you’d be willing to accept any condemnation from her probably also at the same time increases the love bond between you two, because that’s LOVE! When you said that maybe we had a soul pact with each other, so, don't you think I - unfortunately - destroyed that pact? 😓 , you know, by killing My Baby Pearl?? 😭😭😭😓😪😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Oh, heavens NO!!! It’s my belief that as souls, we form pacts or agreements with other souls before we incarnate, and those can be chock-full of all sorts of situations, both good and bad, but essentially are often ways to keep “growing” ourselves, bettering ourselves and the like, or sometimes just to experience things of different natures in a shared lifetime. And physical death does not destroy them, since souls are eternal. A pact is a pact, for at least one lifetime, if not more. Besides, time is just a human construct anyway, so on a quantum level, everything, every lifetime, every parallel universe, is occurring all at once. When you talk about your Precious Nissa 😻💖💕💞💝💘💗💓❤️😻, it is soooo beautiful and touching!! Maylissa, I do believe that she will be back in your life!!!! Maybe she is already back, sporting another precious furry little body.... because the story you both have is so magical!! Sighhhhh…yes, it is, as it is with her brother, too. (I just never spoke as much about him here) However, I’ve told them they should NOT come back to me this time, or at least not yet and possibly not ever, depending. And frankly, with the world as it is right now, I honestly wouldn’t want to subject them to IT, or to many of the people in it, given the choice. But I am just in no position right now to care for anybody else's life, much less my precious furkids’!!!…even though that is killing me. No ACer to date has ever seen them as being reincarnated (unlike what many others are told), and I believe they never would unless I asked them to. They know their Mom’s heart intimately and I speak to them more about our great reunion instead. I had told them 11 years ago that maybe around 10 years after my girl's death, I’d be ready again. But life has thrown me some massive curve balls in those 11 years, and now I have even more grave and practical concerns for which there are no ready answers. That is another grief I suffer with right now. Another shattered dream I must face. I do wish all vets really cared only about Animals 's wellbeing and really searched for holistic treatments and only cared for their Furry Patients 's health!! I applaud the homeopathic and holistic vets!! Thank you so much for offering to help me re-educate myself, but I have to admit, I am not ready, yet, to learn more, at this point in my existence; what I have learned - after the fact - (vaccines cause tumor, cancer in older cats and dogs) destroyed, crushed me and I am not ready to continue; if I ever get to a more stable emotional state, I will definitely let you know!! Thank you so much!! I want you to know I thank you for your wonderful offer!! Also, thank you, Maylissa, for saying that the fact that I'm sharing My Precious Baby Pearl's story is something positive. I hope all Furbabies's parents learn from my horrible mistake! 😒😪😓😭 I would hope many would, although tragically, a lot of people don’t want to know or learn. But those who have experienced these things for themselves are always amongst the champions for change. And now, even very young animals are getting cancer. The rates are absolutely shocking. In fact, the last feline buddy I’d had here last year, a wonderful Tuxedo cat who wasn’t even 1 year old, likely (from what I heard) got cancer and was probably promptly euthanized, rather than fought for to keep alive and heal. It was so obvious he was ill with chronic, bad diarrhea and pica, but I didn’t know until later where he lived, and perhaps his people didn’t really care anyway. It sounded like he was also quickly “replaced." I’ve experienced that go on far more often than people taking responsibility and going the extra mile for their animals…especially if they’re cats. As well as from vaccines, animals are also getting cancer from commercial/cooked/ processed pet foods, and so much more…paralleling its rapid rise in humans, too. We’re all living entities after all, and for all our differences, our physiologies are still pretty similar. But if people refuse to learn, it will only get more dismal. I’ve even known people to get kicked off forums just for pointing out what they had learned, as being considered too “controversial,” or non-status quo and therefore “upsetting” to others. While I sit weeping in frustration for all the precious lives needlessly lost. For me, it has become very wearisome and more than depressing after nearly 2 decades of becoming aware…which is why I’m so heartened now (finally!) by these others taking up the fight. Maylissa, thank you so very much for saying you feel blessed to meet someone like me, when I can only feel hate for myself!! I am in a state where all I feel is aversion, loathing and repulsion for having killed My Princess!! 😒😪😓😭 so, I thank you for your kind words!! Well, Monica, like you, I wouldn’t say such words if I didn’t believe them to be true! The very fact that your conscience is killing you tells me a lot about who you are inside, and you are the kind of people this world needs. I truly hope you can stop killing yourself with that guilt, because we can’t afford to lose even ONE of you! Yes, for sure, it stings afresh when I learn anything about vaccines - yes, you understand how I feel. For sure, it does seem like a never-ending painful journey! I don’t think anybody who loves animals can chance being unaware of the info in that docu-series (or wherever they can get it), it’s that vital to know. Yet, for you at this time, that much info might be too traumatizing to take in as yet. But at the same time, I keep thinking that had you been able to watch even some of it, you might have started seeing how vastly this was NOT your fault, and for that purpose alone it would have been invaluable to hear. With any luck, it will still be offered for purchase for a long while yet. I feel in my heart and soul and I deeply know that this whole experience scathed me for good - I mean the pain of knowing that my action (agreeing with the vaccine without having any medical knowledge!!!!!) caused My Baby Pearl's untimely passing; also, I also feel completely destroyed because her son - Rocky - doesn't have his Mommy anymore and it is soooooo sad to hear him meow - I know he meows because he misses her, but my husband says that he meows because he is partly Siamese, so he is vocal and he also says that he meows because he wants treats, but I believe he meows because he is sad since he doesn't have his Mommy anymore. 😪😓😒😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Yah, I’m pretty sure YOU have a pulse on what’s really going on, over your husband’s take on it. Sure, some Siamese blood (just like my kids had as well!) usually makes for more vocal cats, but cats do grieve, too. And Rocky probably needs a lot more attention because of it. But you probably know his particular, unique meows better than anyone, so as to interpret them best. Trust your own heart on that, and don’t trust anyone who isn’t as connected or caring about your furkids. (I have a story illustrating that, too, but it’s SO painful to me even now, I cannot share it in public) On the other hand, as I said, animals are mirrors for OUR emotional states, so your upset is likely affecting Rocky as well. His vocalizing breaks my heart, too, btw…just as it did to see my girl lose her cherished brother and grieve so badly. Except she went mainly SILENT, which was hugely disturbing! However, that epiphany I had regarding her life came around the 3 month mark, so nowhere as long as your timeline. Animals are usually able to get through heartache faster than us humans, but they do have to be given incentive and means to heal as well. Again, I’d recommend PLAYTIME/bonding time!!! Aside from that, I am just THRILLED that you managed to keep Pearl and Rocky together up until Pearl's death! You have no idea how often I lament how people callously rip feline mothers and their babies apart, AS IF their family relationships mean nothing to them!! There is VERY little or no effort normally made, even by the best no-kill rescue organizations, to keep these families together, and I can easily imagine how heartbroken these mother cats become. So while I don't know how young or old Rocky is, I can still say I'm so thankful he at least got to grow up still WITH his mother for a time. How few cats are ever that fortunate? I have had , like everyone else, bad situations in life before and some of them broke my heart , but I got up, looked ahead, kept a positive attitude, time went by and life went on; but, this, this was simply the worst thing that had ever happened to me and the feeling that comes with this circumstance is different, for I feel as if my heart broke in millions of tiny little pieces and therefore it is not possible to pick them up and glue them back together because some pieces got lost, they are gone and that is why I feel holes in my heart. My husband said that I have to accept death because people and Animals die and I told him that I understand and accept that - obviously, I become sad someone died, I mourn, I grieve, but I told him that what is difficult for me to accept is the fact that I killed our Baby, I murdered her with the rabies shot and I feel destroyed inside because the only thing I wanted to happen was to keep My Four Little Balls of Fluffiness healthy and protected from any illness........and I accomplished only the opposite..........because a mass grew on her precious little bladder. I could never have imagined that a vaccine would be able to cause cancer!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Yes, that “responsibility” pain can be immense…but only if someone IS a really responsible type! If you weren’t, you just wouldn’t care that much, if at all! So at the very least, I say give yourself some more credit here by acknowledging how wonderfully responsible a mother you are! I know that won’t ease the pain much, but it’s still a part of the process of healing inner wounds, so it needs to be brought into solid awareness. Wouldn’t it be worse if you hadn’t cared that intensely? Sure, you wouldn’t be suffering so now, but your furbabies, including your Baby Pearl, wouldn’t have received the same kind of love (and yes, overall care) as they did from you all along. Again I say, you needn't accept responsibility for not knowing it was a snow-job we’ve all been fed about vaccines. If even so many vets still believe in the nonsense out there, and have been advised by the drug manufacturers to use doses of vaccines in the SAME AMOUNTS for a Great Dane as for a tiny puppy or kitten or cat, how is that OUR fault or responsibility?! Is it our fault these vets don’t think for themselves? If anyone is to be blamed, first in line are drug companies, and those who support their lies. Second in line would be those vets who can’t even read and follow the instructions provided on ALL vaccine packages that say a vaccine should never be given to ANY animal who is already unhealthy in any way, yet they give it regardless. Again, how is that our fault? It’s NOT. You are NOT to blame for not being given informed consent. That principle and legal right, is not meant only for humans, but I’d bet such nonsense would be argued in court, as if non-human lives weren’t just as worthy. I and others have been patiently waiting for the public to finally catch up by getting informed. We should all be outraged, but not at ourselves, because we never asked to be lied to or to be denied this full informed consent. Human history is fraught with the greatest deceits perpetrated upon its own kind, and this is part and parcel of it all. Once you know the background of the largest pharmaceutical companies in the world, it all becomes very clear how we’ve been so stupendously duped and manipulated for profit. Oh, no, if the shoe was on My Baby Pearl's Precious little paw and she made a healthy decision on my behalf and I died because of it, I would not even blame her on the first place - I would tell her that mommy continues loving her, and forever will, from the invisible plane!! Well then, how could you think that in the same fashion she’d not forgive you simply for not being aware of something even most vets are in denial about or otherwise not disclosing to their clients? As are most people working with conventional vets, you were led to believe vaccines are a given route to future health, and carrying no real risks. You can’t be blamed for not knowing all the ins and outs. Amassing that knowledge takes work and much discerning, and/or a caring, well-informed vet to help re-educate you, but who is going to even begin such work if they have no reason to suspect there’s a problem? The reasons you may have been led into this harsh lesson through this tragedy is anyone’s guess. For myself, personally it’s a Big Picture reason, I believe. I have always had a bent for deep thinking, learning, great curiosity, philosophy, discernment, etc., and therefore growth, in a word. Why that is more spurred on by pain instead of pleasure, is as complex a question as anything involving humans, and my own personal nature…not easily answered in a sentence or two. So your own life picture is likely equally complex. But I'll say this. There have been a few larger events (both seemingly “good” and “bad”) in my life where it seemed I was pulled into making decisions that ultimately ended up for my higher good, though many hurt like hell at the start. In retrospect though, I recognized them as Divinely orchestrated. These moments also included how I was Divinely guided to find my kidlets - pretty much the IDEAL kidlets for ME, and I for them❣️ Nissa’s own soul played a crucial role in this entire soul-family plan for the 3 of us, so none of this was any “accident” or “coincidence." But it took me several years to arrive at this larger awareness, followed by a rock solid, otherworldly KNOWING of its truth once I “got” it. However, I also know when we’re still in the thick of things, it can feel impossible to see, feel, or accept such things. Even knowing this now, I am at another such crossroads where I cannot yet see the “good” for my higher self in most of this. My faith has once more been shattered to bits, and so I stumble, just as most of us do during trying times. ______________________________ To speak to your last post, unfortunately, there is no such pretending around animals. They don’t do those human games, and that is why they are such accurate mirrors for us and our issues. They see/sense what is really in your energy field and the “vibes" in their environment, and there is no hiding that from them. They are naturally attuned to all that, as we are as well, but most people have been desensitized to it. That said, acting as if you’re lighter or happier than you really are, can also help get you there a bit faster! Have some rousing PLAY with them as often as possible! Movement helps move emotions around and out of the body. And if your playtime can get you smiling or laughing even briefly, all the better for ALL!! Another proven healing method is a cat’s purr, so take advantage of these magical frequencies and resonances! They get lovely strokes, you get some beneficial healing and calming back -- win-win! (so there’s also a sound reason cats purr to themselves when they’re ill) There is nothing in this world that can get me out of miserable feelings like playing with catties! I go to a new (NON-exploitive) cat cafe´for my “cat fix” every now and then, and help them get played with and hopefully adopted out that much sooner. Win-win-win. As for your husband, well, alcoholism certainly explains a lot of it! That background is in my family, too, so I’m more than familiar with its effects. It’s good to know though that you’re not caring about it right now, so overshadowed by your grief that you can’t afford to, I imagine. But I feel terrible for you regardless, as it’s just not a healthy or safe atmosphere in which to mourn. Too many of us share similar situations, making recovery that much harder and longer. I’m so grateful for your compliments to my character, dear Monica. They help keep me believing in myself more often. My heart has been not just taken advantage of more times than I can count, but has been actively stomped on, particularly when I’m at my lowest points. And so I still have holes in my heart too, including over the deaths of other important things in life. But on the plus side, now I’m finally all caught up here! xox Maylissa
  14. Hi Monica, I only have awhile to spend here, and yes, I still have this nasty cold, but wanted to at least say a few things. (one day soon I hope to get back to your older post where you asked some questions, etc.!) Firstly, that's not a "website," but a free (for a short while) docu-series that's been going on all week. The last episode (5) begins airing today, for likely only 2 days. All previous episodes (1-4) are also still available to watch for free, each one being ~an hour long, but that will all disappear once the series is no longer being aired online. (it, w/other bonuses included, can also be purchased for $97 U.S.) And I hate to say it, but bottled water is not necessarily safe either, nor does it contain what is optimal for best health. It's just another lie/marketing gimmick the public has bought into. It might be better than tap water, but even that is up for debate, depending on where you live and other factors...not to mention the environmental damage bottled water and their manufacturers do. That's another big subject, though. Nothing is simple anymore these days...*sigh*...and that's a big part of the problem in trying to safeguard our furkids. At the least, I would try and find a good/vetted brand of spring water instead. (you can usually get this in those big, refillable jugs) And never use plastic bowls (or dishes), either, but only SAFE glass. And see if you can let the water sit in sunlight as well. I truly can feel your pain bleed through your words, as I am gifted/sometimes cursed? with being part Empath, and feelings often come through for me through people's written words. Plus, I can just cognitively understand WHY you'd feel as you do. I think I said before, I would likely feel much the same. So no, not only do I not have the right to try and talk you out of how you feel or view anything, but I know that's an impossible task at core, regardless. Only you can do that, and only when or if you want to. And I take the view that it's ONLY been just over a year, and I suspect you have a lot to process before your pain becomes more 'manageable.' I know you feel "destroyed" and that "something died inside" of you when you lost Baby Pearl. Who can blame you? I'm more than familiar with such feelings myself, and at present, I think more has died in me than has ever been restored, or re-birthed. But I also know we are never the same, exact person today that we were yesterday, whether that be from negative OR positive events in our lives. As is truthfully said, the only certainty is change. But while we can't have "do-overs" (more's the pity!!!), at least not until we figure out HOW to effect that into existence here(?), we can still try to take tiny steps forward over time, in whatever ways we can challenge ourselves to do. Yes, I'm sure it tears you right up inside to hold Rocky. It would me, too. On the other hand, I would also feel compelled to be doing the very best I could for him, as if I would be somehow atoning for the part I conceivably may have played in his dear mother's death. And part of that would have to then include making my own emotional healing a high priority, because I (and many others) KNOW our beloved animals are also "mirrors" for us and OUR states of being. I was rather firmly reminded of this fact a few times by our brilliant homeopathic vet, whenever my girl, Nissa, was ailing, and I tried my best to "hop to" and get my OWN head in order, to try and avoid making her suffer for my poor state. I was not always wholly successful, but I did my best to TRY, by whatever means worked best for me at the time. I'm telling you this out of love, because the last thing I'd want to see is either Rocky or any of your other babies affected negatively, and then, as a result, you feeling even worse than you already do. I know it probably sounds like too tall an order for you right now, but perhaps if you can take the same perspective I did -- that of wanting to put my girl's interest either above, or at least on par with, my own (which is what love entails, does it not?) -- then maybe this kind of intent and action will help propel you forward in your healing. This is what I did in large part after I lost my boy. My focus and attention (despite being an extreme basket case and sobbing continually) went to his sister, my cherished furdaughter. It wasn't easy, particularly because she DID become so ill straight away, partly due to her own terrible grief, and partly due to mine. But when I realized what I was doing to her, I HAD to make a shift. I had a "a-ha" moment soon thereafter, where I clearly heard the words in my head (but not coming from myself), "you must CHOOSE LIFE for her." (I had been studying A Course In Miracles prior to my boy's death, from which this "directive" to me came) And from that event came a miracle. From that day on, suddenly Nissa was wanting me to take her to our old haunts again, was wanting to play, and to eat a bit more on her own again (rather than always being finger-fed by me). She put on weight, when she had been anorexic from grief. Her labs improved more and more. And, as I'm fond of saying, I saw my girl finally "come into her own" even though her hugely-loved-and-dearly-missed brother was no longer there with us (physically). And it all came out of that ONE decision, that one Divine voice I tapped into in sheer desperation. That gave me some momentum, and more reason to live, even if it still took quite awhile longer to dull the pain of the too-early loss of my precious fur-son. But when I lost my beloved Nissakins, I had no more furchildren of my own to live FOR...an even more horrendous journey. Yet I ended up loving again, a few times. And got my heart shattered more times than not. And that has continued right up to the present. Yet I'm still here, still trying, despite my weary heart. So while this is no fairy tale ending, I still pray some of my own story gives you some hope for your own future. I also remain so sorry your husband is so controlling and abusive to you. My entire family was abusive, as were/are most of my relatives, and several former friends, so I have lots of experience with this. It seems I have suffered a lifetime of such fools...although NOT lightly! I do hope you don't allow him to dissuade you from getting any help you need or want, as these kinds of people take massive tolls on our spirits as it is, never mind when we are at our lowest. This is a large part of the reason I now have an autoimmune disorder. I ought to have put myself first, above them, much more often than I did. However, I recently laid it on the line with another one of them recently (who was trying yet again to dupe me into helping herself feel okay with what she did to me), and that feels nicely empowering. Until next time, take good care, Monica.
  15. Monica, I'm so very sorry I've been so tardy again in responding. I've just had SO much to deal with in the last few months...yes, one thing about my condition improved, but now I also have a nasty cold, and there are still other things to deal with as well in a timely fashion. So even today, I don't have enough time left for a decent reply, but sure hope I'll get some soon! However, I just wanted to direct you to the new topic I dashed off, just in case you wish to begin learning more, and if possible, to safeguard your remaining furkids. (tidbit: even the type of water used is vital) You can find it here: http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/10737-time-sensitive-the-truth-about-pet-cancer-replay/ Maybe you're not ready yet, but thought I'd offer all the same, as I don't know if you've been aware of other topics here lately, and just didn't want you to miss this opportunity. That said, I'm not sure how view-able it would be on a tiny screen, but I imagine at least you could listen. I hope you're being as good to yourself as possible right now, and know that you're still in my thoughts... xox, Maylissa
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