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Hi, my name is Nikka. It feels strange to be typing all of this out since it is personal but sometimes you have to let it out and get a strangers opinion and support. About 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend of almost 2 years and I made the harsh mutual decision to break up after months of repetitive arguments and a failed attempt at a month long break. These have been the longest 2 weeks of my life and my (now) ex and I have not been able to hault communication for more then 2 days even when we both agree in order to find ourselves we need to stay apart. Let me back up a bit. In April of last year, my boyfriend lost his sister in an incredibly sudden fatal car accident. All his life, he resented her and said nothing but hateful things about her. At one point he told me he wanted to cut communication with her completely and said he hated her. He never had a concrete reason other then she was a trouble maker and was pretty unreliable. I only met her twice before she passed so I did not create a solid feeling about her. I figured it was meaningless sibling rivalry and told him one day he might change his mind. We had a wonderful relationship which shared its fair share of trouble in 2 years. We were our first loves and went through familial hardships, depression, and growing up together and thought we could overcome anything. At first, when his sister tragically passed, he pushed it away. He told me he was fine and needed to stay strong for his parents. He said he was the only one who could keep them afloat. He turned to me for distraction and I didn't want to pressure him into talking about things since at home, that was all he heard about constantly. He didn't want pity or for anyone to look at him any differently so I gave that distraction and comfort to him. But, summer hit and things took a turn. He started fading away. He stopped caring about things he normally would care about and in the midst of a pandemic it was hard to find any excitement. I stayed by his side and tried to slowly get him to talk about things but eventually it became too much. Around November, I started feeling this overarching fear that he was falling out of love with me but anytime I tried to bring this up it resulted in a fight. He would blame me for the fights and say I asked too much of him. I believed it and worked really hard to give him space but after months of us having this same fight, something in him snapped. One day, he told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me and didn't know himself anymore. We decided to take a break for a month after a long conversation full of tears and hugs and after a week, we got lonely and got back together. We tried to go on break one more time in this same span of a month until 2 weeks ago, I broke up with him. It was mostly mutual but, I got fed up with him avoiding me and blaming me for everything. I asked and begged him to take me out on a date and took him out on multiple and did everything in my power to help him find happiness but ultimately realized he couldn't love me, if he couldn't love himself. Long story short, we still talk. And after these 2 weeks he has apologized for being so distant and avoiding me. He didn't wanna keep disappointing me and wants to find himself but doesn't know how to. I just don't know what to do. All I want to do is be with him and I am terrible at giving him space. Multiple times we have both said we should not talk for the better but then end up talking anyway. I know we can't find ourselves if we don't spend time apart, but I just don't want to be without him. It is a tricky situation and I just needed an outlet to tell my story in a long winded way. He has lost so much; his sister, his aunt, and now his grandma is looking to be heading in that direction. So much death for someone so young is a lot and it is reason enough not to know why you want to live anymore. I just wish he knew how loved he was and how much he means to me. I can tell him time and time again but he will never understand until he figures it out himself.

Hello everyone, To those seeing this who are grieving, who are lost, who need comfort - I send love and light. Most people, like myself, find this place during hard times and that’s ok, because it means we are not alone. My mother passed away over a month ago and her death has devastated me like nothing before. I’m shattered, lost and not myself. My heart and soul are broken and the person I was when she was alive is not who I see and feel now. Everything is different and the pain, the numbness, the lack of connection, hope, clarity, peace and all is the by far, the worst experience of my life. In particular, it’s affecting my relationship, with a person I thought was absolutely “The One.” We haven’t been together long, but had a long friendship pre-relationship and the quality of our connection if unspeakably deep and true. When Mom was alive, she and I were unstoppable. We were inseparable. It was so right. Now, I don’t feel any love, any connection, any thing. I want to be alone and I don’t want to have to care of anyone. The pressure of having to take care of her and be a decent human being is hurting me further. I hate myself for letting her down and for not being able to give her what she deserves. I’m not being mean, or harmful, just sad, just distant and not present. God knows, she deserves better than what I can give now and better than who I am now. And in truth, I am not the same and will never be the same. Before I ask what I came here to ask, a bit about my Mom and I and why this loss hurts so much so. Mom raised me. I never met my father. She never brought me around me, ever. I have no siblings. We were quite poor and she suffered from massive anxiety issues. As a child, I knew I had to stop up and take care of her. I did that. I became an adult way too soon. When I was 12, Mom started having heart and lung problems. In a nutshell, I spent my twenties and thirties taking care of her. You’re talking a million days in the hospital, so much work at her place, you can’t imagine. I was a caregiver and that turned me into a perpetual giver. I take care of people and have never had anyone to take care of me. Mom gave all she could, but she couldn’t take care of me like she wished. Needless to say, I have trouble with letting people in. But I am infinitely kind and loving. I try damn hard to be a good soul. I feel so far away from my partner now. I love her. But I want to be alone and feel that I’d heal better and find peace better if I were alone, without the responsibility of loving and living with my partner. What are your experiences with this? What do you all think I should do? Any signs I should look out for? Thank you all. Wishing you love, peace, presence, good energy and all your hopes and dreams. Love from NYC HeartbrokenJ

Today marks 3 months since the funeral of my Mom, which my Father and I held on my birthday by my choice. She took her own life July 19th, while I was states away for work. This is shortly after I graduated from College and was just beginning to find work. I am 22. I feel as though I've lost her too soon. Just before I was getting to a time of my life where my relationship with her would only get closer. After the high school/college immaturity phase and the don't embarrass me phase. I'm holding an immense amount of guilt knowing that she had been struggling with depression for so long. She was extremely close to me more so than my Father and she was the parent I had my deepest conversations with about life and my heart. I've always been an emotional person and easily hurt. In many ways I see a lot of her in me. Shortly after her passing my girlfriend of 2 years had begun becoming very distant. We had a serious relationship in which both of us had talked about the future of us and had gotten promise rings to hold until she graduated. She wanted to finish school before an engagement and I respected that. I noticed her starting to become distant and I was beginning to cling onto her for hope and assurance for the future. She began saying that she was stressed with school and unsure of her own life and paths. She assured me that she didn't want us to split up but she needed to figure things out. We were long distance at this time since I had graduated and she still had a couple years in school and so after my Father and I created my Moms urn to spread her ashes I began to talk to her about me moving closer to her because I couldn't bare to be at home anymore emotionally. She was unsure of the idea of me moving without having a job locked down, but I assured her I'd be okay and I would find one and that I just wanted to be close to her. Within this time she continued to become distant contacting me less and less and becoming frustrated when I was clingy out more and more to talk to her. My emotions were so controlling I would ask her assurance for our own future more and more needing her to tell me that her and I would be together and that she loved me. She quickly began to start saying she didn't want to talk or that she was busy until one night she just said she needed a break from the conversation and that she couldn't constantly give me assurance. She also told me that maybe we can talk more about it Sunday when we were already planning to come up there for me to visit and find a place. That was the Monday before. After that night I messaged her the next day normally as I would seeing how she was doing and I never heard a response. During this week I was able to lock down an apartment and I called her to tell her the news. My calls went unanswered. I thought maybe she just needed space and I thought if it was really really bad surely she would say something to me before I drove up there. I reached out to a couple mutual friends and they agreed with my thought. Sunday in the beginning of September I drove there to move into the apartment and see her. It was a ten hour drive and when I got there I tried to call her to tell her I was outside of the dorm. She didn't answer her phone so I sent a text and she walked down. She broke the news to me first thing. She already had her friends up in her dorm so we couldn't hang out or anything as I asked her to lunch right when I arrived. She said she thought we should breakup and that she couldn't see herself being able to chase her goals and dreams within this relationship. I tried to apologize for how clingy and needy I had become and assured her that me moving up there is not to lock her down anymore it was simply to heal and to be close to her. I love her and I really saw a future of us together we were close and did almost everything together for 2 years. She asked me to stop trying to change her mind and so I hugged her and left in a hurry. That night I told the apartment complex the story and they allowed me to stay a night because I thought maybe she'd think about it some more. I never heard from her. The next day I talked to one of the mutual friends that had been in the room and they said she told them that her reasons were that the relationship was toxic that I was egotistical, manipulative, and controlling. This took a tremendous hit on me for I had no idea she felt this way and I began to self analyze and figure out what I did wrong. I was hurt and all I wanted to do was talk this out with her. I gave her space for a week and I sent a friendly text asking how she's doing. It went unanswered. Then I waited 2 weeks and sent another. No answer. During this time I had been writing an apology letter explaining that I had heard what she said and that I was sorry and I never meant her to feel that way. I expressed to her how much I care for her, love her, and want to be a part of her life if even just a friend. I also told her I was seeking counseling to help with grieving and to also seek some help on the things she said that maybe I did wrong. I decided I didn't want to send it to her address since it would get to her parents house first before college. So I called. She didn't answer and so I left a couple voicemails stating what I had to say in the letter. A day went by and I transcribed the letter into a Facebook message and sent it. She blocked me shortly after it sent. This completely destroyed any bit of strength I felt I had left. I felt alone in a new place and I don't know if I'm strong enough to get through it. I'm struggling to deal with the grief of now two things at the same time. One my mom and two someone I loved that I truly saw a future with. Thoughts of feeling that this girl is the last girl who would of had a relationship with my mom who would of known her personally is now also gone. Not only that but potentially never to be heard from again. This scares me. It's been 2 months since the breakup and 3 weeks since I got blocked. I feel left in the dark and I feel she doesn't even care what even happens to me. I'm mad at my heart for still caring for her so much after this and I can't stop my brain from stirring possibilities or thoughts from the past. It's like no matter where I look or put my mind to I reminded of either my Mom or her and I feel it's just so much I'm not quite sure how to handle it. I just want my brain to stop cranking and my heart to stop feeling so much. I have had long relationships in the past none of which I felt the desire to get promise rings with. I'm not someone who takes that lightly and when I promised myself I did it whole heartedly. I'm cracking on the inside with the fact of the very same person who promised back and loved me for so long is the same person that didn't come down for my moms funeral even though friends from states away came. I'm not sure if I would of talked to her that day if I hadn't messaged her first. I forgave this because I knew she lost someone to suicide in high school before I knew her, but I knew it hurt her and so I forgave her because I didn't want her to have this emotional termoil come back. Now though my counselor wants me to see those things and think about that. It just hurts. Because my brain sees it yet my heart is still full of love and hope. Even when there doesn't seem to be any. I'm not sure how to get through this one. My mom and I always were the ones to talk about the things like this and it's so hard me having to face that I can't just go see my mom or call her. Then to have this added to that just has me so lost in everything. Is there any guidance anyone can provide? Sincerely, Jason

Okay so on July 3rd my girlfriend Amanda just ended our relationship of 7 months because I was "adding to much stress" onto her already stressful life, she just found out her dad has stage 4 stomach cancer and has 2 months to live, and has now ended our amazing relationship, we literally did everything together, we were so in love, she told me how much she loved me every single day and how she wanted to be together forever and wanted to get married and have kids, move in together, ect, ever since her dad got sick she hasn't been the same and we fought all the time just because I wanted to see her more, you see I went from seeing her every single day to maybe once a week and this was a hard adjustment for me, our relationship was incredible before all of this, we spent everyday together we loved all the same things, we were best friends and everything was heaven sent, we lost our virginities to eachother and that just made us feel 10x more connected and she used to say the sweetest things to me daily about how she wanted to be with me forever and how she loved me so much and how there's no one else she'd rather be with. so on July 2nd we got in a really bad fight and she was saying that she wanted to take a break and I was having a hard time accepting it and I told her just to think about it and she said she was going to watch a movie with her parents I get a text from her about 30 mins later saying basically that she still wanted to be with me forever and that she still loved me and that she wants this to work but it's not going to if I don't stop fighting with her.. so the next morning I ask her if she wanted to hangout before we work (we work together by the way) and she said no so I imeedatly felt bad and asked why and she said she wanted to take her time getting ready but she had already promised me previously that she would spend time with me that day, so I was hurt and I confronted her on it, then she said she was right about taking the break and broke up with me, I tried to beg for her back after work that night and she wouldn't budge, she then said she'd figure out what's best for her and she'd see if she wants to get back together when in the past she said if we ever took a break she promised we'd get back together... im just extremely heartbroken and sick from all of this, I don't understand why this is happening and how she can go from being head over heels in love with me to leaving me like I'm nothing.. ill explain the story in better detail if people can help