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Found 6 results

  1. After my father passed away, I seemed to be coping with it better than my mom and brother. But a part of me thinks it was only a facade. I lost all motivation. I began worse eating habits, which has resulted in weight gain. I seem to have sudden anger and sudden moments of crying. It's strange. I'm a very happy and optimistic person. I will be completely fine all day but when my mom refuses to buy parchment paper, I blow up. Or when my boyfriend and I are having a disagreement, I put it on my mom. I'm sure part of this is normal but I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on how to help? With the sudden bursts of emotion, having absolutely no motivation and eating my feelings. I mean I am sitting right now and eating M&M's when I've already had lunch and I'm really not hungry. I have so many emotions and still am in disbelief over his passing that I don't know what to do or think. I know I have to move on but it is all so different now. So, any suggestions or advice for these things that I have mentioned?
  2. Hello Everyone, This is my first time posting in this forum, though I've been reading it for quite a while - many thanks to all of you for your heartfelt sharing which has helped me know that my own feelings are normal. What's got me writing now is that I have become more and more aware of how enraged I feel at nearly all my so-called friends who over the past many years have acted basically like nothing has happened, when in fact my beloved husband died 16 months ago after a long journey through Dementia. It's like I'm invisible, or my pain is invisible - though I have openly spoken of it many times. Or maybe it's like they suddenly learned that I have a deadly communicable disease so they run the other way. Only one friend has drawn closer to me, and that has been a real lifesaver for me. Same story with my family. I mean, I literally tell people that I feel like my life has collapsed because the central pillar is gone. Does anyone hear that? Does anyone care at all? I'm just so enraged right now I don't know what to do with all these feelings. Sometimes I want to scream at all of them, sometimes I want to suddenly just move away and tell none where I went, or whatever. OK, so maybe they haven't experienced this kind of loss so they just don't know - but it sure seems to me that they don't want to know either. The information is everywhere if they cared to find out what it's like for us living with these profound losses. Thanks for hearing me. I'm just so fed up.
  3. Forgive me. I'm typing this via iPhone: There will be typos and grammar errors. I'm not really used to things like this. I guess the best place to start is the beginning. My father died in June of 2012. He was 52 years old. We were at a family reunion in Ohio, a camp ground. He was talking to my uncle about his stand up comedy routines, when suddenly he began gasping for air. The doctors say he died of a heart attack and that he pretty much died at the camp ground. He had been so content. It was so sudden. We never got to say goodbye... My life seemed to change drastically after that. My husband of 5 years sexually assaulted me, then cheated on me with our mutal friend, and we ultimately separated. I remember telling my family what he did to me. No one seemed to really care or make sure I was okay. My brothers are actually still "good friends" with my ex and claim he's a good guy despite knowing what he did to me. I don't think I can ever forgive them for that. At family functions I smile and pretend I'm okay and don't feel any negative feelings about their loyalty to my attacker, but inside it's tearing me apart. I find myself wondering what my Dad would have done if he had been here. He'd have kicked his ass. He'd have done something. He'd have supported me... Maybe I deserved what happened. Maybe I changed since my Dad's death and my husband didn't feel the love anymore. Maybe he was needy and I just didn't have the energy anymore. I felt angry after my dad died. I didn't know why "God" took him from me. I was questioning a lot in my life. Somedays, I'm okay. I carry on like everything is fine. Then there are days like this where I feel so empty and alone. Since my divorce, I've found a new man who is very supportive. He knows what happened between my ex and me, and he's very loving and kind. But he never met my Dad. He never experienced loss like I have. I appreciate his support, but he can not fully comprehend how I feel. I hate that my dad is gone. I want to talk to him, to tell him everything that's happened and to hear his wise words of encouragement. I wish my brothers would have supported me and at least threatened to kick my ex's ass. Also, my mom remarried recently and I feel like she's so content in her new life that she forgets about Dad. We always have pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. It's dad's favorite. But this year, it was left out. Forgotten. Why?! It was never forgotten before! It's stupid things like this that eat at me. I just want my Dad back. I didn't have the best relationship with my dad, but I still want him back. I want to be strong like he was. I want to be confident like him. I don't know why I'm here. I stumbled across this site and decided to sign up and write a post to express my pain. I just wish I could go back in time and change so many things, like all the wasted time I should have spent with my Dad, or ever marrying my ex in the first place. But I can't. I'm left feeling empty. I just want my Dad back.....
  4. I am upset because my mother died on August 25, 2014 (last year) right before my birthday. (My birthday is August 24) I haven't been talking about it with anyone except this one friend who is a girl. However, I have had a lot of symptoms due to this loss. For example, my grades have gone down, I do not talk to any of my friends/teachers/family with the exception of a few. I also do not participate in class and I am mentally shutting down because I shut everyone else out. However, my parents are probably the most concerned. However, they also lied to me about my mother. Okay, well here is the whole story. I was 6 or 7 years old and she just vanished. I was so young at the time I did not care very much however I was a little upset at first. Then I turned 10 and I begged myself to see her again and this time, I was a bit more curious, so I asked my dad questions. I asked him "where was she?" and "When will she be home again?" My dad told me she was at a hospital. Then, a last month in October, they told me the truth. She was never in a hospital...she was in jail. She was a drug addict and she needed money to recover so she robbed a bank. When I found out this information. I got mad and depressed. All I do is yell at my dad's girlfriend who I yell at because I think she is trying to replace my mother even though she claims she is not. However, I am still in disbelief. It is really hard to get over this and I am forced to go to therapy but they make me. No matter how much I do not want to. I don't know what to do and I am always so down and upset. That is why I am here. Hopefully, one day I can get over my mother...I am upset and mad at her. But since she is not here, I feel like I redirect my anger at my dads girlfriend which seems silly but she is also the closest and easiest target. Now all I do is disappoint everyone with my grades and silence. One day...Please help me if there is any quick and efficient way to get over this stage of grief. Thanks everyone!
  5. My mom died of cancer 36 years ago when I was 12 years old. At the time I couldn't properly grieve because I didn't feel safe. I was left to my own devices (my grandparents, dad and extended family were lost in their own grief and didn't know how to turn their minds to the children my mother left behind) and I was terrified to feel the pain. Also, I felt my grief was a burden or a nuisance to others and thus off putting. So I buried it and dragged it around with me for over thirty years. That delayed grief has sabotaged me for years. Finally I am at a point where I am ready to truly grieve but I do not know how. Part of me feels like I am still 12 years old and I am shouting at the top of my lungs HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME? I am so angry. Intellectually, as an adult I know she had no choice but the 12 year old me is so LIVID that she did this to me. This anger in me is so deep, so pervasive. I am hoping that if I finally can grieve, the anger will abate and I will have some peace. Can anyone help?
  6. Memorial weekend will mark the 6 month mark since Dad's death. A bit of an ironic "holiday" this year I think. As we'll be trying to visit all our other families' graves we'll also be getting ready to have Dad's headstone finally put on the grave. That seems to be like a final marker for me at least-so far all that marks his "spot" is a metal butterfly garden stake I put there & the broken sod; sometimes I could drive to that cemetary to visit other graves & pretend his didn't exist so it must not be true, right? I'd thought I was doing Sooo good with this grief stuff, even thinking that I didn't really need the very mild anti depressant the dr. gave me. Nope. Now I am to the point where I am going to look for a counselor. I have developed a lot of anger towards people since some of my closest friends have shown that they're not good dealing with "people like me"-I STILL keep getting told to "quit talking about your Dad, he's dead. Is there anything really to talk about?" by a "close friend" & co-worker I even considered a brother. He even told me since I came back to work the day after the funeral that it couldn't have been that bad if I came back that soon. Maybe I shouldn't have gone back that week but we depend on every dime & hour of my paycheck. I'm dealing with so much stress & issues at work that there is anger from that. Mom's has declined to the point where we are discussing other living options & knowing that in the next few months we will be selling Mom & Dad's house of almost 50 years & moving her & dealing with that. My only daughter gets married next summer & she wanted her Grandpa there so much-that's the one thing she'd ever dreamed of: dancing with Grandpa at her wedding. She & her fiance even went to the grave [how I have come to HATE that word!] & "told Grandpa we have to do this without him". I WANTED MY DAD THERE to see his favorite grand child walk down that aisle. Even as he recovered from his stroke he'd tell me "I know Allie's going to be a bride someday and I'll be there to walk her down to meet that boy.I promise you." My parents helped me raise her until she was 6 & out of all 18 grandchildren she was his favorite. I still cry every night.I relive that whole last week constantly-I am so afraid I'm forgetting the sound of his voice & the touch of his hand. And I'm angry at myself for not knowing my Dad better when he was alive-I'm learning more about him from my siblings, stuff I never even knew about him & I get so mad at myself for not knowing more-why didn't I push him to talk to me more?!! with me he was quiet & would show me things more & tell me he liked just sitting without saying anything why the hell didn't I make him talk? Why was I so d*** selfish to just accept his not talking?!!!!! I was his last daughter-I should have done more!!!! I don't tell my husband any of this-he has to listen enough to my venting about my job & dealing with Mom's situation. This is MY pain. I just want him back. I want my Mom back to before the dementia invaded her body. I want to hold his hand one more time. And I thought all this grief stuff would be over by now.
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