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Although this site does not seem to be too active by looking at the dates of the post, I will post my story and hopefully others will reach out and can relate. My middle sister died tragically at the age of 62 on my 60th birthday (Nov 23, 2019). There are no words as to what I am going through. I am currently in counseling...which is helping. Within 5 years, I loss my mother, older brother and youngest brother and my sister. Prior to my sister death, my younger brother's death hit me the hardest, we were very close..that's when I found a wonderful counselor and that was about 5 years ago. However, the tragic death of my sister hit me the hardest. She was killed by a hit and run driver on my birthday while crossing the street. I did not find out until the next day. I had a great 60th birthday celebration. I am sure it was not meant for me to hear the news until the next day. Grieving brings out so many emotions and pass hurt and pain..that is why it is sooooo important to not sweep things under a rug and think it will go away because it won't. It will re-surface in one form or the other. It is so hard in dealing with pain whether it be from relationships, divorce, etc., but it is very necessary to deal with it because again, at some time or another , it will re-surface. Grieving is so hard and I cannot imagine anyone going through it alone.
My dad's birthday would have been the 16th this month which also falls on fathers day this year.. The past week has been pretty difficult for me as it gets closer to his birthday. Mom said we'll make it a nice day, but at the same time... i know i'm going to fall apart.. last year he had to stay in the hospital and the nurses came in and surprised him with a cake while singing happy birthday to him. Luckily i was able to take a video on my phone and post it to youtube.. I know he isn't tired or suffering anymore but it doesn't change the fact he is gone..
My father died unexpectedly of a heart attack in February. I happened to be home visiting and was there the night he died. He was not only my father but a great friend, he used to make me howl with laughter. The last conversation I had with him, the night before he died, I asked if he wanted me to pick him up a burrito (after already re-heating leftovers for him) and he said he was much too full to eat any more food, but that he loved me and was so proud of me. He died in his sleep that night. Quietly and without a fuss, it was just the way he wanted, but I still can't believe the physical and emotional pain I have endured. I've lost 30 pounds since he died, have had awful anxiety and depression, and couldn't eat anything for the first couple months. I'm seeing a therapist, and am close with my siblings and mother, but the loss is so palpable, it makes it hard to breathe. I had a vivid dream of him last night and woke up feeling awful. Tomorrow is his birthday. My sister wants to get a cake for him but I'm not sure how I feel about that. I like the idea of getting Mexican food and margaritas (his absolute favorite), but am having such a hard even thinking about celebrating in any way. As I type this I am sobbing in my office, feverishly wiping my eyes and nose so that nobody sees me crying. I'm only 31 and he was 71 when he died. All my friends are losing grandparents and having kids and I am just stuck in this grief. I used to want to start my family soon but my grief is so strong I know I'm not ready. I've been dreading his birthday since he died and I just don't know how to keep going. Thank you for listening to me. <3