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My birthday is tomorrow. 3 weeks since my mom passed away. Mine is the first in our family since it happened. I kind of wish we could just ignore it this year... I am staying in my childhood home. Taking care of my father. He is almost completely blind. It has been nice to be with family and the home I grew up in. Where all of my favorite memories with my mom took place 🤍 I felt okay about it today. I decided to take my daughter to our favorite café here and then bake a cake. A few of our relatives are coming. Most live far away - I am not a very good hostess like my mom was. She was the star everywhere she went - Then my sister said that she was coming. I was extremely excited, because I was not expecting it. She has dealt with her loss in her way. She kind of disappeared after. I respected it and took care of things so that she could take care of herself. Besides my dad is not her dad. Her father died when she was 1 year old. Losing our mom was extremely hard on her. She is the oldest and felt like she wanted to take care of my mom like our mom always took care of us. We have been concerned about my mom's health for a while. Never expected this though. But then she said that she wasn't coming after all. I was extremely disappointed. Kind of angry to be honest. Her husband had invited her somewhere. But I could really use my family close on this difficult day. I don't know. I kind of feel alone. Like I didn't just lose my mom. I lost my brother and sister too. Because without my mom, they have no reason to come here (my brother lives in another country). They both have their own families. I just have my daughter and now the responsibility of my dad. I'm the youngest. They are 12 and 17 years older than me. I am not very emotionally stable and it angers me that people are so inconsiderate. I struggle with anger sometimes. I never show it. I just feel it inside of me. Making me unhappy. This is a difficult day. I keep missing my mom. No one makes better cakes than her. I then get upset with myself that I didn't ask her to teach me how to do it myself. She was always very good at consoling me and giving really wise advice when I had disagreements with family members. She always stayed out of it but offered so much emotional support. I miss you, mommy ❤️ help me on this day. Get me through it ❤️
Although this site does not seem to be too active by looking at the dates of the post, I will post my story and hopefully others will reach out and can relate. My middle sister died tragically at the age of 62 on my 60th birthday (Nov 23, 2019). There are no words as to what I am going through. I am currently in counseling...which is helping. Within 5 years, I loss my mother, older brother and youngest brother and my sister. Prior to my sister death, my younger brother's death hit me the hardest, we were very close..that's when I found a wonderful counselor and that was about 5 years ago. However, the tragic death of my sister hit me the hardest. She was killed by a hit and run driver on my birthday while crossing the street. I did not find out until the next day. I had a great 60th birthday celebration. I am sure it was not meant for me to hear the news until the next day. Grieving brings out so many emotions and pass hurt and pain..that is why it is sooooo important to not sweep things under a rug and think it will go away because it won't. It will re-surface in one form or the other. It is so hard in dealing with pain whether it be from relationships, divorce, etc., but it is very necessary to deal with it because again, at some time or another , it will re-surface. Grieving is so hard and I cannot imagine anyone going through it alone.
My dad's birthday would have been the 16th this month which also falls on fathers day this year.. The past week has been pretty difficult for me as it gets closer to his birthday. Mom said we'll make it a nice day, but at the same time... i know i'm going to fall apart.. last year he had to stay in the hospital and the nurses came in and surprised him with a cake while singing happy birthday to him. Luckily i was able to take a video on my phone and post it to youtube.. I know he isn't tired or suffering anymore but it doesn't change the fact he is gone..
My father died unexpectedly of a heart attack in February. I happened to be home visiting and was there the night he died. He was not only my father but a great friend, he used to make me howl with laughter. The last conversation I had with him, the night before he died, I asked if he wanted me to pick him up a burrito (after already re-heating leftovers for him) and he said he was much too full to eat any more food, but that he loved me and was so proud of me. He died in his sleep that night. Quietly and without a fuss, it was just the way he wanted, but I still can't believe the physical and emotional pain I have endured. I've lost 30 pounds since he died, have had awful anxiety and depression, and couldn't eat anything for the first couple months. I'm seeing a therapist, and am close with my siblings and mother, but the loss is so palpable, it makes it hard to breathe. I had a vivid dream of him last night and woke up feeling awful. Tomorrow is his birthday. My sister wants to get a cake for him but I'm not sure how I feel about that. I like the idea of getting Mexican food and margaritas (his absolute favorite), but am having such a hard even thinking about celebrating in any way. As I type this I am sobbing in my office, feverishly wiping my eyes and nose so that nobody sees me crying. I'm only 31 and he was 71 when he died. All my friends are losing grandparents and having kids and I am just stuck in this grief. I used to want to start my family soon but my grief is so strong I know I'm not ready. I've been dreading his birthday since he died and I just don't know how to keep going. Thank you for listening to me. <3