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Found 25 results

  1. I owned 2 cats but both of them didn't end well..... One day there is a grey cat appear if front of my dad's office, my dad fed him for a few days and we decided to bring her home because at night there is no place for her to sleep and all the restaurant nearby was closed due to covid-19 and sometimes there is stray dogs wondering around the buildings. The day she arrived at our home we were so happy. I tried to quarantine the cat so the she could get used to our presence and the surroundings and especially our dog. But, one day she just sneak out from the room and ran outside. I tried my best to search for her through social media, posters and etc but she was no where to be found. A few weeks later I adopted a 3 months old kitten. I named him Rascal because he is a little rascal in our house. The first day he arrived at our home, he jumped straight to our couch, challenge the dog, hide under the cabinet and scared us. Me and my family love him so much. On 7/10/2020 he ran into an accident. Till now I can't forget the image, the accident just happen in front of my eyes. In this accident he broke his left jaw and he got anisocoria for his right eyes duo to the accident. But I don't care, as long as he can recover from the injury, no matter how he became he will still be the cutest in our home. He was hospitalized for 7 days and I visit him twice everyday because I worried that he will scared to be left alone. So, the day he was discharged I need to learned how to fed him through feeding tube because he can't move his jaw so only paste like food is allowed to be fed but he doesn't ready for his food yet. I fed him 3 times a day, gently message his whole body so the he could feel better because he always have to wear his cone for the whole day other than feeding time. He is such a good boy, every time I pumped instant food through his feeding tube he will curled into a ball and lay on my lap for me to do my job. Then he started to bagged for his favorite wet food, so I blended all of them and try to feed him. I even went to market to bought some fresh chicken and salmon for him because these two is his favorite food. I blend the cooked chicken and salmon into paste and he seems to like it. But one day he started to sneeze and having watery nose, so I quickly bring him to the vet. The vet told me that he is catching a cold so they will put him on some antibiotics and some meds. After that he became "rascal" again, playing hide and seek with us, screaming for food again and again, having the whole couch. Then on 31/10/2020 he started to feel sick again, having runny nose and have a mild fever. I rushed to the vet and the vet said he is having fever, they gave him more meds. I was worried that he was having a lung infection because during that accident there is fluid inside his lung. But the doctor said there is nothing to worried about. The next morning 1/11/2020, he start to breath heavily, he refuse to eat even when I pumped the food through his feeding tube he will vomit out. So, I taught that maybe the fluid in his nose cause him to be like this. I look into his eyes and found out that his right eyes was back to normal !!! His pupil works just fine like the other eyes !!! I was so happy and so do my family member. We were excited for his recovery. On the same day, after I took my dog for an evening walk I found him laying inside his box just like he was sleeping except that he is not breathing, no response when I called him. At that moment I was shocked for a few minutes and so do my family member and I know that I lost him forever. I couldn't accept that this happens so quickly, I even make an appointment on 8/11/2020 with the doctor to bring Rascal to the vet to have his stitches out from his left jaw. He was buried somewhere near my house. Till now, every morning when I open my window I will look at the place where he was buried and say "Good Morning Rascal!" then I cried. When I look around the house I miss him. He was just about to turn into 6 months old and he left....... From these two experience I felt that I don't qualify to have a cat anymore. I used to love animal very much, I'll follow all the animal society webpage through my social media and learn how to take good care of animal from their post. But now I don't even dare to login to my social media account because whenever I see those animal picture especially cats I will think about Rascal.
  2. In December of 2021, after 7 years of living without a kitty, I decided to adopt a senior cat to come and live with me and my senior pup (12 year old chiweenie). About a week in to kitty being here, I noticed she was having potty issues. I took her to a vet who did some blood work to rule out thyroid and kidney issues (she has none) and gave me a low dose of lactulose to give her and sent us on our way. At this point I did not know about mixing it in with wet food and was trying to get it down her throat manually. This started a bit of mistrust between kitty and I when we should have been bonding. That dosage didn't wind up helping anyway and we wound up at an emergency clinic 5 days later because she was so constipated and had only been dropping tiny nuggets. They wound up sending us home because she was stable as opposed to the other pets there (totally understandable!). So I made an appointment at my dog's vet the next day (thankful for vets open on Sundays!) and kitty got a much needed enema, a new meds structure (where I put the lactulose in her food 3x a day, give her cisapride in the morning), and a surgical consult referral (vet felt a stricture in her rectum). Well, new meds structure doesn't really work for me (3x a day super stinky food with a food motivated dog at home gave me massive anxiety) or her (did not help move the poo out very well) and a week later she is back in for another enema. We adjust med structure again to fit my schedule and help her and wait until surgical consult day. Surgical consult day arrives 2 weeks later, we go, and the specialist says she feels no stricture and that the cat has idiopathic megacolon. She adjusts the med structure again so I don't need to use the sticky lactulose (we are now on Miralax) and sends us on our way. At least we don't need surgery! Yet. This all happens in a span of 30 days. I continue with most updated meds structure and over the next two weeks take notice of what's happening with her. At the same time during these two weeks, I notice my dog starting demonstrating some odd behaviors for him. I find out last week that he is diabetic is now going to have to take insulin injections 2x a day for the rest of his life. And, I had called the vet about kitty not pooping like she should be (it was a mega poo every 4 days at that point with several small/medium turds daily in between) so we adjust her meds again and in one day she has now started literally oozing/leaking poop all over my house (they are mostly formed, but very soft and gross). She now also has an appointment this week to get an ultrasound so we can see what's actually going on in there. I am so frickin' stressed about what to do with this cat. She is so adorable and sweet and loving, but I cannot handle the poop everywhere and the cost is WAY more than I had even imagined for a new pet who wasn't flagged with any issues at the shelter. I'm stressing about whether I can handle all of this or should I rehome her? And now my sweet little boy has diabetes and he's not feeling well as we wait for the insulin to arrive so we can start that process of getting his dosage correct. I've started pre-grieving and it's just so much in such a short period of time...and this is just the pet related situation on top of other things going on in life (new boss, sister leaving alcoholic partner, aging mother, my own health...). I am crying nearly daily from guilt about maybe letting the cat go, guilt about wanting to kind of keep her because she is very sweet, guilt about not wanting to be this deep into caregiving for an animal I just met, fear about not being able to take care of my pup in his time of need, fear something will happen to me from the stress of trying to manage this all. (Side note, I am going to therapy once a week right now to help me cope and manage some of this, just wanted a specific support group to hear from others about ideas or thoughts on what to do.) Many thanks in advance.
  3. My 12 yr old cat Snuggy fell down the stairs yesterday, did not survive. I don't know what caused him to fall, stroke or heart attack or what. I am devastated and heartbroken. He was my cuddle cat, who would sleep next to me. He always wanted to be near me, whether I am sitting in a chair reading in my bedroom, he would lie on the bed. I do have other 5 cats, each one is special. I miss him so much. This is not the first loss , I've lost 11 cats besides Snuggy and 4 dogs. It does not get easier. I've had him since he was a kitten, when my late son gave him to me on Mother's day in 2008. Bad enough my son is gone (2014) but to lose the furbaby he gave me really hurts.
  4. I have just learned my first cat and my heart has terminal cancer. We don’t know what type yet but based on how many places the masses are located it is something aggressive. We have been treating him for bladder cancer and this finding was totally unexpected. I was so hopeful we had much more time but it may not be only weeks. I am devastated and inconsolable. Eating is so hard. I just lost our other cat in August unexpectedly. We had to make a decision at the ER vet on the spot. I have just been reeling from his loss. His name was Tanner. My remaining cat is named Junebug . We so so bonded and I cannot imagine life without him. Finding people who get it has been very helpful. Thanks for listening.
  5. Today was rough in a different way. My husband and I spent the day out and it was a good distraction. I got waves of sadness here and there. But now I'm home and the day is winding down and suddenly there's that tightness in my chest, and I remember that my baby boy isn't here anymore. My favorite part of coming home was kissing Westley's forehead, picking him up and carrying him around for a couple minutes. He always nuzzled my face and neck when I picked him up, and never fussed when I'd carry him around the apartment, just because. I really want to hold him, have him sit in my lap for the last hours of the day like he used to. I want to feel his warmth. I want to be annoyed when yells at me for food when his bowl is full. I hate walking into our bedroom. Westley spent most of his time in there, either in his bed or on my office chair. Occasionally he'd join me in the living room, and every single night when my husband and I got into bed, Westley would join us for our cuddle pile. Cuddle pile was my favorite thing in the world, the best part of the day. I miss it. This still doesn't really feel real. I know it happened but I feel like my brain is resisting this new reality. That's why it sucks so much to look at where his bed used to be, or to look at my office chair, and to not see Westley there snoozing. It doesn't look right. It doesn't feel right. So I just avoid it. My office is set up right next to where Westley's bed was. I'm going to move everything out into the living room. I'm getting a new office chair, because mine is very overused, but also it was Westley's chair and I can't handle looking at it without him in it. During my workday, he would watch me and wait for me to get up and walk away from my chair so he could sit in it. He did that up until his very last day. Sometimes he'd settle for sitting behind me on the chair. It wasn't very comfortable but I was happy to share the seat with him. I go back to work on Tuesday. I'm not ready for a workday without my cat on my chair, or sleeping in his bed behind me. But I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
  6. (I wrote this a couple days ago, and logged in last night and thought I had updated it, but apparently it did not stick. Callie made a major turn around on Saturday Friday evening and after discussing with out vet, we have decided to wait and see if she continues to hold. I am still anxious about it all. But she is still with us for now. Thank you everyone for your well wishes and thoughts. I will be back for certain when the time comes that we do have to put Callie to rest. I am trying to be realistic, and yet also hopeful.) I am just beginning the grief process at the loss of my wonderful companion of six years, Callie. I have an appointment tomorrow at 11 AM at my veterinary clinic to have her put to rest. We had hoped to do an in-home euthanasia but due to how busy they are and the timing, it’s just not going to be possible logistically. I’m already beside myself with grief. I think already of all the wonderful memories of her life well lived in our time together and worry terribly how empty my home is going to feel without her. She has been dealing with chronic kidney disease for five years and we knew this day would come. However, two weeks ago we had an appointment for her and all of her lab results were actually excellent. Two days later she started a urinary tract infection and we have been fighting it ever since with antibiotics. This time was different as there were two different types of bacteria So we had to do two different anabiotic’s, one which was in pill form. She has always loved the idea of being killed. So that was a rough week for the anabiotic. The antibiotics killed all the good bacteria in her gut and she has not eaten in about nine days. She has been off the anabiotic for three days and her appetite has not returned. She is not in physical discomfort that we can tell, but she is very very anxious and constantly wanting food even though no matter what I give her whether it was her prescription food or human food she won’t eat very much of it. She is getting slower and slower and more anxious. We believe that since she has not had any real nutrition for about 10 days that her liver is now giving up. I know that is probably more detail than anyone really ever wanted, but I felt like I needed to get it out. With other situations in my life and the craziness of the pandemic, the timing of this just really sucks so horribly. Not that there would ever be a good time. My mother went home to be with Christ a year ago unexpectedly and I am just now starting to feel like I’m climbing out of the hole from that grief. I’m just worried what this all looks like. The thought of coming home to an empty house full of memories of Callie is really hard to get my mind around thanks for listening.
  7. I don't know if anyone will still read this. It is quite long.. but I can only wish someone would try to help me. I'm grief stricken with guilt over a stray outdoor cat. He was recently euthanized in a shelter a week ago. I've been caring for him the last year and a half. He was left by his feral mom when he was little in our property. Since we already had 2 cats indoor, my hubby didn't want anymore addition so I just fed him from our deck. There he stays and after eating would just lie down on the chair next to our sliding door. At night he comes back to sleep on the same chair. Our cats know him and he's been friendly towards them. They even sleep next to each other by the glass door. Eventually, I am able to pet him and he kneads and purrs a lot too. I named him Tabby. He sometimes wanted to come in but because he hasn't been fixed and vaccinated, I couldn't let him in yet. 
 I did try to capture him in the hopes that someone else can adopt him but he's smart and when he sense it, he would just run away. I did call the animal shelter if they can put him up for adoption but told me they were full. I still planned to catch him whatever it takes because it had been very cold outside. A couple of months ago, he didn't come at all. I blame it on another male territorial feral who's been chasing him away. I still wait for him every night in case he did come back. I somehow felt he would starve because he doesn't seem to know how to catch anything and he's used to being fed by me.
 I was wishing that maybe someone had adopted him. A week ago, I saw him again, walking slowly and being cautious towards our door. As soon as he saw me, he came straight away, and was wagging his tail! But I was shocked to see him limping and what seems to be a broken hind leg. He had a wound and seemed swollen. I immediately petted him, he purred again and then I gave him food. He ate a lot and seemed to be very hungry. Again, I wanted to catch him and get some help. I observed him for a couple of days and made some call to the animal shelter. They have been assisting me with the TNR of a cat colony i'm taking care of. Maybe they can also help me with him. He was able to walk still but not using one of his hind leg anymore. He was still able to jump up our deck to eat. Then come down again to go relieve himself, then inside the cat box I made for them for winter and harsh weather. He would just stay in there until the next feeding time or when he needed to go. The animal shelter agreed to take him in since he's injured but informed me that if he was deemed un-adoptable, that there is a greater chance he would be put to sleep. I thought if they get to know him and give him a chance, he should be ok since I can pet him and he still purrs despite his injury. On the third day, I was able to coax him in the cat trap. It didn’t have to be triggered, I just slowly moved his cat food further inside and he went in on his own while nibbling. He wasn’t agitated but was meowing wondering why he’s in there after I closed the latch. I placed a cloth over it so he’d be calm. This is where I noticed more of his injury, and it looked like a puncture wound. The person from the shelter came and took him away. Since there is a COVID-19 restriction, I am not able to see him after that. He did say that their vet will be able to look at him in a couple of days. I was worried for him though because his injury may get worse from the transportation to the shelter. I was told that he was very shaken upon arriving and he didn’t let anyone touch him. The next day though he was calm and was inside his box. The following day that he went to the vet, I got a voicemail saying that he has a dislocated hip, broken leg (not even sure if this was just from observation or x-ray as the rep who took him said they may not do an x-ray on him but just observe) and that he would be needing massive dose of antibiotics. Also a leg amputation which mean he will not be allowed to go back outside. He will need to be quarantined as he had a bite of unknown origin. They're guessing a bigger animal that bit his leg and dragged him around. They asked if I wanted him back but that it is going to be a rather expensive vet bills. And that he will have to be indoors all the time. Their vet recommended he’d be humanely euthanized because they deemed him un-adoptable as they can’t handle him. I’m sure he was so scared of this unfamiliar territory and new people. I wished they have given him a bit more time to get accustomed to them. He was already sedated when they called and wanted to know what our decision were soon. If we agree to have him euthanized instead, they will not wake him up anymore and go on with it straight up. I don't know if they even did any x-rays of him. As far as I was told, they would just do some observation. I was desperate and confused, I don’t really know what to do.. so I had my husband speak to them instead. I couldn’t bear the thought of him being put down so I had him call. He asked if he was to go on surgery and live, will he still have a good quality life? They said since he’s an outdoor cat, he may not like to be indoors and also because of his condition, the infection seemed to spread to some other parts of his body. And from how bad it sounded, and a rushed decision, we’ve reluctantly agreed to euthanasia. They said we did the right thing, but i'm still second guessing. I cried for the next few days. And felt so guilty and depressed. He came back knowing I’m his shelter, that he’s safe with me. Knowing I will be there for him and take care of him. That I’m his refuge. He jumped up the deck even though it was hard for him. He can take it. He was a survivor and a will to live. He was always happy to see me… I should’ve been the one who gave him the chance.. I should’ve given him a few more days for him to get accustomed to the new environment. He would’ve loved to be indoors, as he always came inside a few inches from the door. I would know.. He was still ok, it would’ve been better for him. I felt that when he was at the vet shelter, he wanted to escape because it was an unknown territory, another traumatic event for him. That's why he wasn’t calm with other people. I wonder if he struggled too much and so they deemed him un-adoptable. It’s hard for me because my husband was not 100% on board initially. He thinks I’m humanizing the cat too much. And he doesn’t feel I should take care of him because we already have two cats. I didn’t fight for him and I regret it so much. My husband did regret it later on but was too late. I wish Tabby could forgive me. I know I can’t turn back time anymore.. This feeling really sucks. I’m in so much grief. I wish I had more resources and took the time to get more informed of his situation. I browsed online and found that there were similar incidents as him, if not worse, and they turned out ok after being taken care of. And there would be other shelters that would take in injured cats. I’m regretting that I should have fought for extra testing to make sure I was doing the right thing. I feel so rushed and so confused. I really didn’t want him euthanized, I just wanted to get help for him. We should’ve just taken him back. He trusted me. We had a bond..
  8. My baby boy, Watermelon, was 4 yearsold when he passed away. It was just few days ago and I’m still in so much pain and covered with guilt. I’m in Australia and my baby boy was in Vietnam with my parents. Due to covid-19 I couldn’t fly back to be with him during the whole time he was hospitalized. He had been diagnosed with intestinal tumor and the Vets did exploratory surgery and removed 55 cm of his intestine. The vets said he was in danger and complications could happen anytime. He was on IV fluids for 15 days, no eating and drinking because the Vets was afraid his intestine had not been healed. I was very skeptical about that and seeing him looking for food after the surgery hurted me so much. He got better when the Vets started feeding him a bit of nutritional gel and meat soup even though it was just a bit. 5 days later he had to go through second surgery due to a hole in tummy muscle which I’m sure that it was the Vets’ fault. He recovered well after the second one as well. They started feeding him more but still not enough for my baby as I could see he was still hungry. They took IV fluids off him for 2 days but still maintain the level of food that they were feeding while he was on IV fluids. He collapsed 1 day after off IV fluids. He was legarthy not interested in eating anymore. They did ultrasound and found that he had pancreatitis and really low in blood (He was low in blood after the first surgery and they had given him iron everyday) They did IV fluids for him but it was too late. I still remember the day they started again IV fluids he couldnt move only screamed and he kept drooling. But he still recognized my parents when they touched him he stopped screaming but screamed again when the Vets touched him. The next morning he was totally unconciousness only could blink eyes when I called his name. He passed away in the afternoon in an oxygen cage after a trembling and seizure. I feel so guilty because I couldn’t do anything for him when I was so far away. I insisted the vets to feed him earlier but they refused. I insisted my parents to move him to other hospital or to bring him home and feed him otherwise he would starve to death but my parents didnt want to do that. My parents love him and visited him twice a day every day. Everytime they video called me. But they were too stubborn and blindly trusted the vets. I’m obsessed about the way he died, in pain. I’m obsessed and feel so much guilt thinking about how traumatized he was in the hospital with all the vets. They kept injecting him and operated him. He must be in so much pain. If only I had known that he couldnt make it I would insist my parents to bring him home and took care of him until his last breath. At least he was at home comfortable. Now I keep thinking about how miserable he was during his last 28 days on earth. He must feel we abandoned him in the hospital with all evil vets make him pain and he could never go home anymore. That thoughts haunt me everyday and ruin my sleep. I feel devastated and in so much pain. Please tell me he was not in pain. Please tell me he didnt feel we abandon him. My parents visited him everyday and he seemed not angry at them everytime they came he stood up waiting for them and purring and coming to my mom’s legs for cuddle. But i still feel so bad thinking about how hard and how pain he had to go through and still couldnt make it. I dont know how I could get over this guilt. I’m so devastated couldnt eat anything and I’m pregnant now 😞. I’m so sad
  9. Hi all, I lost my beloved calico on Mon evening and I am devastated. I know folks here will truly appreciate the shock, immense grief, sadness, and loneliness that comes from losing a furry baby. Savannah J was my child and my chosen family as I don't have a child or significant other. Her absence is so, so painful. She picked me 13 years ago from a shelter and it truly seemed like the universe brought us together. 13 years of habits & cohabitation are gone. She will no longer share a pillow with me, meow and head-butt me to in a genuine effort to help me wake up each morning, she'll no long chat away like only a calico does, and she's no longer here to love on and take care of. My heart is broken. She was diagnosed 1 year ago with stage 1 kidney disease and I thought management of it was going well with special food, meds, and periodic blood work. Sadly, this was not the case. I was gone all last week to pack up my apt back home as I'm temporarily staying with family in another state due to COVID. My family cared for her that week and they reported she ate, used the potty, and took her meds daily. However, when I returned back on Sat afternoon, I thought she looked off. Her eyes looked tired and she just looked old. I told myself that I was overreacting and she was her normal sassy self. However, as the weekend passed she ate less and by Monday, I was quite concerned. She had begun almost swaying as her back legs seemed weak and she drank more water than she ate. I took her into an emergency vet Mon around 5:30pm and it was an awful experience. I was there 4.5-5 hours. The first 2.5-3 of which she was alone as I was not allowed in due to COVID restrictions. Only after I sobbed on the phone w/ staff as the discussion of euthanasia came up was I allowed in. The staff had poor bedside manner which made an already traumatizing experience worse. After speaking w/ vet & reviewing the blood panel results & how she presented, spending time alone with my girl, and asking for guidance, I ultimately decided to have her put down. She was 15 years old and it seemed the humane decision to make to prevent any suffering or pain. My girl screamed from the back of the clinic while they tried to get a catheter into her for what seemed like an ungodly amount of time and I sat alone in the room crying, feeling incredibly guilty and scared. I wished I was back home at our normal vet whom I trust 100% and has treated her for years. Ultimately, I had my arms wrapped around her while she left this earth which I'm eternally grateful for. I am gutted. My child is gone and while I am getting through the days, the pain is so intense. Without my soul kitty the world seem so lonely and harsh without her. Thank you for listening and understanding. Wishing everyone peace and blessings. Erin
  10. My boyfriend and I have a beautiful ragdoll cat I call Bunny. We played with him as much as we could, but we both work and wanted to get him a little companion for the day time. 4 months ago, I came home with a tinny little fluffy ragdoll. His personally was unlike any pet I’d ever had. He was the most loving, innocent, playful and fearless little guy. I ended up getting so attached to him that I called him my baby. The cats got a long well and played together a lot. Because we were all isolated together, all I did was play, pet and enjoy their company. The little guy (who I called mouse) would wake me up with Purrs every morning and often cuddle at my side. I showered them with love and toys. The little one was so attached to me, he really had a special place in my heart. I took him to the vet because he had ring worm, and while there, the vet said it wasn’t a good idea to let him out on the balcony. I was redoing my balcony and spent all my time out there. Both of the cats were desperate to get out. I felt so bad to hear them cry. I knew if I watched them, they would be okay. So for months we all played out on the balcony. I watched them and everyone seemed safe. It was my biggest nightmare to think one of them would jump - and I imagined it sometimes which would often bring me horror. But while they explored, and got up on the table, they never tried to jump. They only wanted to play or sit in the sun. Then 4 days ago, I looked down for one minute. I heard a noise. My little mouse had lept onto the table and jumped. I ran to the edge. I watched him fall all 40 flights down. I’ve never screamed like that. I’ve never felt like that. I don’t know what he saw, or what he was thinking when he fell. I don’t know how scared he was or if he was wondering where I was. He broke his neck right away at the bottom of the fall. I don’t know or can’t say how much he suffered but it haunts me. I loved him like a little child. Someone from another building had called the police after hearing my screams and they came up to my unit wanting to call emergency because of my grief. I was holding his little body. He truly was the most beautiful cat, inside and out. He was 5 months old, and I remember thinking earlier that day, I couldn’t wait to see what he would look like when he was older. I am sorry for the long post. It’s been 5 days and I can’t really eat. I was prescribed pills to sleep and for the panic attacks. But every day I watch him fall, over and over in my head. I truly cannot come to terms with it. I blame myself of course. I knew not to let them out - I didn’t think it would actually happen. But I know it’s my fault. I am just so devastated I wasn’t careful enough with something I loved so so much. I used to love my balcony and now I see it as a horror scene. I miss my baby and I just want him back.
  11. A rose is a rose is a rose. Accidents are accidents are accidents. I understand this all too well, but it doesn't make things any better. As pet owners, we all know that the absolute worst thing that could ever happen is accidentally killing our life companions. The blood on our hands, so to speak, doesn't wipe off easily if at all. Our minds go on a loop of could have, would have and should haves. The days that follow feel so cold with their absence, and knowing their abrupt demise was on your watch makes the atmosphere even colder. They did not deserve such an awful end, we tell ourselves. They really don't. No one does. But, it happens. This is my story. My daughter's nanny found an abandoned kitten a street or two away and brought it back to our doorstep. I jolted out of my nap when my husband told me that there was a kitten outside. She looked around two months old. We took her in and loved her as our own. Morrigan filled a certain space in our lives that made us feel complete. My husband, the dog person, even fell in love with her. Most of all, finally having a cat again made me so happy. That was until one unfortunate Monday morning, almost two months later. I woke up to find Morrigan playfully biting my sleeping husband who was annoyed by the habit, and then moving on to my sleeping toddler's foot. She was in that painful biting phase and we were trying to discipline her. My lack of a morning person made me pick up the kitten and put her in a box. I thought I would leave her there for a very brief moment as I went to drink a glass of cold water and then go back to her immediately. But, when I did, I spaced out and forgot about my poor little kitty. It wasn't until 30-45 minutes later when I went to fill her food bowl did I realize that I left her in the box. I panicked and ran to get her out of the unventilated box only to find out I was too late. Her body was still warm but she hung lifelessly on my hands. I tried administering CPR but my efforts were futile as her brain would have already collapsed by the lack of oxygen. The nanny found me by the bathroom crying and screaming. My husband, who was awakened by my relentless bawling, came to comfort me and was also struck with grief. I held her to my chest the whole time. I'm one of those pet owners who treat their pets as if they were their children. Morrigan was more than a family pet. She was my baby. And, I killed my baby. When I finally gathered myself, I put together her belongings in a pretty shoebox where I also laid her to rest, all swaddled and snug in one of my baby's gauze cloths. We held a small funeral as we burried her by the tree in our secret garden, where I used to take her so she can graze on the vegetation. I moved all of her photos and videos from our phones to a zip folder in my computer. I rearranged the space where her feeding station used to be. I wasn't getting rid of her, but I knew what I had to do to make moving on easier. On our first night without Morrigan, I had a dream about her. It was one of those ethereal-esque dreams you have when someone close to you dies. I woke up with tears of joy. That sense of relief didn't last long. Guilt, as we all know it, is a very powerful affliction. I was back in that cold place again. The tragic scenario played over and over in my head. I tried to go on with my day as usual, but I was dying inside. I didn't want to talk about it, thinking that dwelling upon it might make moving on harder. I feared that in a heated discussion of our grief, I would be blamed for her death, which I knew I deserved but couldn't bear to hear. So, I kept it all inside. But, silence reaches a point where it becomes deafening. I was furious. I have been through a lot (a rich backstory that I won't discuss), but this by far is the worst thing that has ever happened to me... because this time, I brought it on to myself. Everything was just right. I had a beautiful family and she completed the picture. Above everything else, she filled a hole in my heart that I didn't even know was there (or refused to acknowledge). There was something about having a cat that made me whole. After another restless night of tossing and turning, I got up and googled: "I accidentally killed my cat and I feel devastated and I don't know what to do." That's how I got here. Somehow, being able to write it down helped, but I know dark clouds may hover again some time soon. So, I'm taking it one day at a time. To my daughter: I'm sorry that your best-kitty-friend, "Monggan" is not around to play with you anymore. To my husband: I'm sorry. I know how much you loved her and I know you are just as heartbroken. Thank you for being my rock. And, to my sweet, little Morrigan: I could never apologize enough. You were gone too soon, and I'm so sorry it had to happen that way. I will miss having you perch on my shoulder as I do things. I will miss the funny way you look when you're pooping. I will miss how you follow us to the bathroom. I will miss separating the bigger pieces of your dry food from the small fish-shaped pieces and soaking them in water/milk so you can eat them easily. I will miss refilling your water bowl with clean tap water every couple of hours. I will miss fish day. I will miss watching you and my little girl, playing. I will miss giving you nice, warm baths and swaddling you after because you start shivering. I will miss how my husband tells you you look ugly and funny when you're wet from your bath. I will miss brushing your fur with a soft toothbrush. I will miss that one claw nail that was injured (pre-adoption) which took longer to grow than the rest. I will miss how you come running straight towards me when I call you. I will miss your baby kitty smell. I will miss your smooth, round belly. I will miss how you playfully bite my nose/chin and lick it immediately after. I will miss how you cuddle up with my hubby when he's sleeping. I will miss how you beg for food when we're eating, and how we pick you up and put you down when you get too close to the food. I will miss how my hubby falls for your cutie-patootie tactics and give you a sliver of chicken anyway. I will miss waking up and finding you somehow snuggled in between me and my hubby's embrace. I will miss everything about you. Mommy loves you so much. You were family and more. You made us very happy and we miss you dearly. You will always be in our hearts. ?
  12. For nearly 8 months I have felt nothing but guilt over my cat’s Buttercup, death. I didn’t cause his death but in my sadness over potentially losing him I had only prolonged it. My first mistake was not giving him put down when the vets told me to. My entire family left the decision up to me and I know it should be but I just could not handle it. My second mistake was at the time I was pet sitting and didn’t take the opportunity to spend more time with him. The family offered to get someone else but I refused so I only got a few hours a day with him. My final mistake was on his final night I just went to bed instead of been by his side. He died alone, in pain and in the dark all because I couldn’t stay by his side and help him rest. In the days that followed I thought about suicide twice and only didn’t because I was afraid I would die slowly from the wound. To this day, almost every night or time that I am able to just think I get flashbacks to the week he died and Barely am able to hold back the tears
  13. Last November my cat Dixie broke her right hind leg, I took her to the vet and they took xrays and put a splint on. Shes 20 yrs old and they explained it may or may not heal. On next visit 2 weeks later her leg was showing signs of healing so they put a new splint on and I returned 5 weeks later and they removed the splint and took xrays and the vet said she was healing fine. The vet said she was going to see how she would do without a splint but I was worried her leg may still be fragile so she put a soft splint on. This was on Monday Jan. 13th. the following day she lost her appetite and she regained it somewhat the following day which was Wednesday. Thursday she had lost it again and going into Friday. I had noticed when I would pick her up and sit her back down she would sometimes fall over but get back up after a few seconds. I bought her some cat food Friday that seemed more flavorful hoping she would eat it but she wouldn't touch it. I then decided to remove the soft splint late last Friday afternoon. It was just a matter of carefully removing the tape then unwrapping, I thought maybe it was bothering her and what harm can it do removing it since the vet was going to have her not wear one anyways. When I was about halfway through removing it, Dixie started panting. I hurried and unwrapped that layer so she wouldn't trip and tangle on it when I put her down. She walked a lil ways and appeared to be convulsing then fell over and was struggling to breathe it appeared. I was crying telling her I loved her and I was sorry and only trying to help you. She passed about a minute later. I was heartbroken, felt lost and full of guilt that I caused her to pass. The vet had told me she had a heart murmer and her kidneys were hard. She had been drinking a lot of water and urinating a lot. I just hope I didnt stress her taking her splint off and cause her to possibly have cardiac arrest. And I felt awful thinking she may have thought I was being mean to her taking her splint off cause I had to take the tape off carefully cause it was of course pulling her fur. She reached her paw out to me moments before she passed and I held it. Im hoping in her last moments she understood I was only trying to help her. I miss her dearly and wish I had never ask the vet to put that last splint on. I realize her health was likely failing, she hadn't been grooming and her sudden loss of appetite and telltale signs of heart disease. Im trying to find some closure. She was also my late gf's cat. Joanie my late gf passed in December of 2010 and when Dixie was the last of her cats, I became so protective of her as I felt she was my last connection to her.
  14. Yesterday I lost my best friend. It was so sudden and unexpected, I can't stop crying, I miss him so much. I know most people think about cats as being aloof and such, but he was so loving and affectionate to me. We really had a special relationship, we were like two peas in a pod. When I'd walk around the house, he would always follow me, almost every night he would sleep on my bed. He was a massive part of my life, half of the time I live alone so he was my company and when he was around I never felt lonely. I used to love coming home, knowing that I'd get to see him and cuddle him and that he would be there waiting for me. I'd never thought he would die so soon. We live on a main road, so when we first got him and his sister we would worry about them getting run over, but after a year or so had passed, we didn't feel the need to concern ourselves as we have a big field behind our garden which they often roamed in. When he turned 7 he and his sister would often stay in more, as he got older the family could all see he was getting more affectionate. I knew it had to come someday, but I just believed that it wouldn't be for another 10 years. So when I found out he'd been knocked over yesterday morning I just couldn't get my head around it. I feel like he has been snatched from me. I am just grateful that we found out and were allowed to give him a burial and a final goodbye, it was closure even if it was so sudden. We have to thank Helena for that who works for a cat society, if it wasn't for her unselfishness and kindness (she drove all the way down from Bury), we might of not had even known and he would of just been trown away, it's people like that who I wish the best of God's luck. Looking at the grave I buried him in, I'm finding it hard to turn away, I know it's silly, but I feel like I'm abandoning him. His sister Marie, is acting a little strange, she is affectionate, but she isn't eating as much as normal, I wonder if she is aware of the situation, after all they grew up with each other and she would always clean him. I'd thought I'd post this here as some people my not understand how much my Claude meant to me, he was a close member of the family. I just hold onto the believe that he is at peace in a better place.
  15. 2 nights ago I killed my poor little kitty. We called her beans because friends of ours found her in a bean field behind their house. We think a guy they saw riding around on a 4 wheeler in the field saw the kids outside and dropped or threw her into the field, so the kids would here her cry, as they did, and bring her home, etc., as they did. Their mom called us because she knows I love kitties and I volunteer at a cat/sometimes dog rescue and there’s a likely chance that I would help. I had her bring her over, regardless of the 6 kittens + mom I was fostering and my 5 cats. She was such a tiny little girl, 4-6wks I thought, crappy way to start a life. My initial thoughts were to foster her. Get her fixed, her initial shots and put her up for adoption. I already have 2 black cats 🐱 but I ended up integrating her with my cats right away, they all just took well and after a few days I just treated her like mine. She was a playful, rambunctiousness little thing. Don’t open an outside door without looking. Or open a tuna treat, lol. Now I wish I’d put her with the other fosters, at least she still be with us. Tue when I got home little beans, I liked to call her beany beans sometimes, lol. Well she was limping and I didn’t know what caused it, but it didn’t seem broken, so I just worked from home wed too keep an eye on them all and make sure she was ok. She payed around all the night before and I wish I could say all day and night wed, but she seemed to be getting better around dinner time cause she was up and about a bit like normal when I fed them. After dinner I was doing chores. I’m ocd’ish so I was going from one thing to another, feeling good because with the depression I’d just recently been able to have initiative to that level, again, now I wish I hadn’t. I saw her go in 😩 she had once before and I took her out ASAP, but I thought it would be a cute pic first. I got on to the next thing and forgot to take the pic and about her. She was so tiny I closed the door and turned it on. I heard a noise like shoes and thought I only had a few shirts in to dewrinkle them, but I still didn’t think of her and blew it off 😭 normally I would not to that. I needed to feed the rescues so I went up and do that and spent a little extra time with them cause I thought they needed it, why did I choose that time/night 😝 I came down and it had been probably 20min and I opened the dryer, grabbed a few shirts and I noticed what I thought was melted chocolate all over it. I even asked my granddaughter who didn’t take chocolate out of their pocket. I went back to get out more and she must have been under those first ones, because that’s when I saw her. My beautiful tiny baby laying in her back with her tongue hanging out and eyes frozen open. I started crying no no no beans no!! I grabbed her and ran outside to get away from the kids and hoping cool night air would cool her down, because she was so hot!! A bigger cat may have not been but she was no more than 4 lbs. she was so hot! I laid her down and cried over her massaging her chest and asking her and god to not let her be dead. I sat ther for at least 10-15min crying and begging. My daughter came out and laid a blanket next to her and I didn’t want to let her go. I knew she wouldn’t be back and it hurt, still hurts so bad. It was my fault, God’s fault because he didn’t stop it. She was just a baby!! I didn’t get it and I still don’t, but I’m not angry at god anymore. We have a very nice pet cemetery and crematorium here, I took her there the next day, but I had to keep her in my freezer till then 😩 my granddaughter who’s 7 was terribly upset, she doesn’t know how she died, took off school and came with me. She spotted the perfect small, skinny standing black rn that fits her perfectly. They called today and she is ready to come home, but I can’t afford to pick her up until fri. I don’t know that I could bare to look at her yet without crying. I can’t spend more than a few minutes in the kitchen still, where it happened. I can’t leave open the doors to the laundry, but mostly I can’t bring myself to run the dryer. I sprayed and cleaned what turned out to be poop that night. I’m hoping that mean it quickly broke her and she lost her bowels before she suffered more. But i read on this site that I should run it with rags towels and dryer sheets first and I can’t do it. I don’t want to hear it running. The first time I do and it’s something heavy that thumps. I think I’ll freak. I keep seeing her little body laying there and then her face in death and it makes me cry, it hurts physically. I killed this little baby that I/we lived. No not on purpose, but if not for my actions she’d still be here. That’s very hard to take. My cats, all who are mostly 1 & 2 years old, are not handling it well either. They’re sleeping or laying about and a few more needing than usual. I have to say as much as everyone says not too, there were 4 little rescues, 12 weeks, upstairs, one of which I was thinking of keeping but I caouldnt keep him and beans. So he’s down her with us now. He’s helped, quite a bit actually. He’s rambunctious, but no black at all, he a beautiful orange tabby. The other cats are ranging from ignoring him, starting to pay attention and starting to get interested. It’s time to move on and I just don’t know how, I just want her back 😢 minor update. I went to church today before I posted this. At the end the pastor called on everyone to pray for a man diagnosed with cancer, but that he knew many others were working things and painful things and called on people to those of us that raised our hands to show we were struggling , hurting. 4 people and the whole church, prayed for us. I cried through it, but I will say by the end of it I felt a calm come over me about this. I still miss her and if I think too much or talk to someone about it/her, I see her kittle face and cry, but I don’t lose it and I’m calmer. I was able to do my laundry tonight. I think I have minor ptsd in that even though I watched my dryer the whole time, I still pulled everything partially out to make sure. Checked where my cats and kitten was, finally started it and stood there to make sure nothing banged. I don’t know how long till this gets better, 2 years ago I reacted the same to losing a kitty to a car, I’m pretty sure she’s was running across to home because she heard me calling her. Fortunately it was quick, broke her neck with little damage this hit me tonight, now my beans, it just hard, painful, but I believe I’ll get through it now, I didn’t feel that way before church. I’m rambling, thanks everyone for your stories, those help also, I’m not the only one 😢
  16. My cat left this world march 1st, 2017, he had a sudden heart attack. He was a very lovable cat, and I miss him dearly. My dad made the cross and nailed it together, I wrote the poem. And drew the picture.
  17. It's been a week since I received the horrible phone call that my baby passed away at the Vet's. His name was Nathaniel. I loved him so much. We shared a special bond that I'm not sure that I will ever share with another being. Nathaniel, was almost 17 years old. I got him as a kitten. He's been through so much with me. My first house, my divorce, different moves while I figured out my life, my new relationship and he came to love my new husband. He was a constant. He was someone who never let me down. Recently he was starting to show the signs of aging. But whenever he would seem sick, he would bounce back. I had him on a special diet for his kidneys and he took medicine twice a day for his thyroid. The past couple of years he had some chronic constipation issues. I did my best to stay on top of it. If I noticed he was struggling, I had medicine on hand to deal with it. If I didn't notice quick enough I would have to bring him to the vet and they would hydrate him and give him an enema which I am sure was not pleasant for him. One of my other cats started going in his litter box, making it difficult to detect, also more life responsibilities made it harder to stay on top of it. It just got to be a very busy time and I hate myself for not noticing his pains sooner. One night I was up late working and he came and sat beside me gave me his snuggles and love. Then suddenly he was acting strange. I could tell something was wrong. I thought it was the same issue. I gave him his medicine and thought, if he was still acting strange in the morning, I would bring him to the vet first thing. He seemed ok the next morning. So I went on with my day and never looked back until now. I'm in the process of buying a house, so that weekend got busy and I wasn't home too much. Then Monday and Tuesday I had some commitments at night. But that Tuesday night he slept with me in my bed and we snuggled almost the whole night. I woke up at about 4 or 5 am to him peeing in our bedroom (which he never does). I sat with him for a bit and he seemed ok for a bit. So I went back to bed. That morning he was running back and forth to the litter box, so I took him to the vet. They told me it was the same chronic issue we were used to dealing with, but he needed an enema. Later that day they called me and said he was a great patient and that he was doing ok and that they did his blood work and that I was doing a good job with the food and the medicine and was controlling his health issues. They wanted to keep him for the night to keep him hydrated, but they thought he should be fine to go home the next day. I was relieved. I was feeling so guilty that I did not notice his pain quick enough and had to put him through that enema again. I really felt awful! I was beating myself up about it, so I was excited to get him back home to spoil him and give him all of the kisses. However a few hours later, I was on my way home from work, and my vet call and said Nathaniel was acting strange. He was also trying to hide. She checked his heart and apparently he had a heart murmur. I don't know much about heart murmurs, but she seemed very concerned and asked if he was acting lethargic. And I said, yes. I thought it was because he was old and on medicine etc. She said they do not have people at the vets over night to monitor the animals but if I wanted, I could move him to a facility that would monitor him through the night. But if he stayed she would start some tests on his heart first thing in the morning. If not, she recommended I have the new facility do this. I decided to not do move him because A. I didn't want to stress him out more and B. I felt comfortable with this vet and her plans for the morning. (I now don't think that was a good decision) I debated on stopping by the vet that night to see him. But I talked myself out of it because it would have been a lot of rushing around and my husband mentioned that he might be "out of it" anyways. So I didn't stop by. The next morning I got the call that he was not alive in the morning. My baby passed away at some point during the night at the vets. The amount of guilt I feel about this is inconsolable. I had him go through that enema which was uncomfortable so he was in pain his last day on earth. I didn't get to say good bye. My stupid life was too busy to stop by and visit him. My stupid life craziness was too busy to take him to the vet the week prior when he first show signs of something was wrong. And I knew he was old. I knew the day was coming but, I envisioned him in my arms or at my house or in some kind of setting where he knew he was surround by love. The fact that he passed away at the vet in a scary place saddens me. He deserved better! He at least deserved a last scratch behind the ears. Or lots of kisses and snuggles. I didn't get to give him any of those. I hope he knows that I was coming back for him and planning to love him and would never leave him at the vet's unless I had to for his well being. I hate that his last day was horrible for him. And it was all of my fault. I should have asked more questions about why he was lethargic and why he kept getting constipated. I should have pushed for more tests. Anyways I'm torn up about this. I keep thinking I can see him in the corning of my eye. I feel him walking on my bed at night. I'm not handling this well at all. I miss him so much. He was the sweetest cat I ever met. He would know when I was sad and snuggle with me. He was so forgiving if someone didn't realize he was there and would accidentally bump him. He was the best and this hole in my heart is aching like crazy. I'm going to be grieving the loss of this special soul for a very long time. Thank you for listening. I know this guilt isn't helping me. But I just can't get past it.
  18. Lena, my precious therapy cat, is going to be in a movie. One of the owners of a local pet store and animal rescue recommended her to a local film crew and they called me on the phone asking for Lena, who like any movie star does not answer the phone herself, but has her agent do it, and only get her on the phone if it is of interest to her. Interesting that the call came yesterday, as I was cleaning out the last things from my dad's house with the help of two good friends. One of them, Greg, is a movie cameraman who works as much as possible but it's somewhat intermittent. He got a call about a job in New Mexico about the same time. Totally unrelated, but interesting. So today, Lena had her audition for the movie, which she passed with flying colors, and meanwhile Greg is shooting in New Mexico. This is Lena's first paying gig. It's pretty cool...but I always knew she was a star =^. .^= Something to celebrate...
  19. Hi everyone, I was searching online to just see if anyone has experienced something similar to what I have just experienced and I have, thanks to this site, so it has been a little help thank you. Yesterday my beloved cat Orca, a beautiful, scatty and unique 1.5yr old Bengal died and it was all my fault. I feel sick to my stomach, and the pain is so bad. I was in total hysterics when I found her. She had climbed into the washer/dryer and completely unaware, I shut the door and turned it on for a 30 minute drying cycle. I heard absolutely nothing, no crying, no thudding, nothing. I can only think that she must have climbed in when I had gone to my bedroom to hang up some of the wet clothes. We have a washer dryer, so I opened it after the wash cycle, took out a few items that needed hanging as opposed to drying and made my way into the bedroom to hang them up. I then went back to the washer/dryer and closed the door and started the cycle. We have a front loading washer/dryer, so unless you bend down on your knees you can't see in. I wish, wish, wish I had checked. I wish that I had to add a couple more clothes to the machine, I can't stop thinking about it! At around her dinner time, I decided to feed her, I called and called for her but heard nothing. I took her food bag and shook it, that usually does the trick but nothing. I turned the apartment upside down and began to panic. I also went outside calling for her, as I thought she might have got out the window, but nothing. I then came back in and just said to myself "she must be somewhere, the little sneak". I didn't in a million years think she had got in the dryer. When I went to open the machine to take out my clothes, I could see her beautiful patterned fur amongst them all! I couldn't believe it, I pulled her out as fast as I could, and for the slightest of seconds I thought she might be OK, but she wasn't. I can't get that image of her out of my mind, it is going to haunt me forever. I had seen her moments before I went to take out some of the wet clothes, she was, like normal, on the spare bed, half asleep. I went in and gave her a stroke and a cuddle and then went about my day. I can't, can't can't believe this has happened. I am always so worried about her, when I catch her near a window, or chewing fairy lights, I was always running around making sure she was safe, and now this. My heart is broken. She was my best pal, she would greet me from work and wake me up with my 'cat alarm' at 6:30am. She helped me through my break up!! I just feel so so sad! Sorry for the rant, but I needed to say something :(((((((((
  20. She was my best friend, my companion and my constant for 7 years. From a kitten I bought her up, raised her and although she wasn't as affectionate as I'd have liked I loved her & she loved me. Our time together cut short on Thursday night, I knew something was wrong when she didn't come in, I called her & called her but nothing. At 5.30am still nothing so I got up looking for her outside, eventually confronted with a note on a tree stating a dark tabby had been found but not alive. I just knew. By midday I had her body and took to the vets for cremation. My grief is huge, the loss so painful, I'm 42, 43 tomorrow live alone, have lived alone for 13 years and she was my only daily companion. She was killed outside my home, on her way back in to me. I hate being at home, it's empty, it's the scene and constant reminder of what's happened, I just don't know how I'm going to ever recover. How will I ever get past this awful painful devastating time??
  21. I can only write a brief amount because the more I think of this, the more sick I feel. My girl Tessa (a blue bicolor Ragdoll cat- see my profile pic, that's her) died unexpectantly on Thanksgiving Day. She had just turned 10 years old the prior October 5th. We (she and I were inseparable-like twins, LOL!) had laid down for a nap on our bed (she had 1/2 of the King and I had the other 1/2)- I heard this awful gasp and I tore out of the side of my bed, and Tessa had arched her back and body out of her "doughnut" shaped bed onto the mattress. BY the time I made it around the bed, she was dead. I tried to do animal CPR but to no avail- I could tell she was gone. {I'll leave the story here) ... my stomach is knotting up and becoming nauseous when I stay on my story. Needless to say I'm like most of you too, missing her, wanting to join her (not suicidal, nope not me), trying to decrease my anxiety by avoiding some things (which I know I've got to stop doing), and probably talking way too much about her. Because I know most do not understand the depth of the love I have for my girl, Tessa. I wonder if I will ever love again like that...... I do hope so. I look as if I've aged 10 years in less than a month. It is taking a big toll on me and probably on my "skin" family- husband and son (Tessa was my "fur" family) My Tessa- Sweetest girl in the World
  22. Today I made the choice to put down my 12 year old cat Celsius. It's two days before the holidays and everything happened so suddenly. Celsius was bornwith one kidney and after many happy years sometime around thanksgiving showed mild kidney disease. The vet told me she should last months to years. However, She had developed a kidney infection and needed 3 weeks of antibiotics. After that she was back to her normal self, running around the house and playing. However a week later she crashed. She wouldn't come out of hiding for several days and a visit to the vet identified her kidney function was worse. We gave her fluids and b-vitamins and Antibiotics and took her home. But within days she stopped eating, stopped moving, lost the ability to walk more then a few feet and could not control her bladder. Further tests revealed her kidney function was worse and she now had two types of bacteria infecting her kidney. She also had lost 2 lbs in a Week and would only eat baby food.I can't shake the guilt. I had a previous pet die ofKidney failure and it was so hard toWatch. I made a fast decision, actually paying to cancel and Move my holiday flights to spend a weekend with her comforting her and then putting her down. I can't stop thinking what if I had done more? Tried other antibiotics..other treatments...hospitalized her with fluids. i feel like I failed her somehow. Like I threw her in the trash cause of the Christmas holiday instead of fighting more. I loved this cat to the world and backAnd cannot believe she is gone. Any adviceOn those who have dealt with these emotionsWould be much appreciated.
  23. I recently lost my kitten due to a mistake I made. This happend Sunday morning, and it was recently done when I found him at 8:01 am. I normally sleep with my pets as I've had so many throughout my lifetime so I didn't think anything of it. Well today I wish I wouldn't have slept with him. I woke up at 8:01 to find my kitten dead. I cannot get his face out of my mind and to know its my fault is killing me. My partner went and got all of his siblings hoping to make me feel better but it's just not working. I can't believe I was so stupid or careless. I loved this kitten. He was literally one of the first I've actually bonded with. It's ripping me from inside out and all I can do is cry. I've cried for several hours and all I want to do is scream at myself for being so stupid. In all my years alive I've never made this mistake and I would give my legs to have him in my arms again. I haven't been able to admit to my partner as to why I'm sure it was me who killed little alien. I'm so depressed from this and I want to go back and fix it.
  24. I said goodbye to my cat of 13 years, Urdwill, at the pet hospital this morning. He had multiple cancer tumors and I did not want him to have to go through invasive surgery. Yesterday when I visited him for an hour, he mewed, we cuddled, he rubbed his cheek against mine, and he fell asleep with his head on my hand. Today he acted as though I was a stranger, and simply stared fixedly ahead of him, as though he saw something we could not. The very kind and sensitive vet gave him an injection of medicine that made him sleep, then the killing dose; his passing was immediate, peaceful, and pain-free, as I had prayed it would be. I've been up since around 3am and I am so exhausted I can barely function, even though it is only 4pm here in Santa Fe, NM now. We had a wonderful 13 years together, Urdwill and I, and he was the last of my animals to pass away (I had 2 dogs before him and 2 dogs after I got him, all of whom are now dead). I must focus on what we had, not his last moments. But the child in me feels that somehow Urdwill got sick and died because I did not do something for him that I should have. And I feel as though I've been disemboweled. My heart goes out to all of you who are mourning a pet. Non-petlovers don't understand what it is like, how strong and deep the bond can be between human and pet. My body misses Urdwill--misses touching him, stroking his fur, feeling his weight on my lap and in my arms, hearing his loud purr and feeling the vibration of it. Often he would climb into bed with me, and his furry butt would push up against my side, keeping me warm. (And next morning he would have somehow managed to completely take over the middle of the bed, pushing me to the very margins!) I refuse to be ashamed of my grief. I love you, Urdwill. Goodbye, sweet boy.
  25. i don't even know were to begin. my cat wasn't just a pet to me she was the closest thing i had and probley ever will have to a child of my own. she started getting sick. i should have seen the signs. i thought she was eating and just not gaining weight. and drinking more water then eating. then she started going down hill fast. the last day my baby girl was with me i woke up and she could only lie on her left side. she couldn't move her back or front left legs at all. it was like she was asking me for help. i made the decicion to put her to sleep that day. as i was waiting for the ride to go i asked her to just go. she could go....please don't make me make this decision. but she wouldn't leave on her own. and i feel guilty. i feel like i murderd my child. i don't know how to make it right with my concience. because of me....because i gave money and signed a piece of paper my child no longer has a heartbeat. logically i know it was for the best because she was parylized on her left side. she was hurting. i could see it in her face but my heart....my heart is sick in pain. i have days were the logical side kicks in for a longer amount of time but my heart still hurts so bad. idk what to do. any advice would be greatly appreciated. thank you.
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