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Hello everyone, To those seeing this who are grieving, who are lost, who need comfort - I send love and light. Most people, like myself, find this place during hard times and that’s ok, because it means we are not alone. My mother passed away over a month ago and her death has devastated me like nothing before. I’m shattered, lost and not myself. My heart and soul are broken and the person I was when she was alive is not who I see and feel now. Everything is different and the pain, the numbness, the lack of connection, hope, clarity, peace and all is the by far, the worst experience of my life. In particular, it’s affecting my relationship, with a person I thought was absolutely “The One.” We haven’t been together long, but had a long friendship pre-relationship and the quality of our connection if unspeakably deep and true. When Mom was alive, she and I were unstoppable. We were inseparable. It was so right. Now, I don’t feel any love, any connection, any thing. I want to be alone and I don’t want to have to care of anyone. The pressure of having to take care of her and be a decent human being is hurting me further. I hate myself for letting her down and for not being able to give her what she deserves. I’m not being mean, or harmful, just sad, just distant and not present. God knows, she deserves better than what I can give now and better than who I am now. And in truth, I am not the same and will never be the same. Before I ask what I came here to ask, a bit about my Mom and I and why this loss hurts so much so. Mom raised me. I never met my father. She never brought me around me, ever. I have no siblings. We were quite poor and she suffered from massive anxiety issues. As a child, I knew I had to stop up and take care of her. I did that. I became an adult way too soon. When I was 12, Mom started having heart and lung problems. In a nutshell, I spent my twenties and thirties taking care of her. You’re talking a million days in the hospital, so much work at her place, you can’t imagine. I was a caregiver and that turned me into a perpetual giver. I take care of people and have never had anyone to take care of me. Mom gave all she could, but she couldn’t take care of me like she wished. Needless to say, I have trouble with letting people in. But I am infinitely kind and loving. I try damn hard to be a good soul. I feel so far away from my partner now. I love her. But I want to be alone and feel that I’d heal better and find peace better if I were alone, without the responsibility of loving and living with my partner. What are your experiences with this? What do you all think I should do? Any signs I should look out for? Thank you all. Wishing you love, peace, presence, good energy and all your hopes and dreams. Love from NYC HeartbrokenJ
This Friday will mark 5 months since Dad's death. Seems so long & so short at the same time. I've noticed that I fee like I've changed, emotionally, since that day & not necessarily in a good way. I'm more serious, more cynical.We don't entertain as much as we used to-I tell myself that all our friends are really busy too I've lost my spirit, my spunk-the spunk has turned more into bitchiness sometimes. I've lost my light & my creativity-my craft & art supplies are dusty. I don't put up with the junk I used to. Yet, I'm softer-I cry more easily at sweet or simple things. Yes, I'm on a very low dose of an anti depressant because my dr. insists that I'm NOT depressed but still grieving. I can no longer talk about Dad to my friends as most have told me to "get over it. Move on. He's dead what more do you want him to do?" [yes the person I thought was one of my best pals told me this after he promised me that he & his wife would help out whenever they could-nice huh?]. I do exercise & eat right, only have an occasional glass of wine or margarita. BUT I so miss my Dad!! Is this normal-people changing like this? When will I get my spark back? Along with Dad's death I've been dealing with Mom coming back North after spending the winter with my sisters in Texas & her dementia really progressing to the point where we are discussing options for her to move to an assisted living facility. Also dealing with a co-worker [i work in a 2 person non-profit organization] whom I barely tolerate because of her many many professional & personal issues so I"m quietly looking for a new job. Also: my only chld/daughter, who's 20, announced she's getting married next summer. Most nights I just want to crawl into a cave & hide.