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Found 28 results

  1. My dad's birthday would have been the 16th this month which also falls on fathers day this year.. The past week has been pretty difficult for me as it gets closer to his birthday. Mom said we'll make it a nice day, but at the same time... i know i'm going to fall apart.. last year he had to stay in the hospital and the nurses came in and surprised him with a cake while singing happy birthday to him. Luckily i was able to take a video on my phone and post it to youtube.. I know he isn't tired or suffering anymore but it doesn't change the fact he is gone..
  2. My question tonight is: when a spouse [my Dad] dies do you continue to celebrate their wedding anniversary with the surviving spouse? Dad died less than 12 hrs after he & mom "celebrated" their 63rd wedding anniversary. Do we get Mom an anniversary card or just one saying "thinking of you'? We'll be going up there to be with her on the 26th & honor Dad as a family but I"m so used to automatically buying an anniversary card for her. Didn't see this question in any of the grief protocol pamphlets we received.
  3. It’s Tuesday June 13th 2017. To anyone else it may be just another day. As for me, it’s another day and another week that goes by with the absence of my Derry. It’s one month, three weeks and one day that my heart took the hardest hit and it’s five days away from the first Father’s Day I will be celebrating in front of his tombstone. My name is Brenda and I am the middle child of three. Growing up I was daddy’s little girl and at 29 I still felt the same way. He was my world, the number one dad and I love him dearly. Derry is the endearment for my father. It’s my version of Spanglish for daddy. I always knew I was lucky, growing up in a pink bubble with both my parents, little sister and older brother. We did not grow up in a big home, expensive clothes or newest toys. However that modest home was full of love and we always had food on the table. My earliest memories are simply wonderful. My parents were the type to constantly remind us and show us their love. That bubble was soon broken. At age 17, my father was sentence to prison. The day he went to court he kissed me on the forehead and reassured me with confidence that everything would be okay. To my dismay he never returned home. He was sentence to serve time. This was the man who I knew was the kindest of hearts, the man who was always willing to help and was a hardworking family man. Until this day, I do not agree to his conviction. They took the best part of our lives. My family took the hardest blow. We cried for him as if he had passed. Every holiday turned into a painful event because we knew someone was missing. Our milestones became moments of grief. Every visit was full of joy to see him but it ended in heartbreak as I walked away knowing I could not take him back home. My heart found a little comfort as he began to find his faith. In 2017 after serving ten years in prison he was released but deported to Mexico. His release was a mixture of emotions knowing he was free but he would now be 700 miles away. Our fears didn’t go away, they simply transformed. I felt at ease knowing he was in his hometown and that he was content taking care of his parents. We visited him when we could, at times in a group and other time one person at a time. My favorite time, was when I went alone. I spent the days following him around, like when I was a little girl. Watching him as he completed his daily duties of running a farm and taking care of his aging parents. As I watched him, I imagined one day I would be in his shoes. One day I would take care of my old man. Fate had other plans. On April 22nd I received the call that would change my life once more. My father was missing. An hour later there was news of a body found in the old road that leads to the town. A short time after, it was confirmed that the body found was my Derry. He was murdered in cold blood and his truck burned. I thought I had already felt the worst of pains but this took the throne. I fell to the ground and simply screamed in anger, God why him. I cursed God as my mother tried to keep the words from coming out of my mouth. I was mad at God for not protecting him. My dad was at a point in his life where he was running on faith and believed in him. He wasn’t done with his work, to convert us to his faith. He couldn’t allow him to be gone because he wasn’t done. This broke my heart to pieces. My brother and I went on a mission, to bring him home. We flew to Mexico, arranged his farewell from the land where he was born and we brought him home. Home, where he spent forty years of his fifty nine years of life. Where he built his home and raised his family. Where his family waited to say goodbye for the last time. Watching how many people, here and in Mexico, showed up to say goodbye simply reestablished the good man he was. Two years, that’s all we had to enjoy his life out after surviving through ten years hoping for the day he would be released. Here we are again continuing life without him. This time we won't be getting a call or letter from him. This time we cannot visit him. This time we cannot hear his voice or hug him. I have made peace with this sudden lost. I am standing strong. I do not know how at times but I am still going. Maybe I am still in the shock face of grieving as some say. Maybe life has made me this tough and I am accustom to pain. Yet I think it is bigger than that, it’s God’s grace. After cursing him upon the news, I came to a realization. When I asked what else can be taken from me, Jobs story came to mind. You see, I am by no means the most religious person but I have studied his word. I cannot unlearned what I have learned. This time my Derry is in a better place. This time God’s grace is keeping me from plunging into depression. This time I know that's what he would have wanted. This time I will not fall.
  4. I guess I don't know where to start. It's been just over one week since I got the call that my father was being taken to the hospital. Everyone was really reassuring, even my dad telling my Aunt he was fine and didn't need to go. He went to just go see why he wasn't feeling quite right after getting his teeth pulled that morning. Only about an hour and half later I get a call from a hospital that his heart stopped, but they got it back going and they had a team of people working on him. I immediately said I was going to be on my way (I live in Missouri approx 5 1/2 hours from my dad in IL) but in less than an hour I got a call saying he was gone... I have no words other than I am completely heart broken. I couldn't get to him soon enough, I didn't get to talk to him, or see him. I am an only child, I'm 29 and my dad was 54. We were very close and talked pretty much every day on the phone, except that day... I am really struggling because I am the only one left to take care of my fathers estate and business and IRS debt. I spend my days filing paper work talking to lawyers and appraisers. I'm so overwhelmed I feel like I can't even grieve my father's passing. I just have to keep working to get everything taken care of and I just wish I could call and talk to him so bad. It doesn't feel real, my brain doesn't work right, I can't make myself believe what is happening... I feel so confused about what I'm feeling.
  5. Its been 12 days since my father passed away. We already had his viewing and mass funeral. I am devastated. I had such a close relationship with my father. He was basically my best friend. I spent most of my days with him and we talked about EVERYTHING. I love my father so much. I always worried about my dad while he was sick and my routine always went around his. But why do I feel like I'm not crying as much as I should? Its like tears won't come out. Is this normal? I am so hurt and sad but I feel like I'm not feeling what I'm supposed to be feeling right now. Am I numb from everything? I'm a person who likes to acknowledge and feel all my emotions so I don't understand why I'm not feeling what I want to feel right now. I want to cry and feel sad when I'm at home but I feel like a part of me isn't grieving. Or maybe this lack of "feeling" IS part of grieving? I don't know and I am so confused with my own emotions.
  6. I miss sharing my art-and everything else with my dad. Today was the last day of my ceramics class and so we had our pieces there for the final critique. It would have been fun to share them with my dad; he would have liked them. Lena was not particularly impressed with them
  7. My father died unexpectedly of a heart attack in February. I happened to be home visiting and was there the night he died. He was not only my father but a great friend, he used to make me howl with laughter. The last conversation I had with him, the night before he died, I asked if he wanted me to pick him up a burrito (after already re-heating leftovers for him) and he said he was much too full to eat any more food, but that he loved me and was so proud of me. He died in his sleep that night. Quietly and without a fuss, it was just the way he wanted, but I still can't believe the physical and emotional pain I have endured. I've lost 30 pounds since he died, have had awful anxiety and depression, and couldn't eat anything for the first couple months. I'm seeing a therapist, and am close with my siblings and mother, but the loss is so palpable, it makes it hard to breathe. I had a vivid dream of him last night and woke up feeling awful. Tomorrow is his birthday. My sister wants to get a cake for him but I'm not sure how I feel about that. I like the idea of getting Mexican food and margaritas (his absolute favorite), but am having such a hard even thinking about celebrating in any way. As I type this I am sobbing in my office, feverishly wiping my eyes and nose so that nobody sees me crying. I'm only 31 and he was 71 when he died. All my friends are losing grandparents and having kids and I am just stuck in this grief. I used to want to start my family soon but my grief is so strong I know I'm not ready. I've been dreading his birthday since he died and I just don't know how to keep going. Thank you for listening to me. <3
  8. After my father passed away, I seemed to be coping with it better than my mom and brother. But a part of me thinks it was only a facade. I lost all motivation. I began worse eating habits, which has resulted in weight gain. I seem to have sudden anger and sudden moments of crying. It's strange. I'm a very happy and optimistic person. I will be completely fine all day but when my mom refuses to buy parchment paper, I blow up. Or when my boyfriend and I are having a disagreement, I put it on my mom. I'm sure part of this is normal but I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on how to help? With the sudden bursts of emotion, having absolutely no motivation and eating my feelings. I mean I am sitting right now and eating M&M's when I've already had lunch and I'm really not hungry. I have so many emotions and still am in disbelief over his passing that I don't know what to do or think. I know I have to move on but it is all so different now. So, any suggestions or advice for these things that I have mentioned?
  9. Hello again. I was on here a 2 months ago, talking about the recent death of my Father. 2 weeks ago, I had a heart attack (which was incredibly surprising, given that I'd played tennis six times that week). Then, last week, my favorite cousin died suddenly from kidney disease. Bad things might come in threes, but this is ridiculous!!! The hardest thing is grasping what I'm feeling, when and why. I thought the heart attack symptoms were grief and now It seems that grief might be another heart attack. While I'm on all the right medications, in therapy (both mental and physical) and trying to take care of myself--this is extremely difficult. I keep telling myself that fully experiencing the pain will make me a deeper person. Any other suggestions?
  10. I'm just wondering why I can't seem to cry. I've experienced the roughest 6 months of my life. My father whom I lived with died in December from a heart attack, which I witnessed. I still live here, with my step-mother because this is my home. But this past week I got the news that my mother who was suffering from years of anxiety/depression & other sorts of mental illness, killed herself. She initally raised me, but about 8 years ago, something ticked in her head and she was ever the same. All this has happend in such a short span in my young life, I'm only 17. I feel so angry that I've been unable to cry, for both deaths. I think im numb to the feeling of loss. But I know crying is an important part to the grieving process...& The only time I even shed a little tear is when friends and family assure me that I still have them in my life. I was just moving on from my father, & the constant anxiety was starting to go away, & I was begining to enjoy my days...channeling all that stress into physical activities, such as running. Then my mom happened. & I'm back to that initial state of stress/being anxious (which was never an issue till after these deaths) & still wondering why I can't cry. People say its because I "bottle up my feelings" but thats not true, I've had some of the deepest conversations with my step-mother in the past 6 months, it honestly kind of angers me when they say that. Like oh when someone dies, you must cry. But those people have not experienced the amount of loss I havs in the last 6 months. The loved ones around me feel so bad for me, & I see tears in their eyes, but none come from mine. So I ask again why can't I cry? Thanks for reading, 17 yr old, son
  11. Is this a fluke-or what? Yesterday my mood went from zero to...well a little into the negative but not too far down or for too long. I actually got some productive work done on one of the two psychoeducational reports I really need to get done if I want to finish the school year looking good and have some work to go back to at the end of the summer. It's been hard to drag myself to it, but I'm doing it! And then today, I woke up-and got up at a normal time for me-before 7:00, with some energy and enthusiasm and positive thoughts about what I can do with the day. And some other days to come. In other words, this is the first day that I woke up feeling like myself in a long time. I am going down to the Verde River Growers-to talk to Shawn, the owner, about my father's rosebush and bring him some blossom samples. Verde River Growers has been one of the joys of my life in the last few years; they have dozens of greenhouses and open areas of flowers, bushes, trees, and every other plant imaginable, and the people there are so friendly and helpful. They haven't seen much of me this year because I have been too flattened to move, but last year we did a big trade where I did three huge acrylic paintings of veggies on wood panels to help them promote their veggie area, in trade for plants. I was so happy about having my paintings there and doing the trade. It's hard to believe that was me, but I'm pretty sure it was, because I signed them. Just the other day I introduced myself to someone, who said, "Oh, I know who you are-you did those paintings of the veggies down at the greenhouse!" Yeah, that was me... Anyway, I would just love to have my own rosebush of the same variety that my dad has at my own condo so I can continue to enjoy his roses even after he is gone, his house is sold, and I have no more access to it, but I have no idea what it is. I'm sure Shawn can help me get to the bottom of it. Also, he has expressed interest in having me do another trade this year--this time of flowers. Perhaps I should work on being more interested myself. Maybe if I acted more like myself, I would feel more like myself. Also, I met some nice neighbors last night. Now that it's warm, I need to water the plants and flowers at my own condo as well as the ones at my dad's where I am living. I certainly don't want to be a plant-killer on top of everything else! I would feel even worse! These condos are close together with tiny narrow streets with a lot of dead ends so you can't go zooming around, but you can walk through connecting paths easily. So I was walking back from my condo to his and noticed a car drive to the dead end of the street I was walking on, and then back, very slowly. I was watching them because they looked lost and I was going to ask them if they were lost and offer direction. They rolled down the window and asked me if I was lost. I said no, I thought maybe they were lost. They laughed and said no. They seemed very friendly-two men wearing ties in the front and two women in the back dressed casually, and looking to be in late middle age, like me. They seemed friendly and this is Sedona, and I will talk to just about anyone...I had the vague impression they were doing some kind of religious outreach. So I told them that I did feel rather lost because my dad had died, even though I knew exactly where I was. They laughed, sympathized, and we chatted a bit. Turns out one of the couples lives in my condo complex and they gave me their phone number, suggesting that I should call them any time I felt like talking-that we could meet down at the condo association's jacuzzi. It's inside a locked gate so only the residents have access. but I never go down there alone, and I nave have anyone to go with. What a lovely offer! It made me feel good... And feeling good is an oddity these days...so I guess I'll snip a few roses and go see Shawn...I'll bring back a photo of the boards I painted last year! Thanks for listening!
  12. Two months after the diagnosis of pancreatic cancer, my Dad died on March 5th of this year. During those two months, I cried, yelled, hugged him and and let him know it was ok to go. I thought the early grieving would make it easier, but the heartfelt pain is intense. Some days seem foggy, detached from life, alien. Other days, I feel pain more clearly and want to hide away like a wounded dog. Even though everyone experiences death at some point, it seems like no one understands my pain. This is especially hard as it brings up memories of my Brother's death years ago. i've heard that, to the extent that we experience the pain defines our capacity for joy after. My question is, how and when does the pain start to subside? I know it's a natural process, different for everyone, but what is acceptance like? Is it the slow process of filling our lives around the hole that is left or does there come a day when we know we've fully accepted what happened or both? Would like to hear from others going through this process or have made it to a peaceful place...
  13. Forgive me. I'm typing this via iPhone: There will be typos and grammar errors. I'm not really used to things like this. I guess the best place to start is the beginning. My father died in June of 2012. He was 52 years old. We were at a family reunion in Ohio, a camp ground. He was talking to my uncle about his stand up comedy routines, when suddenly he began gasping for air. The doctors say he died of a heart attack and that he pretty much died at the camp ground. He had been so content. It was so sudden. We never got to say goodbye... My life seemed to change drastically after that. My husband of 5 years sexually assaulted me, then cheated on me with our mutal friend, and we ultimately separated. I remember telling my family what he did to me. No one seemed to really care or make sure I was okay. My brothers are actually still "good friends" with my ex and claim he's a good guy despite knowing what he did to me. I don't think I can ever forgive them for that. At family functions I smile and pretend I'm okay and don't feel any negative feelings about their loyalty to my attacker, but inside it's tearing me apart. I find myself wondering what my Dad would have done if he had been here. He'd have kicked his ass. He'd have done something. He'd have supported me... Maybe I deserved what happened. Maybe I changed since my Dad's death and my husband didn't feel the love anymore. Maybe he was needy and I just didn't have the energy anymore. I felt angry after my dad died. I didn't know why "God" took him from me. I was questioning a lot in my life. Somedays, I'm okay. I carry on like everything is fine. Then there are days like this where I feel so empty and alone. Since my divorce, I've found a new man who is very supportive. He knows what happened between my ex and me, and he's very loving and kind. But he never met my Dad. He never experienced loss like I have. I appreciate his support, but he can not fully comprehend how I feel. I hate that my dad is gone. I want to talk to him, to tell him everything that's happened and to hear his wise words of encouragement. I wish my brothers would have supported me and at least threatened to kick my ex's ass. Also, my mom remarried recently and I feel like she's so content in her new life that she forgets about Dad. We always have pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. It's dad's favorite. But this year, it was left out. Forgotten. Why?! It was never forgotten before! It's stupid things like this that eat at me. I just want my Dad back. I didn't have the best relationship with my dad, but I still want him back. I want to be strong like he was. I want to be confident like him. I don't know why I'm here. I stumbled across this site and decided to sign up and write a post to express my pain. I just wish I could go back in time and change so many things, like all the wasted time I should have spent with my Dad, or ever marrying my ex in the first place. But I can't. I'm left feeling empty. I just want my Dad back.....
  14. Growing up my dad wasn't around because he was doing drugs and was a drug dealer. He ended up going to prison for a few years. I've always had an intense longing for a relationship with my dad and we connected through myspace back when I was about 12. I ended up meeting him and we talked over the phone or on the internet ever since. I love him. My dad died in march very suddenly. He was in a car accident, I guess he lost control of his car and it flipped over into a ditch. I didn't find out until a week later. He hadn't been responding to my facebook messages and so I googled his name for some reason. I found the online news article detailing his car accident. I have so many conflicting emotions but I am mostly just depressed. I long to hug him and make sure he knows that I love him. I long for him so much I've spent like 150 dollars calling psychic mediums. I don't even know what I believe and if I am religious or not, I'm just desperate. At the same time I'm somehow still angry I guess because of his absence. The loneliness is killing me. When he was alive I was able to call him about my problems or just to catch up. I just want to call him. I keep thinking about the pain he was probably in. After he was discovered they took him to the hospital and he died later that night. I just imagine him laying in a ditch and I feel terrible. I wish there was something I could have done. He was all alone in pain. I feel so empty....also angry because no one on my dads side of the family messaged me or tried to get in contact with me about what happened, I had to read all the details from an article. And I won't be invited to my own dads funeral because no one in his family knows me ( but they know of me) :'(
  15. Hi guys, sorry Ive been MIA. Ive been lacking motivation but I completed grief therapy! So thats good. Im going to be replying to old posts too so bear with me. Lately, Ive been feeling down in the dumps. Kind of like a storm cloud is following me. I no longer feel like a black cloud is over me but its more of a rainy gray cloud. Ive also been feeling disconnected and far away. Especially from my dad. I mean I know its cause hes gone but I feel so far away from him. My mom thinks Im afraid to open up to feel him because Ive watched so many paranormal shows that I freak out lol which is true. But how do I open myself up to him? Sometimes I dream about them but I dont remember them and he's still sick in them. Im not sure if I actually do dream of him or not. I asked to be visited but i dont know if I am. Any advice? I feel like grief therapy took away a lot of the pain. Its chipped some of the pain but I am still having issues.
  16. So about a couple of months ago my girlfriend recently lost her stepdad. Of course I was there for her throughout all of it. At first things were well and I was able to comfort her and help her get through things. But recently I asked her if all was ok. She has been distant and does hold my hand as much,kiss, or just really any form of intimacy. When I asked her she told me she just need some space from me and that we should see each other less. She said she didn't want to end our relationship because she isnt in the right state of mind to do that and DOENST want to make a mistake. So the thing is I am giving her her space but it's just hard to not think about us. I am doing all i can to keep busy. ( about completely restored my jeep in a week to keep my mind straight) I want to respect her wishes but I want to let her know I still care about her with out smothering her Or crowding her. I live by the motto "hope for the best expect the worse". After reading some of the things on here I am prepared to lose her even though I don't want that just want some friendly advice. Thanks
  17. It's been a while since I've been on here. It's been 16 months since Dad passed away & on Valentine's day it was the 2 yr mark since my best friend left us all. I have continued to struggle & fight this grief thing including taking a mild anti depressant & now taking more of the anti anxiety pills as I have had even more periods of anxiety. I have had HORRIBLE STRESS with my job, planning my daughter's July wedding, some volunteer activities even. Next week I'm finally going to start the process of seeing a therapist-I've been using my husband's shoulders to cry on long enough & last week I felt I was having a melt down. I know a lot of the depression can be attributed to the winter weather & no sun & horrible temps, etc. BUT Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck missing Dad & Donna. Not a day goes by I don't think of Dad at least especially as the wedding gets closer & we're reminded that my Dad always told my daughter he couldn't wait to dance with her on her special day. I have started wondering if something happened to my spiritual side with these losses. I have forced myself to go to church exactly twice [besides a couple funerals] since Dad's funeral & my heart feels hard or empty when I think of God-is that possible? I so want to be open to all that again but it's like that side is gone. Does that make any sense? I see people's pictures and posts on facebook about loving God & all these great things & I don't feel any of that! I used to I know. Also, can physical belongings tie you to the grief? If so, what happens if you get rid of them. As I type this I'm looking at 2 pictures on my wall that I bought during a road trip with my best friend. Each time I see them some great memories of her come back at the same time that I tear up. My husband & I both want to change the decor in this room & those things wont' look good when we do but I hate to toss them. I don't find them that attractive any more but besides a couple small photos of her & my memories they are the ONLY thing I have of her left. I'm afraid if I give them away I'll have nothing to remind me of her even as I know I get a bit sad sometimes seeing them. I was ok getting rid of a lot of Dad's things because I have so many other things-like my Daughter's smile or even just my Mom to keep memories of him alive. With Donnna I don't - a few photos. Is it ok if I take these pictures down? Will I still have her?
  18. My family has suffered another sad death this week: my 62 year old cousin passed away yesterday from mestatic breast cancer-her 3rd fight with breast cancer. It's so sad because of how hard she fought to beat it 3 times. We come from a very large clan & her family are all like siblings to my family. Friday I had called her sister to tell her I'd be up this coming Saturday to bring a shoe box of photos of their family & our other cousins, I'd found while sorting all Mom & Dad's so her & her sister & other family could enjoy them while Denise was still alive. She said Denise had been having some pretty decent days even with hospice coming in every day & that they'd look forward to seeing the photos. Guess now we can look at them after the funeral. A bit surreal is that her funeral is Friday-exactly 3 months after my Dad died. It's going to be a really tough day & I don't know exactly how to deal with all these different emotions. Was just getting a grip on Dad's death but I have a tough time on many Fridays [THE day, not the date] as it is. I know Dad & the rest of our angel family were there to greet her. My parents were her God parents & Mom is taking this very hard too; she's in Houston with some of my sisters & can't get back so another sister, a brother & I will be representing our family. OH & we also got the news that my Mom's last living sister in law is in critical condition after a fall this week & it's not looking good. Oh & on Valentine's Day we get to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of my best friend's death. I'll actually be travelling to Kansas City with 20 friends & former co-worker to send up gold crown balloons in front of the Hallmark Crown Center to celebrate her life & how we all met [working for Hallmark corporate]. Thought 2013 was going to be better & not filled with death.
  19. This Friday will mark 5 months since Dad's death. Seems so long & so short at the same time. I've noticed that I fee like I've changed, emotionally, since that day & not necessarily in a good way. I'm more serious, more cynical.We don't entertain as much as we used to-I tell myself that all our friends are really busy too I've lost my spirit, my spunk-the spunk has turned more into bitchiness sometimes. I've lost my light & my creativity-my craft & art supplies are dusty. I don't put up with the junk I used to. Yet, I'm softer-I cry more easily at sweet or simple things. Yes, I'm on a very low dose of an anti depressant because my dr. insists that I'm NOT depressed but still grieving. I can no longer talk about Dad to my friends as most have told me to "get over it. Move on. He's dead what more do you want him to do?" [yes the person I thought was one of my best pals told me this after he promised me that he & his wife would help out whenever they could-nice huh?]. I do exercise & eat right, only have an occasional glass of wine or margarita. BUT I so miss my Dad!! Is this normal-people changing like this? When will I get my spark back? Along with Dad's death I've been dealing with Mom coming back North after spending the winter with my sisters in Texas & her dementia really progressing to the point where we are discussing options for her to move to an assisted living facility. Also dealing with a co-worker [i work in a 2 person non-profit organization] whom I barely tolerate because of her many many professional & personal issues so I"m quietly looking for a new job. Also: my only chld/daughter, who's 20, announced she's getting married next summer. Most nights I just want to crawl into a cave & hide.
  20. As it gets closer to the 1 yr mark for Dads death I find myself really thinking hard about "if only I had known what I know now of what will happen in October at this time last year"... I would force Dad to get to a dr to be really checked out, I'd be up there constantly watching them both, I'd be forcing Mom to go to the Dr & get the diagnosis of her dementa & start making plans. Most of all I'd sit both of them down & ask SO MANY QUESTIONS & make sure I recorded them. I found out even more about Dad AFTER his death that I had no clue about when he was alive. Being the youngest of the family everyone sheltered me from things & perhaps unintentionally unincluded me in things. I want to go back & talk to him one more time. Normal? I really didn't think it would affect me this hard so early-I knew that week would be hell but not this soon.
  21. Today is our First Father's Day without Dad. It's been 6 months & 15 days. thought this would be easier to get through today. Almost didn't buy my husband a Father's day card since every time I got near that section at the card store I cried. Finally at Walmart, one of my regular customers from work who knows about Dad saw me struggling at the F.Day card section, went & grabbed a big sheet of poster board & held in front of the Dad cards until I could find one for hubby. Today I woke up thinking "Yay, I can call & talk to Dad today." then a few minutes later "oh crap, no I can't. he's gone & I can't tell him & hear him tease me about making a fuss over him". So I'm avoiding looking at ANY photos of him until later when my hubby's at work & I can cry. I so want to hold his hand again, want to hear his voice, want to feel his hugs, share a beer with him. He was the best example of a man there could be-my husband even resembles alot alot of his same good character. His best gift was thew wonderful & gentle way he treated my Mom-he had her so spoiled. He also taught my sisters & I what to look for & expect from a man/partner; sometimes we didn't listen but in the end we all did. I wish Heaven had a phone to call him & tell him Hey Happy Father's Day. I'll see you soon. xoxo this photo was taken 2 yrs ago at my daughter's high school graduation. 3 days later he survived a massive hemmoraghic stroke. This is the last photo we have of him well.
  22. Dad died Oct. 26 last year. Mom JUST got diagnosed with dementia so we'll be moving her to assisted living at the end of the month & selling her house. This weekend we're having a yard sale to start selling 64 years worth of memories & belongings. We've been slowly bringing things home from there as I we want them. Today one of my sisters called to ask what pieces of Mom's silver do I want? As Mom has so much & it's always been in the hutch or buffet I have no idea plus I was at work studying a new collection of pottery not thinking of silver. But within 1/2 hour it hit me: "This is it. We are slowly dispersing, amongst ourselves, Mom & Dad's life. It's not staying at that house. Mom & Dad will never need it again. Mom will never see it again. There will never again be any of my family there [after the house sale]; Dad will never feed his squirrels, Mom will never swing on the front porch again nor will any of our kids." Will Mom remember all of these memories? How long before she forgets it all? I also started wondering what Dad would think of all this-if he'd be ok with Mom's moving-we found out from papers he'd written that he'd suspected the dementia several years ago but didn't want her diagnosed & treated differently. And it hit once again-9 months later & the pain still comes back.
  23. Memorial weekend will mark the 6 month mark since Dad's death. A bit of an ironic "holiday" this year I think. As we'll be trying to visit all our other families' graves we'll also be getting ready to have Dad's headstone finally put on the grave. That seems to be like a final marker for me at least-so far all that marks his "spot" is a metal butterfly garden stake I put there & the broken sod; sometimes I could drive to that cemetary to visit other graves & pretend his didn't exist so it must not be true, right? I'd thought I was doing Sooo good with this grief stuff, even thinking that I didn't really need the very mild anti depressant the dr. gave me. Nope. Now I am to the point where I am going to look for a counselor. I have developed a lot of anger towards people since some of my closest friends have shown that they're not good dealing with "people like me"-I STILL keep getting told to "quit talking about your Dad, he's dead. Is there anything really to talk about?" by a "close friend" & co-worker I even considered a brother. He even told me since I came back to work the day after the funeral that it couldn't have been that bad if I came back that soon. Maybe I shouldn't have gone back that week but we depend on every dime & hour of my paycheck. I'm dealing with so much stress & issues at work that there is anger from that. Mom's has declined to the point where we are discussing other living options & knowing that in the next few months we will be selling Mom & Dad's house of almost 50 years & moving her & dealing with that. My only daughter gets married next summer & she wanted her Grandpa there so much-that's the one thing she'd ever dreamed of: dancing with Grandpa at her wedding. She & her fiance even went to the grave [how I have come to HATE that word!] & "told Grandpa we have to do this without him". I WANTED MY DAD THERE to see his favorite grand child walk down that aisle. Even as he recovered from his stroke he'd tell me "I know Allie's going to be a bride someday and I'll be there to walk her down to meet that boy.I promise you." My parents helped me raise her until she was 6 & out of all 18 grandchildren she was his favorite. I still cry every night.I relive that whole last week constantly-I am so afraid I'm forgetting the sound of his voice & the touch of his hand. And I'm angry at myself for not knowing my Dad better when he was alive-I'm learning more about him from my siblings, stuff I never even knew about him & I get so mad at myself for not knowing more-why didn't I push him to talk to me more?!! with me he was quiet & would show me things more & tell me he liked just sitting without saying anything why the hell didn't I make him talk? Why was I so d*** selfish to just accept his not talking?!!!!! I was his last daughter-I should have done more!!!! I don't tell my husband any of this-he has to listen enough to my venting about my job & dealing with Mom's situation. This is MY pain. I just want him back. I want my Mom back to before the dementia invaded her body. I want to hold his hand one more time. And I thought all this grief stuff would be over by now.
  24. My daughter got engaged on Valentine's Day. So many mixed emotions: happy for them, anxiety about what a wedding will involve with all the ex'es in the group & finances, sadness about her no longer being my baby but a wife & most of all sadness that Dad won't be here to see it. Allie was his favorite grandchild & he & Mom helped me raise her until I got married & he always promised Allie that he would dance with her at her wedding just like he did with me at mine. Now he won't be there to dance with her. And I'm afraid that with Mom's dementia progressing that she won't remember it or really "be there" mentally for it. The wedding probably won't be taking place for a year but.... Allie did ask me if I thought it would be ok, the first nice weekend, for her & her fiance to go back home & visit the grave to "tell Grandpa the news." You can imagine what my response was [it involves a soaked kleenex]. We do want them to wait until Grandma gets back North to tell her in person-telling her over the phone would really confuse her.
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