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  1. My question tonight is: when a spouse [my Dad] dies do you continue to celebrate their wedding anniversary with the surviving spouse? Dad died less than 12 hrs after he & mom "celebrated" their 63rd wedding anniversary. Do we get Mom an anniversary card or just one saying "thinking of you'? We'll be going up there to be with her on the 26th & honor Dad as a family but I"m so used to automatically buying an anniversary card for her. Didn't see this question in any of the grief protocol pamphlets we received.
  2. Herb died last night. I'm not sure what to even call him. He was my Jewish father, the man who taught me what it meant to be culturally Jewish. He was my adopted and surrogate father, the man who was always there for me and the rest of the family, even in the days when I had minimal contact with my family of origin. Herb was amazing and it seemed like he knew everything and how to do anything. He taught physics at Occidental College in L.A. for many years, and before that taught all of the math and science courses at Deep Springs College, in Big Pine, CA, a two year college where students attend college courses while also learning how to run a working ranch. Not only was he able to teach any college course in math or science, he could have taught world history or photography, or a host of other subjects. He had a great sense of humor, played the guitar and could sing or talk in Yiddish, Spanish, and several other languages. He could design or repair anything, and had creative and sometimes bizarre - but workable - solutions for anything and everything. You could call him or sit down with him and pose some question, and he would launch forth on a lecture of close to an hour with entirely information that he pulled out of his vast memory. He was a true mensch and loved his family and friends, of which he had many. He was a humanitarian and a feminist; there was nothing about him that was sexist, racist, agist, or prejudiced in any way. He was kind and generous, and the smartest person I have only known. He is a lost to the world, and most especially to those close to him. I have tons of pictures of him explaining something to his daughter, his niece, to me, or someone, gesturing with his hands and talking with intensity. That seems like ages ago and like yesterday. Herb had been declining for several years from dementia and the person that I knew 25 years ago has been mostly gone for a while. Ten years ago he would say he couldn't rememberer all of the details about some thing you had asked him about. Four years ago he stopped driving from Pasadena to Sedona because he was relying on his wife's memory for driving. Two years he could no longer read a clock, but could carry on a basic conversation and remembered the people who were close to him. A year ago he was moved to a memory care unit, but was still under the same roof as the independent living apartment his wife lived in. Six months ago he spent his life facing the door waiting for her visits twice a day. Two months ago his wife suffered a major and then a minor stroke. One month ago, their daughters coaxed his wife out of Pasadena to go live in Oakland with the younger daughter, because they were terrified that they were going to lose both parents. A week or two ago he tested positive for Coronavirus and was placed on Hospice care. And now Herb is gone. He had some FaceTime sessions with family during his last days as he was slipping in and out of consciousness. He has been slipping away from us for years, but there is a terrible finality to his actual death. The world is not the same place without Herb in it.
  3. We lost our Little Bear on Monday. She was a dear little girl, only 10 years old and she came down with an illness we were never able to definitively identify after two vets and many visits. Repeated blood tests were normal. X-rays revealed nothing. The best they could tell us was "cognitive canine disorder" similar to Alzheimers in adults. She didn't appear to be in any pain, but this once joy-filled little dog that was so full of love and zest for life no longer wagged her tail at all, or enjoyed anything she used to...she just slept and ate. It broke our hearts to see her like this. She had the heart of a puppy and had always met us with wiggles and wags--like she hadn't seen us in a week, even when we'd only been gone five minutes. She often laid next to us, but was like a little toddler...never wanting to be held, always wanting to play. For the last couple of months she barely lifted her head when we came home. She slept on our chests for hours at a time, snuggling under our chin and pressing her check to our lips for kisses. Our son suffers from a medical condition and she has been the light in his life through the years of struggles he's faced. He was devastated watching her decline and we took her to multiple vets looking for an answer. She started to become confused, staring at the carpet and walls, seemed to forget how to drink so we mixed water in with food we cooked and prepared at home. The last vet we took her to said she could live for a long time like this and he was sorry he couldn't do anything more. He was grateful she was eating and said that was the main concern. He said this was the new normal for her and we would never have the dog back that we once had. It was hard to hear that but it helped us move forward and let go of pouring hundreds and hundreds of dollars we didn't have into tests that didn't reveal anything. He gave us medicine to try for the cognitive disorder but we didn't see a difference, she was still on it when we lost her. It was hard to think of her living like this for years, but we also couldn't bear to put her to sleep since she didn't appear to be in pain. I did research on canine cognitive disorder and read one source that said dogs with CCD lived longer than dogs without it, one possible reason being that they visited the vet more often. We missed our joy-filled Little Bear but we realized this was going to be our new normal and we were going to love her just as much and make her as comfortable as possible. We had deaths in our extended family over the past two years that were untimely and devastating, and in the wake of those deaths, we accepted an invite to go on vacation with our extended family. For months we planned a once in a lifetime vacation. It gave those grieving something to focus on and look forward to. In the meantime, Little Bear started showing symptoms, and was diagnosed with CCD. We hated the thought of leaving her to go on vacation. She had always come with us but it would be impossible for her to make this trip. Since she wasn't in pain we thought she would be okay if we left her in the care of a trusted family member who lives a few hours away and who is nurturing and loving. We pictured them snuggled for hours together. She had always loved going to their home since she was a puppy and knew them by name. We knew this was the best place she could be while we were gone. We were gone two weeks. We missed her everyday and couldn't wait to get home to pick her up. Our son said over and over again how much he couldn't wait to see her. We felt the same way. There were several sick people that we were exposed to on our way home from vacation and our son and I picked something up...by the evening of our return, we were both sick. I didn't want to expose the couple who watched Little Bear to whatever we had, so my husband made the trip to pick her up alone. That night, I Face-timed him and saw Little Bear sleeping on his chest. I couldn't wait to hold her again and tell her how much I love her. But that night, the unthinkable happened. The couple had been letting Little Bear out on their fenced in and gated deck to go to the bathroom. They felt it was less confusing for her than going in the grass and said they just rinsed the deck off after she went to the bathroom. So that night, my husband let her out on the deck. The deck wraps around two sides of their house. There are several bird feeders on the deck and in the past, we've seen raccoons at the feeders at night. There haven't been raccoons there in a couple of years, but my husband didn't know this. As our Little Bear paced for a place to go to the bathroom on the deck, my husband decided to make sure there weren't any raccoons lurking around the corner of the deck that might surprise her. He walked around the side of the deck to make sure the feeder was clear and it was. When he turned back around, Little Bear was gone. He said he couldn't have looked away for more than 7 seconds. It was raining hard. He quickly looked around the deck and she was no where to be found. He thought she may have walked through the slats of the deck so he jumped the gate and ran to the area below the deck. They have a walkout basement and it would've been a 10 foot fall for her. He looked all around and couldn't find her. He yelled for help and the couple watching her brought flashlights and called the sheriff. Within 1-2 minutes of her disappearing, three people with flashlights were looking for her. Under bushes, through the lawn, behind flowerpots and under cars. They live in a rural area with woods and ravine. The sheriff and my husband searched the hill and ravine. The drove the neighborhood and searched the properties of the surrounding homes. Neighbors joined the search. It was pitch dark and after two hours of looking in the rain, they called off the search. My husband and a couple people looked again in the morning. They never found her. My husband called me with the news the morning after she disappeared. When I assured him it wasn't his fault, he broke down crying like I've only heard him cry once before in over two decades of marriage. I could imagine the panic he had gone through and my heart broke for him. I felt in my heart she had died and that there was nothing more he could do to find her. There are numerous coyotes in the area and owls. I felt in the seven seconds my husband was checking for raccoons, an animal took her. I couldn't imagine her pushing through slats on the fence and falling over the side and no one finding her. They were searching with flashlights within a couple minutes, the only delay being that my husband started looking even before that, without a flashlight, while he called for help. Little Bear had been so weak and tired. When she came up against an obstacle, whether furniture or a wall, she would stop and stare at it, or turn around and start pacing. But now I can't stop thinking. What if she pushed through the slats and fell off the deck? I know they looked for hours and hours for her. Surely they would've found her? But maybe they missed a spot I would've found her in. I can't imagine what happened to her. I can't sleep at night thinking of where she might be or how she died. She was such a loving dog. The most loving dog I have ever known. She deserved so much better than this. I feel like I failed her. When we left her to go on vacation we knew she had CCD, but we thought she would live for years. While we were gone, the couple watching her said she declined even further but they didn't want us to know because we were out of the country and couldn't have gotten back any sooner. They said she seemed to lose her hearing completely and her eyesight was worse. She bumped into things. Would run into their legs and act like she was caught and couldn't get out. She paced constantly and only laid down when she was exhausted--but never let them hold her. The snuggling I had imagined never happened with them. How it breaks my heart to think of her anxious heart. Was she wondering where we went? My husband cried and told me he didn't want to tell me but when he got to the couple's house, Little Bear didn't know who he was. She didn't want him to hold her. I told him I saw her laying on his chest when we Face-timed but he said that was the only time she let him hold her. I keep thinking, what if I hadn't gotten sick and I'd gone with my husband to pick her up? Enough of the events of that night would've changed and she wouldn't have disappeared. Maybe I would've let her out in the grass. Or let her out earlier and an animal wouldn't have gotten her. Or I could've held her and told her l loved her and then when she went out that night she wouldn't have run away. She would've felt warm and safe. Was she afraid when she tried to get off the deck? Was she looking for us? Looking for cover from something that scared her? Looking for the car so she could go home? Was she just disoriented and she walked through the slats? Did she push her way through? But if she pushed her way through, the drop was ten feet. Wouldn't they have found her? Then it had to be an animal. An owl? A coyote? I don't know what happened to her! Seven seconds and she vanished. What if I had gone down to look for her the next day? Maybe if she had fallen off the deck I could've found her. But hours upon hours had been spent looking for her and I believed she was gone. Now I lay awake at night and am tormented during the day thinking what if...what if she is still out there? What if I could have found her but instead she died in the rain? Afraid and alone. If you think I could've done more, please don't tell me. I can't bear it. I didn't tell our kids or anyone else what really happened. Everyone knows how sick she was with CCD. We are telling people she died overnight before my husband could bring her home. No one has questioned that she died overnight or how she died. She was a shell of her former self. We can never tell our kids what really happened. Because of our son's medical condition, the stress of hearing the devastating news of how she disappeared could actually affect his health and we don't want to take the risk. He would wonder, as we do, is she still out there suffering in the woods? Did an animal take her and she died that way? No matter how we look at it, she died a terrible death or is dying one now. She was a tiny thing...less than ten pounds. I can't imagine she is still alive. And yet I wonder. And my heart breaks for her. I just can't stand the thought of her being out there. The couple that watched her thinks we are terrible for not telling our kids and have told us that repeatedly. They feel we are putting them in a position of lying. We tell them we just aren't sharing all the facts. We believe she has died. What good will come from sharing about her disappearing? We are tormented as adults. What would knowing the circumstances do to our kids except torment them as well? Risk our son's health? Our daughter has cried until her eyes are practically swollen shut. Right now they believe she is gone, died from causes they haven't even asked about because they saw her decline. In their minds they know why she died without us saying a word. A dog friend is buried on the couple's property. They think she is buried next to him and that is the one fact we made up. But she is probably on the property somewhere. She will never come home and that breaks all of our hearts. We had to provide an explanation for that and the kids never questioned it...only cried that they wished she would've died at home so should could be buried here. It is a burden not to be able to share my torment with anyone. It's why I'm writing this. The couple that watched her and my husband are the only ones that know the anguish of how she was lost. The couple makes me feel bad every time I've talked to them because they keep telling me I'm lying and they feel it's the wrong thing not to tell the kids she vanished and we don't know where she is exactly or how she died, or even if she is really dead. I can't imagine she isn't. There are only a handful of neighbors spread out over acres and acres of woods. And my husband's heart is broken enough without me telling him how upset I am not knowing where she is. He always took such good care of her. Stood outside with her every time she went to the bathroom in our yard, and we live in a suburban area. He was always afraid a coyote or hawk might get her. He spent seven seconds checking for raccoons so they didn't harm her, he turned around, and she was gone. My poor husband. He is devastated. I can't tell friends because I'm too afraid someone will slip up and say something. I am going to take the circumstances of her death to my grave. Except here. I'm thankful that here I can share what happened with strangers...strangers who are somehow more than that because they know the grief of losing a pet they love. Our children are out of the home at the moment and it's the first time I've been able to really break down and cry about the terrible way she left us. I've read about dogs going off to die. Maybe she did that. But if she did, I believe it was because she was afraid and confused, not to spare our feelings. I just can't believe she is gone. And I can't believe she left this way. We owed her more than this. I wish I could go back and give her a comfortable transition...put her to sleep in my arms. Warm and safe in her own home. I looked into that option so I would be prepared if the time ever came. Prepared to have someone come to our house, versus taking her to the vet to be put to sleep. I wanted her to feel as loved and safe as possible if and when the time came. I thought she would live for years. Content. Not happy--as much as we wanted that for her. Not in pain. But content eating and sleeping and being loved by her family for several more years. I thought confusion is no reason to put her to sleep. The vets never even suggested it. They were happy she was eating. They said CCD is fairly common and we just needed to know that she won't be the same as she was before. But I think it may have been something else. Something they missed. How else could she have declined so rapidly? We will never know but I wish with all my heart that we could go back in time and spare her this terrible ending to her precious life. I just hope and pray she is already free from the confines of her body. That she went as quickly and as painlessly as possible. That somehow she was at peace when she passed. And I'm crying again because I know our sweet little bear didn't go peacefully in the rain on the dark night she vanished. Dear God, please help me bear this pain. Please, I pray, may our Little Bear be with you now. I am thankful for the gift that she was in our lives. I'm thankful to anyone who made it to the end of this post with compassion in their hearts for the pain we are in. If no one did, it still helped my heart to write it. May all who are grieving be blessed with peace. And if you are reading this, may you remember the blessing of the time you were able to share with those you love.
  4. My Sallie died on February 23, 2018. She was a standard poodle a few months away from 13 and she was getting older, she was lethargic and I could tell she had trouble with her hips. On Wednesday, two days before she died, my mom and I decided to take her to the beach. We had a beautiful glorious day running around, playing with her, and she was SO happy. Sallied hadn't really been to the beach before and she would occasionally reach down and eat sand or lick the water, whenever she did we would scold her. We spent about two hours on the beach and we were walking the whole time and never took our eyes off of her. Almost right after we left the beach she threw up, which we thought was normal, she's just trying to get the sand/salt water out of her system right? The following day she was fine, but towards the night she started throwing up even more. We called the vet and he said she's getting the sand out of her system and just don't give her any water so she can get it out. I woke on Friday to her crying and she managed to jump over the stool and get water. I felt bad, so I gave her the food and water bowl and went back to bed. Throughout the day on Friday we took her on walks and observed her, slowly gave her water and tried to feed her turkey (she wasn't eating anything). On Friday she threw up in the morning, but by the afternoon she wasn't throwing up and was just tired/sleepy. We thought she was resting and would sleep and eat and would be fine, she puked alot and all the sand seemed to have left her system. Towards the end of the day Friday, she looked fine, quite, but wasn't throwing up. So I decided to go to a dance performance and she was left alone for an hour (which I will always greatly regret). When my mom got back from the gym, she said Sallie was fine, not distressed, she drank water and rested. It wasn't until 10:30 that my mom noticed that she had took a turn for the worse, her health had so quickly declined. In the morning she was her normal self and now she could barley move. By a stroke of God, I made it home while she was still alive and just cuddled her, petted her, told her what a good dog she was. She shat herself and I just cleaned it up and kept near her. We carried her down to the car and rushed her to the ER, but she died on the way there, it was so peaceful that I hadn't even realized that she died. She just took her last breath. We will never know what Sallie died from, but a vet we spoke to, said a healthy, young dog, who ate some sand and drank a little water would've been fine. She must've been suffering from something else, cancer, liver failure, heart failure, and the beach just made whatever she had speed up. I will always regret that I didn't pamper her in her last day, but at least I was there, I really don't think I could've lived with myself if she died without me. I'm 17 and she has been in my life since I was 5, she was my family, my sister. I wished I had pampered her more in her last day and had spent her last hours with her, instead of her last minutes. But we truly didn't know she was dying. On Friday the decline was so quick, that I don't think a vet could've saved her. They would've stabilized her and we would either put her down (which I couldn't live with) or we would have to choose between surgery. If we had to choose surgery I don't know what we would've done. We couldn't afford it and the chances that she survived would be slim, she's old and the surgery would've been invasive, painful, and traumatizing. Would I put her through that, just so she could live a couple more months in pain? We should've taken her in sooner, but I find solace knowing that she died with me petting her and not in some scary clinic. She HATED the vet and getting her haircut. She died naturally and the choice for us as her humans was taken out of our hands and (not now), but I think I will soon feel relief over the fact that she had a beautiful last day, a painful couple of hours, and then just fell asleep. Sallie was amazing: she ran across a polo field during a game, she peed in a strangers shoe, she stole food from peoples bags and they never noticed. Was her life perfect? No. But think of all the other dogs out there, who die alone in clinics, with no one to love them. Or dogs who died before they were a ripe old age. She had a beautiful, full life, she knew I loved her and I wish she was still here with us, but I know she's watching over me. I love you Sallie.
  5. Dear All, My brother died last Sunday. The police came to our home at 9p.m. and said my brother was deceased. I couldn't argue with them, I couldn't save him, he had already died. That moment was the worst moment of my life. The 5 days after his death, we had to do all this planning for the funeral, arrange for family to come, all while I was in so much pain and shock. There was no moment to stop. I don't understand why I couldn't have stopped my brothers death. Why wasn't I given a sign to call him or to drive to his home and help him? I also am confused because he wanted to live and we wanted him to live, so why did he have to die? He was only 29. As his younger sister I'm just so confused, saddened and angry. I don't understand why he couldn't have just been sick and gone to the hospital. During adulthood, my brother pushed me away so we weren't in regular contact. Although I was frustrated, because I didn't know what I did wrong and I reached out numerous times, I accepted it because I assumed we would always be by each other. I just assumed he would always be alive with me. He's someone that I always assumed would take care of himself and be alright. He had that self-assuredness about him that he was always in control all the time. I don't understand. He was only 29, he wasn't suppose to die. Now, I'm just so overwhelmed and sad. I just want to lay in bed all day. The other half of my heart is gone and there's nothing I can do to bring him back. It all happened so quickly. He was alive and then he wasn't. That's not right. That's not fair. Now i'm so anxious because anyone can die at anytime. And my 4 person immediate family is suddenly 3 person. And we weren't prepared for this. I'm just so sad. I hope my beautiful brother was happy, and that he knows he was so loved. I miss his energy on this earth. At his wake, his friends wanted to speak with me. And I just couldn't. I just sat on the ground in another room most of the time and tried to drink water. One of them wanted my number so we could share stories of my brother, but my stories are from our childhood and teenage years. I didn't hang out with him a lot as an adult. Did I do something wrong? Should I have been closer with him as adults? My goodness, if I knew he was going to die I would have driven down to his apartment and forced him to sit and eat lunch with me and to become my best friend. I just don't understand why it was so sudden and why we couldn't say good bye to him. I'm just really sad and unsure what to do or think. I didn't expect this. My whole life is changed forever. I always protect my family and I couldn't protect him.
  6. Today marks 3 months since the funeral of my Mom, which my Father and I held on my birthday by my choice. She took her own life July 19th, while I was states away for work. This is shortly after I graduated from College and was just beginning to find work. I am 22. I feel as though I've lost her too soon. Just before I was getting to a time of my life where my relationship with her would only get closer. After the high school/college immaturity phase and the don't embarrass me phase. I'm holding an immense amount of guilt knowing that she had been struggling with depression for so long. She was extremely close to me more so than my Father and she was the parent I had my deepest conversations with about life and my heart. I've always been an emotional person and easily hurt. In many ways I see a lot of her in me. Shortly after her passing my girlfriend of 2 years had begun becoming very distant. We had a serious relationship in which both of us had talked about the future of us and had gotten promise rings to hold until she graduated. She wanted to finish school before an engagement and I respected that. I noticed her starting to become distant and I was beginning to cling onto her for hope and assurance for the future. She began saying that she was stressed with school and unsure of her own life and paths. She assured me that she didn't want us to split up but she needed to figure things out. We were long distance at this time since I had graduated and she still had a couple years in school and so after my Father and I created my Moms urn to spread her ashes I began to talk to her about me moving closer to her because I couldn't bare to be at home anymore emotionally. She was unsure of the idea of me moving without having a job locked down, but I assured her I'd be okay and I would find one and that I just wanted to be close to her. Within this time she continued to become distant contacting me less and less and becoming frustrated when I was clingy out more and more to talk to her. My emotions were so controlling I would ask her assurance for our own future more and more needing her to tell me that her and I would be together and that she loved me. She quickly began to start saying she didn't want to talk or that she was busy until one night she just said she needed a break from the conversation and that she couldn't constantly give me assurance. She also told me that maybe we can talk more about it Sunday when we were already planning to come up there for me to visit and find a place. That was the Monday before. After that night I messaged her the next day normally as I would seeing how she was doing and I never heard a response. During this week I was able to lock down an apartment and I called her to tell her the news. My calls went unanswered. I thought maybe she just needed space and I thought if it was really really bad surely she would say something to me before I drove up there. I reached out to a couple mutual friends and they agreed with my thought. Sunday in the beginning of September I drove there to move into the apartment and see her. It was a ten hour drive and when I got there I tried to call her to tell her I was outside of the dorm. She didn't answer her phone so I sent a text and she walked down. She broke the news to me first thing. She already had her friends up in her dorm so we couldn't hang out or anything as I asked her to lunch right when I arrived. She said she thought we should breakup and that she couldn't see herself being able to chase her goals and dreams within this relationship. I tried to apologize for how clingy and needy I had become and assured her that me moving up there is not to lock her down anymore it was simply to heal and to be close to her. I love her and I really saw a future of us together we were close and did almost everything together for 2 years. She asked me to stop trying to change her mind and so I hugged her and left in a hurry. That night I told the apartment complex the story and they allowed me to stay a night because I thought maybe she'd think about it some more. I never heard from her. The next day I talked to one of the mutual friends that had been in the room and they said she told them that her reasons were that the relationship was toxic that I was egotistical, manipulative, and controlling. This took a tremendous hit on me for I had no idea she felt this way and I began to self analyze and figure out what I did wrong. I was hurt and all I wanted to do was talk this out with her. I gave her space for a week and I sent a friendly text asking how she's doing. It went unanswered. Then I waited 2 weeks and sent another. No answer. During this time I had been writing an apology letter explaining that I had heard what she said and that I was sorry and I never meant her to feel that way. I expressed to her how much I care for her, love her, and want to be a part of her life if even just a friend. I also told her I was seeking counseling to help with grieving and to also seek some help on the things she said that maybe I did wrong. I decided I didn't want to send it to her address since it would get to her parents house first before college. So I called. She didn't answer and so I left a couple voicemails stating what I had to say in the letter. A day went by and I transcribed the letter into a Facebook message and sent it. She blocked me shortly after it sent. This completely destroyed any bit of strength I felt I had left. I felt alone in a new place and I don't know if I'm strong enough to get through it. I'm struggling to deal with the grief of now two things at the same time. One my mom and two someone I loved that I truly saw a future with. Thoughts of feeling that this girl is the last girl who would of had a relationship with my mom who would of known her personally is now also gone. Not only that but potentially never to be heard from again. This scares me. It's been 2 months since the breakup and 3 weeks since I got blocked. I feel left in the dark and I feel she doesn't even care what even happens to me. I'm mad at my heart for still caring for her so much after this and I can't stop my brain from stirring possibilities or thoughts from the past. It's like no matter where I look or put my mind to I reminded of either my Mom or her and I feel it's just so much I'm not quite sure how to handle it. I just want my brain to stop cranking and my heart to stop feeling so much. I have had long relationships in the past none of which I felt the desire to get promise rings with. I'm not someone who takes that lightly and when I promised myself I did it whole heartedly. I'm cracking on the inside with the fact of the very same person who promised back and loved me for so long is the same person that didn't come down for my moms funeral even though friends from states away came. I'm not sure if I would of talked to her that day if I hadn't messaged her first. I forgave this because I knew she lost someone to suicide in high school before I knew her, but I knew it hurt her and so I forgave her because I didn't want her to have this emotional termoil come back. Now though my counselor wants me to see those things and think about that. It just hurts. Because my brain sees it yet my heart is still full of love and hope. Even when there doesn't seem to be any. I'm not sure how to get through this one. My mom and I always were the ones to talk about the things like this and it's so hard me having to face that I can't just go see my mom or call her. Then to have this added to that just has me so lost in everything. Is there any guidance anyone can provide? Sincerely, Jason
  7. I am having a real hard time dealing with everything it's three months my mum left us.
  8. I responded to a post under "2 hard days in a row" and was writing about how I hear my father talking to me, and it is not a repetition of things he said to me when he was alive-it really is new comments. I just wonder if this is something that others have experienced and what that is like for them. Any comments?
  9. Okay so on July 3rd my girlfriend Amanda just ended our relationship of 7 months because I was "adding to much stress" onto her already stressful life, she just found out her dad has stage 4 stomach cancer and has 2 months to live, and has now ended our amazing relationship, we literally did everything together, we were so in love, she told me how much she loved me every single day and how she wanted to be together forever and wanted to get married and have kids, move in together, ect, ever since her dad got sick she hasn't been the same and we fought all the time just because I wanted to see her more, you see I went from seeing her every single day to maybe once a week and this was a hard adjustment for me, our relationship was incredible before all of this, we spent everyday together we loved all the same things, we were best friends and everything was heaven sent, we lost our virginities to eachother and that just made us feel 10x more connected and she used to say the sweetest things to me daily about how she wanted to be with me forever and how she loved me so much and how there's no one else she'd rather be with. so on July 2nd we got in a really bad fight and she was saying that she wanted to take a break and I was having a hard time accepting it and I told her just to think about it and she said she was going to watch a movie with her parents I get a text from her about 30 mins later saying basically that she still wanted to be with me forever and that she still loved me and that she wants this to work but it's not going to if I don't stop fighting with her.. so the next morning I ask her if she wanted to hangout before we work (we work together by the way) and she said no so I imeedatly felt bad and asked why and she said she wanted to take her time getting ready but she had already promised me previously that she would spend time with me that day, so I was hurt and I confronted her on it, then she said she was right about taking the break and broke up with me, I tried to beg for her back after work that night and she wouldn't budge, she then said she'd figure out what's best for her and she'd see if she wants to get back together when in the past she said if we ever took a break she promised we'd get back together... im just extremely heartbroken and sick from all of this, I don't understand why this is happening and how she can go from being head over heels in love with me to leaving me like I'm nothing.. ill explain the story in better detail if people can help
  10. I saw that some people had posted on here their stories and they helped me deal with what I'm going through. I think if I share my story maybe people can add some feed back for me or I could help someone. My boyfriend and I had been dating for over a year and we lived together as well. Everything was absolutely perfect between us. Everything about us just fit so perfectly. I had found my perfect person and he agreed. We had plans of getting married in the future. It was his first time moving out so he did struggle with himself sometimes. Financial things and just emotional things I guess. On our one year I noticed he was acting distant. Which isn't like him. He didn't have any plans or get a card or anything which is weird for him. So I let it go and never thought anything of it. Before the one year he mentioned it would maybe be best if we lived in different homes for a bit because he thought things were different. But things change when you love in together. So we talked and it was totally fine so I thought after that. He told me "in sorry. I love you so much and I'm not going anywhere" so June 5th he had to run to the hospital for his grandfather who had days left to live. I got upset because he didn't want to include me in things. We've never had a fight before and that day we just argued a bit. Both misunderstanding each other. He didn't talk to me for a day or two then let me know his grandfather had passed. That was all. I sent him messages telling him I love him. Whatever I could. He was very quite and never responded. A week later he called me after I asked him to and we talked totally normal and everything was good. I asked him what was upsetting him the most and we talked. I told him how I felt about him and the things I wanted to fix about how I handled things the day he left for the hospital / his parents. He said while crying "where was this all before?" After talking a bit he said he had to hang up and call me back. So he did. He then broke up with me over the phone. Saying "I still love you. I just can't do this anymore" while crying. I didn't understand. We were so in love and happy. He said I wasn't there for him when he has pushed me away saying he didn't want me to be. But I still tried to be. He didn't talk to me for two weeks. I sent him messages here and there to let him know I care and I love him. On his birthday I sent his gift and a card. He went behind my back and emailed my landlord the day before rent was due saying he wants off the lease and responsibility put on me.. He won't talk to the landlord or me. What so ever. His stuff is all still at home with me.. While he's been at his parents. I think they're trying to get into his head and convince him that this is best and to move back home. I think he's confused and acting out of anger and grief. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?? I'm completely heart broken and lost.
  11. On June 16th, I heard a frantic knock on my door. It scared me more than anything because it was after 10pm. I was shocked to see my sister and then suddenly panic when she told me to sit down, she needed to tell me something. My first thought was something had happened to one of my parents. I immediately started to panic. But, it wasn't my parents. My cousin Sarah had been in a terrible car accident that took her life. Sarah and I were barely 2 months apart. We grew up celebrating birthdays together, having sleepovers, and watching stupid scary movies that would terrify us to the point of not going to sleep. We cooked homemade sugar donuts and I nearly burned our house down. We went corsage shopping together for our senior proms. We would go on dinner dates or ice cream trips with our Mamaw, just the three of us. I have so many childhood memories with this girl, my very first best friend. My first reaction was "You're Lying", not that my sister would lie about someone we love dying. But then it was shear panic. My heart tightened up, my lungs exhaled and refused to inhale, my eyes did not want to stop crying. With shaking hands, I took to the Internet to find the article. She had been killed earlier in the evening leaving work. Ten days before her 31st birthday. A maroon SUV sped up to beat a red light. His speed was estimated to be 50-60mph according to bystanders. His SUV t-boned Sarah's Dodge Neon in the driver side door. Sarah was killed on impact and her body was ejected from the car. Bystanders, her co-workers, tried to revive her to no avail. Paramedics tried to revive her to no avail. She was pronounced at 6:20pm. When I found the article on Facebook and saw her car my mind started racing a million miles a minute and I was in a full blown panic attack. My sister didn't know many details but she did know that the other driver walked away without a scratch. The front of their SUV was barely damaged. But Sarah's car-totaled. Sarah-Dead. At the time I couldn't process anything. My brain simply would not work. I sat in shock until my fiance got home. At that time, I called my Mom. She gave me more details but was pretty tore up herself. Sarah was the second oldest of 6 children to my uncle Billy. However, Sarah was his baby girl. She was independent. She moved out into her first apartment not long after her 18th birthday. She had started working at UPS when we were in high school and that's where she was leaving from when the tragic accident took her life. Sarah cared about her parents, siblings, nieces, and nephew. She made sure that her uneducated father had what he needed be in material things or assistance with his bank account and bills. She bought and paid off her very first car with her own money, only needing her Dad to co-sign because of her age. She had, in recent years, purchased her first home. Sarah was working hard with three jobs to remain independent and able to assist her family. The one thing Sarah wanted most in life was a family of her own. Sarah never married. Sarah never got to have children. Normally, my grieving period would last for weeks. In the past, the loss of a loved one meant weeks of crying, sleeping, and deep, dark depression. I have struggled with depression since I was 16 and lost my Papaw. Now, I am diagnosed Bipolar (along with a list of other issues) but I am medicated and I decided that this time, I will not prolong my grieve. I will celebrate Sarah and the time she had with us. Also, I will fight for Sarah. See, the driver of the SUV was not charged for any violation. Not running the red-light. Not speeding. Not even charged for killing my young, beautiful, and thriving cousin Sarah. Instead of grieving in tears, laid in bed, I am joining a fellow co-worker and friend of Sarah's in his march for justice for Sarah and her family. Kenny has started a Change.com petition and a Facebook page titled Sarah's Law. Through research, we have learned that it is not a CRIME to cause an accident and kill someone unless you openly admit you caused the accident to kill the person OR you were intoxicated. Even at that point, the crime is not very punishable in our state. KRS 507.040 says vehicular manslaughter occurs when the operator of a motor vehicle wantonly causes death of another. That means reckless behavior caused an accident. How is running a red-light NOT reckless behavior? Was the driver impaired? We don't know. The police did not tell my uncle if he was tested for drugs or alcohol. Was the driver distracted by a cell phone, the radio, or a passenger? We don't know because the police did not investigate. They say Sarah was not wearing her seat belt. Anyone who knows Sarah knows this CANNOT be true. Sarah would not turn the engine over without the seat belt being locked in place. Did they investigate the seat belt to decide if it was not present beforehand? Perhaps, because of the speed being double that of the posted speed in the area, the impact snapped her seat belt. But did the police investigate this? No. What happened to the driver who caused the accident? He got to go home with someone who picked him up from the scene. And what happened to Sarah? Her lifeless body was placed in a body bag after two sets of people tried to revive her body. The police did not investigate the right way. They did not request information about the stop light activity at the time of impact. They did not blood test him for drugs, only field test for sobriety. They did not request documentation from his cell phone provider to link the phone activity to the time of the accident. We aren't raising awareness for police to learn their job better. We are rising awareness to get a law passed that if you run a red-light causing an accident that kills one or more passengers in the victim or offenders vehicle that it be punishable by law. His first citation should have been running the red-light. The second "charge" should have been vehicular homicide. Unfortunately, as stated in KRS 507.040, the driver has to basically admit their desire to want to cause bodily injury or death to the victim. Help me in my healing process, please take a moment to Like & Share "Sarah's Law" on Facebook. Also, please sign the petition to have a new law set into place which we would like titled Sarah's Law for those senseless drivers who run red-lights and kill other families loved one. The petition can be found by clicking here. Once we have reached our signature goal, Kenny & I will be submitting the petition to the Kentucky State House. We hope that they find our proposal important enough to start the process to pass into law. Once Sarah gets justice, I will be at peace with her death, but not a day before. I will not live in a depressed state but I will continue to push this movement with every fiber of my being. I thank you for your time. Picture: Sarah Nicole Wray, September 2015, bridesmaid at her best friend Stevy's wedding. Such a beautiful soul, inside & out.
  12. Hey, everyone. I need some help here, please. 7 weeks ago, I broke up with my depressed bf. We've been together for almost 3 years and I loved him so much. You know, that kind of love that's so warm, so comforting, so good to feel. It was great. Things started to derail when he lost two close family members last year, which contributed to his depression. I tried my best - for over a year - to support him, give him love and understanding. But his disease took its toll on me. Damn, depression is brutal! He drinks to cope with his pain and, for so many months, pushed me away the hardest he could. He seemed happy with everyone else, but me. I could feel I was losing him, I could feel him slipping through my fingers. And sadly, I'm the only one who realizes this (not even his freaking family acknowledge his depression). Well, he knows he's sick. But he won't seek for any kind of help. So I decided to break up, for my own mental sanity. He said we should go no contact, but, 3 weeks ago, started texting me again. Since the break-up, everything has been so tough. I can't find joy. I still feel this ache in my chest every single day. I miss him so much, all the time. I guess I was his rock, and now he doesn't have me, he started to see that alcohol and his friends aren't enough for him to cope with his never-ending pain. Did any of you go through something similar? Can any of you, please, tell me what I'm supposed to do? I can't stop talking to him - I'm pretty sure he will fall into a even darker place if he feels he's completely alone.
  13. Hello My Name is Shannon I am new to the forum. I lost my significant other of 6 years only 4 months ago. We shared 4 children together and life is just not the same. I cant figure out why I am numb, frozen and slowing down. Things have gotten very hard, I truly don't want to express how hard. The pain I feel is crazy but I keep striving to be positive and to also find a new identity in this process. Nothing is the same. I started a blog only a week ago called grievingd.com dedicated to him in hopes of finding other women(or anyone) who has lost their partner because I feel very alone in my battle I wanted to express my feelings truthfully and freely amongst individuals in hopes to connect and help heal. I lost Damian to murder so connecting with people who understand that part as well were my hopes. Id like to hear other stories and also have the wisdom of others as well. Hopefully this site can give me this , but I would love for other women to connect and share their stories as well and hear me vent lol...
  14. My boyfriend and I knew each other 3 years. We had a wonderful relationship, and had just returned from an amazing international vacation. He was looking forward to being the best man in his brother's wedding and possibly deploying again in the near future. I found out I was pregnant before he passed. He was so supportive and said "We will get through this" and he held me all night. The last text I sent him was that I had an ultrasound this week or next to find out exactly how far along I was. Unfortunately, that Thursday he was found dressed for work in his bed with a tank of gas next to him. The medical examiner wanted to rule it a suicide, but we believe it was an accident since he had not been depressed or anything like that. Anyone who talked to him that week said he was pleasant and happy. He had even just submitted his military orders. I just keep going back in my mind blaming myself and questioning "Why?!" The crazy part of all of this is that I was much further along than originally quoted by my doctors. I had the baby just 2 days before his funeral, even though she wasn't due for another month. Fortunately, she is happy, healthy, and looks like her dad. I'm still in shock over all of this, and would love any insight or advice for coping.
  15. Two months after the diagnosis of pancreatic cancer, my Dad died on March 5th of this year. During those two months, I cried, yelled, hugged him and and let him know it was ok to go. I thought the early grieving would make it easier, but the heartfelt pain is intense. Some days seem foggy, detached from life, alien. Other days, I feel pain more clearly and want to hide away like a wounded dog. Even though everyone experiences death at some point, it seems like no one understands my pain. This is especially hard as it brings up memories of my Brother's death years ago. i've heard that, to the extent that we experience the pain defines our capacity for joy after. My question is, how and when does the pain start to subside? I know it's a natural process, different for everyone, but what is acceptance like? Is it the slow process of filling our lives around the hole that is left or does there come a day when we know we've fully accepted what happened or both? Would like to hear from others going through this process or have made it to a peaceful place...
  16. Almost a year after my father's death, I find myself here. While I am doing better in many ways, I find that my support systems aren't great. I'm 20, married and in college (an uncommon occurrence, I know). While my husband is trying his best and can be very supportive, he still has trouble understanding that grief has no distinct timeline. He wants me to get on antidepressants, and while I agree it might be the better option, he is telling me to do it for the wrong reasons. "How long do you want to feel this way?" is a common thing he tells me. Other than my husband, I have few or no support systems. My brother would rather not talk about it with me, despite enduring the same loss. My father's side of the family has never quite been "there" for me, even before my father died. This may be because I look like my mother, who is an alcoholic. While she is taking steps to recover, my relationship with her is not good because of her actions. I have few friends, and because I'm in college (and have a diabetic cat), I can't often travel to see a friend who might make the process a little easier. My father died due to complications of diabetes (which he had since he was 20-something years old) and alcoholism (which he took up in the last few years of his life). Someone told me my father was turning to alcohol in the early part of my first year of college. He had to go back to rehab due to a relapse, and I asked my aunt to to tell me when he got out. In April, I didn't visit during Easter because I hadn't heard anything about my father's release yet. It was on Easter day that he died, due to low blood sugar and not attending to it, in his home. They found him two days later. My own family did not notify me of my own father's death; rather, it was my father-in-law, who worked on the police department and saw the forensic photos. Since this time, my anxiety has peaked considerably. When I think of my future, I become scared. I fear that my anxiety will keep me from obtaining or doing well at a job (ironically). I've also had some major depression. My counselor seems to think I'm doing well because my grades haven't dropped, but I feel she fails to see through the mask. I'm doing well simply because I'm afraid to faulter and not be as good as I can be. I feel crushed under the weight of expectations and having to live up to them, yet I do it anyway. I think my own mental health has suffered as a result, because I have failed to grieve properly. I wanted, so badly, to ignore the issue. My father was the first person I've ever lost that I had a close connection to. I knew he was going to die, but he died too soon. He was only 47. I'd like to hear about the roughest times in your grief, and the strange, strange mental state that grief put you in. I feel very alone in this, and it's hard to talk to my husband about it when he hasn't experienced grief or a loss. He says he understands, but when I talk to him about what I feel, he sometimes looks at me like I'm an alien with foreign emotions. I don't know. Please share your experiences, and any useful advice. Have any of you experienced something similar? Anxiety? Depression? Trying to live up to what you're "supposed" to do? An unexpected death? How has it affected you? Have you felt like no one understood what you were going through (as cheesy as that sounds, it's true!)? Share anything and everything.
  17. Hi there. I'm new to this forum but not to the experience of grieving the loss of someone I loved very much. I'd been dating my boyfriend of 4 and a half years when he died while hiking the Appalachian trail. We'd been living together with some roommates but planned to get a place of our own and, very likely, would have gotten married in the future. He was 28 years old. Now I'm 28 and life has been difficult since he passed. Its been 2 years and I've struggled on and off again, mostly with the moving on in another romantic relationship, but also in self identity without him in this "new" life that I have. I began dating a man I've known for years but was also very good friends of my late boyfriend. We struggled with the morality of the relationship but have since overcome these issues and have developed a fairly serious relationship. It's been about a year and a half and most of the time I'm happy and feel in love and excited about the future. I am experiencing occasional lack of libido and some numbness in our relationship. I still have some feelings of guilt but I believe most of these feelings are because I occasionally can't believe the man I loved most in the world and envisioned being my husband and soul mate is now dead. I get very depressed about that idea and feel numb when I think about my current relationship. My new partner is aware I have these feelings at times and tries to be supportive but it doesn't seem to be getting better. I was wondering if anyone has any experiences similar to this and have any advice. I want to move on with my life and I'm deathly afraid I'll never be able to feel what I felt with him, even though I know he would want me to. Thanks, Em
  18. I said goodbye to my cat of 13 years, Urdwill, at the pet hospital this morning. He had multiple cancer tumors and I did not want him to have to go through invasive surgery. Yesterday when I visited him for an hour, he mewed, we cuddled, he rubbed his cheek against mine, and he fell asleep with his head on my hand. Today he acted as though I was a stranger, and simply stared fixedly ahead of him, as though he saw something we could not. The very kind and sensitive vet gave him an injection of medicine that made him sleep, then the killing dose; his passing was immediate, peaceful, and pain-free, as I had prayed it would be. I've been up since around 3am and I am so exhausted I can barely function, even though it is only 4pm here in Santa Fe, NM now. We had a wonderful 13 years together, Urdwill and I, and he was the last of my animals to pass away (I had 2 dogs before him and 2 dogs after I got him, all of whom are now dead). I must focus on what we had, not his last moments. But the child in me feels that somehow Urdwill got sick and died because I did not do something for him that I should have. And I feel as though I've been disemboweled. My heart goes out to all of you who are mourning a pet. Non-petlovers don't understand what it is like, how strong and deep the bond can be between human and pet. My body misses Urdwill--misses touching him, stroking his fur, feeling his weight on my lap and in my arms, hearing his loud purr and feeling the vibration of it. Often he would climb into bed with me, and his furry butt would push up against my side, keeping me warm. (And next morning he would have somehow managed to completely take over the middle of the bed, pushing me to the very margins!) I refuse to be ashamed of my grief. I love you, Urdwill. Goodbye, sweet boy.
  19. I really need some help because I feel terrible and I don't know how I am going to get over this situation. I try to rescue stray dogs to then find them a happy home and I have tried to find a home for a Golden Retriever for 6 months. He has been in a pet care for months and every two days I went with my French Poodle to pick him up and take them for a walk. Today, I was outside a Vet with my little French Poodle, The Golden and a little Cocker my brother rescued. Everything was ok and I have them with their own leash. Suddenly, my little dog growled at the Golden and jump over hgim to attack him. The golden just put his body above my dog and I separated them almost immediately. The problem is that my dog fell unconscious with his tongue outside the muzzle. The Vet tried to save him, gave him a shot, reanimated him and nothing. He died. I feel terrible. He was my best friend, my partner and my life. I feel I could have prevented this from happening and this makes me feel guilty and misserable. My dog was 7 years old and had lung and heart failure that made him snore, have breathing attacks and get tired easily after running. I don't know if it was a combination of all these problems and if he wasn't going to be able to life fro many more years and these problems caused his heart attack. I really need some advice and support because this dog was the best thing in my life. I have OCD and my life has been horrible for years and this little dog gave me moments of great happyness. My mental condition makes this tragedy tougher and I don't know what to do. This was just the last straw to complete my misserable life. I wasted my twenties, I have no friends, no job, not life. My dog was the creature that cared the most about me and loved me with all my problems unconditionally. He was my best and only friend. He was my life and the one that brightened my life. Could you please help me? I am desperate. I am losing my mind. Thank you very much in advance for your answers.
  20. It was about three weeks since Lily’s death and we were in Wanaka, visiting my brother and his partner, leaving my sister back in Auckland. One night while I was there, I woke up after having a dream of Lily. In the dream Lily simply said, “Tell Lou I’m sorry I wasn’t there”. So not thinking much of it, I was prompted to call my sister, Louise. I asked her how she was and she said she was fine, although she said she had been to a funeral the previous day. She had managed to get through the service with dry eyes until the end when someone got up and read the very same poem that she, my sister, had read for Lily at her funeral, three weeks earlier. At this point she lost it and could hold back the tears no longer. Lily had obviously been with her at this funeral, trying to let her know that she was still there with her. Lots of love, Erica The poem read: “Death is nothing at all, I have only slipped away into the next room I am I and you are you, whatever we were to each other That we are still, call me by my old familiar name Speak to me in the easy way you always used Put no difference into your tone Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow Laugh as we always laughed At the little jokes we always enjoyed together Play, smile, think of me, pray for me Let my name be ever the household word that it always was Let it be spoken without effort, without the ghost of a shadow in it Life means all that it ever meant, it is the same as it ever was There is absolute unbroken continuity What is death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you for an interval somewhere very near Just around the corner, All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost One brief moment and all will be as it was before How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!” by Canon Henry Scott-Holland
  21. My family has suffered another sad death this week: my 62 year old cousin passed away yesterday from mestatic breast cancer-her 3rd fight with breast cancer. It's so sad because of how hard she fought to beat it 3 times. We come from a very large clan & her family are all like siblings to my family. Friday I had called her sister to tell her I'd be up this coming Saturday to bring a shoe box of photos of their family & our other cousins, I'd found while sorting all Mom & Dad's so her & her sister & other family could enjoy them while Denise was still alive. She said Denise had been having some pretty decent days even with hospice coming in every day & that they'd look forward to seeing the photos. Guess now we can look at them after the funeral. A bit surreal is that her funeral is Friday-exactly 3 months after my Dad died. It's going to be a really tough day & I don't know exactly how to deal with all these different emotions. Was just getting a grip on Dad's death but I have a tough time on many Fridays [THE day, not the date] as it is. I know Dad & the rest of our angel family were there to greet her. My parents were her God parents & Mom is taking this very hard too; she's in Houston with some of my sisters & can't get back so another sister, a brother & I will be representing our family. OH & we also got the news that my Mom's last living sister in law is in critical condition after a fall this week & it's not looking good. Oh & on Valentine's Day we get to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of my best friend's death. I'll actually be travelling to Kansas City with 20 friends & former co-worker to send up gold crown balloons in front of the Hallmark Crown Center to celebrate her life & how we all met [working for Hallmark corporate]. Thought 2013 was going to be better & not filled with death.
  22. This Friday will mark 5 months since Dad's death. Seems so long & so short at the same time. I've noticed that I fee like I've changed, emotionally, since that day & not necessarily in a good way. I'm more serious, more cynical.We don't entertain as much as we used to-I tell myself that all our friends are really busy too I've lost my spirit, my spunk-the spunk has turned more into bitchiness sometimes. I've lost my light & my creativity-my craft & art supplies are dusty. I don't put up with the junk I used to. Yet, I'm softer-I cry more easily at sweet or simple things. Yes, I'm on a very low dose of an anti depressant because my dr. insists that I'm NOT depressed but still grieving. I can no longer talk about Dad to my friends as most have told me to "get over it. Move on. He's dead what more do you want him to do?" [yes the person I thought was one of my best pals told me this after he promised me that he & his wife would help out whenever they could-nice huh?]. I do exercise & eat right, only have an occasional glass of wine or margarita. BUT I so miss my Dad!! Is this normal-people changing like this? When will I get my spark back? Along with Dad's death I've been dealing with Mom coming back North after spending the winter with my sisters in Texas & her dementia really progressing to the point where we are discussing options for her to move to an assisted living facility. Also dealing with a co-worker [i work in a 2 person non-profit organization] whom I barely tolerate because of her many many professional & personal issues so I"m quietly looking for a new job. Also: my only chld/daughter, who's 20, announced she's getting married next summer. Most nights I just want to crawl into a cave & hide.
  23. As it gets closer to the 1 yr mark for Dads death I find myself really thinking hard about "if only I had known what I know now of what will happen in October at this time last year"... I would force Dad to get to a dr to be really checked out, I'd be up there constantly watching them both, I'd be forcing Mom to go to the Dr & get the diagnosis of her dementa & start making plans. Most of all I'd sit both of them down & ask SO MANY QUESTIONS & make sure I recorded them. I found out even more about Dad AFTER his death that I had no clue about when he was alive. Being the youngest of the family everyone sheltered me from things & perhaps unintentionally unincluded me in things. I want to go back & talk to him one more time. Normal? I really didn't think it would affect me this hard so early-I knew that week would be hell but not this soon.
  24. Dad died Oct. 26 last year. Mom JUST got diagnosed with dementia so we'll be moving her to assisted living at the end of the month & selling her house. This weekend we're having a yard sale to start selling 64 years worth of memories & belongings. We've been slowly bringing things home from there as I we want them. Today one of my sisters called to ask what pieces of Mom's silver do I want? As Mom has so much & it's always been in the hutch or buffet I have no idea plus I was at work studying a new collection of pottery not thinking of silver. But within 1/2 hour it hit me: "This is it. We are slowly dispersing, amongst ourselves, Mom & Dad's life. It's not staying at that house. Mom & Dad will never need it again. Mom will never see it again. There will never again be any of my family there [after the house sale]; Dad will never feed his squirrels, Mom will never swing on the front porch again nor will any of our kids." Will Mom remember all of these memories? How long before she forgets it all? I also started wondering what Dad would think of all this-if he'd be ok with Mom's moving-we found out from papers he'd written that he'd suspected the dementia several years ago but didn't want her diagnosed & treated differently. And it hit once again-9 months later & the pain still comes back.
  25. Memorial weekend will mark the 6 month mark since Dad's death. A bit of an ironic "holiday" this year I think. As we'll be trying to visit all our other families' graves we'll also be getting ready to have Dad's headstone finally put on the grave. That seems to be like a final marker for me at least-so far all that marks his "spot" is a metal butterfly garden stake I put there & the broken sod; sometimes I could drive to that cemetary to visit other graves & pretend his didn't exist so it must not be true, right? I'd thought I was doing Sooo good with this grief stuff, even thinking that I didn't really need the very mild anti depressant the dr. gave me. Nope. Now I am to the point where I am going to look for a counselor. I have developed a lot of anger towards people since some of my closest friends have shown that they're not good dealing with "people like me"-I STILL keep getting told to "quit talking about your Dad, he's dead. Is there anything really to talk about?" by a "close friend" & co-worker I even considered a brother. He even told me since I came back to work the day after the funeral that it couldn't have been that bad if I came back that soon. Maybe I shouldn't have gone back that week but we depend on every dime & hour of my paycheck. I'm dealing with so much stress & issues at work that there is anger from that. Mom's has declined to the point where we are discussing other living options & knowing that in the next few months we will be selling Mom & Dad's house of almost 50 years & moving her & dealing with that. My only daughter gets married next summer & she wanted her Grandpa there so much-that's the one thing she'd ever dreamed of: dancing with Grandpa at her wedding. She & her fiance even went to the grave [how I have come to HATE that word!] & "told Grandpa we have to do this without him". I WANTED MY DAD THERE to see his favorite grand child walk down that aisle. Even as he recovered from his stroke he'd tell me "I know Allie's going to be a bride someday and I'll be there to walk her down to meet that boy.I promise you." My parents helped me raise her until she was 6 & out of all 18 grandchildren she was his favorite. I still cry every night.I relive that whole last week constantly-I am so afraid I'm forgetting the sound of his voice & the touch of his hand. And I'm angry at myself for not knowing my Dad better when he was alive-I'm learning more about him from my siblings, stuff I never even knew about him & I get so mad at myself for not knowing more-why didn't I push him to talk to me more?!! with me he was quiet & would show me things more & tell me he liked just sitting without saying anything why the hell didn't I make him talk? Why was I so d*** selfish to just accept his not talking?!!!!! I was his last daughter-I should have done more!!!! I don't tell my husband any of this-he has to listen enough to my venting about my job & dealing with Mom's situation. This is MY pain. I just want him back. I want my Mom back to before the dementia invaded her body. I want to hold his hand one more time. And I thought all this grief stuff would be over by now.
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