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  1. Hello, I'm 25 years old and I lost my mom almost 2 months ago... I find myself unable to cope much less function since it happened so I wondered if anyone has some advice they could share with me... It's my first loss. My mom was my best friend, my mentor and the person I valued most. We shared everything, we had similar tastes, we confided in each other and we were both childlike, enjoying video games and cartoons together. She knew how to find pleasure in the little things in life but was also a big planner for the future. She was a very loving and generous person. We were absolutely inseparable. In september 2019 she told me she had back pains, I thought it was some sort of lumbago, and she agreed. I didn't think much of it because my mom didn't seem in pain, only mildly uncomfortable. As the months went on her ability to walk diminished, she went from walking fine, to sitting most of the time, to unable to get up .We suggested to get a doctor multiple times and she refused in a way I've never seen her, hostile and hardheaded. She yelled at us that all was under control, and she never complained about the pain thus far. My mother was always a calm and quiet person, so yelling was completely out of character. Thus we noticed bit by bit how her personality shifted. Was it depression? Was it the stress, the frustration? Was it the pain? We didn't know Fast forward to 2020, when Covid is rampant. We got her a psychiatrist to come and visit her at home since we suspected she had depression. When the doc arrived (against my mom's wishes) she acted like she normally did, very polite and smiling until she let something slip- that she had a mass on her back we were unaware of. Sure enough the psychiatrist goes to take a look, again despite mom's wishes, and is completely taken aback in horror- my mom had a huge external tumor... Our family was in shock. We were completely frozen. Suddenly the little mannerisms of covering herself up, going to bed really early made sense. Once we knew we dealt with something serious we rushed her to several hospitals numerous times only to be turned down again and again... no surgery... no radiotherapy.... no nothing. Nothing could be done... It was Cancer that had metastasized. Nobody even taught me how to take care of my mom and her tumor but I did it as best as I could with some advice the nurses gave me. It was a traumatizing sight and it was all my responsibility. I changed her bloodied bandages 2 times per day and tried my best not to cry in front of her. I saw my mother get slimmer and slimmer, her once brilliant mind getting duller. I can't imagine how she felt, the pain she was going through... the fear. I felt like an utter failure, I was extremely close to my mother and never even noticed something more was going on. The last few months with her were heartwrenching. She passed away in our home, surrounded by my dad, my brother and myself. She was only 67. Since then I've been reliving the loss every day, blaming myself for all that happened but not once was I angry at her. My mom did what in her mind was right, always... and she paid the ultimate price for trying to spare us pain... in the few times she was able to talk she told us she made a mistake by wanting to do everything alone. I love my mother dearly and I can barely believe I'm living in a world without her. I'm still trying to see if there is a way to wake up from this nightmare. Until the very last breath she took we all hoped for a miracle... we all once had faith in a higher power. Since I lost her I lost that faith and a reason to keep going... life seems so empty and meaningless when I can't share it with the person I love the most. With every sunny day, every pretty flower I see, I miss her even more. She wanted me to be happy but how can I, having seen her succumb to that terrible thing on her back...im still in shock. I dont know how i can keep going. Thank you for having read everything, I know it's long but I'm still reliving the loss over and over again vividly. Words aren't enough to express what my mom meant to us, and the pain we all went through but I tried my best to be factual. How can I keep going when I feel so guilty for not having insisted with her...how can I make sense of my life now... Thank you again for taking the time to read, it means a lot to me.
  2. I lost my 11 year old pug Shrek on Saturday morning 8/1/15. Shrek is diabetic and blind due to cataracts. In February he developed pneumonia and has been battling a chronic cough. He seemed fine on Thursday. I took him for a car ride which he loves and he ate fine etc. Friday I came home from work and noticed he seemed to be breathing harder due to his coughing. I gave him one of his pills prior to bed but he woke up at 12:30 panting again. I took him out to the couch and we fell asleep while i was petting his head. I woke up out of nowhere at 5 am and I think he had just passed away. He was warm and limp. I am completely devastated. I cant stop crying. Every little think reminds me of him. I dont want to be awake, eat, sleep, I just dont know what to do with myself. I feel empty inside. Shrek has been with me through my worst times of my life and the best. He was truly my best friend. I have never lost a close family member so this is my first real loss and I feel so lost. I believe I will see him again in Heaven. I recently bought a book called Cold Noses at the pearly Gates by Gary Kurz. I just began reading it in hopes for some form of comfort. I hate leaving the house knowing when I come home he wont be here. One thing that does give me comfort is my other pug Fiona. She has been with us for about five years. She is a rescue and about 11. She doesn't seem to be depressed but im still worried for her. I am thankful to found this site. I hope to find some comfort and welcome any advice. Kind regards Rachal Outlook.com.zip
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