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Showing results for tags 'forgiving'.
On Sunday my sweet Clarice, 16 year old mini long-haired dachshund was killed by a car. She was blind and while we don't have a fence, she was old and didn't walk far to do her business... unless you stopped paying attention. Then she would wander off because she was a brave little soul and she trusted us to watch out for her. My husband took her out and got distracted. She walked into the road and was hit by a car; I believe she died instantly, though we rushed her to the emergency vet. My heart has never been so broken, not just because I lost her when she was perfectly healthy (we had just had a check up) and had many more years with us, but mostly because I don't know how to trust my partner ever again. This is my worst nightmare come to life. I want to stop remembering her limp body as we rushed her to the vet. I want to go back in time and stop this from happening. The person I most love and trust in the world hurt me. She should still be here. If anyone has anything they can say to help, I would be grateful. I don't want to blame him, I want to call it a horrible accident, but I don't know how. I plan to put a memorial in the yard. I also immediately called two fence installers to get estimates. None of it stops the pain. Thank you for this work you do, Kim
Eight months have passed since my husband died, of septic encephalopathy. We were married for 53 years. His body had been failing for 3 years, and together we spent many hours and nights in emergency wards and hospital rooms. He was 75, paraplegic from polio when he was 6. In his last 3 years he had developed loss of function in multiple systems: heart blockages, myasthenia gravis, diabetes, lymphedema, osteomyelitis. He survived these impacts because he had such strong care giving from myself and our two adult children. He was an artist--metalsmith, jeweler, craftsman, sculptor, painter. I suppose that many (not all) creative people can concentrate on their art by being self-absorbed. By being manipulative, selfish, "using" other people, flirting and charming admirers, never feeling the need to apologize or admit errors. I married him because I believed we were alike; I painted, wrote poetry and essays, loved all the arts. As our relationship developed, I became not only his caregiver and financial support, but a dedicated enabler of his narcissism. In the turmoil and sorrow of his final suffering (trauma from his confused speeding in a power wheelchair over a curb, being propelled out of his chair, multiple injuries) I persisted on a path of self-awareness, trying to forgive him and myself for what we did to each other. At 77 and physically deteriorating, I knew I could not possibly give him what he wanted: to come home and be nursed by us. My adult children had lives and families and work to attend to. He was massively overweight; I could not put him on bedpans or move him onto wheelchairs. He told people I did not love him; he did not want to die in a nursing home. I mentioned all this in some previous topics. Since then, I have allowed myself to release some emotions. All those years of denying how I felt. Immersing myself in my children, my job, our financial needs. In the needs of my aging parents. It is scary to feel. It's scary to realize how stupid I was. It's scary to be angry, and sad. I think I have finally reached a point where I can start to forgive him. He survived great physical difficulties by manipulating. I can understand that. And I am beginning to understand how my early development in an emotionally distraught family led me to think I had to take control of circumstances around me to stop the chaos. Now I am alone. And I have to find myself. Make my own decisions. Make a life. Finally to see aloneness and age as positive factors. Able to create my own art. Able to let go my guilt about my middle-aged children's problems because I did my best as a parent and they are their own people. Able to write poetry. To put paint on a canvas, which I haven't done since 1970. I thought I would travel, but the virus stopped that. I never thought how much energy this would require. Sometimes I feel everything at once--rage, extreme sadness, ashamed. And I need to walk away, take a long nap, or immerse myself in an audio book, just to shut out the noise in my heart. It makes me very very tired.
Hi guys, Im new here so bare with me please as I learn my way around this site. But anywho, my dad passed away two weeks ago and Ive been through all the emotions and guilt is overpowering everything. To be perfectly honest, I feel like I failed my dad. My dad had stage 4 colon cancer but died from septic shock due to his liver failing. I never realized how sick he was and he never told me. Since we found out in stages how bad he was doing, I was able to apologize and really tell my dad how much I loved him and I have apologized but in a general sense and he told me there was nothing to be sorry about but as the days go on, I feel like I wasnt there enough. Im 20 and in my third year of college so yes, I couldnt always be there and he understood that because he was so proud that I was in school but that doesnt justify it for me. My parents divorced when I was 9 but separated since i was 7 and all i can see in my mind is my dad sitting at home alone. My parents became friends and she helped take care of him but sometimes she would think he was annoying so if we saw him at the store she would wait till he walked by because she didnt want to talk. Well, that breaks my heart looking back at it. I didnt mind talking to my dad but I understand why she didnt want to but i cannot get it out of my mind. He deserved so much more! How dare I?! And lastly, I have an older brother who is 47 (my dad was 70) and he recently came back into my dads life and for time purposes, no one trusted him. No one, my father included. Well we got into an argument a few days after my dad passed and I feel like my dad was given piece of sh!t kids and I feel so bad. I feel like I should have loved him more and when I say that, i dont mean I didnt love him because I do so much but he deserved more. I apologize for the novel but I cant escape my mind.