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It's been a while since I've been on here. It's been 16 months since Dad passed away & on Valentine's day it was the 2 yr mark since my best friend left us all. I have continued to struggle & fight this grief thing including taking a mild anti depressant & now taking more of the anti anxiety pills as I have had even more periods of anxiety. I have had HORRIBLE STRESS with my job, planning my daughter's July wedding, some volunteer activities even. Next week I'm finally going to start the process of seeing a therapist-I've been using my husband's shoulders to cry on long enough & last week I felt I was having a melt down. I know a lot of the depression can be attributed to the winter weather & no sun & horrible temps, etc. BUT Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck missing Dad & Donna. Not a day goes by I don't think of Dad at least especially as the wedding gets closer & we're reminded that my Dad always told my daughter he couldn't wait to dance with her on her special day. I have started wondering if something happened to my spiritual side with these losses. I have forced myself to go to church exactly twice [besides a couple funerals] since Dad's funeral & my heart feels hard or empty when I think of God-is that possible? I so want to be open to all that again but it's like that side is gone. Does that make any sense? I see people's pictures and posts on facebook about loving God & all these great things & I don't feel any of that! I used to I know. Also, can physical belongings tie you to the grief? If so, what happens if you get rid of them. As I type this I'm looking at 2 pictures on my wall that I bought during a road trip with my best friend. Each time I see them some great memories of her come back at the same time that I tear up. My husband & I both want to change the decor in this room & those things wont' look good when we do but I hate to toss them. I don't find them that attractive any more but besides a couple small photos of her & my memories they are the ONLY thing I have of her left. I'm afraid if I give them away I'll have nothing to remind me of her even as I know I get a bit sad sometimes seeing them. I was ok getting rid of a lot of Dad's things because I have so many other things-like my Daughter's smile or even just my Mom to keep memories of him alive. With Donnna I don't - a few photos. Is it ok if I take these pictures down? Will I still have her?
My family has suffered another sad death this week: my 62 year old cousin passed away yesterday from mestatic breast cancer-her 3rd fight with breast cancer. It's so sad because of how hard she fought to beat it 3 times. We come from a very large clan & her family are all like siblings to my family. Friday I had called her sister to tell her I'd be up this coming Saturday to bring a shoe box of photos of their family & our other cousins, I'd found while sorting all Mom & Dad's so her & her sister & other family could enjoy them while Denise was still alive. She said Denise had been having some pretty decent days even with hospice coming in every day & that they'd look forward to seeing the photos. Guess now we can look at them after the funeral. A bit surreal is that her funeral is Friday-exactly 3 months after my Dad died. It's going to be a really tough day & I don't know exactly how to deal with all these different emotions. Was just getting a grip on Dad's death but I have a tough time on many Fridays [THE day, not the date] as it is. I know Dad & the rest of our angel family were there to greet her. My parents were her God parents & Mom is taking this very hard too; she's in Houston with some of my sisters & can't get back so another sister, a brother & I will be representing our family. OH & we also got the news that my Mom's last living sister in law is in critical condition after a fall this week & it's not looking good. Oh & on Valentine's Day we get to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of my best friend's death. I'll actually be travelling to Kansas City with 20 friends & former co-worker to send up gold crown balloons in front of the Hallmark Crown Center to celebrate her life & how we all met [working for Hallmark corporate]. Thought 2013 was going to be better & not filled with death.