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Hi everyone. I lost my dear girlfriend Z. nearly 7 months ago when she was killed in a car accident. At the point of accident, I had several very close friends. Like, I-disclose-everything-in-my-life kind of close. Then came the crush. They all were really trying to differing extents. At first, I thought I just wanted to be with those others who were also friends with Z. The idea of sitting together with my then-close friends, trying to chat and me being totally crushed felt so out of place. Likewise, I was having a really hard time with talking on the phone in general (actually I still do) and replying the messages (this one I got over selectively), which became a real cause of disconnection especially from two of my friends who were living abroad. Though I should say that being in the same country didn't make much difference back then. Now, after seven months I can see that it wasn't just a technical problem, like me being unable to use the mediums of connection. I felt disconnected inside, because what happened in my life suddenly destroyed my way of seeing the world, which was the main thing that brought us together in the first place. I think I just couldn't bear the thought of seeing the life I was part of simply going on without much change. And it is going on. I can see the heart-shaped and smiley comments they exchange on Facebook, their angry posts about politics, their carefree photos displaying their good moments in those countries they live. As you can see, it still makes me kind of resent. First, I resented that their life didn't change at all and refused to connect with them, and now I think I resent that they are okay with me being out of the picture. In fact, I noticed that one of them came to visit the country (and the very city) I live in with his boyfriend, and did not even attempt to let me know. He wanted his visit to be about sharing his home country with his partner I'm guessing. Maybe the other one came too and I don't know. Am I angry? I'm not sure. I am the one who abandoned them in the first place. But I feel surprized to see that I was so dispensable. These were people that I thought we would be friends until the end of our lives. Now I'm not even sure myself that I want to be friends with them. Maybe they feel the same about me, which then feels really unfair because in all of these there is so little I can help with. On the other hand, some others kept checking on me once in a while, and after all these months, I'm starting to feel gratitude for knowing that I can still have them in my life, if I can just figure out what kind of a person I am now. It's just tiring. Not being able to decide what to think. Am I blaming them, not blaming them, am I blaming myself? Am I letting go, or am I gonna take some action? Do I want to take any action? There is this strong feeling of uneasiness in me, which I don't know how to resolve.
Memorial weekend will mark the 6 month mark since Dad's death. A bit of an ironic "holiday" this year I think. As we'll be trying to visit all our other families' graves we'll also be getting ready to have Dad's headstone finally put on the grave. That seems to be like a final marker for me at least-so far all that marks his "spot" is a metal butterfly garden stake I put there & the broken sod; sometimes I could drive to that cemetary to visit other graves & pretend his didn't exist so it must not be true, right? I'd thought I was doing Sooo good with this grief stuff, even thinking that I didn't really need the very mild anti depressant the dr. gave me. Nope. Now I am to the point where I am going to look for a counselor. I have developed a lot of anger towards people since some of my closest friends have shown that they're not good dealing with "people like me"-I STILL keep getting told to "quit talking about your Dad, he's dead. Is there anything really to talk about?" by a "close friend" & co-worker I even considered a brother. He even told me since I came back to work the day after the funeral that it couldn't have been that bad if I came back that soon. Maybe I shouldn't have gone back that week but we depend on every dime & hour of my paycheck. I'm dealing with so much stress & issues at work that there is anger from that. Mom's has declined to the point where we are discussing other living options & knowing that in the next few months we will be selling Mom & Dad's house of almost 50 years & moving her & dealing with that. My only daughter gets married next summer & she wanted her Grandpa there so much-that's the one thing she'd ever dreamed of: dancing with Grandpa at her wedding. She & her fiance even went to the grave [how I have come to HATE that word!] & "told Grandpa we have to do this without him". I WANTED MY DAD THERE to see his favorite grand child walk down that aisle. Even as he recovered from his stroke he'd tell me "I know Allie's going to be a bride someday and I'll be there to walk her down to meet that boy.I promise you." My parents helped me raise her until she was 6 & out of all 18 grandchildren she was his favorite. I still cry every night.I relive that whole last week constantly-I am so afraid I'm forgetting the sound of his voice & the touch of his hand. And I'm angry at myself for not knowing my Dad better when he was alive-I'm learning more about him from my siblings, stuff I never even knew about him & I get so mad at myself for not knowing more-why didn't I push him to talk to me more?!! with me he was quiet & would show me things more & tell me he liked just sitting without saying anything why the hell didn't I make him talk? Why was I so d*** selfish to just accept his not talking?!!!!! I was his last daughter-I should have done more!!!! I don't tell my husband any of this-he has to listen enough to my venting about my job & dealing with Mom's situation. This is MY pain. I just want him back. I want my Mom back to before the dementia invaded her body. I want to hold his hand one more time. And I thought all this grief stuff would be over by now.